A LETTER TO MY HUSBAND: I WISH I WERE THE WIFE YOU NEEDED
Marriage can be wonderful and awfully messy.
It wasn’t until we got married that I realized how selfish I am. How unloving I tend to be. My thoughts are not always for you. Although it sounds beautiful to be called your wife, I feel I am not deserving of the title.
A wife is to be patient
I tend to talk all over you instead of waiting for a response. I tend to push you along so that I can get to where I want to be. I can’t stand the silence of you thinking because I can’t wait long enough for you to speak. I have agendas for each day and get upset when things don’t go my way, when things aren’t done.
A wife is to be trusted
How can you trust me when I fail to encourage you? Sometimes I make you feel so small and I am truly sorry for that. I belittle you with my words, with my actions, with my thoughts. Instead of uplifting you, I tear you down. I harp on you, choosing to focus on that which you did wrong, even the smallest amount.
A wife is to love unconditionally
I tend to love when it is convenient for me. I have been known to give love only when I have received it, or been given something in return. Marriage is not a barter system and this is not what I promised to do, but here I am selfishly loving when it’s most convenient for me.
A wife is to be kind
Oh, how I wish I could take my words back, the ones that have struck you in the side. I wish I could do over all those hostile conversations. I’m supposed to be FOR you, not against you. We are a team and yet my words, actions and thoughts have sought to harm you, to hurt you. I am sorry for that.
A wife is to be trusting
I think too highly of myself, which in turn makes you always wrong and me always right. It makes me less trusting of you because I always trust myself – even though I don’t have a great track record. Because I am so quick to point out the wrong that you do, I am so quick to trust myself over you. This hurts you I know.
I understand that I am not the wife you always need. I am not always loving when you need me to be, or kind when you want me to be. I am not perfect and therefore cannot love you perfectly.
Oh, how I wish I could. I long to be all that you need me to be, but I will never be enough.
I am sorry for all the times I was not enough, I did not do enough, or even want to do enough. Thank you for forgiving me, for loving my imperfections and all. Thank you for sticking with me and not giving up. Thank you for being patient and kind.
I know you are not perfect and will sometimes fail me, but you are an amazing friend and I am so blessed to call you my husband.
I know I don’t have to be enough, that I will never be enough and that’s OK (though most days I try and fight it). There is only ONE person who is always patient, always loving, always selfless, always kind and I CANNOT take his place. He alone loves you perfectly, loves you the way I cannot. Just like He alone loves me perfectly, loves me the way you cannot.
It’s a beautiful thing, marriage, but it is awfully messy. Every day is not perfect, or fun, or all smiles. But there is immense joy to be found.
I do not deserve to be called your wife, but that is the gift that I have been given, to pursue you and love you and cherish you.