9 Sexiest Foreplay Tips You Can Ever Use in Bed!

9 SEXIEST FOREPLAY TIPS YOU CAN EVER USE IN BED!

Sarah Summer

Is sex turning boring or predictable? Try these 9 sexiest foreplay tips for men and women and you’ll feel like a frisky horny teen all the time!

Sex is fun and exciting.

Well, it is, at least for the first few months.

And somewhere along the way, it starts to get just a little predictable and just a little boring.

And when you get there, and still don’t do anything to keep the sexual frenzy on a high, it’s only a matter of time before it starts to feel a chore!

Sexual foreplay tips for men and women

You may not realize this, but sexual intimacy is just like romance.

It’s always heart pumping at the beginning, until it runs out of steam and turns predictable and less-than-adrenalin-inducing over time.

And just like you’d rely on gestures and surprises in romance, you need to keep the excitement alive in bed too, by constantly recreating the wheel of sexual passion.

When you’re making love for the first time, as you place your lips on your lover’s body, the sexual tension feels electric. And all you’d need to do is slip your hands into your partner’s shorts to see that they’re all ready and raring to go.

It’s all fun and dandy the first few times, and you won’t have to rely on fancy foreplay to arouse your lover.

But as time goes by, and both of you start to feel just a little more numb to each other’s sexual touches, it’s time to rekindle the passion by arousing the sexual tension straight in each other’s minds.

The right way to sexual foreplay

Remember, as much as it’s worked before, foreplay isn’t just about slipping your hands over your lover’s strategic regions and letting it wriggle about for a few minutes!

If that’s your idea of foreplay, you’re definitely not doing justice to the deed that follows, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for over a few months.

In a seasoned relationship, sexual foreplay is the art of arousing your lover without even getting your hands anywhere near each other’s privates.

If you can master that art, you’d always have the mojo to arouse your lover and keep sex just as exciting as it was the first few times.

The 9 sexiest foreplay tips to burn the sheets in bed!

Does the thought of foreplay in bed stress you out? Or do you wonder what you can do to stimulate your lover and experience the mad rush of passionate sex like a horny one night stand?

Try these 9 foreplay tips, and you’ll see that these tips are not just easy, they’ll explode your mind with sexual ideas and naughty thoughts every time you’re in bed with your sexy other.

#1 Outside the bedroom. Sex is predictable when it’s initiated within the walls of the bedroom. Every now and then, initiate sex outside the bedroom. You don’t have to sit close and slip your hands into your lover’s shorts out of the blue. That’s just predictable again!

Instead, get closer innocently and sit down for a few minutes while watching the television together. Just stroke your lover’s hands or play with their fingers, and when you feel the tingle of love, kiss your partner or cozy up under a blanket. Before you know it, both of you would be having spontaneous sex without even realizing it.

#2 Shock each other. It’s easy to feel sexually desensitized when you see the same package or pair every day, all the time, and at times, even in the most unflattering of circumstances *toilet?*. But by doing something unique and sexually risqué, you can change the numb sensation into a sexual frenzy instantly.

Show your assets off, but shock and awe your partner while doing it. Give your lover a sneak peek in public, sext each other, grind each other on the dance floor, or undress yourself slowly and ask your partner to make love to you while you’re leaning against your bedroom window!

#3 Learn to kiss passionately. Those quick sparrow pecks of goodbye kisses may work while saying goodbye and rushing to office in the mornings. But in bed, that’s one of the biggest sexual turn offs.

Take your time. Even if you’ve kissed your lover a million times, a slow and sensual kiss can still feel just as intimate and sexy as a first kiss. Close your eyes, place your lips on your lover’s lips and play along, while moving your lips softly, slowly and purposefully. Breathe into each other slowly, and just experience the sensation. After all, there is nothing that feels as sexy as a perfect kiss with a lover who knows to kiss you just the way you want to be kissed.

#4 Explore their body. Don’t be in a hurry. As you kiss your lover, run your hands along their back or over their arms or shoulders. Penetration doesn’t have to be the only sexy thing you do in bed. Gently kiss your partner’s neck, their arms and the rest of their body. If your partner moans or relaxes their body, they probably like what you’re doing.

Let your hands linger all over their body, but as you do that, close your eyes and run your lips over the rest of the body. Just experience the way your lover’s body feels against your lips. It’s sensual and arousing, and it’ll surely make both of you feel really horny!

#5 Dirty talk. This is one of the sexiest things in you do in bed. And the best part about dirty talking in bed is that it can help you talk about your darkest sexual fantasies without the fear of being judged by your lover. It’ll bring both of you closer, make both of you feel more intimate, and it’ll open a new door of sexual bliss that’ll make sex feel as exciting as the first time, all the time.

You can talk dirty anywhere, in bed or even in the living room. Just talk about something naughty, be it an incident or a fantasy of yours. All it takes is a few sentences before both of you feel stiff around the loins!

#6 Use a mirror. It’s surprising just how many people find mirrors exciting and fun. Prop a long mirror horizontally on the bed, right next to the both of you. Get naked and play with each other’s bodies while watching each other in the mirror. Just watching your partner getting stroked and teased in the mirror is a huge turn on that’s definitely worth experiencing. And having sex while watching yourselves in the mirror? Well, that just gets even better!

#7 Watch a movie. Sometimes, the stress of foreplay can make sex feel awkward and forced. You know you have to indulge in foreplay, and your partner knows it too. And all the drama and the stress of foreplay can just make you dislike it. So try something else that’ll play the part of good foreplay.

Watch a good porn movie, with a plot that both of you would enjoy. Just slip under the blanket, watch the movie and run your hands against each other. And at some point in the movie, both of you would be more than ready to do the deed yourselves. And then, you get to have sex, watch a sexy porn movie, talk about the acts they’re doing on the movie, and orgasm on a crescendo all at once. Isn’t that just perfect?!

#8 Enact your fantasies. Foreplay is fun for both lovers only when both of you enjoy it. And if you’re not enjoying what you’re doing, you may end up hating foreplay and start avoiding sex just to skip the foreplay.

So try something that you know will excite you and your lover at the same time. Do you have a sexual fantasy that makes you feel horny each time you’re alone? Talk about it with your partner, or enact it with them. It could be something sexually taboo, or a role playing idea or something that you’ve always wanted to do in bed. Talk about it with your lover while stroking each other, and try it. As long it arouses both of you, it’s something that’ll help both of you experience a sexual fantasy and make sex more exciting at the same time.

#9 Naughty games. There’s nothing like a bit of fun in bed to take the stress off sexual foreplay and make sex feel naughtier, kinkier and a lot sexier. Don’t focus on foreplay, and don’t think of sex. On a lazy afternoon or evening, just get into bed, and play a few dirty games. And once you start enjoying these games, you’d want to play them every single day!

Sex can truly be the sexiest thing on earth, even if you’ve been doing it with the same person for several years. All it takes is a few naughty twists to make it as exciting as the first time, every few months.

And if you use these 9 sexual foreplay tips for men and women the next time in bed, you’ll realize how dirty and naughty each of these tips can really be. And you’ll learn just how easy it is to improvise on these 9 ideas and create a new personal sexual foreplay tip yourself!

Couples Who Play Together, Stay in Love Together

COUPLES WHO PLAY TOGETHER, STAY IN LOVE TOGETHER

Kyle Benson

I want you to meet Mr. Rubber Ducky and Mrs. Fabulous Flamingo.

Play is the air that keeps their love inflated.

Without it, both partners would deflate emotionally and feel stuck in a flat relationship.

Dr. Gottman’s research states that 70% of a relationship’s satisfaction is determined by the couple’s friendship. This is true for both men and women.

The couples who found ways to play together at every stage of their relationship stayed together. The couples who didn’t eventually separated or endured an unhappy relationship.

Play makes emotional connection easy and enjoyable. It invites both partners to open up emotionally. Play is a form of intimacy, because it requires an intimate knowledge of your partner’s inner world. A playful friendship with one another creates a strong relationship.

Maybe you grew up struggling with the concept of play. I know I did. I always felt that it came second to winning prizes or achievements.

Your play style is a reflection of the emotional security you were offered as a kid. It remains true for adults. Couples who create an emotionally secure relationship are often more playful than insecure couples.

Couples who lack trust or commitment tend to be kidnapped by their insecurities, thus blocking the part of the brain that activates play.

Learning to play well with each other is also what helps us fight well. Stan Tatkin, PsyD states that “secure couples know that a good fight stays within the play zone.” In other words, the conflict isn’t allowed to get nasty. Since both partners are committed to each other for the long haul, they are able to keep their walls down.

Part of cultivating an Intentionally Intimate Relationship is creating a culture of play.

Here are 3 Ways to Increase Play in Your Relationship:

#1 Try New and Unfamiliar Activities: Psychologist Arthur Aron recruited 53 middle-aged couples to study novelty and boredom in long-term relationships. The couples were asked to do one of three things: (1) engage in activities that were familiar and enjoyable, (2) change nothing about their routine, or (3) to find something new to do together.

After ten weeks, who do you think had a better relationship?

You’re correct!

The couples who did new and unfamiliar activities had a much higher satisfaction in their relationship than the couples who spent their time doing familiar things.

Here are some ideas for you:

  • Take a walk in a different part of town or venture to a new park together.
  • Visit a new restaurant in town.
  • Try a new activity such as indoor rock climbing, roller skating, bowling, or mini golf.
  • Take a day trip. Get in the car and drive. Stop whenever you feel like getting out and exploring.

#2 Reinvent Date Night: My partner and I recently tried a date night box called “Night in Boxes.” The theme was called “blind date.” We were asked to create an obstacle course, and then lead our blindfolded partner through the course using only verbal instructions.

It was a great way to connect and be playful with one another without leaving the comfort of our home. I highly recommend it!

Here are some other ideas:

  • Get dressed up and take a class together, such as salsa dancing, or a paint and wine workshop
  • Bike to a coffee shop to sip warm drinks and chat
  • Take a tour in your hometown that you’ve never been on

#3 Participate in the 7-Day Emotional Connection Challenge: I’m taking a select group of couples on an exciting seven-day virtual adventure—but in the comfort of their own home. Get ready to reconnect with your partner in a very playful way! Check your email tomorrow for more details.

Play is essential to making love last. It is created by both partners and requires intentionality as an adult, since it might not come as naturally as it once did when we were children. Like scheduling sex and date night, we need to schedule time for play, exploration, and adventures. These activities revitalize our love life and deepen our emotional connection.

Without play, partners tend to drift apart from each other, making it impossible to sustain emotional intimacy.

To prevent this, Mr. Rubber Ducky and Mrs. Fabulous Flamingo tether to each other with a long rope. That way if they drift too far apart, they can intentionally pull each other closer and reconnect through playful activities and adventures. Shouldn’t you do the same?

14 Tips to Get Your Partner to Open Up about Sex

14 TIPS TO GET YOUR PARTNER TO OPEN UP ABOUT SEX

Christopher Villa

Do you want your partner or spouse to open up and talk about sex, their interests and the things they want to try in bed? Well, here’s the right way!

Are you having a hard time talking about sex with your partner?

Sometimes, talking about sex is always an awkward moment, especially if you’re in a new relationship.

And at other times, you could be in a seasoned relationship and still feel uncomfortable discussing sex because you’re afraid you may be judged.

If you want to take an initiate to talk about sex, but your partner seems too embarrassed to discuss their ideas and thoughts with you, fret not.

14 tips to get your partner to open up and talk about sex

You can turn even the most prudish of lovers with locked up secrets into a serial confessor using these 14 tips on how you can get your lover to start talking about sex.

Start slow, and take a few baby steps using these tips.

And before you know it, you’ll feel closer to your partner.

And your sex life will feel more awesome and fresh with every passing day!

#1 Past experiences. Don’t confess about your past experiences, especially if your partner doesn’t know just how sexually liberated and active you’ve been before you met your lover. Surprisingly, most partners prefer to stay in the dark instead of hearing their partner’s confession about their kinky past.

If you’re sure your partner would be able to handle your past, slip a few details now and then and watch how they react to it over a couple of weeks.

But if you want your partner to open up about sex talk, let your lover know that you’ve had partners before, and that you’re open to trying new things if it could make both your sex lives more interesting and fascinating!

#2 Avoid the serious talk. ‘We need to talk about sex’ is the last thing you should say if you want to broach the topic of sex and sexual fantasies. Well, that’s unless one of you say something that offends the other.

The best time to talk about sex is when both of you are in bed. The second best time to talk about it is when both of you are just fooling around or relaxing around the house. The third best time to talk about it is when the opportune moment crops up, either because of something a friend said or something you saw on the telly or in a magazine *or in Lovepanky!*

#3 Speak in third person. If you’re feeling terribly awkward about the impending sexual conversation, talk about a *friend of yours* who likes a particular fantasy or has indulged in a particular sexual act.

It’s easier to talk in third person, and if your partner likes the idea, you can always smile sheepishly and confess that you were talking about yourself!

#4 Naughty questions. Want to explore sexual ideas and fantasies without feeling awkward about it? There’s no better way to do that than by using our list of dirty questions. Try them, and you’ll see just how much both of you can learn about each other’s sexual interests in under an hour!

#5 Don’t push it. Don’t go overboard while trying to please your partner, or to prove that you love their idea even if you don’t. Just because your partner enjoys something doesn’t mean they expect you to enjoy the same things. Sometimes, it takes a compromise between sexual interests. And at other times, it has to be a complete no-no.

Talk to your partner about your sexual interests, or hear theirs out. Take some time for the ideas to sink in, and if it’s something you just can’t do, be frank and tell your lover about it *without making them feel judged!*

#6 Delay penetration. What do you do when you get into bed to make love? Do you rush into the act because you find your lover irresistible? Well, stop and take it slow the next few times you’re in bed with them.

Taking it slow in bed, and talking about things either of you enjoy can be a revelation that can make your sex life a lot more interesting. Take time to explore each other, talk about things both of you enjoy and try new things that feel good in bed.

#7 Start the conversation with a confession. But don’t go overboard just yet. If you’ve been trying to ask your partner what they enjoy, and your partner just blushes coyly or pretends like they’re interested in nothing but the missionary, don’t push them on.

Instead, make a small and calculated confession. Brush the surface of something you enjoy and tell your partner about it. And see how your boyfriend or girlfriend reacts to your little confession. Taking it slow can help your partner test their own boundaries without assuming you’re a sexual deviant!

#8 Talk dirty in bed. Dirty talk kicks butt, especially when both of you are completely comfortable to explore each other’s sexual minds without feeling inhibited by it.

If you want your partner to open up to you and talk about the things they enjoy sexually, just start talking about something naughty or dirty while having sex with each other. One thing would lead to another, and before you know it, you’ll unleash a wildcat. And oh yes, the sex will blow your mind too!

#9 Don’t clam up. Don’t judge your partner. Just because your partner says they’ve fantasized about having a threesome or that they like the idea of public flashing doesn’t make them a bad person. All of us have our own sexual fantasies, and as tame as yours may seem to you, there’s a big chance you’ll shock many with your own imagination!

If your partner trusts you enough to share their deepest, darkest fantasies with you, the least you can do is let your partner know you accept them for who they are. On the other hand, if you clam up and appear shocked or annoyed, your partner may feel ashamed and never ever open up to you again!

#10 That annoying feeling. If something your partner says bothers you or pricks you hard, sit down with your partner. Calmly and cautiously, tell them how you feel, all the while reassuring them that you’re not judging them but just trying to understand their sexual side better.

On the other hand, if your partner’s sex talk or sexual fantasies arouse or interest you, ask your partner to elaborate so you can add your own dark experiences and interests into the conversation.

#11 Sex suggestions aren’t criticisms. Understand this well, and remember it. If your partner tells you something in bed that offends you, even for a moment, you need to realize that your partner is revealing it to you only to make both your sex lives better. And your partner isn’t saying it just to hurt you or make you feel humiliated in bed.

Accept criticisms in bed gracefully, or even laugh about it. But make sure you remember it so your partner can feel comfortable enough to share their secrets with you in future too.

#12 The right time. Don’t say the wrong things at the wrong time. If your partner talks dirty or shares a fantasy that you don’t particularly appreciate while having sex, don’t stop the to-and-fro midway and stare at your partner with a shocked expression. And talking about something embarrassing or awkward immediately after having sex isn’t advisable either.

If you really want to go into details about a particular fantasy of your lover’s, talk to them about it a while after they mention it, so they don’t feel judged or insulted by your question.

#13 Be open to the conversation. Ask open ended questions when you’re talking about sex secrets with your husband or wife, and try to see things from their perspective before making judgments.

Discuss things both of you enjoy, and take baby steps into the world of exploring sexual fantasies and dirty ideas together. If it works and something makes both of you super horny, well, good for you guys! And if it doesn’t excite you or your partner, move on, there are enough sexual ideas to set your sexual passion on fire! And it all starts with communication.

#14 Don’t be a prude. Look, if you want to talk about sex and kinky ideas, you might as well throw prudishness out of the window, and prepare yourself for a wild ride of sexual exploration. Reveal your fantasies, get kinky and start by telling the truth about the things you enjoy and the new things you want to try in bed.

Holding your sexual thoughts close to your heart and expecting sex to magically get better with each passing day as the infatuation wears off is like asking for a miracle every time you have sex.

Open your mind, and explore the world of sexual fantasies and dark desires together. And as kinky or as naughty as you may think an idea is, believe me, it’s all been said and done by someone else before!

Use these 14 tips to get your partner to open up and talk about sex effortlessly. And most importantly, you have to remember that we live in a world full of sexual fantasies and deviant thoughts. And as freaky as you think you are, your fantasy isn’t as unique or shocking as you think. So don’t be ashamed. You’re never alone!

10 Tips to Help You Open Up About Your Kinky Side

10 TIPS TO HELP YOU OPEN UP ABOUT YOUR KINKY SIDE

Team Lovepanky

Telling your partner about an unusual thing that turns you on may be disconcerting. But it doesn’t have to be, when you’ve got these tips on hand!

Before you start spinning all those negative thoughts in your head, take a deep breath. A kink isn’t the end of the world – far from it. In fact, it may even bring you closer together. When you’ve got trust in your relationship, you can be pretty sure that your partner won’t just pack up and leave once he or she knows about your particular kink. On the contrary, opening up about something that you find difficult to talk about may even strengthen your relationship!

How to open up about your kinky side

When you’re at your wit’s end when it comes to telling your partner about what turns you on, these 10 tips will help you out!

#1 Change your frame of mind. Try to focus on the positive aspects of telling your partner about your kink. Don’t think about a kinky confession as something that is going to tear you two apart. Instead, think about it as something fun and exciting that you two could explore together. Imagine if you heard a really good band – you’d want to share that experience with your partner, wouldn’t you?

If you approach your kink as something that you’re ashamed of, it will be cast in a negative light. Your partner may even wonder why you seem so negative about it… does it go deeper than they think? But by showing it in a positive, friendly light, you reinforce the fact that it really isn’t a big deal. It’s just something that happens to be a part of your personality… the personality of the person that they like and love.

#2 Practice what you’re going to say. Stand in front of a mirror and rehearse your words. Obviously, you aren’t going to be declaring your kink in front of an audience, but practice helps. Not only will it relax you, but it will also show you that really, in the scope of things, this isn’t that big of a deal. A lot of times we work ourselves up for nothing.

Try to think of the questions that they might ask – however outlandish. Doing this will reduce the amount of fear and uncertainty you feel, because you’ll feel as though you’re prepared for anything that they throw at you.

#3 Set aside some time in a private location. Atmosphere matters. Don’t spring your kink on your beloved in the middle of a crowded dining room or before he or she runs off to work. Instead, a cozy, romantic evening at home can be the perfect time to explore your sexuality and explain what really makes you tick. A good, full discussion of your sexual future may take up to two or three hours. It’s better to schedule more time than to be cut short and let your partner leave with unfinished thoughts weighing upon their mind.

#4 Be as specific as you can be. Once you let the floodgates loose, you may start tripping over your words or trying to rush through things. You may take a quick “affirmative” from your partner, and end the conversation prematurely. You may take a quick “negative” from your partner and then try to play it all off as a joke. Don’t do this!

Here’s the thing. You’ve spent a lot of time thinking about your kink, right? Well, your kink is going to be as much of your partner’s sex life as it is a part of yours, and they’ve had absolutely no time to think about it. Their mind is going to be racing. Don’t let their mind race off on a journey alone. You have to be very specific about what you do or don’t need.

Make sure that you discuss the difference between a kink and a fetish. Kinks are just things that, to put it delicately, rev up your engine. They don’t always need to be involved in your sex life – it’s just more fulfilling if they are sometimes. A fetish is something that has to be involved in your sex life all the time – and that’s usually considered unhealthy. Many inexperienced partners, when confronted with a kink, may worry that it’s a fetish! Make sure that you specify!

#5 Don’t get too defensive. Some people have preconceived notions about kinks. Society places a lot of ideas in a person’s head about the “proper” ways to have sex. Don’t be discouraged if your partner initially laughs or thinks it’s funny. They may not realize just how you feel. Getting defensive will only make the situation worse!

But by the same token, don’t be afraid to defend yourself if your value as a person is questioned. “That sounds weird!” is a somewhat understandable comment for someone inexperienced to make. “You are weird!” is not. Don’t let anyone shame you regarding your kink. As long as it isn’t hurting anyone, there’s nothing to be ashamed of!

#6 Give them room to ask questions. A one-sided conversation isn’t a conversation at all… it’s just a speech. Ask your partner to ask any questions that they have and don’t treat any question as stupid or silly. Everyone comes from different backgrounds, and what may seem perfectly ordinary to you may be something that they simply haven’t experienced before.

#7 Test the waters a step at a time. Remember that you can’t just throw someone into a kink that you’ve had your whole life and expect them to swim in the deep end. Test out the waters slowly at first, and always let your partner know exactly what you’re doing – no one wants something unexpected sprung on them in the heat of the moment, even if it may seem more passionate that way!

Introduce it to them in small stages, and discuss it with them beforehand. “Maybe next time we could…” is a good way to start this conversation. And be open to them saying that they need some time or if they have any suggestions to make them feel more comfortable.

#8 Make your partner feel comfortable. After you have tested out your kink, you need to discuss it with your partner. Don’t just assume that because you’re on the path that you wanted to be on, that everything is OK – there could be a lot going on in the undercurrents.

Find out if there was anything that made them uncomfortable or anything that intrigued them. Let them know how much you appreciate them by being on board with you, and that you know how lucky you are to have a loving partner.

Everyone deserves a healthy sex life, but that doesn’t mean that a partner owes it to you to do these things – they do it because they love you. This is especially true if your kink is something that your partner just isn’t into at all.

#9 Don’t forget to reciprocate. Usually, opening up a discussion about kinks will also lead to your partner opening up about their own sexual needs! If it doesn’t, make sure that you’ve made it clear to your partner that you want to know what will make them happy, too.

But don’t be surprised or confused if your partner doesn’t have a kink. It can be easy for people with kinks to assume that everyone has one and that they are just hiding them. Some people really don’t have any kinks and that’s fine, too.

That doesn’t mean, of course, that they don’t have a preference. A person without a kink likely prefers “vanilla” sexual experiences – so those shouldn’t be neglected in the bedroom either.

#10 Know when to let it go. Some partners can’t deal with some kinks. And you know what? That’s OK. It’s certainly not ideal, but it’s your partner’s prerogative to decide what they find fulfilling in their sex life. You can’t change how a person is or what makes them uncomfortable.

Of course, if your partner demeans or belittles you regarding your kink, you would know that they aren’t the right person for you after all. You’ve just dodged a bullet, and it’s good that you did it as early as possible. But if your partner and you simply can’t see eye to eye regarding your sexual needs, then it may just not have been meant to be.

Revealing your kink to your partner can be scary – but hiding it is even worse. The last thing you want to do is create a strong relationship built on a lie, however slight that lie may be. Sex is an important part of any healthy relationship, and dishonesty about what interests and excites you in bed will only make it harder for both, you and your partner, in the long term. 

Time With Our Children

TIME WITH OUR CHILDREN

A primary school teacher asked her pupils to write an essay on ‘A wish you want from God?’ At the end of the day, the teacher collected all the essays written by her pupils. She took them to her house, sat down and started marking.

While marking the essays, she sees a strange essay written by one of her pupils. That essay made her very emotional. Her husband came and sat beside her and saw her crying.

The husband asked her, “What happened? What’s making you cry?”

She answered, “Read this. It is an essay written by one of my pupils.”

The pupil had written: “Oh God, make me a television. I want to live like the TV in my house. In my house, the TV is very valuable. All of my family members sit around it. They are very interested in it. When the TV is talking, my parents listen to it very happily. They don’t shout at the TV. They don’t quarrel with the TV. They don’t slap the TV. So I want to become a TV. The TV is the center of attraction in my house. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives from my parents.

“Even when it is not working, the TV has a lot of value. When my dad and mom come home, they immediately sit in front of the TV, switch it on and spend hours watching it. The TV is stealing the time of my dad and my mom. If I become a TV, then they will spend their time with me.

“While watching the TV, my parents laugh a lot and they smile many times. But I want my parents to laugh and smile with me also. So please God make me a TV.

“And last but not the least, if I become a TV, surely I can make my parents happy and entertain them. Lord I won’t ask you for anything more. I just want to live like a TV. Please turn me to a TV.”

The husband completed reading the essay and said, “My God, poor kid. He feels lonely. He does not receive enough love and care from his parents. His parents are horrible!”

The eyes of the primary school teacher filled with tears. She looked at her husband and said, “Our son wrote that essay!”

What do you think of this boy’s essay?

The Couple’s Guide to Fighting Better: Focus On the Issue

THE COUPLE’S GUIDE TO FIGHTING BETTER: FOCUS ON THE ISSUE

Kyle Benson

Love can be a battleground of mistakes, misunderstandings, and conflicts. Oftentimes when we want to discuss a specific conflict with our partners, we also want the floor to discuss EVERY conflict with our partner; every one of their 617 boneheaded mistakes. After all, we are an “expert” analyst of our partner’s behavior and personality disorders.

Meet Jasmine. Jasmine is a full-time employed mother of two. She’s married to Brian, a hard working business owner with 64 employees. Jasmine and Brian strive to be a super couple; the kind of couple that exhausts themselves trying to do it all.

Their childhood upbringing has taught both of them to be overachieving perfectionists who put a lot of pressure on themselves to be “happily married.”

Most of this pressure comes from Jasmine. She wants the best orgasms, a passionate sex life, millions in the bank account, and two adorable and successful kids. All this weight causes a lot of problems with Brian.

In her mind, Brian doesn’t help out with the children or house nearly enough. He doesn’t dedicate enough time to their relationship and he isn’t making enough money. Needless to say, Jasmine’s Love Laws puts Brian in Relationship Jail pretty frequently. As a result, she shames him. She makes him feel inadequate. She treats him this way so much that he has started to spend more time working than he does at home.

For Brian, work is a safe haven from the war at home. As Jasmine starts to realize their relationship is in trouble, she devours books on healthy relationships like a fat kid at a cupcake store. She heard about John Gottman’s famous State of the Union meeting that was created to resolve relationship conflicts. So she schedules a meeting to “talk” with Brian about their current conflicts.

Because she’s so eager to start the meeting, Jasmine takes the lead as the speaker. She tells Brian the role of the listener according to what she can remember: “just listen to me and don’t get defensive.”

Unfortunately Jasmine hits Brian so hard with criticism that his helmet in the football game of love pops right off. This leaves him vulnerable to a siege of attacks from his lover, who brings up every issue under the sun. His lack of help with the children. His lack of effort in keeping the house clean. His routine sexual performance that feels more like clockwork and less like lovemaking.

Hearing all this makes Brian feel inadequate. Something back in his childhood made him sensitive about that feeling. His body floods with negative emotions. Despite trying to do his best to “listen,” he emotionally shuts down to calm his anxiety.

Jasmine notices this and hits him even harder.
“You never listen to me.”
“What is wrong with you?”

By now, this relationship is on the road to the Hell, whether it be divorce or infidelity. But there are many lessons we can learn from this.

Pick One Issue and Be Specific

Instead of bringing up every issue under the sun, focus on one particular issue and stay on topic. Be detailed. Instead of saying, “you never help out around the house,” say, “It makes me feel abandoned when I feel like it is my responsibility to vacuum the house every week. On top of that, I have other chores I feel like I have to do to keep this house running. Would you be able to vacuum every other week for me?”

Telling someone they make you feel insecure gives them no feedback to change their behavior. However, telling your partner that you feel insecure when they make fun of you in front of your friends will allow them to fix that specific situation.

By focusing on one issue and the specific emotions it causes you (not your partner’s flaws), both of you can come together to fix that specific situation by changing both the meaning of the situation and each other’s behavior.

Avoid Your Partner’s Triggers

Lastly, be aware of your partner’s triggers. No one grows up without emotional scars. These lasting flaws can escalate conflict quickly. Tom Bradbury, a UCLA psychologist, calls these enduring vulnerabilities.

Imagine your partner’s weaknesses are tattooed on their forehead. What might your partner’s weaknesses and insecurities be? When they get blamed, do they immediately become defensive? Do they hate being lectured because it makes them feel inadequate?

Brian’s vulnerabilities of not providing enough make him feel inadequate. It causes him to close off from his relationship and the things he cares about. When his trigger is hit, it’s easier to become numb than to feel the pain of all his past traumas rising in the present.

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Your partner’s childhood baggage may be a source of problems in your relationship but it is unrealistic to expect that he or she will fix them immediately. Prodding or insisting them to “change” will only worsen the situation.

What you can do is prevent a particular vulnerability from causing friction by acknowledging it and working around it with compassion. If you know your boyfriend is sensitive about feeling left out, be kind when suggesting that he should stay at home so you can go out with your friends for a girl’s night. You could say something like “I love going out with my friends and you because we always have a good time. But would it be okay if I just went out with them tonight? I’d like to catch up with them on a more intimate level.”

Or maybe your girlfriend is a tad messy, and resents her childhood upbringing of rigid house rules. She may even appreciate a break when it comes to her messy clothes on the chair in the bedroom.

During my own relationship conflicts, I’ve found it helpful to remind myself that my partner is learning to work with my insecurities, just like I am with hers. Love isn’t always a comfortable ride. But having a partner who will drive around your potholes, while still addressing the underlying issues, is a partner you should keep.

69% of relationship conflict is unsolvable

69% OF RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT IS UNSOLVABLE

Kyle Benson

Does that statistic sound scary to you?

If it does, I totally get it.

Unsolvable conflict doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed to fail though.

It actually means the opposite. That is, if you manage conflict constructively.

Unsolvable conflict is defined as conflict between partners that is reoccurring with no long-term resolution. These unsolvable conflicts are rooted in fundamental differences or needs of the partners in the couple.

Couples who fail to build a bridge between these differences tend to attack the core of who each partner is.

On the other hand, couples who use humor, clear communication, and affection to navigate their unsolvable conflict often leave the conflict feeling closer and more emotionally connected to one another, despite not having a resolution.

“You don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” – Dr. Gottman

Here’s an example:

Susanne and Kit have reoccurring conflicts over how much time to spend together. Susanne would complain about not being loved or cared for because Kit wouldn’t spend more time with her and Kit would whine about being smothered by how much time they already spent together. This fundamental difference in closeness and autonomy collided like tectonic plates. As they each fought for what they needed and dismissed what their partner needed, the foundation of their relationship became shaky.

When they were given the tools to explore this challenging topic, Susanne and Kit truly listened to each other and began to honor their unique differences. They learned how to manage this unsolvable problem by proactively discussing it in their weekly relationship meeting. They began to intentionally make space for we-time and me-time.

With the right tools, they were able to transform a problem that led to fights that got out of control into something that was manageable and honored both their needs. Not to mention, both partners have a deeper felt sense of being known.

Sadly we are often taught that if there is unsolvable conflict in our relationship that it isn’t going to work.

To change this message and teach you the skills to healthily navigate conflict, even the unsolvable ones, I decided to be part of Briana MacWilliam’s Relationship Rescue course.

Briana and I spent an hour talking deeply about unsolvable conflict, but we also tackle a ton of other important conflict topics, such as:

  • The Four Horsemen of relationship conflict
  • How to approach conflict in a healthy and effective way
  • The importance of being mindful of the way you navigate conflict conversations
  • Multiple techniques you can use for effective conflict management
  • The main differences seen between happy vs unhappy couples and how they approach conflict
  • And so much more!

Briana’s course is available for enrollment until Dec. 1, and believe me when I say that there is a bunch of helpful information in there for couples (and individuals) when it comes to really enhancing and healing your relationship.

Enroll now here.

Meaning of Safe Words & How to Use Them When You’re Playing Rough

MEANING OF SAFE WORDS & HOW TO USE THEM WHEN YOU’RE PLAYING ROUGH

Natasha Ivanovic

You know people use safe words but haven’t tried it yourself. Why do you even need a safe word? We’re going to share the meaning of safe words.

If you’re like me when I was younger, then you may not completely understand the meaning of safe words or how to use it. That’s okay because that’s why I’m here.

Up until a couple of years ago, I never used a safe word. I didn’t actually know they existed. In my head, I thought that when you said “stop” it meant to stop. Or when you push someone off of you and say “ouch” that’s a decent sign that what just happened caused you negative pain. I was so vanilla back then. I knew very little about the BDSM community and that’s actually where the whole concept of a safe word originated.

The meaning of safe words

A safe word is a word that you and your partner choose pre-sex, that either partner can use when they feel that the experience is becoming too much. The minute you say the safe word, all sexual activity stops. The dominant partner stops what they’re doing to their partner. It’s basically like a sexual time-out.

Having a safe word provides the submissive partner the opportunity to express to their partner if the pain becomes uncomfortable. Of course, if you’re dominant, you may not exactly know the strength you have. When you’re in the power position, you can get carried away. It happens to everyone.

But now, the concept of a safe word has reached past the BDSM community, making its way into mainstream culture as many couples now have a safe word for when they’re in the bedroom. You don’t have to be tied to a bed or having wax poured on your back in order to know when you’ve had enough.

The great part of a safe word is that it allows you to have fun and explore your sexual boundaries while giving you the opportunity to stop at any time. You basically create an exit that gets you out of the situation. Plus, by using a safe word, you’re free to say whatever you want, even if it’s “that hurt” or “stop.” Because your safe word is usually something non-sexual that you would never use in the bedroom.

But do safe words actually work in real life?

Listen, there are some instances where using a safe word will be difficult. For example, if your partner has gagged you, you’re not going to be able to speak properly. Though, just because you cannot verbalize your safe word, doesn’t mean you cannot create a gesture which means stop. Many people found different ways to show their safe word when unable to say it.

Now, if you’re not into BDSM, that’s cool. You can still use it effectively for consent. During sex, sometimes it can get a little rough. For many people, instead of saying stop, they feel uncomfortable and just wait until it’s over.

I understand why people do that, they feel bad saying something. But with a safe word, you’re nicely telling your partner the boundaries in a way which doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. You don’t need to explain anything, you simply say your safe word. They stop. So, yes, a safe word actually does work in real life.

How do you choose your safe word?

Now that you know the meaning of safe words and the reason they exist, you may be curious how to find a safe word. Well, there are a couple things to consider when thinking of a safe word.

#1 Use one word. You don’t need a safe word that’s going to be two or three words long. You need one short and strong word that indicates to your partner that they’re going too far. It’s easier not only for you, but also for your partner. You want them to be able to clearly hear and understand the word.

#2 It can be a random word. You do not want your safe word to be something that can be used in the bedroom. In other words, don’t make your safe word “yes” or “no” or “spank me.” Choose a word that no one would hear in a sexual encounter and something that sounds so out of place, your partner notices it right away.

#3 Make sure it’s easy to pronounce. If you cannot say it properly while you’re jogging, then you shouldn’t use it as a safe word. Remember, you want your safe word to be easily audible as that’s the whole point. Make sure you can clearly say it.

#4 Tell your partner the word. You cannot just have a safe word and not tell your partner the word. You need to tell them the word. Make sure they understand what they need to do once they hear the word. Does it mean that they completely stop? Does it mean they continue but be gentler? You decide and then tell them.

#5 Use a common safe word. There are a couple common safe words that many people use which seem to do the trick. These words follow the suggestions above. So, they’re quite effective at what they’re supposed to do.

The most common safe words to use

Not feeling inspired to choose a safe word? Don’t worry, here are some of the most common safe words people use during sex.

#1 The traffic light system. This is an easy way to alert your partner of what they need to do. You say ‘red’ to stop, ‘yellow’ for your partner to slow down, and ‘green’ for them to keep going. All three words are short and sweet to say, plus, everyone can relate to them easily.

#2 Safe word. This is a great safe word when you simply don’t like any of the other safe words, but, can’t come up with your own. Safe word is pretty dull, and well, it’s very clear as to why you’re saying it.

#3 Apple. Well, it’s a pretty unsexy word, in general. So, that’s probably why it’s so popular. If your partner hears ‘apple’ during sex, they should know it’s meant for them to stop.

#4 Vanilla. This is associated with having vanilla, non-kinky sex. If you say vanilla, it’s a cute association that you want your partner to ease up on you and take a gentler route.

#5 Pineapple. I guess this is truly a word you’d never use in the bedroom… unless you’re into pineapples. If so, don’t use this as your safe word. But, pineapple is actually an extremely popular safe word as it’s highly unlikely that they’ll mix it up with anything else.

#6 Unicorn. Yeah, you were probably getting used to all the fruit safe words, but don’t get too comfortable just yet! Unicorn is another common safe word. I guess the odds of you seeing one during sex is pretty rare.

#7 Banana. Unless you refer to your partner’s penis as a banana, I’m pretty sure this is a good a safe word to use.

See, the meaning of safe words doesn’t have to sound serious. You can have fun choosing one and use it in a way that doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable when telling your partner that you’d like to stop.

Encouragement for Single Parents

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR SINGLE PARENTS

Family Life Radio

God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.” Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink. ─   Genesis 21:17-19 NLT

Encouragement for Single Parents

It’s been called the hardest job on the planet—being a single parent. Well it can be overwhelming, but being a single parent is more than just a job. If you’re a single parent today, you need to know that you have more strength than you realize. You are going to make it. God is going to supply your need just as He provided for Hagar and Ishmael in the desert in our scripture for today.

Here are five things successful single parents think about:

  1. Forgiveness – it’s imperative for you to reach the point of forgiveness. We are to forgive one another just as Christ forgave us. Unforgiveness hurts you, and often harms your kids.
  2. Goals – start working toward new goals. Consider and pray about God’s intention for you as a single parent to raise your children His way. 
  3. Friendships – make sure the friends you bring into your life are healthy relationships. You need people who are going to take you to another level of growth in different areas of your life.
  4. Boundaries – establish healthy boundaries and enforce them.
  5. Expectations – set realistic expectations and dream new dreams if the dreams you had before you became a single parent are gone. Be open to new ideas and a new direction for your life.

As a single mom or dad, you are not stuck. It’s tough, but just as God opened Hagar’s eyes to see His provision, He will also show you His way. Stay positive.

How do you respond to your strong-willed child? Can you do better?

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ─  Galatians 6:9 NLT

Today’s One Thing

Review the list above of the five things single parents think about and choose one area to focus on for this week. Spend time in prayer about it, and then take necessary action steps to move forward in that area.

How To Deal With Your Kid’s Annoying Habits

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR KID’S ANNOYING HABITS

Jacob Towery

You might want to nag or scold, but positive reinforcement is more effective.

As a child psychiatrist, I have spent eons in school studying developmental psychology and human behavior. Learning this, you might assume that I would know all the research on effective parenting techniques and be a perfect parent myself. You would be wrong on both counts.

There was a question that I wanted to answer, for me as a father as well as for the parents whom I counsel in my private practice: “If your child is doing something that is not harmful, but is also not especially adaptive or appropriate, when and how often should you correct her behavior?”

For example, your 5-year-old is eating peas with her fingers; she’s not hurting anyone, but the grandparents are coming over in two weeks and you’d like to show them that you’ve instilled some basic table manners. Or, when my 9-year-old greets an adult while staring at his shoes, when and how often should I remind him about the importance of eye contact to increase the chances that he’ll actually start attempting it? In my field, the consensus on certain parenting techniques is clear: Repeated studies have shown that spanking is damaging and ineffective, for example. The harmful effects of yelling and shaming, too, have been widely publicized. But what does the research have to say about the mild, low-level scolding and nagging that so many parents engage in?

[Read our field guide to taming tantrums in toddlers.]

After many hours spent reading studies on this topic and interviewing experts, I concluded that I was asking the wrong question. When I asked Alan Kazdin, the director of the Yale Parenting Center and the author of over 700 articles and books on child-rearing, when you should correct behavior you’d like your child to change, his answer was straightforward: “Never!” According to Dr. Kazdin, it is never helpful or effective to scold or nag a child about behavior that’s not harming anyone. “Don’t attend to the eating of peas with fingers,” Dr. Kazdin said. “If you give attention to something, the behavior you don’t want could actually increase.”

Hearing this, I was surprised and a little embarrassed. I can think of dozens of times that I have reprimanded my son (usually gently) for behaviors that were socially inappropriate or merely annoying. When I dug into the research on this topic, though, I learned that Dr. Kazdin was right: Not only is scolding ineffective for long-term behavior change, it can actually make certain behaviors worse.

Some small studies suggest that certain approaches — standing close to the child, maintaining eye contact and speaking softly — may increase the effectiveness of a scolding. But if you want permanent change in the behavior, the evidence is lacking for scolding as an effective technique.

So, if we are looking to decrease behaviors that are socially inappropriate, instead of asking when you should correct your child’s behavior, the better question is probably “How should you modify a child’s behavior to be more appropriate?” Daniel Bagner, a professor of psychology and the director of the Early Childhood Behavior Lab at Florida International University’s Center for Children and Families, told me that after identifying the behavior they want to change (a child looking down at her shoes when greeting an adult, for example), parents should “identify the positive opposite of the behavior, such as making eye contact, and consistently provide positive consequences, such as praise, when the child displays the positive behavior.

“Additionally, it is important for parents to implement the positive consequence immediately after the child’s behavior.”

This idea is also sometimes referred to as “catch them being good.” There is ample evidence that positive reinforcement — providing something positive right after a behavior — is very effective in increasing how often that behavior occurs. What Dr. Bagner is saying is that instead of focusing on the behavior you don’t want, find times when your child is exhibiting the behavior you do want and give that behavior lots of attention.

Dr. Kazdin gave me a very similar message, but I asked him, “What if your child never does the positive opposite behavior, such as making eye contact when greeting people?” Dr. Kazdin said that the secret in that case was to use something called “differential reinforcement.” This is where you find a behavior that is close to the behavior you are trying to get and positively reinforce that behavior. For example, Dr. Kazdin said, “In the example of your child avoiding eye contact, when you go in a room together, ask them to look up. Or say ‘I bet you can’t look up.’ Then, when they do look up, say something like ‘Nice job looking up, that was great’ and smile and give them a pat on the shoulder.” If you keep doing this every time your child looks up, Dr. Kazdin said, he will start to do so more often. And any time you “catch” him making eye contact, positively reinforce that, too. Eventually, you will have more eye contact and less looking at shoes.

Another technique that experts agree on is that, since children tend to enjoy games, it is possible to use games to improve behavior in a fun way that still gets results. In the example of a child eating peas with her fingers, Dr. Kazdin proposed turning it into a contest. “Tell them ‘we’re going to have a game. The winner is the person who can put one pea on their fork and put it up to their lips the slowest. I’ll show you.’

“Then playfully model slowly lifting a pea to your lips on the fork. As soon as your child does it, praise them to reinforce the behavior. Then after the game is over, don’t mention it the rest of dinner.”

I reached out to Jane McGonigal, a best-selling author, game designer, and the director of games research and development at the Institute for the Future. “As a parent, when I’m trying to influence my child’s behavior, I would leverage one of the phenomena we see in gaming, which is that kids love being better at their favorite video games than their parents,” she said.

“So, I would create a game where I would ask my kid to help me do the thing I want them to do. I would ask them to try to spot me not using my fork and eating with my fingers, or to notice if I’m not looking someone in the eye,” she added, “and I would enlist their cooperation in this way and turn it into a multiplayer game where they know more than me and they are helping me. This would give me the chance to model for them why the behavior matters, by thanking them and explaining why I want help remembering.

“Basically, instead of trying to directly change the behavior and telling them what to do, let them experience the fun of ‘owning’ the behavior and being in charge of telling me what to do.”

Since learning more about the science of behavior change, I have been hesitant to give up scolding because it’s easy for me and automatic. But I have been trying positive reinforcement more with my own children and have been thrilled with the results.

Following Dr. Kazdin’s advice, I made a game out of eye contact for my 9-year-old son. I said “I bet you can’t look me in the eye for 10 seconds straight.” He proudly proved me wrong. Now, each time he makes even two seconds of eye contact with me, I smile and touch his shoulder and say something like “Great job making eye contact!”

This approach takes a little more attention and self-discipline on my part, but my son’s ability to make eye contact has been steadily improving, with no more scolding or nagging from me.