How to Be a Supportive Partner During Pregnancy (and Beyond)

HOW TO BE A SUPPORTIVE PARTNER DURING PREGNANCY (AND BEYOND)

David Howard

THE GIST

  • Numerous studies have shown the benefits of having a partner who is supportive or perceived to be supportive. Conversely, having a partner who is perceived to be unsupportive is a predictor of depression and anxiety both before and after a child’s birth.
  • Start early. Being a supportive partner begins in the months before delivery, when an expectant mother’s anxiety levels may be rising about giving birth and the changes a baby brings.
  • Make a plan for your supportive role both during and after the baby’s arrival, but be flexible. There’s no script for how things are going to go.
  • New research indicates that supporters may need support of their own: They can feel isolated or rejected but question the legitimacy of their experiences.

If you’ve watched any movies with birth scenes, you may have noticed that the partner’s role often fits into one of two categories: He — and it’s always a he — is a comically inept second fiddle, fainting just when he’s needed most, or else absent entirely, inhaling a cigar in a nearby pub. 

These dated archetypes exist for a reason. What actually comprises a supportive partner has only come into focus in recent years, as fathers and same-sex partners have become more central to the birth and all that comes after. But the research is resoundingly clear: A strong mate makes a difference. Having a supportive partner is good for everyone involved, including the baby.

The scientific literature is less clear on what specific strategies best support pregnant women — it’s tough in a clinical setting to isolate the benefits of, say, a well-timed hug or a promise to handle 3 a.m. feedings. But the three researchers I spoke to distilled their studies into some real-world advice.

WHAT TO DO

  • Connect with each other well before the due date.

This should be even more of a priority than buying the right stroller. “The focus is so much on practical needs,” said Dr. Pam Pilkington, Ph.D., a perinatal psychologist who practices at the Centre for Perinatal Psychology in Melbourne, Australia, and founder of Partners to Parents, a resource site developed by a team of researchers and psychologists at Australian Catholic University to provide guidance for partners. “During pregnancy, people perhaps don’t focus on the couple relationship, or supporting each other emotionally as much as they could.”

In practical terms, this means talking often and openly about how you’re both feeling — anxious, excited, uncertain, whatever it is, Dr. Pilkington said — then validating each other, making sure you both feel heard and accepted. An example: After a month at home, a new mother might say, “I feel trapped here all day while you’re at work.” The supportive answer here is not, “I need to work so we can pay the bills. Why don’t you get your mother to come help?” Rather, a validating answer would be: “I’m sorry that you’re feeling pinned in place. It sounds like you’re missing seeing your friends at the office.” 

Trying to build mirroring-and-validating skills during the relative calm before your child’s arrival will help cement your bond for the challenges to come, Dr. Pilkington said.

  • Make your good intentions known.

Making yourself of service to another is what’s known in scientific vernacular as “offering social support.” Researchers call it a mysterious force that has tangible benefits. “There’s a magic about social support,” said Dr. Christine Dunkel Schetter, Ph.D., a professor of psychology and psychiatry at UCLA who has studied its effect on stressful situations, including pregnancies. “And the magic is that when it’s really working in these kinds of situations, it’s about things that take place between two people. And it’s about what one person says to the other, or does, that makes them feel better.”

Part of the magic of social support?Even when an expectant mother merely perceives that she has a supportive partner, she’s more likely to come through pregnancy happy and healthy, research shows. Studies have variously found that partner support is associated with better birth outcomes and lower levels of distress and depression among both mothers and infants.

But follow-up is key, too, said Dr. Dunkel Schetter. If you don’t actually come through on a promise to assume half of the diaper-changing duties, the benefits of perceived support quickly trail off.

Sometimes, supportive partners will learn that the best kinds of support are nonverbal — offering a hug during a low emotional ebb. And the support should be offered unconditionally. “The person giving it can’t say, ‘Now you owe me, you’re obligated, I’ve done so much for you,’ ” said Dr. Dunkel Schetter.

CenteringPregnancy, a program developed by the Yale School of Nursing, provides social support instruction, among other services, in a group setting for women and their partners; it’s now available in health-care facilities around the United States. (You can find a nearby location on the website.)

  • Take a birthing class — but be open-minded when the day arrives.

Classes like the Bradley Method, which teaches that childbirth can be managed through deep breathing and the support of a partner or labor coach, can be helpful in making you feel more prepared, and offering a sense of what to expect. But Dr. Pilkington pointed out that birth is not the same as being a cast member in a play. The baby sometimes rewrites the script. Things take unexpected turns, or the mother’s preferences before going into labor might change 12 hours in. The partner should avoid rigid thinking about how it was supposed to go, and instead help the mother roll with whatever’s happening and support her choices along the way, Dr. Pilkington said.

  • Have a plan for the weeks after the baby arrives…

Specifically, the partner can draw up an action plan in which he or she commits to executing certain helpful tasks. Maybe it’s late-night feedings if the mother is going to pump breast milk or your baby is on formula. Maybe it’s a daily break that the mom can count on, like taking the baby out for a walk so she can nap or take a bath, said Dr. Pilkington.

  • … But be flexible.

Planning to do those 3 a.m. feedings is one thing. The searing exhaustion that kicks in after four weeks of doing that is another. During your child’s early life, it’s best to expect some meltdowns. (The baby will cry sometimes, too.) Revisit the plan anytime based on whatever challenges you might face at each stage of your baby’s life. It’s O.K. to ask for extra support from friends and family, Dr. Pilkington said. Both parents can use a break in the first couple of months of their baby’s life.  

  • Know your role with feeding.

One task the mother generally handles alone is breastfeeding. But a 2015 studyled by the University of Ontario Institute of Technology suggested that a partner’s active involvement —learning how breastfeeding works and providing encouragement — leads to “significant improvements” in breastfeeding duration. Then think of simple, commonsense ways to step up: Helping the mother stay hydrated by offering a glass of water, bringing healthy snacks and providing a comfortable environment, Dr. Pilkington said.

For parents who can’t breastfeed or choose not to, Dr. Pilkington says it’s important to remember they haven’t failed. “How parents feed their infant is a personal choice that should be based on their specific situation,” she said. If the mother is pumping, you can help maintain the equipment and offer to bottle-feed using the milk. Parents feeding their baby with a bottle — whether it’s formula or breast milk — can split overnight duties, one taking the 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. shift, the other holding down the 2 a.m. to 7 a.m. slot, for example. Partners using formula can make sure there are adequate supplies on hand at all times and know how to mix it. Some formulas can be premixed and stored in the fridge for up to 24 hours, which could save an exhausted mom from having to drowsily scoop powder in the small hours of the night.

  • Expect that your sex life will change — for a while, at least.

This is a biological imperative, so expect the temperature to be dialed down in the marital bed post-birth (for a duration that depends on the circumstances of the delivery; consult a professional). And even after you’re medically cleared, that doesn’t mean you’ll feel the same or have much energy for sex early on. Make a point to seek out alternate forms of intimacy, like hand-holding and cuddling, Dr. Pilkington said. The key, again, is to maintain an emotional connection and strong lines of communication.

  • Look for signs of your own stress, and act on them.

The psychological effect on partners after a baby’s arrival is mostly a black hole in the scientific realm. Dr. Pilkington noted that only 19 of the 120 recent studies around pregnancy touched on outcomes for fathers or partners, and researchers openly acknowledge the need for more research. But the few studies that have been done show that fathers can struggle to navigate this interlude. Dr. Zoe Darwin, Ph.D., a lecturer in maternal health at the University of Leeds in the U.K. who has conducted some early inquiries in this area, found that men often feel stressed and detached but want to keep the spotlight on the mother and child. “The research that we’ve done,” she said, “found that although some of the men we spoke with felt excluded by maternity services, and had experienced significant stress in this period, they often questioned the legitimacy of their experiences and their entitlement to support.” If you feel yourself struggling, let your partner know, and consult a caregiver.


WHEN TO WORRY

If you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, you may need more than a hug or the sage words of a parenting class. Seek professional help from a counselor.

SOURCES

Dr. Pam Pilkington, Ph.D., perinatal psychologist who practices at the Centre for Perinatal Psychology in Melbourne, Australia.

Dr. Christine Dunkel Schetter, Ph.D., professor of psychology and psychiatry at UCLA, expert on stress processes in pregnancy

Dr. Zoe Darwin, Ph.D., lecturer in maternal health at the University of Leeds in the U.K. who specializes in mental health and wellbeing during and after pregnancy.

A Better Me Makes A Better We: An Interview with Ellyn Bader, Ph.D.

A BETTER ME MAKES A BETTER WE: AN INTERVIEW WITH ELLYN BADER, Ph.D.

Kyle Benson

Interview Guest: Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., is a co-founder of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, which integrates attachment theory and differentiation. Through her work at The Couples Institute, she has specialized in helping couples transform their relationships since 1984.

The idealized relationship where partners are fused at the hip is not a healthy relationship, as it doesn’t allow for the unique differences of each partner. Bader highlights this fusion as a conflict avoidant stance that happens when one partner feels anxious or uncomfortable and attempts to merge with their spouse.

One way of doing this is becoming more like your partner in hopes of being loved. There’s a deep fear that says, “If I express my needs and have different needs than my partner, I’m going to be abandoned.”

The other conflict avoidant stance is loving your partner at arm’s length. The fear in this stance says, “If I become more open and vulnerable, I’m going to get swallowed up and lose my sense of self.”

As Dr. David Schnarch states in his book entitled Passionate Marriage, “Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship.”

Fusion happens when a person is fearful of encountering differences. These can be minor differences including how one spends their time or their hobbies, or major differences such as conflict style and desire for togetherness. The opposite of fusion is differentiation.

The Risk of Growth

Bader describes differentiation as an active process “in which partners define themselves to each other.” Differentiation requires the risk of being open to growth and being honest not only with your partner, but also with yourself.

  • If you’re anxious, it could mean realizing that you lean on partner so much that if they become unstable, you both fall down. Your demands on your partner and the way you discuss conflict may be pushing your partner away, which is the very thing you fear.
  • If you’re avoidant, it could mean noticing that you neglect your partner’s needs and prioritize yourself over your relationship. As a result, you perpetuate the loneliness you feel.
    To grow in your relationship requires a willingness to stand on what Bader calls your “developmental edge” and differentiate yourself as an individual. To risk getting closer to your partner without pushing them away.

What Differentiation Looks Like

In conflict, a differentiated lover can give space to their partner who is emotionally overwhelmed while also remaining close enough to be caring and supportive, but not so close that they lose themselves emotionally. Instead of reacting with overwhelming emotion, a differentiated partner, according to Bader, expresses curiosity about their partner’s emotional state:

“Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
“Can you tell me about these feelings?”

The more differentiated you are, the less likely you are to take things as personally. As a result, you can soothe yourself or reach out to be soothed by your partner in a helpful way. Instead of saying, “You’re such a jerk. You never care for me,” a differentiated partner would say, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and lonely. Could you give me a hug?”

To differentiate is to develop a secure way of relating to your partner. This earned security, as highlighted by Bader, is created both internally and developed within the context of a relationship. This requires being authentic with your feelings and needs.

You can cultivate a secure and functioning relationship by recognizing and taking responsibility for your part in creating unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. When you do this, you can then express your needs, desires, and wishes in a way that allows you and your partner to work together to meet each other’s needs.

When both partners are whole, not only is there more flexibility in the marriage, but there is also more intimacy.

Why Women, but Not Men, Are Judged for a Messy House

WHY WOMEN, BUT NOT MEN, ARE JUDGED FOR A MESSY HOUSE

Claire Cain Miller

“The Smiths share the drudgery of housework, for they both have important war jobs,” the Office of War Information wrote about this photo circa 1944.

They’re still held to a higher social standard, which explains why they’re doing so much housework, studies show.

Even in 2019, messy men are given a pass and messy women are unforgiven. Three recently published studies confirm what many women instinctively know: Housework is still considered women’s work — especially for women who are living with men.

Women do more of such work when they live with men than when they live alone, one of the studies found. Even though men spend more time on domestic tasks than men of previous generations, they’re typically not doing traditionally feminine chores like cooking and cleaning, another showed. The third study pointed to a reason: Socially, women — but not men — are judged negatively for having a messy house and undone housework.

It’s an example of how social mores, whether or not an individual believes in them, influence behavior, the social scientists who did the research say. And when it comes to gender, expectations about housework have been among the slowest to change.

“Everyone knows what the stereotype or expectations might be, so even if they don’t endorse them personally, it will still affect their behavior,” even if they say they have progressive views about gender roles, said Sarah Thébaud, a sociologist at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and an author of one of the papers.

The additional time that women spend on unpaid household labor is a root of gender inequality — it influences how men and women relate at home, and how much time women spend on paid work.

On average, women spend 2.3 hours a day on house tasks, and men spend 1.4 hours, according to Department of Labor data. Even when men say they split housework evenly, the data shows they do not. (Women do more of these kinds of chores in the office, too.)

One of the recent studies, in the journal Demography, analyzed American Time Use Survey data and found that mothers married to men did more housework than single mothers, slept less and had less leisure time.

“One possibility is what people believe is expected of them to be a good wife and partner is still really strong, and you’re held to those standards when you’re living with someone,” said Joanna Pepin, a sociologist at the University of Maryland, who wrote the paper with Liana Sayer, a colleague at Maryland, and Lynne Casper from the University of Southern California.

Other possibilities, Ms. Pepin said, were that men created more housework; single mothers were more tired; or children did more chores when they lived with a single mother.

Women tend to do more indoor chores, research shows, like cleaning and cooking, most of which occur daily. Men do more outdoor chores, like lawn mowing or car washing, which happen less often.

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Another recent study, in the journal Gender & Society, looked at people in opposite-sex marriages and found that even though men who live in cities spend less time on outdoor chores than suburban or rural men, they don’t spend any additional time on other kinds of chores. Women spend the same amount of time on chores regardless of where they live.

The pattern demonstrates how much housework is considered women’s work, said the researchers, Natasha Quadlin at Ohio State University and Long Doan at the University of Maryland, who used data from the American Time Use Survey and the Current Population Survey.

One way to be masculine is to do typically male chores, they concluded — and another way is to refuse to do typically female ones.

These studies relied on survey data to show what people do. A study published last month in Sociological Methods & Research tried to explain why women do more housework. The researchers conducted an experiment to uncover the beliefs that drive people’s behavior.

They showed 624 people a photo of a messy living room and kitchen — dishes on the counters, a cluttered coffee table, blankets strewn about — or the clean version of the same space. (They used MTurk, a survey platform popular with social scientists; the participants were slightly more educated and more likely to be white and liberal than the population at large.)

The results debunked the age-old excuse that women have an innately lower tolerance for messiness. Men notice the dust and piles. They just aren’t held to the same social standards for cleanliness, the study found.

When participants were told that a woman occupied the clean room, it was judged as less clean than when a man occupied it, and she was thought to be less likely to be viewed positively by visitors and less comfortable with visitors.

Both men and women were penalized for having a messy room. When respondents were told it was occupied by a man, they said that it was in more urgent need of cleaning and that the men were less responsible and hardworking than messy women. The mess seemed to play into a stereotype of men as lazy slobs, the researchers said.

But there was a key difference:Unlike for women, participants said messy men were not likely to be judged by visitors or feel uncomfortable having visitors over.

“It may activate negative stereotypes about men if they’re messy, but it’s inconsequential because there’s no expected social consequence to that,” said Ms. Thébaud, who did the study with the sociologists Sabino Kornrich of Emory and Leah Ruppanner of the University of Melbourne. “It’s that ‘boys will be boys’ thing.”

Most of the time, respondents said a woman would be responsible for cleaning the room — especially if the occupants were in a heterosexual marriage and both were working full time.

“The ways it gets reinforced are so subtle,” said Darcy Lockman, the author of a new book about the unequal division of labor, “All the Rage,” and a clinical psychologist. “‘I should relieve my husband of burdens’ — it’s so automatic.”

Social scientists have been observing these pressures for decades. In 1989, the sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild wrote “The Second Shift,” documenting how even in dual-career couples, women did significantly more housework and child care than men. In 1998, the sociologist Barbara Risman described in the book “Gender Vertigo” how people feel pressure from members of both genders to perform certain roles.

Since then, men’s and women’s roles have changed in many parts of life — but not regarding housekeeping. In a study last year, Ms. Risman showed that Americans are now more likely to value gender equality at work than at home.

Bigger forces shape these beliefs. Employers increasingly demand employees to be on call at work, for example, which can end up forcing one parent (usually the mother) to step back from work to be on call at home. This happens for same-sex couples, too, showing that it’s not just about gender — it’s also about the way paid work is set up.

Policies that encourage men to take on more responsibility at home — like use-it-or-lose-it paternity leave in Canada and Scandinavian countries — could increase their involvement, evidence suggests.

The stereotypes start with what boys are taught. Research has found that when mothers work for pay and fathers do household chores, their sons become adults who spend more time on housework.

So far, what we know about the next generation is that girls are doing less housework. But boys aren’t doing that much more.

A Mother’s Letter to Her Daughter

A MOTHER’S LETTER TO HER DAUGHTER

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Girl Child Unaware of Challenges Ahead:

Dear daughter, now that you’ve come into the world, beautiful and delicate, I must protect you and teach you the hash truth concerning the things which await you. You must keep your head up and put on your armour. You must stand and fight, little angel.

Women have fought for equal rights for generations. The battles have been hard-fought, but we still have a long way to go. Our victories are surrounded by uncertainty. Women from different calibers can tell of their challenges because it’s still just a dream. A dream which perhaps your generation will make real.

Because you are a girl and one day will become a woman, you have forces to fight. Pressure to overcome. Inequalities to push through. Stigma and abuse to endure throughout your life. You must gear up with confidence and strength and stay vigilant. Above all, focus on yourself first and seek guidance from Almighty God.

They have it all wrong:

Women are thought to be very strong but they are more fragile than a bird’s egg. They smile and hide their sorrows from their children and the world. They give hugs even with a hundred knives sticking from their back. They drown silently in their own tears. Only a woman can look at her child from her dying bed, wipe away the tears on the child’s face and tell them she’s okay.

Because they are the backbone holding a family together, they sacrifice everything to see others happy. Although their efforts often go unnoticed, they are like a nonstop clock, only better because they never run out of energy. “When the time comes, don’t forget to take care of yourself too, my little angel.”

Invest in Yourself First:

A trusting woman can spend the last penny from her retirement benefit to build the man in her life only to watch him walk out on her and the children in search of the woman of his dream. Left with little hope and strength, she looks at her children, smiles and assures them that it’s going to be alright.

She gathers herself together, gets down on her knees and talks to God. At dawn she rolls her sleeves up and starts all over – because she has the strength of a woman. “Never get into this trap my little angel; build yourself, you will never get disappointed. An independent woman is a powerful soul.”

Too Many Hats will Ruin your Hairstyle:

Too much work will wear your spirit out.

A woman wears many hats – a wife, a mother, a cook, a cleaner, a nurse, an organizer, a prayer worrior, a provider, among others. Some call her superwoman, others focus on what was left undone. She does all the feminized work done more often by women than by men.

She thinks, worries, pays attention and delegates but her efforts are largely invisible. She gets almost no recognition or pay. Everything overwhelms her, but she only cries when nobody is watching. She understands she’s the backbone holding her family together. “You cannot do it all, my little angel. Do what you can and never be afraid to ask for help.”

Believe in Yourself:

A woman supports and validates a man’s dreams but she has to fight for her own. Do not give away your power to someone else. You can do anything if you lead. You do not have to follow lest you end up falling off the cliff.

A woman loves without ceasing because she’s made of pure love. The heart has misled many; sadly some are not here to tell their story. Don’t close your eyes when you kiss a man. They shut your mind down if you do. Open them wide and see beyond the kiss. “If you ever fall in love, use your brain to love and not your heart, my little angel.”

Don’t Get Stuck in a Rut:

A woman is often mistreated, abused and stepped on. Sadly she forgives and hopes for a brighter day – because she understands that she’s the torch-bearer of peace and she cannot afford to drop it down lest it burns out. Never misuse your strength, my little angle. It is OK to walk out and close the door behind you. “I understand it might be scary but, remember, you are stronger than you think.”

Women are beautifully and wonderfully made. They are a masterpiece and not an object. You do not have to buy somebody’s love by offering your body. Once you give in, the desire goes with their promises. If anyone is worthy, they will wait and love you until you’re ready and of sound mind to know exactly what you want.

Take baby steps with life, little angel. Do not rush through. Don’t exhaust yourself. Live for the moment, put God first, do the things that make you happy and do not expect from anyone but your Creator. Climb to the top of the mountain first, then drop a rope to help others get there. It is not selfish, it is the way of life.

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” Maya Angelou. Remain under His wings, my little angel. You will be safe there now and after this life. I will not always be here with you; one day the winds will carry me into the unknown.
However, God will forever hold you in His arms. He is the one true God who is the beginning and the end. He is our Heavenly Father who controls the unseen winds. In Him we are safe in this walk of life and the unknown.

Keep this letter close to your heart and remember to share your wisdom with your friends. Tell them it is a letter from mothers to their daughters.

The Value Dating Economy

THE VALUE DATING ECONOMY

Kyle Benson

It’s Easter. You’re in the grocery store, and you can’t stop staring at the blonde girl buying flowers. You feel a pull towards her. She’s beautiful.

You’re obsessively strategizing ways to introduce yourself. When we become attracted to someone, we don’t necessarily choose who it is:  there’s never a logical reason behind it.. Attraction and love is a complicated process. I remember meeting this beautiful blond who modeled for Cover Girl, but the moment our hands touched, I felt revolted by her man hands. She was an amazing person, but for some odd reason this was something I just couldn’t get over.

Let’s explore how the process happens.

Miguel and Maria are at a wedding of a mutual friend. As they approach each other, there’s tension building between them. From the second they noticed each other; the two enter into a nonstop exchange of information.

This reduces uncertainty, and it weighs the value that each person offers the other. Miguel and Maria were making judgments and assumptions about one another before the first word was even spoken.

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There is something about Miguel’s well-groomed hair, strong physique and neatly trimmed facial hair that Maria finds unique. Maria’s soft voice and green eyes excite Miguel. As they begin to play verbal ping-pong, they can sense the excitement and energy of something more than just a conversation.

They find similarities in each other’s personalities, which increases their chemistry and connection. This develops positive feedback loops as they to continue to get to know each other.

As Miguel talks about his life growing up in Puerto Rico and his childish tendencies of stuffing food in his mouth like a chipmunk, it makes Maria smile. As he explains that he saves the storage for later, she giggles and lightly hits him on the shoulder. As soon as she does this, the distance between them decreases unconsciously. It continues to shrink until they both give in to the urge to kiss.

What’s happening here?

What causes Miguel to get so excited about Maria, rather than his best friend Kelly? She’s similar to Maria. They’re both attractive Latina women with green eyes? What is it about Miguel that turns on Maria more than her friend John, who is well-groomed and in good shape, just like Miguel?

When you meet someone, your mind immediately seeks to remove uncertainty… Are they a psychopathic killer? Is she going to try to use me, or try to make me do something I don’t want to do? Do they like me? Will I like them? 

Your unconscious is forming an assessment based on countless factors. Their physical attractiveness, fashion style, ethnicity, accent, body language, their emotional energy, and the content of the words coming from their lips. You’re assessing whether those words match the intentions you’ve already assumed about them.

At some point, we began to move past a place of uncertainty. We start to ask ourselves new questions that predict the value of our future relationship. 1 Is this someone I want to keep as a friend, someone I just want to sleep with, or someone I want to seriously date? All of these evaluations are happening simultaneously as the verbal and nonverbal conversation continues.

Anyone else’s behavior is filtered through your mind by your own perceptions, feelings, and thoughts. The Cover Girl model may have a husband that loves her hands, because his mother’s hands were rough and calloused from working hard at the local mill when he was young. Meanwhile, I find them disgusting and discomforting.

In its simplest form, human interactions can be reduced to value feedback: a nonstop loop of expressing, receiving and interpreting of verbal and nonverbal.

When you talk to an attractive girl and she doesn’t reply, you receive negative feedback. You might interpret that reaction as she’s being rude. You might interpret that she’s hard of hearing. Or you might interpret it that she’s attracted to you, but she’s playing hard-to-get.

You expressed yourself by talking, but you received nothing from her in the conversation. This makes it feel like a one-sided conversation, and your brain interprets the experience. What your brain interprets out of her response is crucial to what happens next.

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When the feedback loop is positive and to our liking, we find the person attractive. More compelling. Your attraction to each other is dependent on the appraisal method we use to value ourselves and others. It’s in this sense that we attract what we are.

Everything in life has a value, and just like happiness,  our value differs from anyone else. It’s based on the quality of experience we have or desire to have throughout our life. Maybe you value religion more than money or physical attractiveness more than intelligence. and so on. To make this process a little more simple, I am going to take a few exemplary items of what may make someone attractive, and provide a value that will total 100.

24-year-old Kelly unconsciously values the following things:

Religion = 4

Socio-economic status = 25

Attractiveness = 37

Age = 5

Political ideology = 1

Intelligence = 6

Hobbies = 2

Partying = 12

I’ve purposely skewed Kelly’s values to demonstrate how demographics play into attractiveness. Obviously, Kelly is a wild child. She cares deeply about superficial values, such as wealth and attractiveness, over intelligence, hobbies or age.

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She’d be perfectly happy to date a club owner who is  in his mid-thirties. She wouldn’t care if his life didn’t contain much outside of partying. People tend to place a higher value  on things which either makes them feel better or compliment and advance their own perceived value.

 Kelly’s best bet to meet someone would be to spend a majority of her time going to nightclubs, rather than attending a meditation retreat. This validates the point of this demographics. Our matching of similar values are contextually driven and contextually matched.

Some may even consider Kelly a stereotypical gold digger . Such women tend to come from poverty. She’s contextually driven, which means she values money more than anything else, and she will seek out a man that is very wealthy because she believes that money makes her life valuable, which contextually matches her values. Not that this is true every time; a woman can also be a ‘gold digger’ if she’s from a very wealthy family, and was raised to believe money was important.

Every single one of us have a unique value system to account for our unique preferences. It’s much more than your political beliefs or your cultural preferences. It’s a contact super glued to your eyeball that filters, sorts and processes all of the information you receive. Once this information is received, it is assigned a value.

Playing soccer has a specific value to me.

Watching Dexter and eating ice cream has a high value to a girl I know

Shooting guns has a specific value to another friend of mine.

Our value is derived from our biological programming, our own preferences (if we choose them), and socialization that is relative to our specific cultures. I like to think of matching values as a car key. The feedback is the key; the unique shape is the value. Whether it starts the car is dependent on whether the key matches the keyhole.

So ask yourself, right now: what are your values?

If I were to use the same listed values as Kelly, my list would be:

Religion =3

Socio-economic Status = 6

Attractiveness = 16

Age = 7

Political Ideology = 9

 Intelligence = 30

Hobbies = 20

Partying = 9

It’s clear that I value knowledge and intelligence, because I love a mentally stimulating conversation. I feel more emotionally connected to a person who is going to challenge or broaden my views of the world.

Understanding your own values will enable you to consciously select environments, and meet women who share those same values. Those are the types of relationships we want. We want them with women that have similar values, because those are the women who will make you happy. That’s what relationships should be about. Not the number of times you’ve gotten laid.

  1. Sunnafrank, Michael. “Predicted Outcome Value In Initial Conversations.” Communication Research Reports 5.2 (1988): 169-172. 

How to Understand and Save your Marriage

HOW TO UNDERSTAND AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Sheqoz


Marriage is a ground for building long term true love

Love Bonds Two as One:

The need to be loved is a primary emotional need for all mankind. A trigger for an invitation to share love on long-term basis. This desire is a phenomenon that follows us from childhood. If you remember your child hood memories, nothing made you happier than your parents love.

As an adult, when you found someone to reciprocate this feeling, it fulfilled your desire to be loved. Marriage presents the opportunity to share love on a deeper level for a long time. Love is free and it does not come with conditions or stipulations, it radiates independently like the sun.

Yearning for Love in Marriage:


It is important to acknowledge each other in marriage

The need to feel loved by your spouse is at the heart of marital desires. Married couples should understand this. In today’s society, we often find ourselves neglecting each other’s feelings in search of material possession which are no replacement for human emotional love.

If you think of a two-sided weighing scale; both weight must be equal for it to balance. Marriage is the same, it takes both spouses to balance things out. There must be consistent deposits into the love account by both partners.

The Beginning of Marital Problems:

The distraction from daily hassles has wrecked many marriages as it Creates emotional distancing. For example; a husband who spends all his time chasing material possession has no time to connect with his wife. In return, she feels ignored and starts drifting away emotionally, which leads to a lonely wife syndrome.

When and if her husband desires her, she turns him down because she feels ignored until desired. She has valid reasons but since they’re unspoken, her husband too turns into a victim of undesired. A contributing factor for most infidelities. Both couples are more than likely to seek emotional fulfillment outside of their marriage.

Attention Seeking in Marriage is Normal:


Marriage is a give and take

When marital problems begin to surface. Couples might start feeling burdened by each other. For this reason, they may start giving each other the cold treatment. I have friends confess to not having spoken to their husbands for weeks. You see, nature cries out to be loved by another; which makes isolation devastating to the human psyche.

The very reason solitary confinement is one of the cruelest punishment. Everyone desires to be intimate and to be loved by someone and marriage is ground to fulfill these purpose. It is not meant to be an isolation chamber. Therefore it is ok for a woman to seek her husband’s attention and vice versa. Couples who acknowledge each other stay together.

Understanding your Commitment:

When you got married, you entered into an intimate union. Living any differently can make love elusive. Something that changes both your feelings from how they were in the beginning of things. This is why you often hear people complaining that their spouse changed.

Married couples should avoid cold treatment at all costs. Emotional separation triggers arguments, disrespectful words and even hate. This doesn’t mean that there was no love in the first place, it simply means the inner person became emotionally empty. How does this happen?

Let’s think of an automobile, when gas tank is full, you can drive longer distances. If the tank is empty, the engine won’t run as intended. The same is true with love, you must refill your partner’s emotional desires constantly.

When emotional feelings are left unattended because of the busy life schedules. They sadly dry up, as a result; husbands complain that their wives don’t love them anymore and vice versa. Remember the fire you both had in the beginning? It cannot continue burning if there’s nothing to fuel it.


Marriage is ground for lifetime love and happiness

The Grass is Never Greener on the Other Side.

Marriage is like a silver trophy award which you received for maintaining the flames. You earned it through consistency. Unfortunately most couples get too comfortable and place the trophy on the shelves. Once the silver gets tarnished, they toss it into the garbage for a replacement.

The very reason for three, four and even five failed marriages. They don’t realize the same old mistake will tarnish the new trophy as well. What I’m l trying to say? Taking old habits into a new relationship will end things in the same direction as the previous one.

One must have clear understanding of marriage fundamentals and patience to build stability. I also strongly believe in God’s intentions for marriage. A man was declared the head of a home and so shall it be. Wise women build their homes while wise men put strong foundations.

It is easier to work on a familiar situation than walk into the unknown. If you have been considering separation, pull your tarnished silver from the shelves and give it a good polish. Separation should be a last option. Things don’t just get rocky in marriage. Couples get too comfortable and neglect their roles.

Unless you are in a violent relationship, get to the bottom of the problem and start working on each other with great respect and kindness towards one another. If there’s violence involved, please walk out before it’s too late and seek professional help. Good luck in your relationship.

How to Make Him Miss You and Call You More

HOW TO MAKE HIM MISS YOU AND CALL YOU MORE

Team Lovepanky

Ever wondered how to make him miss you more often, or make him call you more? Here are all the tips and sneaky tricks you’d need to make your man miss you more, and desire you all the time.

Knowing how to make him miss you or make him call you more is a tricky pursuit.

You can’t really whine and tell him that you miss him, and wish he’d call you more often.

But could there be a way to make him miss you more, just like that?

How to make him miss you

How many times have we sat by the phone wondering what the man in our life is up to, and when is he ever going to call us again!

Now I’m not saying men don’t think about their girlfriends.

But I am indeed saying that the novelty of a new relationship wears off faster for a man than for a woman.

Why does this happen? Well, it’s simple, because women give in too easily and reveal all even more easily.

Learn how to make him call you more and miss you more by understanding these simple tips.

HOW TO MAKE HIM MISS YOU

#1 Surprise him

There’s no point in being an open book early in a relationship.

Keep him interested and into you by mentioning to him the summer you spent in Paris by yourself or your skills on the violin. Go out to a karaoke bar one night and floor him with your singing ability.

Never let him know who you really are, let him experience that by being with you.

#2 Be sincere

Make him feel like he’s found his soul mate in you. The idea is to be sincere.

Genuinely listen to what he has to say. Ask questions, and keep in mind what and who he talks about so that the next time he brings it up, you can show him that you actually do listen.

#3 Have no expectations

It’s a common mistake that every girl makes when she expect that a man is as hooked on you as you are on him, or that he is going to be exactly like your sappy man-child of an ex-boyfriend. Remind yourself why you ditched your ex.

If he doesn’t arrive at your doorstep with a dozen red roses every day, it does not mean that he is not into you.

HOW TO MAKE HIM MISS YOU – DIRTY, SNEAKY WAYS!

Read on for a few really sneaky ways to make him miss you and make him call you more.

#1 Hang up before he does

If you end the conversation before he does, it’ll keep him wanting more. Admit it, it happens to you all the time. Well, maybe in some cases, playing hard to get really does work.

#2 Do not accept any last minute dates

This is a sneakier variant of the first way to make him miss you more. Never, I repeat, never ever make it seem like you’re poised at the edge of your seat waiting for him to make time for you. Not only does this make you look like the ultimate loser, it will make him take you for granted. You should never accept the option of being Plan B.

#3 Great perfume

Pick the perfect perfume, and remember that the key word here is subtlety. You’ll know it has worked when he keeps leaning in. But remember to take it easy and not douse yourself in fragrances. You’d also want a leave a trace of it on him so that he remembers you after he drives you home.

MAKE HIM CALL YOU MORE: WILL IT WORK?

So what do you do if (god forbid) all your hard work doesn’t work and he still doesn’t call more or miss you more? First of all, don’t jump into conclusions. For all you know, there could have been an emergency.

You may call once or leave a message but do not overdo it and fill his inbox with “whr r u” and “y hvnt u cald” messages. Secondly do not obsess, immerse yourself in those hobbies you wowed him with. And finally if he calls you a month later without an excuse asking you out on a date, do not accept it. That would be an insult to your womanhood.

You have to accept rejection as a part of life and that it happens to everyone all the time. If things don’t work out, don’t sweat it.

After all, you do know the best tips on how to make him miss you and make him call you more. If it’s not working, perhaps he’s just not that into you.

Men Who Stare at Women

MEN WHO STARE AT WOMEN

Team Lovepanky

Staring at women is a fun hobby for most men, but seriously, what is it with men who stare at women? The Super Fella explains everything you need to know about the Stare, and how to stop a guy from doing just that.

What’s the real reason behind why men stare at women?

Each time a woman walks past, most men just can’t stop staring at her.

A few men may be discreet, while a few perverts may go “strip mode”, but either ways, men who stare at women incessantly are just no good.

Understanding why men stare at women

For most of my life, I had never really figured that women get annoyed when men stare at them.

But I guess it does bother women, because I’ve heard the story of the “scary stares” from girlfriends one too many times.

I for one, have never really experienced an ugly reverse stare from a woman, so you can forgive me for not figuring this out earlier.

But then, when men stare at women and the women don’t like it nor do they glance back, I really don’t think that qualifies for a flirtatious stare exchange.

But either ways, I don’t know what that stare could be called, so let’s just call it ‘the Stare’!

Men and staring at women

The last time I was out in a coffee shop with a girl pal of mine, I could sense that she was feeling quite uncomfortable, but she just shrugged it off when I asked her about it.

After a while, she told me about a guy who left the coffee shop just then. Apparently, he was doing ‘the stare’ thing with her! Oooh, it sounds creepy, doesn’t it? Almost as bad as Grudge Part I, she told me.

I was quite surprised because an occasional stare is complimenting, if the guy’s presentable enough. But then, she tells me it doesn’t matter how good the guy is, if it’s ‘the stare’ that he’s using, that’s just creepy and annoying.

To me, men who stare at women constantly sounded hilarious. To her, it was freaky. So that was my cue. I had to enlighten all women about ‘the stare’ and about men who stare at women. To blow the dust off the surface, ‘the stare’ isn’t just an ‘I’m-so-shy-I’d-wet-my-pants-if-I-looked-twice’ kind of thing from a guy. It’s actually more like the stare that forces you to time travel back fifty thousand years and see a hairy ape-like man grunting and beating his chest!

Now that I picture that, the hair on the back of my neck seems to stand up. I’m just being dramatic here, really, so I can relate to all the poor women who’ve had to put up with the knee buckling stare.

Men who stare at women and the way they think

So why do men stare at women really? First off, men stare because their eyes need action. Secondly, because they want to. Thirdly, because they can! However much it pisses off a woman, men stare at women and will continue to do so. Most men who have understood the fact that we live in the 21st century don’t stare hard at women, but men who haven’t yet figured that they’re way past the Stone Age still stare at women like they’re getting set for a mating ritual.

It’s those men you see, men who stare at women with such intensity that women would be confused whether the guy’s constipating or just trying to fart real bad. Now that’s the guy who has ‘the stare’ in his eyes. And that’s the guy you’ve got to have in your blind spot.

Now I’m the kind of guy who hates seeing a woman in a spot of trouble. I’m not a male chauvinistic pig, and I don’t mind sitting in the passenger seat of a car, while a woman’s driving, though the ride can be a bit freaky at times. And I’m the guy who stops the car and gets off to help, if a woman’s having a fight with a cab driver or fixing a flat tire. Women are sweet, but some men take their sweetness as a sign of vulnerability, which sucks. Okay, I’m digressing a wee bit too much.

Why do men stare at women instead of talking?

It’s all in the head, you see. When the man was still a boy, most other bigger boys and men told him that it’s not easy to talk with woman. The big men say this to cover up their own shortcomings with women. The smaller boys use this as an excuse to squirm out of making a move on a girl.

The point here is, the first thing that pops into a man’s mind when he wants to approach a woman is, “Will she insult me?” And with that one thought, a drum beat starts drumming away inside his head. And it just gets worse as he gets closer to starting a conversation with a woman.

Most men hate that feeling of getting spurned by a woman, and they definitely hate that drumbeat that’s their heart as they approach women. So they just sit back and stare at women. It’s the next best alternative for a loser of a guy who’s so sure he’d be spurned if he’d ever make a move. So he just sits back, and devours as much of you as he possibly can without making himself feel uncomfortable. These guys are just losers anyways, and they’re the ones who end up with goats or animals to give them company in bed, unless one of the women he stares at, finds it exciting and falls right into his arms.

Do men stare at all women?

All women. Definitely. Most women think men stare only at beautiful girls, petite girls, or girls with breasts that fill their shirts really well, but men who use ‘the stare’ don’t really give a damn. They just want attention back.

They want to stare right at you, and hope you’ll stare back. Of course, you’re going to be curious at first and give him a few glances out of curiosity. But these men take these little innocent glances as a sign of triumph. They think they’re on stage two of hooking up, now that they’re past the ‘stare, watch, and wait for reciprocation’ stage, and they try giving women that creepy smile along with ‘the stare’. This is when you’d feel like throwing up all over his annoying face.

Men who stare at women know you won’t really do anything about it, so they continue staring at women wherever they are. It’s annoying, but at least now you know why men stare at women.

But do you want to know how to piss the men who stare at women off, or what men really imagine when they stare? Click here to continue reading about why guys stare at girls to get the real dirty picture!

How to Think Like a Man and Impress your Guy

HOW TO THINK LIKE A MAN AND IMPRESS YOUR GUY

Team Lovepanky

Men complain that women are just too different and difficult to understand. So learn to think like a man and impress your guy just the way he wants!

Do you want to know to think like a man, especially in a relationship?

Ever heard your man grumble that you just don’t understand him?

Or did he whine about how women are just so different?

Now before you try changing yourself for his sake, you should know that men may whine a lot about women and their behavior.

But all said and done, men still want women to behave like women, and leave the “manly” behavior to the men.

There are a few times though, when you behaving like a man can make him exceptionally happy.

So if you want to know how to think like a man, and impress your guy, here are a few starting points.

How to think like a man

Thinking like a man is easy. Girls grow up and become women. Boys get bigger and become men.

If you want to think like a man, all you need to do is bring out your inner tomboy child.

Try these manly behavior traits when you’re with your own man. And big chances are, he’ll bear hug you in happiness or brag about how his girlfriend is the bestest in the whole world to all his friends!

Men don’t beat around the bush

If you want to think like a man, start with this one.

When you’re angry, do you always tell your man straight out about the reason behind your frustration? Most women don’t. They’d rather hold it in and grumble in a corner while the man goes back into a series of flashbacks just to understand what and where he did wrong. And almost always, until he realizes what offended his woman, he pays the price.

Men don’t do that. If your man is angry with you, he’d rather just blurt it out to you in a bad way than hold it in and rephrase the crushing annoyance in a manner that would have the maximum impact. If you want to be a man, the next time you’re upset with him for something, say it out straight and don’t beat around the bush. At least then, he’d know what he’s apologizing for!

Men like their space

Ever seen your man sitting by himself and happily building a car scale model or polishing his car? He likes doing that. Men absolutely love their space. He may feel guilty at times and try to spend more time with you to make up for it though.

The best way to deal with this is by keeping yourself occupied with your own hobby once in a while. Go out with your friends now and then, or indulge yourself in a few activities that you enjoy around your own place. By doing this, you’d lift your man’s bag of guilt off his back, and help him appreciate your independence a lot more!

Men like sex a lot more than foreplay

All women know this well. Your man may be nice enough to spend a while indulging in foreplay for your satisfaction, so learn to return the favor now and then by excusing him off a few tongue twister moves and cuddles before sex. Take him straight to bed and ask him to get on top as soon as you feel ready down there. He’d probably be surprised, but it’s going to be a happy one

Your man loves his gadgets and games

All men love playing on their game consoles or even spending time with their little remote controlled cars. It may seem immature, but for a man, it gives him a bit of time to get away from the world. Now men know their women would never understand this fascination.

But if you want to know how to think like a man, let him know that you can enjoy a good game too. The next time your man’s out for a while, play with his man toys and try to enjoy a good game. There’s a good chance that you may understand his fascination after a while too.

And when your man does get back home and sees you busy enjoying his game, there’s a big chance his eyes will well up with tears of joy!

Men love getting wasted

Men just love losing control of their senses now and then. Every man has his own reason, all the way from hoping he’d get molested in a drunken stupor by a group of sexy girls, to drinking being his way of dealing with the crap life throws at him.

Plan a Saturday night for him. Stock up your refrigerator with beer and booze and get wasted together. Just make sure the doors are locked and you’re close to the bed and the loo. Remember, the fun starts when both of you start trash talking. The best part is that your man would never forget those happy nights when you both have fun binge drinking together. Dealing with the hangover come Sunday morning, well, that’s a small price for a load of happiness, isn’t it?

Men love porn

Ever caught your man in front of his computer late at night with his hands deep inside his pants? Of course, your man will be embarrassed to get caught in a compromising position.

You may be pissed off or even insulted to see that he actually had to watch another naked woman to get an erection and have a bit of fun when he already has you. It’s natural that you’d feel that way, but men don’t understand that.

For men, porn is porn. And looking at another naked woman or two isn’t cheating, it’s having a good time.

Instead of rebuking him or getting upset and throwing a pillow for him to sleep on the couch, join him and watch the movie together if you want to think like a man. Watching erotica together can be a lot of fun and he’ll feel relieved too.  How many lucky guys get to have sex with their woman while watching a few other women at the same time? And odds are, you’ll love the hot men in the movie too!

Times when he won’t enjoy your manly behavior

Now that you know how to think like a man, use these tips to impress him and let him know how understanding you can be.

But at the same time, don’t overdo it. It would only upset him or make him wonder what’s going on. Here are a few great examples of woman showing man behavior gone wrong.

# Sex is just sex. Don’t fall asleep immediately after sex like a man does, without even looking at him. If it happens a few times in a row, he’ll probably spoon you and cry himself to sleep.

# Men look at other women even if they’re in love. Don’t do the same. He’d probably pick a fight with the guy you’re staring at, or think you’re a flirty cheat-in-the-box. But use this move if he disrespects you by ogling a lot at other women all the time.

# Men don’t change their favorite frayed pants or tee shirts unless his woman throws it out. If you wear your old, fading clothes and laze on the couch, he’ll probably think you’re starting to look ugly.

# Men burp and fart with their friends. But in your endeavor to think like a man, don’t ever do that. He’d think he’s turning gay or you’re turning into a guy. Either ways, it’s not good news for you.

Now that you know how to think like a man, try these moves and impress your guy with ease. Well, just as long as you don’t go overboard with your manly behavior!

How to Keep a Guy Interested: 30 Effortlessly Easy and Sexy Ways

HOW TO KEEP A GUY INTERESTED: 30 EFFORTLESSLY EASY AND SEXY WAYS

Team Lovepanky

Want to know how to keep a guy interested in you no matter what? Here are 30 sexy ways to make yourself dreamy and desirable in your man’s eyes.

Many girls may assume that guys are fickle and have a low interest span.

But in reality, guys are no different from girls when it comes to staying happy in a relationship.

Guys, just like girls, love novelty.

And they always want to be with a girl who’s desirable, and one that’s envied by other girls and desired by other guys.

Do you want to be that girl?

How to keep a guy interested

To keep a guy interested in you, you just need to remember a few ways to keep his interest aroused and his desire in you peaked.

Here are 30 sexy ways to do just that!

Use these tips on how to keep a guy interested in you, and you’d see how easy it can be to make him want you all the time.

#1 Be spontaneous. Shock him, awe him, make plans for the evening or plan an entire elaborate date by yourself. Surprise him and never be too predictable.

#2 Don’t change yourself. Stay true to the real person that you are. Don’t change yourself constantly assuming he doesn’t like your personality. Be creative, but stick to your comfort zone.

#3 Take initiatives in bed. Your guy may like taking control in bed, but when you dominate him and show off your confidence, he can’t help but be awed by your confidence and sexiness in bed.

#4 Smell great all the time. Always smell great around him but don’t overpower subtle fragrances with sickly sweet perfumes though. Always smell good, and pay special attention to your personal hygiene and body odor.

#5 Awe his friends. Men are competitive. As long as he thinks he has the best girl in his social circle, he’ll always cling to you and want to be with you. Awe his friends and make them think you’re a great girl, and you’ve done a great job.

#6 Learn to seduce him. Seduction doesn’t stop in bed. Be sexy around him and be creative wherever you go.

#7 Show interest in his hobbies. A guy would absolutely love a girl who shows interest in his special hobbies, be it playing on his Xbox or climbing a mountain. Men want to spend their lives with a woman who truly understands them and connects to them.

#8 Don’t be a drama queen. It’s alright to throw a fussy fit now and then if your guy disrespects you. But no matter what, don’t exaggerate a situation or blow it out of proportion just to prove a point. Guys can see through the acts of even the best drama queens.

#9 Be his shoulder to lean on. Give him your strength and support when he’s low on morale. Reassure him and help him confide his problems to you. Be his confidant and his warm pillow when he’s in the dumps and he’ll treat you like a goddess.

#10 Be his arm candy. Look good in his arms when both of you are together. Get a new hairstyle now and then, look fashionable and classy and he’ll never want you to leave his arms.

#11 Be financially secure. Be in control of your finances and have a well settled job. Guys love a girl with a steady head on her shoulders. At the same time, they stay a mile away from careless spendthrifts!

#12 Have intelligent conversations. A guy may want an arm candy when he’s on the streets, but he also wants a lover who can communicate with him and have intelligent conversations at the end of the day.

#13 Win over his family. Guys are attached to their families and a few guys are even loyal mama’s boys. Make his family and friends think you’re a catch and he’ll definitely love you more.

#14 Help him deal with life. Men may behave like the saviors of the world. But inside, they’re still little boys who need a cuddle and a hug now and then. Help your man deal with the issues life throws at him.

#15 Public display of affection. Your man may shy away from a bit of PDA, but he still loves it when you cling to his arms like a damsel in distress. It makes him feel more powerful and sexy!

#16 Stroke his ego. If you want to keep your guy interested and happy, learn to stroke his ego. Compliment his achievements and give him a pat on his back when he’s proud of something. Make him feel like a man and he’ll stay your man.

#17 Be independent and dependent. Confused? Be dependent when you’re with him. Be independent when you’re by yourself. It’ll make him feel more like a man when you’re around without really feeling like you’re needy when he’s busy doing something else.

#18 Be happy and interesting. Be interesting and creative with your life. See the happy side in everything, even in the most mundane of days. When you’re an optimist, your infectious happiness will definitely rub on to him.

#19 Don’t make him feel insecure. Flirt with others and talk to men, but never at the cost of his insecurity. When he’s around, hug him close and he’ll swell with affection for you.

#20 Don’t be easily available. Spend time with him, but don’t be ready for him at his beck and call. Be there for him, but make him miss you when you aren’t around.

#21 Be smart and sassy. Don’t ask stupid questions. Guys may like a dumb bimbette at first, but they’re not looking for a long term relationship with them.

#22 Don’t be clingy and needy. Guys like a damsel who needs their help. But that stops once the infatuation period is over. Show him that you’re self reliant and he’ll always look for ways to help you and please you.

#23 Be sexually innovative. Know your moves in bed and everywhere else. Have sex in different places, role play with him, wear an apron and nothing else while cooking something special, tie his hands to the bedpost… You get the drift, don’t you?

#24 Be a good cook. No matter what people say, the adage, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach still holds good.

#25 Learn to think like a guy. Guys and girls don’t always think along the same lines. Learn to think like him and his eyes will well up with happy tears to have the love of a woman so special.

#26 Don’t ever be a pushover. Don’t be the submissive wife. You don’t need to sit at his feet to earn his respect and love. Instead, be opinionated and throw him around when he throws his weight around you.

#27 Whip him when he can’t behave. Treat him like a spoilt child when he doesn’t behave. Ignore his childish behavior or scold him when he behaves like a slob. Be unpredictable and rude when he misbehaves, and he’ll fear you and respect you at the same time.

#28 Make him proud of you. Guys may be shallow at first sight, but they still want a girl they can respect and admire. Be an achiever and a girl he can look up to in awe.

#29 Respect yourself. You’re not a doormat. Let him know that you have the strength to move on if he does something stupid or treats you badly. Always make it look like you’re the biggest prize he’s won. You don’t have to call yourself a prize in front of him, but show it to him by ignoring him or pushing him out of the bedroom when he misbehaves.

#30 Make him dependent on you. As long as he thinks he can’t live without you or if he feels helpless without you, he’ll always stay interested in you.

Pick the traits you can use and you’ll see how easy it can be to keep a guy interested in you. But never let him use you or treat you like a pushover. And don’t think twice about punishing him or putting him in his place when he doesn’t treat you right.

Earn his respect and love. And let him earn yours. Treat him with love and affection, but only if he deserves it. After all, as long as he fears losing a catch like yourself, he’ll never put a toe out of line, would he?

These 30 ways on how to keep a guy interested in you will work perfectly, just as long as you remember that everything in love has to be mutual. Make him treat you right, and show him how special and nice you can be if you choose to!

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