HOW DO YOU RESPOND WHEN YOUR PARTNER QUESTIONS YOUR INTENTIONS?
Do you get angry? Defensive?
One of the big reasons we struggle with
relationship conflict is due to the misunderstanding caused by the intention
vs. impact battle.
In Dr. Gottman’s Love Lab, the research team
asked couples, “What were your intentions when you said…”
Sometimes a partner would say something nice
and the intention was clear.
Other times a partner would criticize their
partner’s character for doing something they didn’t like. Even under those
poorly constructed statements, the intention was their partner would hear it,
take the advice, and make positive changes.
“The intention [of the partner] was always
positive, even when the impact [on their partner] was negative.” – Dr. Gottman
on The Armchair Expert
Recently, my partner and I got into a conflict
about her claiming that I was fibbing to her. I told her I skimmed a group
texting conversation and when I summarized, she felt I was B.S.ing her.
This pissed me off because I knew I skimmed
the text and gathered the jist about the conversation.
The reality is, like you, I know myself by
every thought and experience I have. My partner (and everyone else) knows me
only through my actions, words, and behavior.
So when she mentioned I fibbed, I reacted
defensively. I argued with her over my intent.
The problem is, she was arguing with me about
the negative impact I had on her by what she heard me say.
She started as the speaker and me as the
listener. I had to put my intentions battle to the side, and validate the
impact using non-defensive listening skills. Then we switched roles and I
explained my experience and intent. As the listener, she validated this.
At this point, it became clear that some of
the word choices we used when communicating with each other confused the other
person. The reality was, we were on different pages. Our two brains were in
different frames of mind trying to communicate with each other.
And, like a no brainer, we struggled.
When it comes to conflicts in relationships,
remember two things:
The speaker and listener have an equal responsibility to keep
the conversation constructive and positive, even when expressing difficult
feelings. She could have assumed positive intent and I could have responded to
the longing in her initial statement. This would have prevented the minorconflict from escalating.
When you feel misunderstood remember that you have to do or say
something for others to know how you feel. They can’t read your mind (even if you want them to).
This is why slowing down and using the speaker-listener technique saves so many
couples from the brink of a disastrous conflict. When it’s done well, it gets
the relationship back on track.
P.S. Healthy relationships include two partners who value each other’s well-being and may unintentionally negatively impact each other from time-to-time. This is why healthy conflict resolution skills are vital to creating a secure-functioning relationship.
‘My 6-year-old told his acting teacher his parents were dead and he’s home-schooled.’
A lot of parenting questions boil down to: Is this a thing, or is something wrong? We’re doing an occasional series explaining why certain things seem to happen to your kid (or to your body or to your relationships) as your child grows. This week, we’re talking about why children lie. Read previous “Is this a thing?” newsletters here. If you have a question for a future “Is this a thing?” email us.
Q: My 6-year-old told his acting teacher his parents were dead and he’s home-schooled. All lies. Is this a thing?
— Megan Kilb, Charleston, S.C.
A: First, let me congratulate you on your magnificently creative lil’ liar. But to answer your question, yes: This is regular kid behavior, according to the four psychologists I spoke to for this column. Almost all children in all cultures lie by the age of 7.
Neurotypical children develop the cognitive ability to tell lies in preschool. That’s when they establish something called “theory of mind,” which has come up in previous columns — it’s the concept that other people have thoughts that are separate from your own thoughts. To lie, children also need to develop executive function, said Kang Lee, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, which means they have the ability to hold back the truth, and then tell a lie instead.
However, a child is not lying because he is “morally corrupt and will grow up to be a criminal,” Dr. Lee said. He is probably lying for a concrete reason, and the most common motivations are to get out of trouble, to make himself look better or to make someone else feel good (known as a “pro-social lie”), Dr. Lee said. The only time you should be concerned about a child under 7 lying is if it is clustered with other issues, like oppositional, defiant or aggressive behavior, said Victoria Talwar, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at McGill University in Montreal; if you see lying along with those other behaviors, you should seek professional advice.
So, what should you do if your child tells the occasional whopper?
Don’t overreact. “Responding angrily, or even with shock, isn’t the answer,” said Dunya Poltorak, Ph.D., a pediatric medical psychologist in private practice in Birmingham, Mich. Jumping straight to condemnation or punishment may make your little one lie even more, because he feels guilty — and is afraid of you.
Label the truth. If your child is still in preschool, it’s best to respond to him plainly with the inconsistencies in his story, said Sally Beville Hunter, Ph.D., a clinical assistant professor at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. So for example, if your child is telling you he did not eat that cookie and you see the chocolate ringing his mouth, you can say something like, “Oh, that’s strange, you have chocolate around your mouth. How did that get there? Let’s go to the mirror and look at your face.” You can keep it lighthearted, Dr. Hunter said.
Dr. Hunter cautioned that if your child is particularly anxious in temperament and would melt down at this kind of questioning, you might want to say something like: “I want to know the truth about the cookie, let’s figure this out together.”
Get to the bottom of the lie. As children reach kindergarten age, their verbal abilities increase, Dr. Poltorak said, so you want to explore why they told the lie in the first place. In the case of your child’s gothic story about his dead parents, you should ask him why he said it, and in listening to his explanation, try to pinpoint the motivation behind the lie — he could simply be craving extra attention from his teacher, but you won’t know until you have the conversation.
Once you figure out the reason, work with your child to come up with different responses to his issue that don’t involve lying. Instead of punishing the child, teaching him skills to deal with uncomfortable feelings will do more to prevent lying down the road, Dr. Poltorak said.
Researchers left children alone in a room and told them not to peek at a toy. After the researchers returned, they read the children one of three stories: “Pinocchio,” “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” or “George Washington and the Cherry Tree.” (The control group was read “The Tortoise and the Hare.”) The only story that got children to be honest about peeking at the toy was “George Washington and the Cherry Tree,” wherein George admits to cutting down a cherry tree, and his father forgives him because he tells the truth when confronted. Stories showing that lying makes your nose grow (“Pinocchio”) or leads to being eaten by wolves (“The Boy Who Cried Wolf”) did not motivate truth-telling in the same way.
The moral of this story is that your kid is in the right place — acting class. His natural storytelling ability will serve him well onstage.
HOW TO FIND YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE LOST YOUR WAY
You don’t need to be
middle-aged to have a life crisis anymore. If you feel lost, read on if you
need to know how to find yourself again.
If we’re honest, I’m
only 23. I’ve had far more life crises than I should have at this point. It
seems like on an almost daily basis, something goes wrong that makes me
question everything. So, I know what it means to figure out how to find
I can’t count the
number of times I’ve changed my mind about my career. In high school, I said I
was going to be a teacher. Then in my final year, college applications started
to go out and I completely changed directions. I didn’t even apply to teacher’s
college. I actually applied to an Environmental Science course.
Little secret? I’m
graduating from Public Relations in a couple of months. That’s a bit of a jump,
I suppose. I went down one path in life, and thought it was for me. Then, a
year after graduation, I realized I needed to return to school because things
just didn’t make sense anymore.
I was lost. I needed
to find myself. Maybe you feel the same way now? We all have our moments in
life when things just stop making sense. You need to find yourself, and you may
need to find yourself several times in your lifetime. Find relief in the fact
that this experience will happen to you again and again, but you’ll always find
yourself again in the process.
How to know when
you need to find yourself
Learning how to find
yourself is one of the most challenging parts of life, but one of the more
challenging parts is recognizing when it is necessary.
Feeling “stuck” is a
sign you need a change of pace. Usually this means you strayed from who you
truly are. You need to begin the task of finding yourself.
This could happen
after the death of a loved one or a failed career move, or maybe after a
physical move to a new city. Whatever it is, a big change in our lives often leads
us to feeling lost and insecure.
The feeling is
different for all of us. Once you tune into yourself and recognize that
feeling, you never need to worry about it again. You immediately notice when
you start to stray off your path and begin the journey to find yourself once
How to find yourself
when you feel lost
Trust in the fact that
your true self is still inside of you somewhere. They aren’t gone forever. It
takes some work to find your roots, but rest assured that you will get there.
Repeat this process to
find yourself time and time again but knowing who you are is something very
valuable. Nobody can ever take that away from you. Never fear the process. Each
time you find yourself again, you find new and exciting parts that you didn’t
know existed before.
Life is all about
rediscovering who you are as part of this big, wide world.
#1 Reconnect with your
roots. Go back to square one,
where it all began. That means something different for everybody. For me, it’s
my family. Specifically, my mom. Who or what makes you feel like your truest
form of yourself? This is usually where your values stem from, which, for a lot
of people, means their families as well.
But for others, it
could mean God, nature, an old friend, or in their childhood home. Whatever it
is for you, reconnect with that piece of you.
#2 Reflect on who you
are today. Would
six-year-old you be proud? I know we hear this question a lot, but if you
really sit down and reflect on this question, you may be surprised at the
answers. Life is ever-evolving, and so are we. You will change, and that’s
okay, but your roots should stay the same.
Think about who you
used to be, in the purest state of your life as a child. Were you loud and
confident, but now ashamed and afraid of expressing yourself? Did you use to be
conservative and quiet, and now feel like you need to be obnoxious to be heard?
Always revert back to six-year-old you when finding yourself.
#3 Do you enjoy
spending time with yourself? You spend a lot of time with yourself in your lifetime. In
fact, you are who you will spend the most time with. You
should really consider this fact when you say and do things.
At the end of the day,
can you sit alone in a room with yourself and enjoy the present company? If the
answer is no, it’s time to find yourself, because you’ve lost your way
somewhere along the line. The goal is to enjoy the quiet spaces between
the busyness of life.
#4 Meditate. This is a rather eccentric idea to some,
when it comes to knowing how to find yourself but it works. I’ve really seen
the benefits of meditation, and it really is an excellent tool in the journey
to finding your true self. If you can’t enjoy time spent with yourself, then
nobody else can either.
Learn to appreciate
your own thoughts and find direction through meditation. This is a great way to
make life’s hardest decision seem like a walk in the park. Through meditation,
you clear up the foggiest paths in your life at the present moment.
#5 Invest time in
yourself. You can spend
the rest of your life investing in high-profile businesses, but if you don’t
invest in yourself, you will be the poorest person on earth. Again, you’re
stuck with you, so you really need to make it mean something.
Take 30 minutes at the
end of each day and devote it to yourself. Read a book, write in a journal,
shut off your phone, drink tea, whatever you need to feel like yourself. Allow
yourself to be selfish for 30 minutes each day, because we all know that the
rest of the day is spent taking care of everyone around you. Maybe that’s
exactly why you lost yourself in the first place—you didn’t cherish the person
looking at you in the mirror.
#6 Get outside and
enjoy nature. Some say that
they are at their purest form when they are surrounded by nature. Leave the
phone at home for one day and hit the trails. Bring your dog or a friend with
you. Go for a hike, and bring a picnic with you. Go alone, or with friends, but
regardless, get outside and breathe in the fresh air. It won’t do you any harm,
#7 Read self-improvement
books. I know this is
super 90’s, and seems like a cry for help, but there are countless books that
are genuinely helpful for those who have lost their way.
There is an entire
section at most book stores devoted to understanding how to find yourself.
Clearly, people are buying these books! Don’t be ashamed to buy or read these
books, because they could change your life.
#8 Write it out. Every counselor on the face of the planet
tells you to “write about your feelings.” You probably put on a half-hearted
grin and say “okay.” We both know you will write on the first page of a journal
then leave it on your bedside table untouched for weeks. It’s not a popular
tactic, because talking about our problems isn’t something we like to do.
If you want to truly
understand how to find yourself, dig deeper. Figure out why you are lost
in the first place, and writing is genuinely a wonderful way to do this. Yes,
it’s hard, I’m not going to lie to you. But all things in life worth doing,
aren’t easy things to do.
#9 Unplug. Technology has been a huge obstacle in our
lives, let’s just be honest. Social media is crowded with negative interactions
that literally drain you of your energy. It’s so easy to get lost in the online
world, because we only show the world the parts of us that we genuinely like.
We lose the parts of
ourselves that nobody claps for, but those are still part of us. Each and every
part of us, makes us who we are. We can’t just throw away the parts we don’t
like. Unplug from social media and technology in general for a little while,
and completely immerse yourself in real-life conversations with people who appreciate
every part of you.
#10 Make a change. I know I said that drastic life changes
lead to us feeling lost, but sometimes change is what we need to pull us out of
that state. If you feel like you just go through the motions then chances are
you aren’t living up to your full potential. Change is a good thing, embrace
it. Change might be exactly what you need to find yourself again.
#11 Call your
“person.” Maybe it’s just me,
but when I have a mini life crisis, I call my mom. My mom knows me best, and
that’s great. Also, my mom isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m being a lunatic.
Sometimes, we freak
out for nothing. We think our lives are falling apart before our eyes, when
really things are falling into place. We all have that person that tells us
like it is. Whoever that person is for you, call them and tell them what’s
Before long, they
remind you that you are a strong person who is freaking out over nothing, and
everything is going to be okay. Sometimes we just need to hear that things are
going to be okay.
It’s normal if you
feel lost sometimes, but just remember that it is always possible to learn how
to find yourself and get back to who you really are.
HOW TO GET OUT OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DIGNITY INTACT
Learning how to get out of a toxic relationship and not go back is
one of the best things you can do for yourself. Ending it isn’t as easy as you
If you’re at the point where you know you need to learn how to
get out of a toxic relationship, well, you overcame a huge step. But now, it’s
the time to take action. Get yourself out of the relationship. But like I said
before, it is easier said than done.
So, if you’re feeling stuck at this point, don’t. I have a
couple ways for you to get yourself out of the relationship in a healthy way
and maybe with your dignity intact. You may be leaving a toxic relationship,
but you don’t want to bring that toxicity with you on your way out the door.
How to get out of a toxic relationship
I had a bad string of relationships where I just couldn’t seem
to break the pattern of being with someone who didn’t respect me. Of course, it
wasn’t just them. In essence, I didn’t respect myself because I allowed them to
treat me this way. Now, you’ve probably received advice from people and most of
them say, “just end it.” But is it that simple? Of course, it’s not.
Firstly, people with toxic partners don’t necessarily realize it
until much later on in the relationship. Secondly, when you have feelings for
someone, ending the relationship is hard to do even when you know it’s the
right thing. Doing what’s good for you isn’t always easy. You need to end the
#1 Accept your part in the relationship. It takes two to
tango, right? What I’m trying to say is you need to accept your role in the
relationship. Though you may not have done things that you think were as bad as
your partner, you’re certainly not blameless.
Reflect and think about your behavior. But also make a
commitment to yourself that you won’t let yourself get sucked back into an
#2 Stop making excuses. I know it’s hard to leave a
relationship. Honestly, most of us stay in unhealthy relationships because we
become accustomed to them. Simply, we’re comfortable. But stop making excuses
as to why you’re in the relationship. You need to ask yourself some
questions. Do I want to spend time with x? Do I feel good after
spending time with x? Do I genuinely like x? These are simple yet
important questions to answer yourself.
#3 What are the benefits? Even the shitty
relationships have some benefits. There’s a reason why you’re staying with this
person. Now, you need to figure out what those reasons are before you try
figuring out how to get out of a toxic relationship. Maybe they make you feel
attractive or is a good parent towards your children. There are reasons why we
stay with people who are inherently bad for us. Figure out what those reasons
#4 Fill those benefits. You’re staying with this person for
specific reasons, right? But you do know that they’re not the only person that
can provide you with those benefits. You have the power to give those positive
feelings to yourself. This is where self-reflection and self-love come in. Find
alternative ways to make yourself feel whole.
#5 Stop all contact. Yes, I know, this is going to be
really hard. But you have to do this. If you really want out
of the relationship, then be very strict regarding the contact you have with
your ex. If you have children with them, then you’ll have to have contact, but
keep it at a minimum. If you’re single, well, then just cut them out, and do it
#6 Surround yourself with love. You need to make
sure you’re surrounded by a strong support system that loves you. This will
help you when you’re experiencing hard moments after leaving your toxic
relationship. When you’re surrounded with support, the likelihood of going back
to them reduces. You’re able to start living a healthy life.
#7 Remember your value. Through all of this, remember who you
are and what you’re worth. It’s easy to go back to a toxic relationship when
you forget what you’re worth. To leave a toxic relationship, you need to always
remember what you can offer and who you are.
Of course, you’re going to have moments where you’re going to
miss your ex, but just because you miss them doesn’t mean they were good for
#8 Focus on your emotional states. You’re probably
going through various emotions. One day you’re sad, the other you’re angry.
This is all normal when you’re planning on leaving a relationship. But you need
to be able to recognize the emotion and where it’s coming from. That way, you
understand your feelings in hopes of being able to express them openly.
#9 Express your feelings. You still may be
with your partner or just recently broke up with them. Whatever state your
relationship is in, it’s important to express your feelings. If you avoid
expressing your emotions, they’ll build up and you’ll resent your partner. If
you want to leave the relationship in a positive way, repressing your feelings
won’t help you.
#10 You’re going to go through self-healing. As much as we try
to push these feelings down, many of the adult problems we suffer from are due
to childhood trauma. Now, rid yourself of the shame that we have when leaving a
toxic relationship, dig down deep within yourself.
Look at what brought you to get involved in a toxic relationship.
If you look hard enough, you’ll find the answer.
#11 Forgive your ex. This isn’t for them, this is for you.
If you want to fully move on from your partner and leave the relationship, then
you need to forgive them and their part of the relationship. If you’re holding
feelings of anger, sadness, or regret, then you’re only going to hurt yourself.
In order to completely leave the relationship, you’ll have to let go.
Otherwise, you’ll still mentally be connected to them.Now that you know how to get out of a toxic relationship, what are you
waiting for? It’s time to move onto something healthy and new.
WHAT IS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP? 16 SIGNS TO RECOGNIZE IT AND GET OUT
The person you thought would be your partner is slowly becoming your worst nightmare. It is time to stop wondering what a toxic relationship is and get out.
I would love to say
that I’ve no personal experience to answer the ‘what is a toxic relationship’
question and that all my previous dating experiences have been a walk in the
park. Of course, that would be lying. In reality, I come from a long history of
failed relationships—most of them toxic.
Either the guy was
using me, manipulating or degrading me, or my self-esteem was so low that I
chose to stick around. Those were definitely dark times.
In those moments, it’s
hard to think about what you deserve and how to get it. If anything, you assume
this is the best you’re going to get. That’s really the saddest part. You
16 answers to the
question: What is a toxic relationship?
In my first serious
relationship, I dated someone who you would call a verbally abusive alcoholic.
In the beginning, it was fun, but there were clear warning signs I ignored. And
trust me, there are always signs. The only difference is
whether you’re paying attention to them or not. And this just gets worse if
you’re not sure what a toxic relationship is in the first place.
No matter how much you
love your partner, keep your eyes open for the signs. If not, you run the risk
of losing yourself. Coming back to your normal self isn’t easy. If you’re not
sure what is a toxic relationship or what it looks like, well, here are the
signs to help you figure it out.
Not all relationships
are healthy ones.
aggressive. I think we’re all
guilty of being passive-aggressive at times. It’s not easy talking openly about
your feelings and emotions. But if passive-aggression is their middle name,
it’s time to take a second look at your relationship. Not talking about your
feelings is a sign of immaturity, and can lead down a dangerous road.
#2 Jealousy. A little bit of jealousy isn’t necessarily
bad. Unfortunately, the line is very thin, and people assume excessive jealousy
as a positive trait. If you can’t leave the house without them becoming
jealous, or if they’re searching your phone for an incriminating text or
picture, you’re in trouble.
#3 The blame
game. I’m all too familiar
with the blame game. My ex would give me percentages of how
much I’m to blame versus him. Can you believe it? Natasha, in this
fight, you’re 80% to blame; I’m 20%. If your partner never takes
responsibility for their actions and blames everything on you, that’s toxicity
at its best.
#4 Avoidance. You basically tolerate each other’s presence,
which is pretty messed up considering you’re in a relationship. What will
happen if you get married? You won’t spend time with your spouse? Avoidance is
the first sign that the relationship has run its course.
#5 You don’t feel like
yourself. You can’t make the
jokes you’d normally make or watch TV without feeling like you’re doing
something wrong. And you’re not doing anything wrong; you’re yourself. But if
your partner doesn’t appreciate who you are, they’ll try to change you. And
this is what’s happening.
#6 Arguing. It’s normal for couples to argue. Don’t think
because you argue you’re in a toxic relationship. But there’s a difference
between arguing and communicating and straight-up yelling
without any resolution. If they’re just yelling at you, it’s not going to get
vibes. People underestimate
the power of energy. Every animal on this earth is made up of energy. If you’re
constantly feeling uncomfortable or anxious around your partner, there’s a
reason why. You’re reacting to the energy they’re giving out. Negative energy
emotionally drains you and breaks you down.
#8 You only make them happy. When you’re with your partner, they don’t care
about your happiness. Instead, you spend most of your time trying to please
them. You eat what they want, do what they want; you’re basically their
personal slave. They don’t ask you how your day was or what you’d like
#9 You can’t
grow. When someone grows in
a relationship, that’s a positive thing. You want your partner to grow and
develop, and you want to do the same. If you want more, but your partner likes
things the way they are, well, that’s not good. They’re holding you back from
achieving your life goals because they don’t want to develop.
#10 You don’t feel
like fighting for the relationship. When two people love each other, they’ll go above and beyond to
make things work. They will fight as hard as they can for the relationship. But
with you, you stopped caring a long time ago and so did your partner. You feel
like there’s no point; the relationship isn’t going anywhere.
#11 You’re not
happy. When was the last time
you laughed with your partner? When was the last time you felt really happy
by their side? You’ll know when you’re in a toxic relationship because you
won’t be happy anymore. Something inside of you is telling you to move on for a
#12 The drama never
ends. But really, it never
ends. Every day there’s something wrong in their life, and it’s usually around
something you did wrong, even if you did nothing! They live for the drama
because it distracts them from their own failures.
#13 You never do
anything right. At least in their eyes.
Everything you do comes with criticism and loads of it. At the end of the day,
you feel like a complete failure and unworthy of their love. But that’s not
true. They’re not worthy of your love and affection since they don’t appreciate
#14 You feel like the
worst version of you. When
you’re with someone you love, they usually bring out the best in you. And
that’s when you know you’re with the right person. But if you’re becoming
someone you don’t recognize, you need to think hard about your relationship. Is
this really someone you want to be with?
#15 Your friends and
family don’t like them. Listen, I know you don’t want people to dislike someone you
chose to be with, but sometimes your friends and family are right. If they tell
you that you’ve changed and your partner is toxic, listen. Your friends and
family love you and want the best for you.
#16 They’re stuck in
the past. Instead of thinking
about their future with you, they constantly remind you about the past. “The
good times you had,” runs out of their mouth often, and it makes you wonder if
they’re enjoying the relationship now. But they’re not; they’re stuck in the
After reading the
signs, what do you think? Can you answer what is a toxic relationship? If you
feel that you are in one, it’s time for you to make a change.
5 TIPS TO STRESS-PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
When I was a kid, I was giddy when the holiday season came around. I opened presents, ate candy canes, and snuggled with my dogs near the fireplace.
But as an adult, the holidays come with a fair amount of stress. I found there was less fun and more planning, like how you’re going to visit family, what food you’re going to cook, saving money for gifts, going shopping, and so much more.
It’s not uncommon for couples to feel overwhelmed or disconnected during the holiday season, especially if one or both partners feel triggered by certain events. The added stress can create tension and highlight relationship difficulties during a time when it is important to stay connected and feel loved.
Having a plan and sticking to it is one of the most effective ways to eliminate stress and spend more time having fun and enjoying each other’s company.
Take the Stress out of Holiday Preparations and Decisions
The holiday season can leave a partner feeling unappreciated or resentful for doing all the shopping and cooking, or it can lead to another partner feeling pressured into doing things their partner’s way. But the holidays are a time to come together as a team and create a sense of balance. Try to follow this template toward creating a holiday plan:
1. List out all the chores and responsibilities that require attention. This will give you an objective view for determining who should be in charge of what.
2. Add three columns to the list: one for you, one for your partner, and one for both of you.
3. Read the list together. Talk about each other’s perception of how holiday responsibilities were handled in the past, and discuss how you would like them handled this year.
4. Go through the items that are easy to assign this year and choose who is responsible (you, your partner, or both), check the appropriate task and partner on the list, and set aside the tasks that may need to be talked through for later.
5. For the items you didn’t assign, take the time to ask each other open-ended questions about the task and the difficulties associated with it. Truly listen to what your partner likes and doesn’t like, which is an opportunity to learn something new about your partner and their preferences and concerns.
Then, after both partners feel understood, determine how you’d like to proceed this year, and compromise when needed so that both of you feel comfortable with your plans. You can cover a lot of different kinds of tasks, including cooking and cleaning duties, shopping, travel plans, and holiday traditions that you’d both like to include in your festivities.
Partner A’s List
Partner B’s List
Organizing the grocery list
Call family & see who is bringing what for dinner
The goal here is to find win-win solutions that put your partner’s needs on par with your own. Your partner may agree with you or may suggest something else.
Sometimes you may have to do a task together, but that can be helpful if both of you don’t enjoy something that still needs to get done.
Work together to find a solution for this year that satisfies both of your needs. Then decide who is responsible, assign the task, and note the date that it needs to be completed by.
Now you have a better idea of who does what and when, which should already relieve a great deal of stress.
Dr. John Gottman’s research discovered that a purely equal division of tasks isn’t what matters (keeping score can lead to resentment), but instead that each partner feels like responsibilities are balanced. And, of course, modify plans if necessary. If your partner feels overwhelmed, then see if you can help out by taking on some of their tasks, and remember to support each other.
De-stress with Your Spouse
Throughout the holidays, try to take time to have a Stress-Reducing Conversation, which allows you talk about your stressful feelings and thoughts without actually discussing your marriage or any issues you may have with your partner.
Ask some open-ended questions about how they’re feeling this holiday season, but don’t try to problem solve. Instead, truly listen to your partner’s concerns and express empathy.
If you have this conversation every day this season, it can’t help but make your spirits bright.
Another way to relieve stress is to offer compliments, gratitude, and appreciation to your partner, which can help your partner stay connected to you.
Make an extra effort to notice the small things your partner does such as grocery shopping, wrapping gifts, taking out the trash, or making time for just you, and verbalize your appreciation. Small acts of gratitude will help uplift your spirits.
If you cultivate an attitude of gratitude around your partner and loved ones during the holidays, everyone should feel more comfortable, appreciated, and emotionally satisfied.
Take a few moments this holiday season and plan three little surprises for your spouse. This could be:
A short and sweet love note slipped into their wallet or purse
Filling up a hot bath for them to relax in at after a long stressful day (bonus if you join)
Dance to holiday music in your home
Take Time to Connect with Your Partner
Most importantly, try to schedule some time for just you and your partner to connect. It may be difficult to get away from family and friends during a busy holiday season, but making intentional efforts to spend a few hours or an evening together will help you feel more loved and stress-free.
Sneak off to give each other a quick massage.
Find a mistletoe to passionately kiss under
Give each other personalized gifts before the holiday.
Snuggle while watching a holiday movie
Hold hands while taking an evening walk
If you follow these tips throughout the holiday season, it may bring you closer to feeling that sense of fun, excitement, and wonder that I once felt as a kid. While planning isn’t as fun as decorating and opening gifts, having a solid plan you can rely on enables you and your partner to spend less time stressing and more time enjoying the holiday season.
Relationships often start with plenty of demonstrations of affection and appreciation for one another. There is a sense of “this person gets me and accepts me for who I am”. The infatuation makes you want to attend to even the silliest requests from your partner. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, your partners request feels like demands that can’t be met. You feel confused and hurt that no matter what you do it’s never good enough to please them.
At first you chalk it up to some stress that has been going on in your lives. Soon you realize that your partner is constantly criticizing and blaming you. And things like this happen:
5 Things a Hard to Please Person Does
There is always an “if you just…then I would…” bargaining/ blaming statement happening. The bargaining portion serves the purpose of pretending you have a choice in behavior – you can do this or have the consequences. The blaming serves to keep you responsible for their behavior and entitlement. Their frustration that something isn’t to their liking is usually your fault for not following “the correct steps”. It is a trap that you constantly fall into because you want to “get it right”.
Their expectation can’t ever be achieved. Even when you do what they want the response is that you didn’t do exactly how they wanted, you took too long or you have to do more now. The standards are constantly changing. They might take over the task without letting you try, which causes insecurity and resentment for you.
You feel invalidated in your feelings and needs. If you express disagreement or disappointment you are met with “I didn’t mean it that way, so you shouldn’t feel that way.”
Every argument ends with you giving up and letting them have their way as if it was a game they need to win.
They compare the relationship and/or you to their ideal model. This idealization might come from someone in their lives (parents, former partner) or from beliefs about relationships. In any case you always lose since you’ll never be as good as their vision.
Now that you can safely identify that your partner can’t be pleased you are left with a question: Why? You have been blamed for their dissatisfaction for so long that it is hard to imagine other reasons for such mind games and control. Before you lose all hope of happiness it can be helpful to understand why.
The possible reasons:
High anxiety: Your partner could have a high level of anxiety that is alleviated through taking control of situations and people – especially you. Notice that you are not the only target of their criticism. There is a constant hyper-vigilance about what is going on around them and how they need to make it right. People with high anxiety are very critical of themselves as well as others. The dissatisfaction is due to a high standard that basically no one can achieve for being so idealized. There is a belief that anything and everything can always be better than it is.
“Your partner could have a high level of anxiety that is alleviated through taking control of situations and people – especially you.”
The world is unsafe: Critical people might have learned that the world is unsafe and you must be always on the offense and defense to not get hurt. The critical and controlling behaviors are to keep them with the upper hand in life. In this case you will notice a “winning behavior” – a need to be always right and “win” arguments no matter what.
Resentment: Something might have happened in the relationship that triggered the dissatisfaction. Your partner has resentments towards you that they neither express nor let go. This is a passive-aggressive (though it feels very aggressive to you) way of dealing with conflict that has to be addressed.
Role models: Dysfunctional role models of what a relationship looks like can cause your spouse to not know how else to interact with you. Experiencing negative role models also has a side-effect of leading him or her to try and maintain control of the relationship so they are not hurt like their parents.
Finally, we get to the part that concerns you: What can you do about it? Resolving conflict always takes both partners engaging in the work. You also have responsibility to change the situation.
What you can do about it:
Accept that you have responsibility: You have been reinforcing this behavior by trying to please your spouse at any cost. Every time you give in and do what they want you are sending the message that it is OK to hurt you that way. However, responsibility doesn’t mean blame. It is not your fault that your partner became critical and possibly abusive. Accept that you have been enabling the behavior and use the knowledge to change interactions.
Set reasonable boundaries: It is OK for partners to make requests, but not demands. Set a boundary of what you are willing to work with your partner and how you expect to be asked to attend to their needs. Don’t allow name calling, shaming or invalidation of your feelings. If needed take time out to cool off and re-engage in discussion later.
THE COUPLE’S GUIDE TO FIGHTING BETTER: FOCUS ON THE ISSUE
Love can be a battleground of mistakes, misunderstandings, and conflicts. Oftentimes when we want to discuss a specific conflict with our partners, we also want the floor to discuss EVERY conflict with our partner; every one of their 617 boneheaded mistakes. After all, we are an “expert” analyst of our partner’s behavior and personality disorders.
Meet Jasmine. Jasmine is a full-time employed mother of two. She’s married to Brian, a hard working business owner with 64 employees. Jasmine and Brian strive to be a super couple; the kind of couple that exhausts themselves trying to do it all.
Their childhood upbringing has taught both of them to be overachieving perfectionists who put a lot of pressure on themselves to be “happily married.”
Most of this pressure comes from Jasmine. She wants the best orgasms, a passionate sex life, millions in the bank account, and two adorable and successful kids. All this weight causes a lot of problems with Brian.
In her mind, Brian doesn’t help out with the children or house nearly enough. He doesn’t dedicate enough time to their relationship and he isn’t making enough money. Needless to say, Jasmine’s Love Laws puts Brian in Relationship Jail pretty frequently. As a result, she shames him. She makes him feel inadequate. She treats him this way so much that he has started to spend more time working than he does at home.
For Brian, work is a safe haven from the war at home. As Jasmine starts to realize their relationship is in trouble, she devours books on healthy relationships like a fat kid at a cupcake store. She heard about John Gottman’s famous State of the Union meeting that was created to resolve relationship conflicts. So she schedules a meeting to “talk” with Brian about their current conflicts.
Because she’s so eager to start the meeting, Jasmine takes the lead as the speaker. She tells Brian the role of the listener according to what she can remember: “just listen to me and don’t get defensive.”
Unfortunately Jasmine hits Brian so hard with criticism that his helmet in the football game of love pops right off. This leaves him vulnerable to a siege of attacks from his lover, who brings up every issue under the sun. His lack of help with the children. His lack of effort in keeping the house clean. His routine sexual performance that feels more like clockwork and less like lovemaking.
Hearing all this makes Brian feel inadequate. Something back in his childhood made him sensitive about that feeling. His body floods with negative emotions. Despite trying to do his best to “listen,” he emotionally shuts down to calm his anxiety.
Jasmine notices this and hits him even harder. “You never listen to me.” “What is wrong with you?”
By now, this relationship is on the road to the Hell, whether it be divorce or infidelity. But there are many lessons we can learn from this.
Pick One Issue and Be Specific
Instead of bringing up every issue under the sun, focus on one particular issue and stay on topic. Be detailed. Instead of saying, “you never help out around the house,” say, “It makes me feel abandoned when I feel like it is my responsibility to vacuum the house every week. On top of that, I have other chores I feel like I have to do to keep this house running. Would you be able to vacuum every other week for me?”
Telling someone they make you feel insecure gives them no feedback to change their behavior. However, telling your partner that you feel insecure when they make fun of you in front of your friends will allow them to fix that specific situation.
By focusing on one issue and the specific emotions it causes you (not your partner’s flaws), both of you can come together to fix that specific situation by changing both the meaning of the situation and each other’s behavior.
Avoid Your Partner’s Triggers
Lastly, be aware of your partner’s triggers. No one grows up without emotional scars. These lasting flaws can escalate conflict quickly. Tom Bradbury, a UCLA psychologist, calls these enduring vulnerabilities.
Imagine your partner’s weaknesses are tattooed on their forehead. What might your partner’s weaknesses and insecurities be? When they get blamed, do they immediately become defensive? Do they hate being lectured because it makes them feel inadequate?
Brian’s vulnerabilities of not providing enough make him feel inadequate. It causes him to close off from his relationship and the things he cares about. When his trigger is hit, it’s easier to become numb than to feel the pain of all his past traumas rising in the present.
Your partner’s childhood baggage may be a source of problems in your relationship but it is unrealistic to expect that he or she will fix them immediately. Prodding or insisting them to “change” will only worsen the situation.
What you can do is prevent a particular vulnerability from causing friction by acknowledging it and working around it with compassion. If you know your boyfriend is sensitive about feeling left out, be kind when suggesting that he should stay at home so you can go out with your friends for a girl’s night. You could say something like “I love going out with my friends and you because we always have a good time. But would it be okay if I just went out with them tonight? I’d like to catch up with them on a more intimate level.”
Or maybe your girlfriend is a tad messy, and resents her childhood upbringing of rigid house rules. She may even appreciate a break when it comes to her messy clothes on the chair in the bedroom.
During my own relationship conflicts, I’ve found it helpful to remind myself that my partner is learning to work with my insecurities, just like I am with hers. Love isn’t always a comfortable ride. But having a partner who will drive around your potholes, while still addressing the underlying issues, is a partner you should keep.
God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.” Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink. ─ Genesis 21:17-19 NLT
Encouragement for Single Parents
It’s been called the hardest job on the planet—being a single
parent. Well it can be overwhelming, but being a single parent is more than
just a job. If you’re a single parent
today, you need to know that you have more strength than you realize. You are
going to make it. God is going to supply your need just as He provided for
Hagar and Ishmael in the desert in our scripture for today.
Here are five things successful single parents
Forgiveness – it’s imperative for you to reach the point of
forgiveness. We are to forgive one another just as Christ forgave us.
Unforgiveness hurts you, and often harms your kids.
Goals – start working toward new goals. Consider and pray about
God’s intention for you as a single parent to raise your children His
Friendships – make sure the friends you bring into your life are
healthy relationships. You need people who are going to take you to another
level of growth in different areas of your life.
Boundaries – establish healthy boundaries and enforce them.
Expectations – set realistic expectations and dream new dreams
if the dreams you had before you became a single parent are gone. Be open to
new ideas and a new direction for your life.
As a single mom or dad, you are not stuck. It’s tough, but just
as God opened Hagar’s eyes to see His provision, He will also show you His way.
How do you respond to your strong-willed child? Can you do
So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ─ Galatians 6:9 NLT
Today’s One Thing
Review the list above of the five things single parents think about and choose one area to focus on for this week. Spend time in prayer about it, and then take necessary action steps to move forward in that area.
It’s a dull, subdued sensation when your heart is breaking,
like the muffled sound of a distant gunshot. It doesn’t physically pierce your
skin or tear you to pieces, but the sensation is physically present – the
paralyzing discomfort of realizing that something you took for granted is
leaving for good.
Although it’s hard to accept at first, this is actually a
good sign, having a broken heart. It means you have loved something, you have
tried for something, and you have let life teach you.
Life will attempt to break you down sometimes; nothing and no
one can completely protect you from this reality. Remaining alone and hiding
from the world won’t either, for endless, stagnant solitude will also break you
with unhealthy nostalgia and yearning.
You have to stand back up and put yourself out there again.
Your heart is stronger than you realize. I’ve been there and I’ve seen
heartbreak through to the other side. It takes time, effort and patience.
Deep heartbreak is kind of like being lost in the woods –
every direction leads to nowhere at first. When you are standing in a forest of
darkness, you cannot see any light that could ever lead you home. But if you
wait for the sun to rise again, and listen when someone assures you that they
themselves have stood in that same dark place, and have since moved forward
with their life, oftentimes this will bring the hope that’s needed.
It’s so hard to give you advice when you’ve got a broken
heart, but some words can heal, and this is my attempt to give you hope. You
are stronger than you know!
1. The person you liked or loved in the past, who treated you
like dirt repeatedly, has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you in
the present moment, but more headaches and heartache.
2. When you don’t get what you want, sometimes it’s necessary
preparation, and other times it’s necessary protection. But the time is never
wasted. It’s a step on your journey. Someday you’re going look back on this
time in your life as such an important time of grieving and growing. You will
see that you were in mourning and your heart was breaking, but your life was
3. Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure.
There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to hold on to what’s not meant to
stay. Remember this, and always keep two simple questions in mind: What
opportunities do I have right now? What’s one small, positive step forward I
can take today?
4. One of the hardest lessons to learn: You cannot change
other people. Every interaction, rejection and heartbreaking lesson is an
opportunity to change yourself only. And there is great freedom and piece of
mind to be found in this awareness.
5. It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company.
And when you do decide to give someone a chance, do so because you’re truly
better off with this person. Don’t do it just for the sake of not being alone.
6. Be determined to be positive. Understand that the greater
part of your misery or unhappiness from this point forward is determined not by
your circumstances, but by your attitude.
And of course, if you’re struggling with any of this, know
that you are not alone. Many of us
are right there with you, working hard to feel better, think more clearly, and
get our lives back on track.