By 50 LITTLE THINGS THAT INSTANTLY KILL INTIMACY
Have fun without killing the mood.
By Laurel House
Sex should feel fun, free, real, and raw. But, some feel pressured to act and look in a certain way. Either that or they let their crass and inappropriate side out.
Here are 50 things that instantly kill intimacy:
1. Answer the phone.
You’d be shocked to know how many people do this. I get it might be an “emergency,” or “business,” but take care of this business before you attend to that bedroom business. #priorities.
2. Check a text.
3. Check your watch.
4. Say, “Hurry it up.”
There are nicer ways to get them to finish without killing the mood.
5. Say, “Can we just get this over with?”
You might think it but don’t say it. Instead, say in a sexy way, “How about a quickie?”
6. Blow your nose.
7. Pick your nose.
8. Hock a loogie.
9. Fart intentionally.
10. Burp intentionally.
11. Mention your mom or dad.
While we’re on the subject, you might also want to remove photos of your parents from your nightstand.
12. Mention their same-sex sibling.
You know, the hotter, younger, more successful one.
13. Point out their flaws.
14. Tell them they are doing it “wrong”.
There are ways to get what you want in bed without being critical.
15. Mention your ex.
16. Yawn.
17. Pop their pimple.
I know, sometimes their back, chest, or shoulder acne is begging for you to pop it. Don’t. It will kill the mood. Also, it’s gross.
18. Scream and pump your fist like you just scored a touchdown.
That being said, if your partner does exactly that during orgasm, don’t make fun of them. Putting someone down while they are in their moment of pleasure and ultimate vulnerability runs the risk of emotionally shutting them down. Never edit someone’s expression of orgasmic vulnerability.
19. Call them the wrong name.
Especially when with a new partner, I know it’s easy to revert to the name of your last love. If you can’t remember their name, just call them “baby.”
20. Take a selfie.
I get that you want to document the moment, but you’re with a super hot, interesting, catch of a person. Maybe it’s just the fact you’re with someone (and it’s been a long time). Refrain from succumbing to the sex selfie and instead savor the moment by taking a mental picture.
21. Say, “I love you,” for the first time.
You feel this surge of emotion unlike any you’ve felt in a while. In your orgasmic state, you feel love but don’t say it. Timing is everything, and this isn’t the time.
22. Say, “Let’s make a baby.”
When you’ve never had a conversation about becoming parents before, this is a bad time to bring it up.
23. Mention they are much better than the person you were with last week.
24. Baby talk.
25. Fake an orgasm.
26. Pet your animal.
If your dog or cat is wondering what’s going on in the bed, try to ignore your pup. It’s probably a good idea to take your best friend out of the room.
27. Nothing.
I mean, you don’t move and you don’t moan; you just lay there. This is dead fish syndrome and it’s not sexy. If you want to have good sex, then get into it. Move!
28. Imagine you’re in Cirque du Soleil.
You’re having sex, it’s not a circus act. You don’t need super flexibility, to contort your body into a series of wild positions, or perform. Just do what feels good.
29. Ask if you’re as good as their ex.
There is no one else at this moment but you two. By bringing up their ex, you are appearing super insecure and that is seriously unsexy.
30. Hide your body because you think you “look fat in that position”.
31. Refuse to try a new position because you think it’s unflattering.
Women who are the best in bed let themselves just be themselves, without freaking out about how their body looks or editing positions. Don’t be self-conscious. Just be.
32. Apologize for being so bad.
33. Point out your flaws.
34. Pull a snack out of the bedside table.
You might feel hungry, especially during marathon sex sessions, but sneaking a snack is not appropriate right now.
35. Say, “You know that I’m only sleeping with you because (enter reason here).”
Even if you truly are only sleeping with them because they’re rich, famous, a rebound, or because they said the right thing at the right time, this is not the right time to say that.
36. Tell them your ex was better at that.
If you’re thinking about your ex while having sex, maybe you’re not ready to have sex with someone new.
37. Say, “You really should start working out again.”
38. Say, “Oh crap, I forgot to RSVP to that party tomorrow night.”
Or anything else that shows your mind is elsewhere.
39. Say, “When we finish this, we need to talk about something.”
Well, that just killed the mood.
40. Be silent.
One of the sexiest things you can do while having sex is dirty talk. Or, at least moan. Let them know they’re doing a great job and you feel so good.
41. Say, “Please don’t be so loud this time” right after they say, “I’m going to cum.”
42. Take notes.
If you did something they liked in particular and you want to make sure to remember it for next time, don’t note it at the moment. Take a mental note and write it down later.
43. Tell them they should consider using more deodorant.
Rude.
44. Start laughing.
Unless, of course, they do something that truly tickles you. But, laughing because you’re nervous, insecure, or uncomfortable is not okay.
45. Talk about your post-sex to-do list.
Despite this fact, many women go over it in their minds while mid-sex.
46. Say, “I prefer having sex with you when I’m drunk.”
I have heard some people say the true test to determine if someone is into you is if they show the same excitement when they are sober and drunk.
47. Say, “That Sex and the City” episode was right.
This is some funky-tasting spunk. Yes, I am talking about oral sex. I am sure you have seen the episode. If not, it’s worth watching, but not worth repeating.
48. Say with a sigh, “They don’t call this a job for nothing.”
49. Say, “Hurry up. My boyfriend/girlfriend is coming home soon.”
50. Breakup.
That’s just sad, inappropriate, and inconsiderate. But, it happens. I have heard too many stories about it. If you’re ready to end it and this is your last hurrah, wait for the final goodbye until at least a few days later.
