THE LOVE TANK THEORY: HOW TO MAKE LOVE ACTUALLY LAST
- “Our relationship is emotionally dead.”
- “We never talk anymore.”
- “My partner is distant, and we never have any fun.”
My inbox is full of emails like this.
These couples often ask, “How did we get here?”
Have you ever had that thought about your relationship?
A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP IS IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT TRUST AND COMMITMENT
Love is like Legos. In each passing moment, we are either building a wall between ourselves and our lover or a bridge into each other’s heart.
Each Lego is an interaction between romantic partners. The deciding factor of whether we open or protect our hearts is the quality of trust.
“Without trust, there can be no meaningful connection.” – Brene Brown
Often trust is seen as a big word. A massive Lego that connects two people, allowing them to connect easily. But this is false.
Trust is built brick by brick, an accumulation of small choices made every day.
12 HARD THINGS YOU NEED TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the mind is your ultimate battleground. It’s the space where the greatest and fiercest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never actually happened. It’s where your inner resistance buries you with negativity. And, when you allow these thoughts to dwell in your mind, they gradually succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life. You think yourself right into nervous breakdowns and bouts of depression, time and again.
I know because I’ve been there.
Honestly, we’ve all been there at times.
But, what can we learn from our trials? A whole lot!
5 THINGS MEN SAY TO AN ANGRY WOMAN THAT MAKE HER ANGRIER
Don’t say you were never told.
It can take a lot to get a woman angry but when you do get her angry, it’s wise to carefully think about the next words that will be coming out of your mouth.
Since every woman will respond differently to what their man says when they are angry, maybe learning what not to say can help when in such a situation.
WHY DID BIG WEDDING CEREMONIES BECOME THE WAY TO GO?
In recent years, a typical Nigerian wedding has gone from a relatively intimate experience to something between a carnival and a church revival.
Either by nature or the influence of time and other cultures, it’s fair to say that Nigeria is a marriage-crazed society. Here, everything that is related to the union of man and woman is more significant than you’d expect.
Without a doubt, the most accentuated of all these is the wedding, the act of tying two together as one.
THE PRICE OF PEACE
Many years ago I listened to a preacher share about how his wife would leave the television on at night and sleep off and they lived in a country where you pay based on how long you keep the TV on. Leaving the TV on therefore increases the television bill.
That attitude of his wife would annoy him and he was always angry at his wife for doing that yet it continued. It was obvious it was going to become a strain in the marriage.
Then one day the Holy Spirit asked him, “Is your marriage not worth fifty dollars extra at the end of the month? If this attitude of your wife will mean an extra bill of fifty dollars is it too much to pay for peace to be in your marriage?”
DOES YOUR LOVER ACTUALLY LOVE YOU?
Sometimes we become attracted to people and date individuals who treat us poorly. I once dated a woman who would shame me for acting needy. She would tell me I was crazy, and it made me feel humiliated and worthless. It sucked. But as I pointed out in Attachment Theory Explains Why Your Relationships Suck, our attachment needs cause us to be insecure when they are not met. They cause us to behave in crazy ways, because we’re trying to find security.
Unfortunately, some individuals don’t value our needs. Sometimes they neglect us. If you’re an anxious person, this can cause you to frantically dive into a toxic relationship, unconsciously drowning yourself in a love that can make you hate yourself later on as you invest more and more in the relationships, only to get a little back in return
Getting our needs met in a relationship is complicated. Due to conflicting emotional blueprints, using vulnerable communication doesn’t always immediately solve a problem. But there comes a time in every relationship where you will decide if the woman is actually going to help you get your needs met and make you happy, or if you’re going to have to move on.
MANAGING VS. RESOLVING CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS: THE BLUEPRINTS FOR SUCCESS
Dr. Marni Feuerman
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman’s research proves that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable. These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rub you the wrong way, or long-standing issues around spending and saving money. Their research findings emphasize the idea that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than avoid or attempt to eliminate it.
Trying to solve unsolvable problems is counterproductive, and no couple will ever completely eliminate them. However, discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth. Let’s look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.
Conflict Blueprint #1: Current Conflicts
LOVE AND CONTEMPT
It’s so easy to go from one to the other.
Contempt in love relationships occurs at the end of a long chain of resentment, caused by accumulated perceptions of unfairness. Contempt makes partners seem more like opponents than loved ones. They see their problems resulting not from the way they interact or regulate emotions. Rather, the problem is characterological, they’re immoral, selfish, unstable, or stupid—there’s something wrong with them. Contempt sends people to the Internet to diagnose their partners with various personality disorders. The desire to diagnose a partner typically indicates a level of contempt that, unabated, spells doom for the relationship. It’s hard to be compassionate, kind, and loving to someone you hold in contempt, and it’s equally hard to be compassionate, kind, and loving to someone who holds you in contempt. A relationship in contempt is like a patient on life support. Without heroic intervention, it will die.
How to Know that You Have Contempt for Your Partner
Contempt is present when you use (or at least think) contemptuous attributions such as, lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, crazy, narcissistic, borderline, and so on.