By THE MARRIAGE CHECK-UP QUESTIONNAIRE
Jerry Miller
Around 30 years ago I taught a very large married couple’s class in Sunday school class at Hillcrest Baptist Church in Augusta, GA. We openly discussed everything that related to our spiritual lives, and most often focused on how we, as Christians, were to be Christ-like in our relationship with our spouse.
For a reference of discussion, I devised the following questionnaire and gave a copy to both the husband and the wife. Having a focused question and answer “Marriage Check-up” gave us basis for expressing our personal feelings, and then provided the opportunity to address these issues from the Bible. After all was said and done, the spouses exchanged questionnaires for a realistic understanding of their marital relationship and needs.
The way I suggest you use the test is to ask you and your spouse to look over your answers and grade them in light of what God’s Word tells us Christians should be as a spouse. I then encourage you to examine your expectations of you spouse in the same way. I haven’t had any divorces over the test, yet!
If you don’t know the answers to the questions I submit to you, you are lacking important knowledge and understanding about both your spouse and yourself.
I believe it is extremely important for the husband and the wife to know what each other’s individual needs are. How else can your spouse be expected to meet them if they don’t even know personally what your needs are? It is damaging if both of you never communicate those needs to each other.
The most interesting and surprising things you will learn in answering these questions will be that they open your eyes about your relationship skills, fears, demands, frustrations, and unrealistic ideas. You will probably, if you are honest, learn more about what you can and need to do for your spouse than what you need them to know and do for you.
It is still surprising to me after years of helping married couples that they truly don’t know very much about their spouse. Assumptions made about one another are more the norm than are actual truths.
As you answer each question about your spouse, also ask and answer the same questions about yourself. You will never grow and become a better spouse if you only ask the questions with a finger pointed at your spouse.
#1) Does Your Spouse Make You Feel Needed?
(a) Always___
(b) Most of the time___
(c) Sometimes___
(d) Never___
#2) Does Your Spouse Make You Feel Appreciated?
(a) Always____
(b) Most of the time___
(c) Sometimes____
(d) Never___
#3) Does Your Spouse Make You Feel Loved?
(a) Always___
(b) Most of the time; ____
(c) Sometimes___
(d) Never___
#4) To Show Their Love, Does Your Spouse Regularly:
(a) Say “I love You”____
(b) Buy you gifts___
(c) Take you on a real, personal, romantic date___
(d) Write you love letters___
(e) Others __________(Fill in the blank)
#5) To Show Me I Am Appreciated, My Spouse;
(a) Thanks me for all I do_____
(b) Praises me before others_____
(c) Does nice things for me in return_____
(d) Other_____
#6) Do You Feel Secure In Your Marriage?
Yes___
No___
#7) Are You Afraid Your Spouse Would Leave You If They Could?
(a) Very afraid____
(b) Somewhat afraid___
(c) Not afraid at all___
#8) Why Does Your Spouse Stay With You?
(a) Love___
(b) Christian beliefs___
(c) Sense of duty___
(d) They don’t want to disrupt the lives of your children____
(e) Fear___
(f) They want to dominate you____
#9) Does Your Spouse Ever:
(a) Threaten to leave you___
(b) Threaten to throw you out___
(c) Threaten to have an affair___
(d) Say “I don’t love you”___
(e) Threaten to harm you physically___
#10) Would Your Spouse Try To Make You Jealous:
(a) To prove to you that they are attractive to others? Yes____ No___
(b) To get you to pay some attention to them? Yes___ No___
(c) To punish you? Yes___ No___
#11) Do You Trust Your Spouse To Be Sexually Faithful?
(a) Not at all___
(b) Only distrust him or her around a particular person____
(c) Have occasional doubts, but have no real foundation for them___
(d) Completely trust him or her____
#12) How Satisfying Is Your Intimate Relationship With Your Spouse?
(a) It’s great___
(b) It’s ok___
(c) It could be better___
(d) I’m never satisfied___
(e) I’m never Interested___
#13) How Satisfying Is Your Relationship To Your Spouse?
(a) He or she has told me it is very satisfying___
(b) He or she is constantly complaining it is not satisfying___
(c) The topic is off limits between us for discussion____
#14) What Would, In Your Mind, Make Your Intimate Relationship More Enjoyable?
(a) For me to be shown love at time other than just in the bedroom___
(b) For my spouse to be more interested in my other needs____
(c) For us to be able to find the right time____
(d) We don’t have any problems___
#15) Do You Tell Your Spouse That They Are:
(a) Ugly___
(b) Repulsive to look at___
(c) Weak___
(d) Dumb or stupid___
(e) Untrustworthy____
#16) Do You Regularly Tell Your Spouse That They Are:
(a) Beautiful or handsome____
(b) Sexy___
(c) Inwardly Strong___
(d) Smart____
(e) Valuable___
(f) A good and loyal friend____
#17) Do You Feel That You Can Talk Comfortably With Your Spouse About Your Personal dreams, mistakes, needs, and desires?
(a) Yes___
(b) No___
(c) You Never know from one minute to the next___
#18) Can You Tell Your Spouse About The Things He Or She Does That Bother, Annoy, Or Upset You?
(a) Yes, but they get hurt and pout for days___
(b) Yes, but we usually end up in a fight___
(c) Yes, my spouse really wants to know so he or she can improve___
(d) No, my spouse absolutely doesn’t want to hear anything from me about the annoying things they do that bother me. They always consider any such comments as an insult_____
#19) When You And Your Spouse Argue, Does It Ever Turn Violent?
(a) Yes, almost always verbally, but never physically____
(b) Sometimes one or both of us become physically abusive___
(c) Our arguments or disagreements never become violent____
#20) What Do You And Your Spouse Most Frequently Disagree About?
(a) Money___
(b) Children or grandchildren___
(c) Relationships with extended family members_____
(d) Spiritual issues___
(e) Individual responsibilities___
(f) We rarely have any serious disagreements_____
#21) How Would You Describe Your Personal Spiritual Life?
(a) I am a deeply devoted Christian___
(b) I am growing, learning, and excited about following Jesus_____
(c) I am not as devoted to Christ as I should and could be____
(d) I feel very far away from the Lord___
(e) I am burned out on church and all things related to it___
(f) I am about ready to give up on Christianity_____
#22) How Would You Describe Your Spouse’s Spiritual Life?
(a) A deeply devoted Christian____
(b) Sincerely trying___
(c) Very excited and thrilled____
(d) Burned out and ready to quit____
(e) A hypocrite______
#23) Do You And You Spouse Agree In Your Religious Beliefs?
(a) We believe almost exactly the same___
(b) We agree on all the major doctrines____
(e) We have very different beliefs_____
#24) If Your Marriage Was In Serious Trouble, Would You Consider Going To A Marriage Counselor?
(a) No, I would not want anyone knowing my personal business_____
(b) Yes, but I wouldn’t know whom to turn to____
(c) No, I’m afraid I would not like what the counselor had to say_____
(d) Yes, but my spouse would never agree to go_____
(e) No, but my spouse wants us to go____
( f ) No, I don’t need counseling, but my spouse sure does_____
I sincerely pray it will be helpful to couples, and to those who minister to
THE MARRIAGE CHECK-UP QUESTIONNAIRE
Jerry Miller
Around 30 years ago I taught a very large married couple’s class in Sunday school class at Hillcrest Baptist Church in Augusta, GA. We openly discussed everything that related to our spiritual lives, and most often focused on how we, as Christians, were to be Christ-like in our relationship with our spouse.
For a reference of discussion, I devised the following questionnaire and gave a copy to both the husband and the wife. Having a focused question and answer “Marriage Check-up” gave us basis for expressing our personal feelings, and then provided the opportunity to address these issues from the Bible. After all was said and done, the spouses exchanged questionnaires for a realistic understanding of their marital relationship and needs.
The way I suggest you use the test is to ask you and your spouse to look over your answers and grade them in light of what God’s Word tells us Christians should be as a spouse. I then encourage you to examine your expectations of you spouse in the same way. I haven’t had any divorces over the test, yet!
If you don’t know the answers to the questions I submit to you, you are lacking important knowledge and understanding about both your spouse and yourself.
I believe it is extremely important for the husband and the wife to know what each other’s individual needs are. How else can your spouse be expected to meet them if they don’t even know personally what your needs are? It is damaging if both of you never communicate those needs to each other.
The most interesting and surprising things you will learn in answering these questions will be that they open your eyes about your relationship skills, fears, demands, frustrations, and unrealistic ideas. You will probably, if you are honest, learn more about what you can and need to do for your spouse than what you need them to know and do for you.
It is still surprising to me after years of helping married couples that they truly don’t know very much about their spouse. Assumptions made about one another are more the norm than are actual truths.
As you answer each question about your spouse, also ask and answer the same questions about yourself. You will never grow and become a better spouse if you only ask the questions with a finger pointed at your spouse.
#1) Does Your Spouse Make You Feel Needed?
(a) Always___
(b) Most of the time___
(c) Sometimes___
(d) Never___
#2) Does Your Spouse Make You Feel Appreciated?
(a) Always____
(b) Most of the time___
(c) Sometimes____
(d) Never___
#3) Does Your Spouse Make You Feel Loved?
(a) Always___
(b) Most of the time; ____
(c) Sometimes___
(d) Never___
#4) To Show Their Love, Does Your Spouse Regularly:
(a) Say “I love You”____
(b) Buy you gifts___
(c) Take you on a real, personal, romantic date___
(d) Write you love letters___
(e) Others __________(Fill in the blank)
#5) To Show Me I Am Appreciated, My Spouse;
(a) Thanks me for all I do_____
(b) Praises me before others_____
(c) Does nice things for me in return_____
(d) Other_____
#6) Do You Feel Secure In Your Marriage?
Yes___
No___
#7) Are You Afraid Your Spouse Would Leave You If They Could?
(a) Very afraid____
(b) Somewhat afraid___
(c) Not afraid at all___
#8) Why Does Your Spouse Stay With You?
(a) Love___
(b) Christian beliefs___
(c) Sense of duty___
(d) They don’t want to disrupt the lives of your children____
(e) Fear___
(f) They want to dominate you____
#9) Does Your Spouse Ever:
(a) Threaten to leave you___
(b) Threaten to throw you out___
(c) Threaten to have an affair___
(d) Say “I don’t love you”___
(e) Threaten to harm you physically___
#10) Would Your Spouse Try To Make You Jealous:
(a) To prove to you that they are attractive to others? Yes____ No___
(b) To get you to pay some attention to them? Yes___ No___
(c) To punish you? Yes___ No___
#11) Do You Trust Your Spouse To Be Sexually Faithful?
(a) Not at all___
(b) Only distrust him or her around a particular person____
(c) Have occasional doubts, but have no real foundation for them___
(d) Completely trust him or her____
#12) How Satisfying Is Your Intimate Relationship With Your Spouse?
(a) It’s great___
(b) It’s ok___
(c) It could be better___
(d) I’m never satisfied___
(e) I’m never Interested___
#13) How Satisfying Is Your Relationship To Your Spouse?
(a) He or she has told me it is very satisfying___
(b) He or she is constantly complaining it is not satisfying___
(c) The topic is off limits between us for discussion____
#14) What Would, In Your Mind, Make Your Intimate Relationship More Enjoyable?
(a) For me to be shown love at time other than just in the bedroom___
(b) For my spouse to be more interested in my other needs____
(c) For us to be able to find the right time____
(d) We don’t have any problems___
#15) Do You Tell Your Spouse That They Are:
(a) Ugly___
(b) Repulsive to look at___
(c) Weak___
(d) Dumb or stupid___
(e) Untrustworthy____
#16) Do You Regularly Tell Your Spouse That They Are:
(a) Beautiful or handsome____
(b) Sexy___
(c) Inwardly Strong___
(d) Smart____
(e) Valuable___
(f) A good and loyal friend____
#17) Do You Feel That You Can Talk Comfortably With Your Spouse About Your Personal dreams, mistakes, needs, and desires?
(a) Yes___
(b) No___
(c) You Never know from one minute to the next___
#18) Can You Tell Your Spouse About The Things He Or She Does That Bother, Annoy, Or Upset You?
(a) Yes, but they get hurt and pout for days___
(b) Yes, but we usually end up in a fight___
(c) Yes, my spouse really wants to know so he or she can improve___
(d) No, my spouse absolutely doesn’t want to hear anything from me about the annoying things they do that bother me. They always consider any such comments as an insult_____
#19) When You And Your Spouse Argue, Does It Ever Turn Violent?
(a) Yes, almost always verbally, but never physically____
(b) Sometimes one or both of us become physically abusive___
(c) Our arguments or disagreements never become violent____
#20) What Do You And Your Spouse Most Frequently Disagree About?
(a) Money___
(b) Children or grandchildren___
(c) Relationships with extended family members_____
(d) Spiritual issues___
(e) Individual responsibilities___
(f) We rarely have any serious disagreements_____
#21) How Would You Describe Your Personal Spiritual Life?
(a) I am a deeply devoted Christian___
(b) I am growing, learning, and excited about following Jesus_____
(c) I am not as devoted to Christ as I should and could be____
(d) I feel very far away from the Lord___
(e) I am burned out on church and all things related to it___
(f) I am about ready to give up on Christianity_____
#22) How Would You Describe Your Spouse’s Spiritual Life?
(a) A deeply devoted Christian____
(b) Sincerely trying___
(c) Very excited and thrilled____
(d) Burned out and ready to quit____
(e) A hypocrite______
#23) Do You And You Spouse Agree In Your Religious Beliefs?
(a) We believe almost exactly the same___
(b) We agree on all the major doctrines____
(e) We have very different beliefs_____
#24) If Your Marriage Was In Serious Trouble, Would You Consider Going To A Marriage Counselor?
(a) No, I would not want anyone knowing my personal business_____
(b) Yes, but I wouldn’t know whom to turn to____
(c) No, I’m afraid I would not like what the counselor had to say_____
(d) Yes, but my spouse would never agree to go_____
(e) No, but my spouse wants us to go____
( f ) No, I don’t need counseling, but my spouse sure does_____
I sincerely pray it will be helpful to couples, and to those who minister to
