By RESOLVING PARENT BURNOUT
By Richard (Dick) Innes
“I have reached screaming point,” Julie said. “I have three small children that are driving me crazy. I get so frustrated and angry that I’m scared I might hurt one of them. I need help.”
“I’m tired most of the time,” said Ron, a father of twins. “When Karen had to go back to work to help with family finances, I had to accept more of the work around the home. By the time we both get home from a busy day at work, take care of the children and household chores, we’re both so weary we collapse into bed. We wake up tired the next morning, and it’s the same thing all over again. We have no time for each other, and our marriage is suffering.
Julie, Ron and Karen were all experiencing parent burnout, which is not uncommon in today’s pressure-cooker society.
Exhaustion, frustration, and anger are typical symptoms. Others include a feeling of working harder for the family but enjoying it less—of feeling overworked and underappreciated—resulting in apathy, resentment, and increased arguments between you and your spouse, or becoming physically ill. “In the more advanced cases of burnout,” writes Debra Bruce, “the weary, confused adult simply quits caring—leaving the child basically to rear himself.”
When parents experience prolonged burnout, the children also suffer. Some will become irritable, restless, touchy, and argumentative. Others will internalize their frustration, thereby setting themselves up for later problems.
Single parents are particularly susceptible to burnout, but so are married parents. Small children need constant attention. They are a twenty-four-hour-a-day, seven-days-a-week responsibility. Years ago, in the days of the more extended family, there was more help from other family members, but in our day of the nuclear family, there is often little or no help from outside family members.
“Exhaustion, frustration, and
anger are typical symptoms.”
If you are a parent, here are some suggestions to help you resolve, or better still, prevent, burnout.
- Ration your time. Learn to set priorities and say no to the less important demands on your time. Do only those household and other tasks that are essential, and forget the rest.
- Take time for yourself. Some parents feel guilty when they relax and take time to meet their own needs. Arrange for a day off every week anyhow, or at least a half-day, just to do what you want. Be sure to include time for a hobby or play.
- Meet your own physical needs. A well-balanced diet is essential for averting and overcoming the effects of burnout as is regular aerobic type exercise. Proper rest is also imperative. Even Jesus, the Master Healer, said to his disciples, “Come apart and rest awhile.” Or as somebody else put it, “Come apart and rest awhile before you come apart.”
- Set realistic goals. Without clearly defined goals it is easy to run every which way at once, and thereby dissipate your limited energy and run yourself ragged. Avoid the temptation to seek to fulfill your unfulfilled dreams through your children. Encourage them to do and be their best, but don’t put unrealistic demands on them. Let them know they are loved and appreciated even if they can’t hit a ball or don’t get the highest grades in their classes. Treat yourself the same way.
Furthermore, realize your limitations and don’t over-commit yourself to causes outside the home. Clearly defined goals can guide you in knowing what responsibilities to accept and what to say no to.
- Use babysitters. If you are married, it is imperative that you set regular time aside to spend with your spouse. Use a babysitter so you can go out on a date with your wife or husband at least once a week. Do something you both enjoy where you get away from pressures, relax and have a good time together. If you are single, be sure to take care of your social needs, too.
- Verbalize your feelings. Emotions are a part of life. When under pressure, it is normal to feel hurt, angry, guilty and so on. One of the worst things we can do is to deny or bottle up these feelings. It’s not the pressures we are under that lead to burnout nearly as much as how we react to these pressures and how we handle our emotional responses. If we don’t find a way to express our pent-up feelings in healthy ways, we can be certain we will act them out in unhealthy ways. Find a trusted friend besides your spouse or partner, with whom you can share all your feelings without being judged or told you shouldn’t feel that way. Write your feelings out as well. If necessary, talk to your minister or see a counselor. Repressing your feelings is one of the most destructive things you can do.
- Join a support group with people who are facing similar pressures, and where you can share without fear of criticism or being given unwanted advice. Without meaningful relationships and a sense of belonging to other adults, one can get into emotional deep water very quickly.
“It’s not the pressures we are under
that lead to burnout nearly as much as
how we react to these pressures and how
we handle our emotional responses.” - Seek outside help. If you don’t have other family members to help with your load, don’t be averse to paying for outside help, especially if both husband and wife are working. If you’re like me, you probably hate to pay somebody else for doing what you can do for yourself. However, I’ve had to give up the false notion that I can do everything myself. I’m neither a super dad or a superman, so there are some tasks I now pay others to do.
- Resolve personal issues. Parents who haven’t resolved their codependency, perfectionism, false guilt, and other personal issues, drive themselves into burnout. The codependent is driven by his or her need to fix and meet everybody else’s problems and needs. Nothing is ever good enough for the perfectionist, so he drives himself and those around him into despair. Unresolved personal issues are probably the greatest cause of burnout. Professional counseling may be needed to resolve them.
- Share the workload. In homes where both husband and wife work, it is important that both share the workload equally in the home and in the nurturing of the children. Don’t settle for anything less.
- Take time to meet spiritual needs. Read the Bible and other inspirational material, and take time to meditate and pray EVERY DAY. Write out your feelings and share them with God. Ask him to give you the wisdom you need to meet the demands of the day. And find a church where you can experience meaningful worship and recharge your spiritual batteries every week.
Taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs will give you the strength to carry on and the inspiration needed to help you avoid or resolve parent burnout.
