By PORN ADDICTION: LEARNING THE TRUTH ABOUT PORN
By Guy Stuff
Introduction
Porn addiction is one of those subjects no one wants to talk about. The terms porn and pornography have a lot of negative connotations associated with them so they’re usually avoided.
Many people believe that a porn addict is some creepy, anti-social man who stares at young girls and women, hangs out at strip clubs, and spends the rest of his free time in a dark room on his computer.
Unlike other addictions, such as alcohol or opioid, porn addiction isn’t widely understood as a problem and doesn’t elicit much empathy. This isn’t so surprising though given the negative perceptions of pornography. Yet porn has actually become more and more mainstream and increasingly socially acceptable in recent years. For people who are dealing with the negative effects of porn though – those addicted and their partners – it’s very confusing and contradictory.
Generally speaking, pornography is losing its stigma. Yet the number of people who reach out to us every day for help makes it clear that porn causes big, big problems.
Porn is a subject that people may laugh or joke about, trying to seem open and easy-going, but many times, internally, they feel uncomfortable, guilty, or both. It’s the dirty little secret that no one wants to admit enjoying or having a problem with.
This leaves anyone struggling with a porn addiction in a tough predicament.
- Do you admit you have a problem you’re embarrassed and ashamed of and risk the repulsion and rejection of those who are close to you?
- Or do you believe the messages in the media that say there’s nothing wrong with watching porn?
This article is written to help you answer those questions along with the many more you likely have about porn addiction. At Guy Stuff we have nearly 20 years of experience treating addiction to porn – which requires specific expertise and a unique approach to be successful. In the sections that follow you’ll find real-life examples of guys who’ve struggled with porn and overcome the addiction. You’ll also read stories of the challenges faced by the partners of these men, gain a deeper understanding of what a pornography addiction really is, and get answers to the most common questions we get asked by both men and women.
Read this article and you’ll learn the truth about porn and what happens when watching porn becomes an addiction.
Real Stories
Jim
Like most men, Jim had looked at porn before. There were times when he’d get pulled into it for a while and then others when he was too preoccupied with the rest of his life.
According to Jim, it had been a while since he’d last looked at porn and he was curious as to what was new out there. So when he did a search online for porn he was surprised by how easy it was and how much he found.
Each click on an image took him to another and another and another – each more exciting than the last. Before he knew it hours had gone by.
Like many men, Jim, got lured in by the seduction and availability of porn. He considers himself a normal guy with a pretty normal life, but out of nowhere, he’s found himself with a porn problem.
The more he looks, the more he wants to see. It’s available any time and he can find any variation of sexual fantasy he wants – and with no objection, questions or judgment.
Now Jim thinks about porn all of the time. He finds ways to watch it any chance he can get, and it’s starting to take a toll on his marriage and overall life. He’s got a porn addiction but doesn’t know it.
Lisa
Jim’s wife, Lisa, had noticed some changes in him. He had become secretive, especially with his phone and laptop, and withdrawn from her. He was spending more time alone in his office and would come to bed later and later. And their relationship had become strained, especially their sex life. She wasn’t sure if it was just the stress of his job or something more.
Lisa knew Jim had watched porn in the past, she had seen it on his laptop. She even caught him watching it once when he didn’t realize she had come home.
But when she asked him about it he just said there was nothing to worry about and changed the subject.
The distance between them made Lisa feel hurt and alone.
Those old worries quickly returned as she thought about Jim possibly being more interested in the women on the screen than in her, and when they were together she wondered if he was fantasizing about them.
She became even more self-conscious about her body and insecure about being intimate with him, so she pulled away too and this multiplied the distance between them in other areas of their relationship. After a while, it seemed like they were barely speaking.
Without realizing it, Jim had created a major problem in their relationship. Secrets, lies, and unrealistic expectations had made things with Lisa really uncomfortable and neither one of them was happy.
Definitions
What Is Porn?
Porn is defined as any material that is sexual in nature and is produced or used with the intent to sexually arouse. While the porn label used to only apply to magazines like Playboy and Penthouse, or hard-to-find porno videos, it encompasses so much more in today’s world.
Even though pornography has existed in different forms for most of human history, it’s never been as accessible or as explicit as it is today. Anyone with a smartphone now has access to view, or even make, porn. It can be viewed anywhere – at work, school, on the subway, or basically anywhere the urge strikes. The average age for first exposure to porn is now 11-years-old, and many teenagers (even pre-teens) engage in sending pornographic images and pics to one another through the common practice of “sexting.”
Porn used to be categorized as either softcore and hardcore to delineate how graphic the sexual content was. While these descriptions do still apply, porn has become so mainstream that these labels are rarely used anymore. Porn is everywhere – on social media, in mainstream movies, and it’s joked about in network television shows.
A Gallup poll in 2018 found that 43% of Americans find porn morally acceptable. This is up 7% in one year; from 36% who approved in 2017.
There are very few societal barriers anymore to watching porn, which makes it seem like it’s an okay and harmless thing to do. But that’s simply not the case.
Despite the cultural messages normalizing, even glamorizing porn, it still has a negative impact on those who view it and the people around them. With porn’s drug-like pull and easy accessibility, it’s no wonder that so many men (and more and more women too) have developed a porn addiction.
What Is Pornography Addiction?
Pornography addiction can be a very confusing term.
Many women think that any man who watches porn is addicted to it. And men who watch it regularly believe they can stop any time and that it hasn’t negatively affected them. Neither one of those beliefs are true.
So what’s the truth about porn addiction?
The truth is that pornography addiction is actually less common than women believe and more frequent than men want to accept.
Men by design are visually stimulated, and therefore easily attracted to the visual nature of porn, but this doesn’t mean that all men who’ve looked at porn online have a porn addiction. Being drawn to sexual imagery is normal. However, in order for porn viewing to become an addiction there are other criteria that must be considered.
Most of us like and enjoy sex, or at least understand the appeal of sexual gratification. Online porn makes getting that enjoyment anytime you want easily and anonymously. Thus porn viewing can quickly become habitual and cross the line into an addiction to porn. It’s a very slippery slope.
Men are the primary consumers of porn. And since women often view sex differently and are typically less aroused by visual stimuli, most find it difficult to see the appeal of porn for men. The range of emotions and reactions from women when they realize the man the care about watches porn can vary. They may feel repulsed, confused, angry, threatened, or take it to mean that something about themselves isn’t good enough. Or they may believe it’s just what guys do and there’s nothing wrong with it.
Porn may not be a drug, but it has the same effects and can be equally as addictive. It’s so easy to find with a simple click or swipe, often we don’t even have to seek it out as you can just stumble upon it, and looking seems harmless. Yet viewing porn has the same effects on the brain as drugs like alcohol or cocaine. And it can be just as destructive too.
For most men, the struggle with sexual temptation is very real. Combine that with the availability of more than 2.3 billion porn pages on the Internet (as of 2017) – in 2010 there were only 500 million, (read more Pornography Statistics), along with sexual messages that are nearly everywhere in our culture, and it’s no wonder we have a world where a lot of men wrestle with a porn addiction. And where there are well-defined pathways for dealing with other addictions, like alcohol or drugs, pornography addiction treatment can be confusing and embarrassing, and therefore usually never properly addressed. This leads to many problems, especially in forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
Nearly all men are embarrassed and ashamed about their desire to look at porn. As a result, they usually watch porn in secret, and will be deceitful and hide it. When caught they’ll deny it, lie about it, rationalize it, make excuses and blame it on someone or something else.
Pornography addiction is a serious problem, causing significant damage to men and women, and yet for the most part isn’t recognized as the cancer that it is.
