NO SEX IN MARRIAGE? HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
By Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
A common complaint I hear in counseling men is that there’s no sex in marriage. If you’re one of those guys who have a marriage without sex, I’ve got some good news. Women complain about no sex in marriage too. Check out “My Husband Won’t Have Sex with Me” for one example.
It may be surprising to learn that more wives than not want to have sex with their husbands. That certainly goes against what many of the guys I work with believe regarding their marriages, especially the ones who say they have no sex in their marriage. It’s true though.
Women Want Sex In Their Marriage Too
It may be really hard for some men to believe, but most women enjoy and want sex as much as they do. They just want more than a quick, physical interaction. It’s a myth that women don’t like sex, or that after marriage and kids they’re no longer interested. The truth is that it’s easy for both partners to get lazy and forget that sex is about more than just the act. Women in particular are looking for more to the experience than just the physical, and can become disinterested when it’s a matter of just sex with very little emotional connection. Of course, they also play a role in that as well.
More proof can be found at iVillage, an online community for women, in their 2012 Married Sex Survey; a poll of the sex lives of 1,001 wives ages 18-49. The results will be shocking if you’re in a marriage with no intimacy.
Here’s the REALLY GOOD NEWS for men:
- 75% of wives say sex is ‘very important’ to them; only 5% said it wasn’t
- More than one-third of the wives were in the mood to have sex with their husbands yesterday or today; 62% have been in the mood in the past week, and 71% in the last month.
- More than a third of the women say nothing is more important than sex with their husband; it’s more important than a movie, getting a massage, or going to the spa.
- Stress and exhaustion are the biggest sex drive killers for wives; ironically, the aspect least affecting desire is attraction to their husbands.
How To Get More Sex Into Your Marriage
So what is a man to do when he feels trapped in a marriage with no sex? Well, to begin with, talking and connecting with his wife is a good start. Before you can start complaining about the lack of sex in your marriage you really need to give some thought to whether the effort you’re making is right and enough. Understanding what your wife wants and how she feels about your sex life is key. She bears responsibility here too though – a happy and healthy sex life is a two-way street.
In addition, there are some specific things that women commonly respond to when it comes to generating interest in sex.
What helps to get women in the mood for sex? Here are some of the key components that women have cited.
- 67% said when they’re feeling love toward him.
- 44% of wives are turned on when their husband says something nice to them.
- When your spouse says sexy things was third.
- Having feelings of gratitude was fourth.
What can husbands do with this info if they’re in a marriage without sex? Communicating with her and creating a more intimate and personal connection is the biggest and most beneficial thing they can do. Below are three specific actions you can begin to do right now that will help get her in the mood.
- Start looking for something nice to say to your wife. Make it a goal to say something nice to her once a day for the next week; guard against being negative towards her too.
- Find something to compliment about how she looks — hairstyle, clothing, something about her physical appearance.
- Do something to help her out each day for a week. Such as doing the dishes for her or going to the grocery store if that’s her chore.
No sex in marriage is no fun and not particularly healthy. Now we know that’s true for both husbands and wives. The best news of all is that you can do something to change a marriage with no intimacy.
Stop right now and think of one thing you can do from the above list that wives say they want. Guys, let’s stop complaining about no sex in marriage and start doing something about it.