My Husband Doesn’t Love Me – 5 Things You Can Do About It

My Husband Doesn’t Love Me – 5 Things You Can Do About It


By Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Part 1 of 2

If you’re feeling that your husband doesn’t love you anymore, you may be right. A lot of husbands, and wives, are not “in love” with their partners any longer. However, most men have told me that this doesn’t mean they don’t love their wives, they’re just not “in love” with them.

A husband told me last week in my counseling with men that he loves his wife “as a mom, but not as a wife.” Clearly, this isn’t the way that a woman, or man, wants to be loved. We all want our partners to love us in that passionate, romantic way that our relationships began. Unfortunately, those feelings can change over time, and without attention fade altogether.

So what can you do to get your husband to love you again? Here are a few suggestions.

  • UNCONDITIONAL. Loving someone unconditionally sounds easy, but it’s not. Unconditional love takes effort, patience and understanding. So make your love of your husband unconditional. In particular, don’t make it dependent upon his loving you. The problem with making your love for him dependent on his love for you is that he can do the same. This creates a vicious cycle in which neither of you change and therefore no progress is made. Feeling unloved can also make us resentful and angry. This can have the negative effect of making us less attractive, which contributes to our partners loving us even less. It also causes us to make our loving our partners more difficult by making it conditional on them loving us first. (Note – unconditional love doesn’t mean accepting abuse. If your partner inflicts emotional abuseverbal abuse or physical abuse on you, this is unacceptable and you should seek assistance in making the needed changes.)
  • RESPECT. This is a core need for men and the cornerstone of all healthy relationships, not just romantic ones. Practicing respect towards each other allows you to have productive conversations and work together on the issues you face. A lack of respect will degrade a relationship quickly. Men especially place a premium on respect. When men don’t feel respected, they don’t feel loved. Like all of us, when we don’t feel loved by someone, it’s harder for us to love them back. Look for ways that you can show your husband respect. Such as asking for his input on a decision, including him in what’s going on with the kids, or letting him handle things he’s good at.

It’s important to remember that love can change over time. The “in love” feeling may come and go as you move through different stages of your relationship and phases of life. In a healthy relationship the “in love” passion will eventually become combined with a feeling of mutual affection, respect and appreciation – these are components of “love” that weather kids, life and finances. These feelings are sustainable and create a bond on which a relationship can continue to build. The swept-away feeling of being “in love” will hopefully return at different points as the two of you find opportunities to focus on one another.

Without making an effort and working to keep your relationship healthy, that “in-love” feeling is in danger of being lost for good. It’s in these cases that husbands and wives can find themselves falling out of love altogether. Take a look at this article about another wife who feels that her husband doesn’t love her How to Save My Marriage – When My Husband Doesn’t Love Me Anymore.

This is the first article of two on 5 things you can do when you feel my husband doesn’t love me anymore. The three remaining tips will be published in Part 2 – My Husband Doesn’t Love Me Anymore –Things To Do To Change That.


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