LEARN HOW TO MAKE HIM WANT YOU
By Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Most advice on how to make him want you is going to focus on your appearance and sexuality. Lose weight, get a breast enlargement or false eyelashes, be willing to have more sex. But the reason, or more likely reasons, he doesn’t want you are usually much more complicated.
Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of using sex as a way to measure the status of their relationship. When their partner loses interest in sex they take that to mean they’ve lost interest in them. As a result, it’s easy to think that how you make him want you is all about how you look.
It’s actually not.
What Not Wanting You Can Look Like
We have been together for about six years and I feel he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. I have given birth to four children so I know my body doesn’t look like it used to but I have gained about 25 pounds and I now weight 150 so I know I’m pretty big. We had a baby about six months ago and have had sex once. He tells me that married couples don’t have sex very much but I think that’s his excuse because he isn’t attracted to me. I have caught him so many times looking at pretty girls and then when I see him do it and say something he pretends he didn’t even see her walk past so now I don’t even say anything but it makes me feel like I’m not good enough for him. It’s got as bad as me changing in the bathroom with the door closed so he can’t see me.” -Brittany
While wanting him to want you can easily be understood as wanting you sexually, there’s a lot more to it than that. It might surprise some men, but most women (as Brittany shows) do actually want to have sex (just not always as frequently).
But being wanted is comprised of much more than just sex. Wanting to be wanted describes:
- Being desired
- Feeling attractive
A woman I counseled last week is beyond frustrated that her husband will hug his sister, but not her. He spends the weekends helping his parents, but when he’s home doesn’t help her with anything, even with the kids. He texts and talks to friends and family daily, but not her.
When your partner prioritizes everyone and everything else above you, it leaves you wondering what you have to do to make him:
- Want you physically
- Want to be around you
- Talk to you
- Spend time with you
Often the feeling of not being wanted starts far before any opportunity for sex arises. As a couple, there should be an intrinsic desire to work together on building your lives. This includes repetitive day-to-day tasks, like caring for the kids and household chores.
When it feels like your partner has no interest in this aspect of your lives and relationship, it also feels like they have no interest in you. In other words, it makes you feel like you’re not wanted.
The fallout from this breakdown in partnership is that you each begin to grow apart from each other. The emotional distance created directly impacts the physical desire for each other. Pretty soon there’s no intimacy, no real desire, and you’re left wondering what you can do to make him want you again. He may even wonder what he can do to make you want him.
‘Why’ Doesn’t He Want You?
Before you can answer the question of ‘how’ to make him want you, you’ve got to first answer ‘why’ doesn’t he want you. Here are a few places to start to think about that men tell me are reasons they lose interest in their partner:
- Consider what might be a turn-off rather than a turn-on. You can consider your appearance, like Brittany did above, but that’s not always it. What about your behavior, the words you use, how you treat him? Do you nag or are you critical? He may very well do things that deserve this response, but that doesn’t change the fact that he probably doesn’t like it.
- What could be stealing his interest? Sports, the internet, gaming, gambling like fantasy football, watching porn, looking at other women…? Even something that seems like a healthy and normal guy thing can become a problem if it becomes excessive.
- Have you drifted apart and fallen out of love? This is pretty common and will naturally happen over time unless you both are doing things to prevent it. This direction can be reversed though too.
- Could your husband be having a midlife crisis, be depressed, or have another mental health issue? These are not uncommon in men, even though they typically won’t admit it to themselves or anyone else. A medical condition or prescription medications can play a part as well. Is he abusing alcohol or drugs?
- Have you been distant or distracted? Desire often feeds desire and people react to one another. So, if you’ve been busy, distant, or disinterested yourself, it’s possible that his lack of interest is partially in response to yours.
Sometimes one or several of these things can be a ticking time bomb in a man that finally goes off. Typically, it’s a combination of several of the above factors.
Here’s another woman who feels her guy doesn’t want her because he has no interest in sex:
His interest in sex has just kept decreasing…and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies…I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying “I want you now!”…Sometimes I will get a “let me take some insulin and gimme an hour” or “I’m too busy” I am lucky if I get it three times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I cannot remember my last orgasm…and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC…” – Evette
What’s The ‘How’ To Making Him Want You?
The ‘how’ to make him want you is dependent upon the ‘what’ of what is turning him off. It will probably take some time to figure this completely out, but most likely you already have some ideas. So, here’s where to start:
- Accept that there’s not going to be a quick fix. None of the above relationships got here overnight and resolving it will take some time too. So be patient.
- Try being more attentive. One thing you’ll need to make sure of is that you’re not actually the problem yourself. If your behavior has shown disinterest or ambivalence, then you can’t expect him to be overly desirous of you. Anyone who is routinely ignored or rejected will begin to pull away. So, start paying attention to the way you pay attention to him.
- You both play a part in fixing this problem. Unfortunately, typically one partner (usually the one reading this) is more motivated to fix things than the other. This doesn’t mean things can’t change even if you’re doing it all by yourself. When you change you, you change the relationship. But your responsibility is only to change you, not for you to try changing him.
- Don’t focus too much on sex. If you’re at this stage the reason he doesn’t want you has most likely gone way beyond just physical attraction.
- Start where he’s told you in the past he wasn’t happy. Everyone has things in their relationship they wish were different. People express this dissatisfaction either directly or indirectly. And it’s pretty common for partners to miss or ignore those signals. Time to change that by making a list of those things. Give yourself some time to reflect on and recall what he hasn’t been happy about.
- Ask for help. Ask him and ask a professional counselor. The ‘why’ and the ‘how’ of having him want you are interconnected and they can be very tricky to precisely determine on your own, so ask for help.
The answer to how to make him want you looks different for each relationship. However, I’ve discussed some of the most common factors and I hope they help you discover what’s gone wrong in your relationship.