By I HATE MY WIFE, I HATE MY LIFE, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
By Dr. Kurt Smith
I never know what I’m going to get when someone comes for counseling. I’ve heard a lot over 20+ years and so I’m not usually shocked. But I was a bit taken aback when Sean started out by saying, “I hate my wife and I hate my life.”
Typically, it takes a little while to get people to finally open up and tell me why they’ve really come to counseling. Often, it’s about something big, like “I’m having an affair” or “He drinks too much.”
Sometimes I get, “We’re great, except for this one thing.”
And once in a while, it’s something really all-encompassing like, “I hate my wife, I hate my life.”
Where do you go from there? That’s kinda everything.
I told Sean,
Man, you just made me depressed!
I don’t know. I guess.”
Sadly, Sean’s far from alone. When you’re unhappy with your romantic life, it can bleed into every other part of your life, leaving you dissatisfied with all of your life.
Unhappy is different from hate though. Hate is a really strong word to use.
People can say, “I hate you” in the heat of the moment, but to feel that level of dislike for your partner persistently is a whole other thing.
So, hating your wife and hating your life is pretty overwhelming.
What Happens When You Hate Your Wife
When a husband feels this way about his wife, he typically obsesses over it.
Unfortunately, not being able to let it go only intensifies the thought and feeling.
This can cause:
- Sleep problems
- Undereating or overeating
- Focus and motivation difficulties
- Irritability and anger problems
- Headaches or migraines, digestive problems, high blood pressure
- Excessive Alcohol or drug use
It creates a horrible negative feedback loop between thoughts about hating her and feelings of hate – one feeding and whipping up the other in increasing intensity.
Our mind often goes to question asking too. Such as:
- Why do I hate her?
And examples are generated and replayed repeatedly to justify the belief.
- Why does she treat me the way she does?
An analysis is done of her intentions, motivations, and causes for her behavior – her parents got divorced when she was a kid, her dad cheated on her mom and now she thinks I’m doing that to her, her mother is really controlling, “She’s bat sh-t crazy…”
- Why can’t I have a wife like ____?
Comparing your wife to others you know, and your marriage to other marriages is common.
We search for explanations on our side too.
Maybe –
- It’s me with the problem, not her.
- I married the wrong person.
- I make her this way.
The power of hating your wife and your life can be a trigger for a midlife crisis. Which, unfortunately, only feeds the thoughts and feelings as the unhappiness increases.
Understandably, this is a depressing thought. I don’t know how you can think and feel it and not be depressed. So, hating your wife is also a cause of depression.
Is there anything good that results?
I don’t see it.
Now that doesn’t mean you should change how you feel about her, but it does mean you should change how you handle the feeling and let it control you.
I’m married for 21 years, got three beautiful kids, nice home and well off. My wife has never been happy, can never find a nice or positive thing to say. She does not work, she takes my daughter to school, the two boys have cars now. She has called me everything bad and horrible under the sun, tears me to shreds verbally, and has hit me and kicked me for years until one day four years back I said if you do that again I will hit back and I did. She never hit me again. She does not have to do house work or anything as we have help in house and garden. She is meant to make me meals and that seldom happens and when it does its disgusting and overcooked. She just leaves dishes and food out after dinner and the food spoils by morning. She is meant to keep the home and make it nice, she doesn’t. I have this feeling of resentment and disdain for her as she is so f-ing lazy. My older son says he doesn’t know how I take it. I love my family and don’t want a divorce but fear I am starting to hate my wife because she is so lame, negative and abusive and just never grateful. I’ve stayed because I don’t want to break my daughter’s heart and be away from her.” – Jerry
Many husbands who hate their wives feel stuck, like Jerry. They stay for reasons such as their kids, convenience, lifestyle, or don’t want to lose their retirement savings.
Rather than change anything (there are other changes than just divorce), they suck it up (or stuff it away) and stay.
Which leads to not only hating your wife but also hating your life.
When You Hate Your Life Too?
Hating your life and hating your wife aren’t always linked, but they often are.
It’s possible to hate your wife, but still love your job, kids, or golf.
But hating your life means pretty much everything.
However, it’s often a general, blanket statement that often lacks much specificity.
Why do you hate your life?
A guy I’m counseling said this week –
I don’t wake up happy. I don’t go to bed happy. I wake up stressed. I go to bed stressed.”
Here’s another guy –
I’m in another state working. I’m going from site to site doing the same evaluation over and over again. It’s boring as hell. And while I’m gone my wife is at it again, accusing me of cheating, just like she does every time I leave town. My daughter’s school called yesterday and says they think she’s distributing drugs and needs to be drug tested. My son is out of control and my wife gives back every punishment I give him. I hate her for all of it. I hate my life at home and hate it at work.” – Armando
For a lot of us, it’s not that difficult to get to a point where we feel like there’s nothing good in our life.
How to Escape The Hate Prison
When you hate your wife and life you really are in a mental prison.
While the reasons for hating are real, the prison is one of our own making.
The truth is we control our feelings – other people or our circumstances do not. Learning how to manage our feelings is a crucial life skill for everyday life, but especially for times like this.
How can you escape the hate prison you’re in?
- Control your feelings rather than letting your feelings control you. A professional counselor can teach you how to do this.
- Make some changes. Divorce isn’t the only way to get change though. Start taking better care of yourself. Improve your eating, sleeping, start exercising, go back to an old hobby or explore a new one, go to church or a Meetup group.
- Develop a life apart from your wife. I’m not saying to start a whole new life, but having an individual part of your life is healthy for any marriage or relationship. Yes, there is such a thing as too much of each other.
It’s not just husbands who are negatively impacted either.
I’ve been married for 32 years. My marriage is I think over. My husband hates me. We still live together. He’s always been verbally abusive. I got tired and left the bedroom for good. I know he’s not cheating, except maybe on the weekends where he’s not here all day. Is it possible for a person to love and hate you at the same time?” – Sue
Yes, it’s possible that your husband both loves and hates you. Most men who hate their wife and their life are confused. Not only about what to do and what they want but also about how they really feel.
They need help sorting it all out, but sadly most won’t get it.
What To Take Away
If you hate your wife and hate your life, what should you do?
Here are a couple of things you can do and questions you can ask to get yourself started:
- Take an honest look at yourself and figure out how hating your wife and life is impacting you. How’s your sleep, eating, and drinking? Are there some unhealthy ways you’re coping with feeling this way?
- How much do you think about it? Weekly, daily, hourly? Are you obsessing about the reasons why? Think about how your thinking affects you.
- You probably already have a list in your head of all the things you hate about your wife and life. Take them out of your head and put them in writing. Then think of a couple of good things too. Can’t think of any? Try harder.
- You control your feelings, whether you know how to or not. Make a commitment to learn how to better manage how you feel. Ultimately, hating only hurts us.
- Change something about yourself that will make you feel better, even if it only changes how you feel temporarily.
Most people run away from things they don’t like. And that’s the most common response when men hate their wife and hate their life, but there are a lot of negatives that come with that choice. So, don’t make running away your response.
Do you hate your wife? Hate your life? Please share why so other readers can give you feedback and support.
