By HOW TO SHARE COMPASSION AND EMPATHY IN INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS
By Ellie Lisitsa
Try these techniques in your own relationship. The results may surprise you.
The core of new relationships is the deep bond a couple builds through intimate interaction, in particular through their daily conversations. This post explains how to apply Dr. John Gottman’s skills for sharing compassion and empathy with your partner.
The ideas are theoretically pretty straightforward, but difficult to put into practice. If you find implementing them to be a challenge, remember Dr. John Gottman’s advice: “No opinions or problem solving until you’ve gone through the four steps of attunement.”
Also, remember that immediate advice may come off as glib and insulting to your partner. They may think to themselves, ‘Does this person think I’m so dumb I can’t come up with my own solution?’ This probably rings a few bells of annoyance and, maybe, even indignation.
Below, you’ll find an illustration of two possible conversations between Sam and Charlie, a young couple walking home from a dinner with their mutual friend, Abby.
The first example is a failed attempt at expressing compassion and empathy in a bid for intimate conversation:
Sam: I couldn’t believe how Micah reacted when I brought up what happened. What a crude attempt at changing the subject! Who does she think she is? Just shutting me down like that…
Charlie: You know Abby just doesn’t like to listen. Next time, you shouldn’t bring it up; it makes everything so awkward.
Sam: You’re such a pushover. Why can’t you stand up for me? You thought she was acting weird. I don’t see why I can’t talk to her about it.
Charlie: Come on, we’ve been through this before. Let’s have some coffee or something.
Sam: No, I don’t want any.
In this scenario, Charlie reacts without considering Sam’s need for support. She immediately rushes to offer an explanation, even defending the person her partner feels attacked by. She refuses to engage with Sam on an emotional level and attempts to distract instead. Sam is left feeling disappointed and even more frustrated than before. He expected empathy and instead received advice he didn’t ask for and criticism he certainly didn’t expect to hear. Here is a way that Sam could apply Dr. John Gottman’s skills for intimate conversation to the same scenario, increasing their attunement and trust in each other:
Sam: I couldn’t believe how Abby reacted when I brought up what happened. What a crude attempt at changing the subject! Who does she think she is? Just shutting me down like that…
Charlie: I’m sorry, I understand how that would make you upset. I know you wanted to help, but she never wants to go there.
Sam: I like Abby… It’s just so frustrating that I have to walk on eggshells around her. It’s exhausting.
Charlie: That makes sense. I hate it when I have to censor myself in social situations. I just want to relax, too.
Sam: Yeah. You know what? Let’s have some coffee together.
Try these techniques in your own relationship, and the results may surprise you. By engaging in supportive, intimate conversations with your partner, you can build trust, which is the most important ingredient in a healthy, happy relationship.
