By HOW TO RECLAIM INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE
By Mike & Carlie Kercheval
One question we are often asked during our coaching sessions with married couples is: How can we reclaim intimacy once it is lost?
This question is a lot more common than you may think. The loss or perceived loss of intimacy in marriage is a growing epidemic among many Christian married couples. Thankfully there are several ways couples can rebuild intimacy when they feel as if it’s lost.
To be clear, when we are talking about intimacy in Christian marriage, we are referring to all aspects: physical, mental, and spiritual intimacy. We will provide suggestions for overcoming disconnect in all of these areas.
Physical intimacy is an integral part of a healthy Christian marriage. This is oftentimes one of the first areas the enemy will try to destroy. Oftentimes we hear couples complain that they are too exhausted to be physically intimate. While being tired is no fun, there are still ways you can work around this.
Mental intimacy is important for building trust, which leads to greater openness with one another for physical and spiritual intimacy. Because Christian marriage cannot be complete without Christ at the center, we will be sharing some practical ways to reclaim your spiritual intimacy too.
Oftentimes couples have no idea that intimacy is dwindling until a major conflict has occurred. This really doesn’t have to be the case.
Have you and your spouse lost the spark in your marriage? Are you wondering how to reclaim intimacy? Take heart as there is still hope!
Although you may be feeling disconnected from one another, we have discovered some time-tested ways you can absolutely reclaim intimacy in every area of your marriage.
If you commit to acting on the suggestions below, we know for sure that your intimacy will improve almost instantly!
1. Simply listen to each other.
The simple act of listening to one another can do wonders for your marriage. There is a difference between “letting” someone talk and actively listening to them.
Active listening is one of the simplest ways for intimacy to skyrocket in your marriage. When your spouse knows that they are being heard, they feel more secure and trust is established.
This Marriage Communication 101 Masterclass is a great way to learn more about how to be an active listener and improve overall communication in your marriage.
2. Commit to praying together and for one another.
We all know that life can get chaotic pretty fast. If we are not careful, we will neglect praying together, or praying altogether. When this happens a major shift takes place in our marriage because we are not communicating with God.
Prayer is a major blessing to Christian marriage as it keeps our relationship with Christ strong and allows us to gain the wisdom we need to love one another well. Sometimes your prayers will be what helps sustain your spouse through the day.
Praying with your spouse is a wonderful way to cultivate and reclaim intimacy in your marriage. If you are not already doing this, start today. It’s never too late.
3. Never forget your “why.”
Why did you marry your spouse? This is a great question to ask yourself when you are feeling disconnected. Answering this question helps you remember why your marriage is worth fighting for.
We encourage you to write down your “why” in a journal or a place you can look at. This way when you are feeling tempted to give up, you can spark the memory of why you said “I do” in the first place.
Remembering the reasons you and your spouse came together can definitely help motivate you to pursue intimacy again.
4. Take out your calendar and schedule time for intimacy.
Seriously. Take out your calendar right now, and put intimacy with your spouse on the agenda. Whether you schedule things on your phone or in a physical planner, make sure to get it on the calendar.
By actually adding time on your calendar for intimacy with your spouse, this will ensure—no matter how busy life gets—you will not neglect this important time with each other.
This scheduled time could include anything from having dinner at a local restaurant to reading your Bible together. The ways to connect are unlimited. Whatever you do isn’t as important as keeping your commitment and enjoying one another.
5. Don’t neglect date night.
Many couples seem to fall into believing they don’t have the time or money for date night. While time may be tight and money may be lacking, that is still no excuse.
There are plenty of wonderful stay-at-home date nights that don’t cost a thing and you don’t need a babysitter!
The truth about time is that we are all given the same 24-hours in a day to use how we choose. We encourage you to make your marriage a priority in that 24-hours. You certainly won’t regret it!
6. Kiss as often as you can.
It’s no secret that kissing has plenty of proven health benefits. From increasing oxytocin, the hormone that helps decrease stress, to helping keep us centered.
Stealing a kiss from your beloved is a simple way to break down barriers and move into increased levels of intimacy in your marriage. Who knew something so fun could be so beneficial?
7. Make sure you are setting aside time to talk every day.
While this may seem obvious, you’d be surprised how many couples do not communicate every day. If you and your spouse can commit to having a focused conversation (that means putting down the cell phone and remote control) every day you will see a major improvement in your mental intimacy.
And when mental intimacy is improved there is a direct correlation to increased physical intimacy, too. It’s a win-win for both of you!
8. Own up to your part.
One of the things that we hear a lot of when we are coaching clients about marriage is blaming each other for the lack of intimacy. We encourage you to never play the blame game in your marriage.
Rather, we encourage you to own up to your part in it and work together as a team to come up with some ways you can each contribute to getting intimacy back on track.
It’s amazing what ownership can do when a couple is trying to reclaim intimacy in their marriage. By simply agreeing to do your part, which may include making changes, you are already showing you are trustworthy. And remember that trust will always breed intimacy in your marriage!
9. Simply being present.
Sometimes all you need is to know your spouse is physically present. We can testify to how much this means to both a husband and wife. Even if a breakdown in intimacy has occurred, make sure you are still physically there for your spouse.
Don’t allow the enemy to make you think you shouldn’t be home because things are exactly how they used to be. Instead, make the choice to choose to be there for your spouse, choosing them over anything else.
This choice will speak volumes to your spouse and open up the door for more conversation, which can lead to growth in all areas of your marriage; including intimacy.
10. Forgive, forgive, forgive.
It goes without saying that where there is a lack of forgiveness, there is not going to be room for any kind of intimacy. Withholding forgiveness takes up way too much space in our hearts and literally suffocates closeness in any relationship.
If you are hurt by something your spouse has done, make the decision to forgive them. Or perhaps you need to forgive yourself for something. Either way, choose to forgive so you and your spouse can move on and grow in intimacy together.
Many couples will feel disconnected from time to time, and that’s okay. The important thing is to communicate with each other when you feel this way. By keeping the conversation open, you will be able to work through any periods where intimacy seems lost.
When you and your spouse are both committed to reclaiming the intimacy in your marriage, there is no stopping what God can do! Take the time to implement any of the steps above and you will begin to see a change. Go and reclaim intimacy in your marriage today!
