By HOW TO ASK IF HE’S SEEING SOMEONE ELSE MINUS THE AWKWARDNESS
Nicky Curtis
If you’ve dated someone for a few months, you’re now wondering how to ask if he’s seeing someone else. There’s a way to do it to minimize embarrassment.
Relationships aren’t exactly easy. Confusion abounds no matter what stage of the game you’re in. If you’re in that early stage, it can be even more mind-boggling. The problem is, most of us want to know how to ask if he’s seeing someone else.
Finding the right time to have this conversation and doing it in the right way can be extremely difficult. It’s vital that you don’t do it too soon. Timing is everything!
Finding the right time
Generally speaking, guys don’t want to be pressured into thinking about the future too soon. That might be a huge generalization, but most of the guys I’ve met fall into this category. You might be lucky enough to meet one which has his eye on the future and can’t wait to get past that awkward stage. If so, hold onto him! For most, we walk that line of confusion for a short while at least.
Getting this conversation right could be the difference between going with the flow in a more open minded way, and blowing it all too soon. Never fear, there is some very useful advice you can follow, which should calm the waters somewhat.
How to ask if he’s seeing someone else in the right way
Figuring out how to ask if he’s seeing someone else is nerve wracking, but you must keep it casual, that’s the vital part. Coming on too strong at this point will make him panic and run. Guys are like that for the most part.
Again, if you find one who can’t wait to jump into a full blown relationship, assuming that’s what you want too, great! For most of us, we should follow several unspoken rules to make this conversation far less of a panic.
The most important thing lies within you. Be sure what you want from the very start. If you want a relationship, know that and find out what he wants. If you know for certain that he doesn’t want a relationship and he wants to keep it casual for a prolonged period of time, ask yourself whether you’re happy with that.
In the past I’ve made the vital mistake of going along with it in the hope that he’ll change his mind and suddenly want a full relationship, yet almost two years on I was still going around the same hamster wheel of casual hook ups. Not something I would recommend for anyone. Knowing what you want and having a general idea of where he’s heading, and where he’s at, will help you avoid wasting time and breaking your own heart.
Once you know what you want, go with the flow for a short while and see what happens. Perhaps after the first few dates, you’ll decide that you really don’t want to take this any further. It saves you having the conversation and thinking about how to ask if he’s seeing someone else!
Assuming everything is going well, wait at least a couple of months before approaching this subject, and make sure that within those couple of months you’ve been hanging out on a regular basis, i.e. a few times per week.
Personally, I would say two months minimum of regular dates, three months if you can. The longer you leave it, the less pressurized the situation, and the higher the chances of a positive answer in your favor.
How to have the conversation
Now you know when to have the talk, we now need to cover how to ask if he’s seeing someone else in terms of what to say and how to say it. I can’t stress enough that the way you say this is more important than the words you choose.
Seriously, he’s not going to love you jumping down his throat with a demanding conversation. So, it’s vital that you not only approach this in a casual way, but you keep the tone of your voice light and cheery too.
Ease into the conversation and don’t make your meet up entirely about asking this question. Don’t jump straight in with the conversation when you first meet up. Wait a little, so he can tell that you haven’t arranged to meet up solely to interrogate him on his dating habits!
When you’re ready to do the asking, keep it light once more. Something like “Can you believe it’s been three months we’ve been seeing each other? It’s crazy how fast time goes.” That’s a generalization and a conversation starter, and he won’t suspect that you’re going somewhere with it. Then follow up with another line, again stay light, “I’m not seeing anyone else you know” and use a shrug as another casual body language aid, and then “are you?”
As you can see, casual, calm, and the shrug shows that you haven’t made this entire date about getting a serious answer to a serious question. This breezy attitude is far more likely to get him to open up and be honest, than if you sit him down and shine a light in his eyes, demanding to know answers!
Stay in the present
It’s also important that you keep everything about the here and now. Don’t let your words or your voice venture into the future. Keep it present tense. If you start bringing the future into it, you could freak him out; not always, but it’s possible.
Don’t mention what you want to happen in the future, or what you see on the horizon. You’re not a fortune teller and you have no clue what’s going to happen. All you want to know right now is whether or not he is seeing anyone else as well as you. The answer is all you need for the here and now.
Dealing with the outcome of what he says
I hope that you get the answer you want. I hope that he says “no, I’m not seeing anyone else either”… and that he means it. If you’ve been seeing each other for a while and things are going well, you’ll probably be able to tell whether or not he’s telling the truth. Don’t question it, take him at face value.
What if you don’t get a straight answer? In this case you do need to push a little. A few extra probing questions will give you a bit more information to go on. This is vital because, well, why should you waste your time at this point?
If you want this to go somewhere, you need to know he’s on the same page. If he’s still seeing other people, he’s clearly not on the same chapter as you, let alone the same page. At this point, you have permission to be a little firmer.
Keep it semi-light at this point, but get the answer you need. Something like “I just think after this amount of time we should be at least exclusive.” You also have to think about your sexual health here too. If he’s seeing other people, does that mean he’s sleeping with others too? Are you being careful? These are things you need to know.
Understanding how to ask if he’s seeing someone else might be full of pitfalls, but it’s the only way to get the answers you need. Time to take charge of your own dating life.
