By HOW SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN DATING LEADS TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Kyle Benson
When it comes to dating, I need you to understand that how you set boundaries and your level of honesty sets the stage for the quality of the relationship.
For example, in one of my unhealthy past relationships I would notice behavior (deleting texts from other males, lying, and more) in my partner that made me very insecure. After numerous failed attempts to increase the security (trust and commitment), I told myself to “ignore her behavior.”
As Dr. Gottman’s research highlights, “adaptation to negativity [and insecurity] is dysfunctional.” While negativity happens in even stable marriages (remember the 5 positive to 1 negative interaction ratio), in connected couples it gets repaired. When a red flag is shown, it gets addressed, boundaries are put up, and the relationship improves. Dr. Gottman goes on to say that, in marriages that work, partners notice even lower levels of negativity in the relationship and take action on it.
As I highlight in my interview with Madeline Charles in The Irresistible Woman, a FREE Expert Interview Series and Gift Giveaway, honesty and healthy boundaries are vital to finding a healthy relationship.
Honesty means honoring your needs and finding a partner who will work with you to meet those needs as you meet theirs. It also means being realistic and knowing, as Esther Perel often highlights, that your partner cannot accommodate you 100% of the time or fulfill every single one of your needs. The key determining factor of the success of the relationship long-term is your willingness to bring up your needs in a gentle and honest way (Hint: “I” statements + a positive, actionable recipe for success) and your potential partner’s willingness to work with you to find a win-win solution.
This starts by knowing yourself and your needs. Unfortunately, many of us are taught that our needs are “too much” and so our blueprint for love convinces us to seek someone who validates this belief system. Since our self-esteem is low, we often “settle” for bread crumbs of love. I know I did. And with low self-esteem, it makes it difficult to be honest about your needs and put up healthy boundaries. It’s not uncommon for someone to tolerate really unhealthy behavior so they don’t have to be “alone.” Sadly, this mindset doesn’t lead to a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship where your significant other and you support each other on becoming the best couple and individuals you can be.
