Giving Your Adult Child Space

GIVING YOUR ADULT CHILD SPACE

Intentional Living

Most parents with an adult child have faced the temptation to become critical of their child’s decisions. The transition from age 15 to 20 can be hard on both of you. You’re learning to give him or her space and they’re trying to make adult decisions on their own.

You’ve given them direction and instruction for so long, it’s difficult to make the switch to a supportive role, offering advice when they ask you for it instead of when you think they need it. Honestly, you should not tell a 23-year-old how you think they should live.

As a parent of an adult child, you have to move away from, “What I want for you,” and “What I expect from you.” Most adult children refuse this approach and interpret it as critical or unsupportive of their life goals and dreams. Instead, say to your son or daughter, “I am observing something. Would you give me permission to share what I’ve observed?” It’s really hard, but if they say no, then bite your tongue and back off.

Now there are a lot of young adults still living at home. You have every right to set very clear expectations and boundaries with a 23-year-old still living in your home. Be careful not to position your conversation in a way that says, “This is what I want for you,” but instead set boundaries within the home with words like “Your mom and I are willing to do this…, and we’d like for you to do that while you are living with us.” Discuss money. Maybe you want to help with your child’s tuition, car payments, gas. Will they pay rent, help with groceries? Discuss relationships. Are their friends welcome to come over? How late are friends of the opposite sex allowed to stay? Do you expect your adult child to let you know when they’re going to be late getting home or not coming home at all?

Your child has to make his or her own decisions. But it’s important to define the things up front that you will and will not tolerate in your home. Treat him or her like an adult and expect the same in return. Remember, it’s your home—you set the boundaries.

Parenting continues, but looks very different as your child enters into adulthood. Your job description changes as you release them into God’s hands to accomplish what He intends for them. This is an important phase for you to handle prayerfully and intentionally.

Intentional ONE THING Challenge

If you could do ONE THING and know that it would make a significant, lasting, possibly life-changing difference in your life, would you do it? Dr. Carlson shares the power of ONE THING and why you should get started doing your ONE THING today.

Tell Us

How have you successfully transitioned from parenting a child to parenting an adult? We’d love to hear your stories. Post your comments.

‘Arrogant.’ ‘Ruthless.’ And Unapologetically Themselves

‘ARROGANT.’ ‘RUTHLESS.’ AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY THEMSELVES

Maya Salam

“I feel this team is in the midst of changing the world around us as we live.” — Megan Rapinoe, the United States’ star attacker and the World Cup’s top scorer

When the athletes of the United States women’s soccer team celebrated their 13 unanswered goals against Thailand in the first round, they were called “arrogant.”

When they tore past France in the quarterfinals, they were called “ruthless.”

And when President Trump, responding to a months-old clip of Megan Rapinoe using an expletive to say she wouldn’t visit the White House if the team won the World Cup, told her to win “before she talks,” she and her teammates continued talking.

As the historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich famously said, “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” On Sunday, the American women’s team did just that — securing a record fourth World Cup championship to maintain its reputation as the world’s greatest women’s soccer team (and one of the world’s greatest sports teams, period).

In the process, the Americans did more than shine as symbols of athleticism and teamwork; they affirmed themselves as fighters for equality on multiple fronts.

Here are three ways the team has elevated issues of fairness.

Megan Rapinoe celebrating with teammates after scoring the United States’ first goal against the Netherlands during the Women’s World Cup final on Sunday

The fight for pay equity

After the American women sealed their victory in Lyon, France, chants of “Equal pay! Equal pay!” began to grow inside the stadium.

The American team will be awarded $4 million for its win, while the winners of the men’s World Cup last year received $38 million. Gianni Infantino, president of FIFA, soccer’s governing body, said the organization would double the total women’s prize for the 2023 tournament — but it’s also expected to raise the men’s award in 2022.

In 2015, the United States Soccer Federation awarded the women’s team $2 million for winning the World Cup. In 2014, the men’s team earned $9 million even though it did not advance past the first rounds.

Not surprisingly, the women’s national team is not taking that disparity lying down.

In March, all the players filed a gender discrimination lawsuit against U.S. Soccer, accusing it of years of “institutionalized gender discrimination.” They also noted that the argument that the men’s team generates more money simply isn’t true.

According to the suit, the federation had expected a combined net loss for the national teams of $429,929 from the 2016 fiscal year, but largely because of the successes of the women’s team’s, it revised its projections to a $17.7 million profit.

Defying the sportsmanship double standard

As the United States team rampaged against Thailand in its first World Cup match last month, the players leapt and celebrated nearly every goal. Clare Rustad, a former player for the Canadian national team, called the celebrations “disgraceful.”

Last week, striker Alex Morgan pretended to sip from a teacup after scoring against England in the semifinal. Lianne Sanderson, her former National Women’s Soccer League teammate, said the celebration was “distasteful.”

“I feel that there is some sort of double standard for females in sports,” Morgan said. “We have to be humble in our successes and have to celebrate, but not too much or in a limited fashion.”

“You see men celebrating all over the world in big tournaments,” grabbing their crotches and that sort of thing, she said.

And Rapinoe, when asked about the team’s celebrations said: “What do you want us to do? We work hard. We like to play hard.”