LIFE AS A PARENT: WHAT KIND OF FATHER WILL YOU BE?
Dedan K. Bruner
Growing up without a dad was my first lesson in parenting.
I was 35 years old when my mother gave me the box. It was during my first visit home to California from Washington, D.C., after sharing the news that my new girlfriend and I were expecting a child. The contents were sparse. Among them was a telegram that my mother sent to my father, who had been away in Botswana serving in the Peace Corps, announcing my birth. Also included was a letter my father wrote to my mother a few years later, stating that he was moving back to the United States and that my mother and I, along with my father, his new wife and their children, should all live together upon their return.
At the bottom of the box was a small stack of checks — these I remembered well. Right around New Year’s when I was 5 or 6, I received an envelope with almost a dozen $25 checks, each predated for a different month, plus a $50 birthday check for July.
Seeing the checks brought back a flood of memories. I’d hotly anticipated each one, and felt frustrated at how long it took for my mother, whom I called Bobby, to hand over my “birthday money.” I’d clung to those checks as evidence of my father’s ongoing support. So imagine my embarrassment as a teenager when Bobby confessed that the checks began bouncing a few months in, and she’d started paying me their value out of her own limited budget. Until that day, I’d naively believed my dad’s promise to fund my college education.
Bobby and I never talked about the box. We didn’t need to. My mother’s message was loud and clear: “What kind of father will you be?” The answer seemed simple. I had been thinking about the type of father I would be since I was a kid growing up without one.
Embraced by a circle of dads
When I found out I was going to be a father, I was working on Capitol Hill in a fast-paced congressional office. In the moments that weren’t consumed with congressional votes or meetings, one of our favorite pastimes was getting updates from the three office dads. There was Joe, our 30-something military liaison, who would tell stories about his twin daughters and his son who was born with cerebral palsy. Then Riley, our elder statesman, who along with his wife had decided in his 50s to adopt Ethiopian siblings. Finally, there was our boss, James, a father of three teenagers, the eldest of whom was diagnosed with autism.
These men loved being dads. While their journeys were different, their stories of breakthroughs, tiny victories and comic setbacks connected them and entertained us all. When I announced that I was going to be a father, they welcomed me to the club with the kind of love and support that I had never seen among men. They showered me with tips about car seats and college savings plans, and tons of little ideas to make each day special. Their energy was infectious and edifying. I knew I would be O.K.
Months later, when my daughter Ella was born, James showed up at the hospital with a copy of the local newspaper and the February 2011 issue of Essence magazine so my daughter would, as he put it, “always know exactly what was going on when she came into the world.”
Nine months after my daughter was born, her mother moved out. While difficult for both of us, it was for the best. At the time, she was a first-year law student with a rigorous schedule. There was no custody battle. We crafted a schedule that worked, splitting Ella’s time evenly between the two of us with built-in flexibility to absorb her mom’s studies and my busy seasons at work. Eight years later, while much has changed, the same plan is still in place.
Society does not expect a whole lot from dads, much less single dads. The bulk of the nurturing, and most of what we consider “raising” a child is said to be the work of mothers. Dads “provide,” give the occasional bit of “fatherly wisdom” and do all the “outside stuff,” like camping. As it turns out, toddlers need less fatherly advice and more clean diapers. Children do not require us to be “baby whisperers,” but they do require resilience. I discovered that running warm water through Ella’s hair was a sure-fire way to get her to fall asleep not because I’m good at being a father; on the contrary, I learned the hard way that changing a baby girl on an incline at 3 a.m. can cause pee to run down her back and into her hair — requiring an early morning bath.
Fatherhood means trial and error
Ask the average dad for advice on how to raise a son, and you’ll get tips on the proper age to start sports and how to deal with bullies. He might share his dreams for his son, strategies for discussing sex, and the proper way to grip a hand and lock eyes during an introduction. Ask the same guy for advice on raising a daughter and he’ll wince his silent condolences while recommending that you get a gun and forbid her from dating until she turns 30.
I adopted the philosophy that it didn’t matter if my kid was a boy or a girl — at least until puberty. There are no lessons that I would teach a son that I would not want my daughter privy to. Self-respect, consideration, compassion, kindness and good citizenship serve each gender well and can be modeled by either parent. While her mother is adamant that Ella not use “bad words,” I care more about making poor language choices — howshe uses her words. Every now and then, I offer my daughter amnesty — 10 seconds to get any curse words she really wants to say out of her system. The first time I offered, after I pinky swore that I wouldn’t tell Mommy, she said the “S-word.” Months later, when I offered again, she passed. While her mom and I may not always agree on strategies, our goals are the same.
No matter how hard I try, not everything I do will be right. My inability to style my daughter’s hair was frequently criticized by the women in our lives, and apparently nearly every kid on the playground. Several friends tried to teach me; I watched YouTube videos and bought expensive products, to no avail. One day after picking her up from school, my daughter hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I don’t think I want you to do my hair anymore.” The statement crushed me, not because of what she said but because I could imagine the ridicule she’d endured before reaching that conclusion.
A few days later, a neighbor called me over as we were returning home from school. Still sensitive from Ella’s rebuke, my guard was up. I was working through the best way to tell my neighbor to mind her own business when she said she appreciated seeing me as a father. She said she knew a lot of fathers but that she liked seeing me. Sometimes you don’t know how empty you have been until someone or something fills you up. Relieved, I thanked her. As we turned to walk away, she told me to bring Ella over Saturday morning so she could “figure out that head.” I laughed and dutifully agreed. To this day, she is still our go-to hair guru.
There is no secret (that I could find) to fatherhood. Being there and being engaged matter most. There are times when I cannot be there, but I remain engaged. When my daughter is with her mother, we chat before bed and again before school. While I enjoy my own pursuits, I also spend time planning activities and adventures to ensure that we get the most out of our limited time together.
On New Year’s Day this year, I launched On Fathering, an online destination that celebrates fatherhood the way the dads in my old office did. The goal is not to make money or hold myself out as an expert on being a dad, but rather to give fathers and fathers-to-be a safe space to explore the beauty of parenthood. With any luck, we’ll help banish the days when the best advice a new father of a daughter could receive is to “get a gun.”
THE SURPRISING BENEFITS OF RELENTLESSLY AUDITING YOUR LIFE
We tend to think that good marriages and happy families are born of love and care, not spreadsheets. But what if that’s wrong?
My husband had been trying to sell me on his method for years before I finally relented. An efficiency consultant who had once worked in the car industry in Japan, he wanted to “Toyota Way” our lives. I wanted him to keep his spreadsheets to himself.
But a house, a baby and some career changes later, as I was folding tiny T-shirts while doing an interview and rocking the baby’s chair with my foot, I gave in. I was overwhelmed. Maybe a spreadsheet could help after all.
The method, as my husband would be shouting right now, is of course more than just a spreadsheet. It’s based on the Japanese notion of “kaizen,”or continuous improvement, made famous in 2001 when Toyota singled it out as one of the pillars of the company’s success. You pick a goal, figure out the main components behind it, collect data on those components and work out what you can do to move closer to the goal.
In the case of Toyota, the goal was higher quality and increased profits. When we translated the idea to our home life, the goal was a little simpler but also a lot more complicated — happiness. We weren’t sure what drove it, so we decided to collect data on everything: how many hours we were sleeping a night, how long we spent on housework or child care, the amount of alone time, social time, commuting time, you name it. We assigned a score from one to 10 to each day, and then gave a primary reason for each score: not enough sleep, work sucked and, sometimes, “relationship bad feeling.”
Soon enough, we began to spot patterns: It turns out that the minimum number of hours I can sleep without wanting to run away from my family is five and a half. Less than an hour a week of personal time also sent me to a dark place. My husband found that his happiness rose and fell with hours spent hanging out with friends or sitting in traffic.
And so we started trying to improve our scores. We started small. I tried to shift around my workload to include more time to read and think. My husband began commuting by train so that he could bike from the station to work, incorporating exercise into his day and eliminating time spent in traffic altogether.
The project led to a major life change. Our spreadsheets hammered home that what contributed most to our happiness was time spent together or with friends — while, crucially, not working — and there was no way to get more of that if we continued to live in the Bay Area, one of the most expensive parts of the country. So I proposed an idea that would have seemed radical were there not so much data backing it: “I think you should quit your job, we should sell our house, and we should move somewhere cheaper,” I told my husband matter-of-factly one day. So we did.
Feeling uncomfortable right now? I get it. There’s a lot to feel anxious or eye-rolly about. I fully admit that in the first weeks of the project, I found it preposterous. I groaned about the time required to type in data, assign a score, all of it.
But a funny thing happened as I huffed through weeks of data collection. In addition to leading to a better understanding of what made us happy as a family, I also found the spreadsheet to be an incredibly useful tool for expressing things I might have otherwise avoided. It made the invisible visible. Instead of arguing about housework, for example, both feeling like we were doing more than our fair share, we could talk about it relatively objectively. On a day where I spent 14 hours taking care of the kids and doing house chores while my husband spent three, I was going to be unhappy, obviously. But we could just look at the numbers and then divvy up the chores evenly. Easy. No fight, no resentment. (Others have recently attempted more high-tech versions of a similar approach: One man, for instance, invented a chore-splitting app intended to keep track of who’s doing the bulk of the household work.)
It also enabled us to talk about what the transition to parenthood had meant for both of us — fewer work hours and loss of alone time for me; an intense commute and loss of social time for him — in a way that helped us stay away from competition or blame.
Before the spreadsheet, I had an idea I think many share: Marriage and family should more or less work. If you’re with the “right” person and you’ve made the “right” choices, your family life shouldn’t require a lot of discussion or effort. Your spouse should know that you need alone time and should give it to you. The appointments you keep in your head, the family social schedule you juggle — all of it should be noticed and appreciated. Good marriages and happy families are born of love and care, not spreadsheets and a daily happiness score.
But in the years since, I’ve reconsidered. Far from making our marriage seem cold and robotic, the spreadsheet sparked more honest conversations than we’d had in years. It also reminded us that we had more control over our lives than we had been exerting.
We stopped the project after a year or so, but started again last month. It’s five years since we first tried it, and we’re both feeling overwhelmed again. We’re in a much more precarious place financially now, after a few non-spreadsheet-related surprises, but we’re still determined to make whatever decisions we can to improve our lives.
In the course of researching a book on the history of motherhood in America, it occurred to me that this sort of exercise might be helpful for a lot of families, onerous as it may seem. Because the really intractable problems — like the social expectations placed on mothers, the gendered division of labor in homes, the invisibility of all sorts of care work — are not going to magically disappear. They’re not going to be erased simply by getting the right politicians elected or the right policies enacted (although those things will help).
People’s weird ideas about gender, about mothers and fathers and marriage and nuclear families, about who should do what and how much of it, about what really makes us happy, are deeply entrenched, often in ways we don’t even recognize. And so sometimes, when the baby is crying, when no one has thought about dinner, when bills need paying — when we’re caught, in other words, juggling some of the most fraught areas of our family lives, feeling emotional, ready to lash out — sometimes it really helps to have a set of calm, cool numbers on a spreadsheet.
“All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.'” – 1 Peter 5:5b
I’ll never forget the first time I discovered what a feeling was. It was in my early forties. “Surely not!” you may be thinking. Yes, it is true. Since then, I have discovered many men still live in this condition. It took an older mentor to help me understand the difference between information and a feeling.
Wives are frustrated because their husbands share information, but not their feelings. They want to know what is going on inside their man. The fact is, most men have not been taught to identify feelings, much less how to share them. It is something that men must learn to do because it is not a natural trait. If they do share their feelings, society often portrays them as weak. No man willingly wants to be portrayed as weak.
In order to become an effective friend and leader, one must learn to be vulnerable with others and develop an ability to share feelings. It is a vital step to becoming a real person with whom others can connect emotionally. This is not easy to do if your parents did not teach you to share your emotional life with others. Emotional vulnerability is especially hard for men. Author Dr. Larry Crabb states,
Men who as boys felt neglected by their dads often remain distant from their own children. The sins of fathers are passed on to children, often through the dynamic of self-protection. It hurts to be neglected, and it creates questions about our value to others. So to avoid feeling the sting of further rejection, we refuse to give that part of ourselves we fear might once again be received with indifference. When our approach to life revolves around discipline, commitment, and knowledge [which the Greek influence teaches us] but runs from feeling the hurt of unmet longings that come from a lack of deeper relationships, then our efforts to love will be marked more by required action than by liberating passion. We will be known as reliable, but not involved. Honest friends will report that they enjoy being with us, but have trouble feeling close. Even our best friends (including spouses) will feel guarded around us, a little tense and vaguely distant. It’s not uncommon for Christian leaders to have no real friends. [Larry Crabb, Inside Out (Colorado Springs, Colorado: Navpress, n.d.), 98-99.]
If this describes you, why not begin on a new journey of opening up your life to others in a way that others can see who you really are? It might be scary at first, but as you grow in this area, you will find new freedom in your life. Then, others will more readily connect with you.
THE MANY FACES OF FAMILY AND LOVE: THERE IS NO “BEST” ONE
A commonsense manifesto for valuing all families, relationships, and life paths.
Never before have people in the U.S. and other nations around the world organized their personal lives and their family lives in so many different ways. In the U.S., for example, nearly as many adults are not married as married. The most sentimentalized family type—mom and dad, married with children—now accounts for fewer than 20 percent of all households. There are more households comprised of one person living alone.
Children are living in many different kinds of families and households. A full 40 percent of them are not being raised by two married parents. Many are living with one parent, or with cohabiting parents, or with stepparents or grandparents, to name just a few of the most popular permutations.
“Family” is a many-splendored thing and it can take all sorts of shapes and sizes. Twitter embraced that notion when the writer Lucy Huber posted this tweet:
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Within a week, the tweet had been liked more than 185,000 times and shared more than 47,000 times.
Scholars have been writing about diversity in relationships and families and some of the most unlikely terms have been catching on. Take amatonormativity, for example. That one was coined by Elizabeth Brake. It refers to:
“the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.”
Professor Brake argues against that assumption. She thinks that other kinds of relationships and social circles, such as friendships and care networks, should not be valued less than romantic relationships.
Though growing in popularity, the valuing of many different kinds of relationships and families and life paths is still an idea that meets with considerable resistance. A new and important report recently released by the think tank, Family Story, documents the ways in which marriage has come to be privileged and promoted as the ideal family form, even as fewer and fewer people get married or have children.
“The Case Against Marriage Fundamentalism” argues that respect for all of our relationships, families, and life paths is built on four core values.
1. Equality “requires the reduction of social and economic inequality within relationships and between family types, as well as legal equality among different types of families and relationships.”
2. Autonomy “requires making it possible for people to freely choose their relationships and family types—including, but not limited to, marriage—by reducing structural and other barriers that stand in the way.”
3. Interdependence “means acknowledging we are all interconnected and dependent on countless other people (not just ones to whom we are biologically related or with whom we have a legally recognized relationship).”
4. Care “requires acknowledging all the ways that these different forms of relationships are supportive and meaningful, and the positive impact they can have on our lives and well-being.”
Principles of Family, Relationship, and Lifestyle Justice
The conclusion of the report spells out the principles of family justice. They include:
There is no hierarchy; stop saying that certain people, relationships, or families are better than others
“A person’s marital status, relationship status, and living arrangements say nothing about their character or value.”
“Unmarried people should not be treated as less mature, less valuable, or less accomplished than married people.”
“Families and relationships should not be ranked from best to worst based on their structure.”
“Marriage is neither more nor less important than other close adult relationships involving care and commitment.”
There are lots of ways to create a family
“Neither children nor marriage are necessary to create family.”
“Co-residence is not necessary to create relationships of commitment and care.”
People who live in ways that are not normative (or not perceived as normative) deserve respect
“There will always be people who prefer to live alone, to not have children, or otherwise opt to live their lives in ways that are not consistent with whatever the norm is at the time.”
“None of this is a reflection of their self-worth, and they all have a right to equal respect and concern.”
“An adult’s ability to freely choose a particular relationship status or living arrangement should not be restricted or blocked.”
For children, relationship quality matters more than the other factors that get so much attention
“Children do not need to live under the same roof as a same-gender parent (or same-gender role model) for proper development.”
“Children flourish in a variety of family types and living arrangements.”
“Relationship quality is more important than household structure.” (Examples of different household structures include single-parent families and nuclear families. This principle means that having a loving and secure relationship with a parent is more important to children’s well-being than whether they have one parent or two, whether their parents are married, or whether their parents live under the same roof.)
Family Story maintains that the marriage fundamentalists, who believe that “a family composed of a man and a woman in their first marriage is ‘the best’ or ‘ideal’ type of family, especially for children,” have promoted their ideas by distorting and weaponizing social science research. I have spent much of the past two decades critiquing that research and explaining what it really does show. It is good to have other prominent voices joining in.
WHY SOME CHILDREN ARE ORCHIDS AND OTHERS ARE DANDELIONS
W. Thomas Boyce
Many children are able to thrive in any environment, while others may flourish only under the most favorable conditions. New findings reveal the complex interplay of factors that creates “dandelion” and “orchid” kids.
One of the first skills taught to pediatricians and obstetricians is how to assess the physiological condition of a baby in the first few minutes after birth. As a novice physician, this was one of my favorite and most treasured duties—to be the first living soul to survey the condition of a never-before-seen human being, delivered red, squealing, and literally wet behind the ears at the end of a prolonged, critical, and one-way passage.
The formal assessment is done using the Apgar score, named for its inventor, Virginia Apgar, at one and five minutes following birth. Scores range from 0 to 10, the sum of a 0, 1, or 2 assessed in each of five areas of postnatal functioning, arranged into the acronym APGAR: Appearance (the pink or blue color of the body, hands, and feet); Pulse rate; Grimace (the crying or grimacing response to nasal or oral suction, or other stimulation); Activity (the degree and vigor of muscle flexion); and Respiration. Most babies receive scores ranging from 7 to 10. Those with scores below 7 may need more active and rapid stimulation or resuscitation, including a heated bassinet or a suctioning of the airway. For scores less than 4, we might insert a breathing tube to support respiration or even begin external heart compressions.
HOW DO KIDS COPE? To get a sense of how school-age children think about resilience, PT asked a few how they cheer up others or whether they have a go-to strategy for themselves. Their portraits follow.
Orchids and Dandelions
As a pediatrician for more than four decades, I have become vividly aware of the great unevenness—the disproportion—evident in the differences in health and development among individual children from the first moments of life. Even within single families, parents often tell me that all of their children were basically healthy, “except for Sarah,” or Julio, or Jamal. Pediatricians implicitly understand, from simple, day-to-day observation, that some children are inordinately affected by the forces that protect health and those that imperil it. And at the level of the community, we know that, within any given population of children, a small minority—about 20 percent of individuals—will suffer the majority of all illnesses and disorders.
Developmental science has convincingly shown that one of the origins of such differences is children’s early experiences of psychological trauma and adversity. Such experience can impede normal brain development, create obstacles to effective learning, and impair mental and physical health during childhood and over the remaining life course. This is why children growing up in poverty, children who are mistreated by their parents or others, and children exposed to violence within the family or community are all at risk for compromised development, educational achievement, and mental or physical health.
But all children are not equally susceptible to these effects. While some are powerfully affected by trauma, others are able to effectively weather adverse experiences, sustaining few, if any, developmental or health consequences. People tend to view these differences in susceptibility as attributable to an inherent vulnerability or resilience, imagining that some small number of resilient or “unbreakable” children have a special capacity to thrive, even in the face of severe adversity. Our research suggests instead that such variance is attributable not to innate traits but to differences in children’s relative biological susceptibility to the social contexts in which they live and grow, both the negative and the positive.
A majority of children show a kind of biological indifference to experiences of adversity, with stress response circuits in their brains that are minimally reactive to such events. Like dandelions that thrive in almost any environment, such children are mostly unperturbed by the stressors and traumas they confront. We think of them, metaphorically, as dandelion children. A minority of children—about one in five—show an exceptional susceptibility to both negative and positive social contexts, with stress response circuits highly sensitive to adverse events. Like orchids, which require very particular, supportive environments to thrive, these children show an exceptional capacity for succeeding in nurturant, supportive circumstances, but sustain disproportionate numbers of illnesses and problems when raised in stressful, adverse social conditions. We think of these as orchid children.
IVO, 10: “If someone is down, I try to promise them something complex, that takes some effort—and then I do it for them.”Photo by Karjean Levine
Developmental science is increasingly revealing that the relative indifference of dandelion children and the special sensitivity of orchid children to the character of their early environment are likely attributable to the joint effects of genes and social contexts. These epigenetic processes—in which environmental cues regulate the expression of genetic differences—are the likely regulators of children’s differential susceptibility to environmental influences. Recognizing this differential susceptibility is an essential key to understanding the experiences of individual children, to parenting children of differing sensitivities and temperaments effectively, and to fostering the healthy, adaptive capacity of all young people.
Origins of the Types
So, are orchids born that way, or do they become orchids by way of early life experience? Our first hint at an answer came from the very first moments of postnatal life.
What is especially interesting about the Apgar score is the degree to which the things it measures are controlled by the fight-or-flight autonomic nervous system involved in dealing with stress. Each subscore is an indicator of the body’s adaptation to the considerable physical (and possibly emotional) stressors of being born; low scores are a reflection of insufficiently adaptive responses. After all, birth is an extreme and unprecedented experience, and it is such experiences that tell us most about who we are as extensions of our individual biology.
Given that we all begin life by being plunged into an epic stress reactivity experiment, might we not wonder whether the Apgar score could tell us more than just whether we need to have our mouths suctioned or our bodies warmed? If lower scores were reflective of less adaptive, less compensatory fight-or-flight responses, might they also be telling us about a baby’s longer-term proclivity toward maladaptive responses to stress? Could our first extrauterine moments augur something important about our whole life yet to come?
That is exactly what we have found. Careful epidemiologic work by one of my doctoral students and a former postdoctoral fellow has found that in nearly 34,000 children from Manitoba, Canada, five-minute Apgar scores were predictive of teacher-reported developmental vulnerability at age 5 for a variety of developmental dimensions. For example, the teachers of children who had Apgar scores of 7 identified more areas of developmental vulnerability than they did for children with Apgar scores of 9 or 10, and kindergartners who had Apgar scores of 3 or 4 had more reported developmental vulnerabilities than did peers with scores of 6 or 7. (The teachers had no prior knowledge of their students’ Apgar scores.) The vulnerabilities that teachers reported might have included lower competence in following rules or instructions; an inability to sit still and focus; a relative lack of interest in books and reading; or an inability to properly grasp and use a pencil. At each lower step on the Apgar scale, such physical, social, emotional, language, and communication domains of development were all significantly more compromised five years later. Babies entering the world with greater fight-or-flight instability and less capacity for physiological recovery were more developmentally vulnerable.
EDDIE, 12: “To cheer up, I tell myself it’s going to get better; the problem won’t persist.”Photo by Karjean Levine
Nature vs. Nurture
One source of such variation in adaptive stability is surely genetic difference among infants, but genes alone do not make a child an orchid or a dandelion. As work by other researchers has shown, the genetic characteristics of children create their predispositions, but do not necessarily determine their outcomes.
For example, a consortium studying Romanian children raised in horribly negligent, sometimes cruel orphanages under the dictatorship of Nicolae Ceauşescu, before his fall in 1989, discovered that a shorter version of a gene related to the neurotransmitter serotonin produced orchid-like outcomes. Children with this shorter allele (an alternative form of a gene) who remained in the orphanages developed intellectual impairments and extreme maladjustment, while those with the same allele who were adopted into foster families recovered remarkably, in terms of both development and mental health.
Similarly, a team of Dutch researchers studying experimental patterns of children’s financial donations—in response to an emotionally evocative UNICEF video—found that participants with an orchid-like dopamineneurotransmitter gene gave either the most charitable contributions or the least, depending upon whether they were rated securely or insecurely attached to their parents—that is, depending on factors that were not genetic.
We used to think that any trait or feature present at birth was “congenital” and therefore determined by genes or, in ancient terms, fated in the stars. A somewhat more contemporary version of this vision is known as genetic determinism, according to which all of our differences are firmly situated at conception in the merged DNA we inherit from our parents. We can think of this view as the “nature” side of the classic debate of nature versus nurture.
SAHANA, 7: “To cheer myself up, I play with my toys, call over my friends, and tell them jokes.”Photo by Karjean Levine
The Human Genome Project—the ultimate “nature” approach—promised to uncover the “genes for” autism, schizophrenia, heart disease, and cancer. But no such unitary genes or even sets of genes have been elucidated. It is now clear that who we become is not determined by a straightforward, one-to-one route from genes to behavior, or DNA to phenotype—the set of observable characteristics, such as eye color, personality, and behavior, that describe an individual. Our most vaunted, prized, and carefully articulated hypotheses pale in the face of the exquisite complexities of the natural world.
There’s an old pediatric adage that all parents-to-be are environmental determinists until they have a baby in hand, at which point they become genetic determinists. Here is what I mean: Before we have kids, we’re prone to seeing the misbehavior of a child as the product of flawed parenting. That kid throwing a tantrum at the table next to us in a restaurant? It’s obviously the parents’ fault for not controlling him—their nurture hasn’t accomplished what it needed to do. Once we’re responsible for our own felon-in-training, throwing the tantrum in the adjacent airplane seat, we hope that those around us understand that we’ve done our best, but the child came into the world with this temperament. It’s far more comforting to ascribe the behavior of our own noisy or troubling toddler to genes, for which we have only passive responsibility, than to our capacities as parents, for which we are more directly accountable.
In his book Either/Or, Søren Kierkegaard proposed that to fully understand the human condition, we need to dispense with the tendency to perceive the forces that form us as clear-cut dichotomies. Such binary views run counter to the complexities of our true character. Developmental science has in recent decades faced an “either/or” divide: The environmental view has demanded an allegiance to external causes, located within our social and physical contexts, and the genetic view has asserted that internal causes are preeminent, with genomes driving our phenotypes and lives. The positions have emerged as contradictory answers to the fundamental questions, “Why do some get sick and others do not?” and “Why are some so healthy and fulfilled while others are not?” We now know that it is almost never a matter of either/or, but rather both/and.
CALVIN, 9: “When I’m down, I think about things differently and try not to be nervous or stressed.”Photo by Karjean Levine
Unpuzzling Human Disposition
Every human disposition and disorder of mental or physical health depends on an intricate interaction between internal and external causes to take root and advance. The key to understanding human difference and to abating and preventing morbidity will involve a keener knowledge of how genetic difference and environmental variation work together to change biological processes. This approach to “unpuzzling” human nature and wellness brings us closer to understanding what makes orchids and dandelions bloom, wither, or move between these states over the course of a changing life. Both genes and social environments are almost certainly influential for both orchid and dandelion phenotypes, but it is likely the interaction of genes and environments that determine where the kids in my studies ended up on the graphs that we created to chart their behavior and health.
Human infants, even prior to birth, are remarkably and finely attuned to the dynamic features of their environment, first in the womb and later in the nest with which their parents surround them. The brain of the human fetus and newborn is a “black hole” of sensory capacity that can respond to its environment even before consciousness registers it. A newborn unconsciously adapts in the service of “early life programming,” as biological adjustments begin, without awareness, as soon as the brain begins to detect challenges. This early programming enhances the likelihood of short-term survival—at least until the capacity for reproducing comes online in puberty, but it may also have the downside of generating greater risks of chronic adult conditions, such as coronary heart disease, obesity, diabetes, and mental disorders. It is an evolutionary strategy of trading survival in the short run for diminished and less vigorous longevity.
We think that differential susceptibilities to the environment—and thus orchid and dandelion children—emerge in this way. In certain kinds of early social and physical contexts, important benefits to survival and thriving might accrue for children with special, enhanced sensitivities. Children reared in environments of continuous threat and predation, for example, might logically be protected by the vigilance and hawk-eyed attentiveness of orchid sensibilities. Millennia ago, having a few orchidish individuals within a hominid band might have been protective of the group, as attacks from animals and other groups arose. On the other hand, being an orchid might also be of great benefit to those living at the other extreme—in environments of exceptional safety, protection, and abundance. Here, the propensity of orchid children to be open and porous to environmental events and exposures would garner even greater advantages. Most children would thrive in such settings. Orchids would thrive spectacularly.
Outside of these most extreme conditions, however, being a dandelion must surely yield the greatest rewards at the smallest price. Dandelions seem impervious to all but the most virulent of threats and insults. Within the typical ups and downs of human societies, these are the individuals deemed resilient, hardy, and buoyant. Evolution should thus tend to favor a proliferation of orchid phenotypes at the extremes of environmental conditions, while dandelion phenotypes should predominate within the broad middle range of challenges. Sure enough, there is at least preliminary evidence that dandelions are disproportionately represented in settings where neither menaces nor great fortune predominate.
SIERRA, 9: “If I’m down, I think of my favorite things. My friend taught me this song [“My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music], and I sing it to myself.”Photo by Karjean Levine
Marking Our Genes
During a formative, seven-year sojourn in the frigid green wilds of Canada, at the University of British Columbia, I had the good fortune to meet Mike Kobor and Marla Sokolowski. Mike studies the molecular biology of the yeast genome, and Marla is a fly geneticist who discovered the foraging gene (known as for ) in fruit flies and is responsible for the work defining two major behavioral phenotypes in flies (and other species)—”rovers” and “sitters”— determined by DNA sequence differences in that gene.
Mike and Marla share a capacity for broadly envisioning the implications of discoveries in basic animal models for human societies: They discern our civilizations in our genes. We converged under the sponsorship of the Canadian Institute for Advanced Research (CIFAR), forming the Child and Brain Development Program, which Marla and I now co-lead. Our program quickly closed in on the captivating question of how genes and environments, especially environments of adversity and inequality, together produce known individual differences in susceptibility, behavior, health, and disease. The answer has proven key to a provisional understanding of where orchids and dandelions come from.
We have established that genetic variation—differences in the DNA code that makes up individual genes—plays a role in the genesis of orchid and dandelion children. Although many genes likely contribute to the phenotypes, those involved in brain development and function are almost certainly implicated. The expression of genes involved in emotion regulationand behavioral control, for example— features that are highly salient in orchids and dandelions—govern neurotransmitter communications among individual neurons.
But early environmental experiences undoubtedly play an additional role, especially exposure to adversity and threat and experiences of family or community support and nurture. Emerging science suggests that genes and environments contribute to the emergence of orchids and dandelions, additively and interactively, but until recently we had no real idea of how this interaction actually took place. The field that has now flooded this enigmatic landscape with new light is epigenetics, the science of how environmental exposures can modify gene expression without altering the DNA sequence of the gene itself. The Greek prefix epi—meaning “upon” or “above”—connotes how the epigenome, a lattice of chemical “marks” or tags, literally lies upon the genome and controls the expression or silencing of DNA.
KARSON, 6: “To cheer people up, I say to them, ‘Don’t worry, everything will be all right.'”Photo by Karjean Levine
Every type of cell we possess—blood, liver, lung, skin, brain—contains precisely the same genome, the same collection of genes with the same DNA sequences, half from our mothers and half from our fathers. The only way that the 200 or so different human cell types, each with a different structure and different functions, could be made from a single genome is if the functioning of our 25,000 genes could be independently controlled. That’s how the epigenome comes into play in embryonic development. Stem cells can become kidney cells or white blood cells only through the programmed, epigenetic regulation of those thousands of genes. Once a stem cell is differentiated—say, into a white blood cell—the functioning of that cell can also be adjusted (again, epigenetically) to accommodate or adapt to the conditions with which the cell or the whole organism is contending. For example, a child facing a seriously stressful environment might need to change white blood cells’ rate of division (increasing the number of available immune cells), the cells’ responsiveness to stress hormones (sensitizing them to the effects of cortisol), or their production of the molecules initiating and governing inflammation (such as the chemical messengers called cytokines).
So, the epigenome has two major functions: It regulates the differentiation of cells into their various types and tissues, and it facilitates an adjustment of cell function to respond to the conditions at hand. It does both of these by regulating the epigenetic chemical tags that attach to the genome, turning up or turning down the expression of the thousands of genes in each cell. It is a great and agile improviser.
Pianos and Equalizers
Think of the genome and epigenome like this: Your genes are the keys on a piano; each plays a distinctive note. But while a piano has just 88 white and black keys, your genome houses around 25,000 individual genes, making it thousands of times more complex. In the first kind of epigenetic regulation—cell differentiation—these keys can be played in different combinations, sequences, and timings to create a whole variety of different tunes—200 different ones, for each of the different types of cells in a human body. One corresponds to the production of neurons, another to white blood cells, yet another to skin cells, and so on.
Once cells are differentiated on this magnificent piano, the epigenome is then used for a second kind of process: the adjustment of cell function to the conditions the organism is encountering. Here, the epigenome serves as an “equalizer” that adjusts each cell’s functions, changing the way its tune sounds, like the levers on an audio equalizer adjusting the balance between sound frequency ranges to emphasize treble or bass notes. Although each type of cell always plays the same tune—a white blood cell will stay a white blood cell—the way that the cell functions can be adaptively adjusted to suit specific circumstances.
MILEVA, 7: “When I need cheering up, I snug with my stuffed animals.”Photo by Karjean Levine
For example, the body of a child encountering a major early life stressor, like maltreatment, might automatically adjust the functioning of many different cell types in order to adapt as well as possible to the experience. Adrenal gland cells might be called upon to produce more cortisol; nerve cells could activate the fight-or-flight system; white blood cells could respond to any physical injuries; and brain cells might dampen the child’s emotional response. And these would be only four adjustments among probably hundreds occurring at the same time.
Just as biobehavioral phenotypes, like orchid and dandelion children, are likely influenced by DNA sequence variations in many genes, it is probably also true that the effects of early experience on these phenotypes involve many epigenetic changes within multiple genes. Just which genes are different in sequence and where the epigenetic marks occur is still being worked out, for orchid versus dandelion, introvert versus extrovert, predispositions to depression versus predilections for joy, and other human differences.
What we now know with some certainty, however, is that most variation in human character, nature, and health will eventually be attributable to an interactive combination of differences in the DNA sequences of multiple genes, along with experience-driven differences in the epigenetic marks that shape the expression, or decoding, of multiple genes. What is wickedly complex in the number of variations involved is elegantly simple in design: Genes and experience interactively affect human destiny, and the epigenome is the physical link between a gene and its environment. You can think of human life as the song that issues from the epigenetic piano and its equalizer, the result of a complex compositional process shaped by both genes and environments. Each person is predisposed to play certain types of scores, like those of the orchid or the dandelion, but there is abundant space for unique variation and improvisation.
These are hard times for children, and so for parents. There has been a sea change in the nature of childhood over the last decade or two, one that makes it harder for children to learn the basic lessons of the human heart and one that ups the ante for parents who used to pass these lessons on to the children they love. Parents have to be smarter about teaching their children basic emotional and social lessons.
Before I became a father, I had spent nearly twenty years working in the field of developmental psychology, studying the emotional lives of children. But it was not until our daughter arrived that I began to truly understand the realities of a parent-child relationship. I had no idea of the intensity of feeling I would have for my child, or how thrilled I would be when she learned new things, or how much attention and patience it would require. And I remembered how dangerous the world can be, and I felt vulnerable because losing her would mean losing everything.
As a Jew whose parents escaped Austria during the Holocaust, I had respected the efforts of other theorists who rejected authoritarianism as a way to raise morally healthy children. They proposed that the family operate as a democracy and that children and parents act as rational, equal partners. My years of investigation into family dynamics began to yield new evidence that emotional interactions between parent and child would have an even greater impact on a child’s long-term well-being.
That greater impact on long-term well-being results in building a child’s emotional intelligence, which is important because, more than IQ, emotional intelligence seems to determine success in life. The ability to understand other people and work with them is critical to success in modern work life. It is also critical in relationships, and we know that having successful friendships and romantic relationships confers enormous benefits in health, wealth, happiness, longevity, and the success of one’s children.
Emotional intelligence informs Emotion Coaching as a parenting method
When it comes to parenting and emotional intelligence, there are two groups of parents that are so very different when it comes to the world of emotions. Emotion Dismissing parents are action-oriented, and don’t want to become emotional, and they see this as potentially destructive in themselves and in their children. Emotion Coaching parents are the opposite: accepting of emotions and explore emotions in themselves and others.
In our research, we found that the effects of these two approaches were dramatic. The children of the two kinds of parents were on totally different life trajectories. And when it came to divorced families with children, I was also surprised that emotion coaching buffered children from almost all the negative effects of their parents divorcing. Two kids with the same IQ starting at age 4 would have entirely different educational achievement at age 8 if their parents were emotion coaching, all mediated through differences in attentional abilities.
Even more powerful is that these results all appear to be cross-culturally universal.
Emotional intelligence in parenting begins with the self
What turns out to be really wonderful about our results is that, with emotional intelligence, one needs to begin with one’s self. It is important to understand one’s own feelings about emotions, and to learn that self-understanding comes from recognizing one’s own feelings. Emotions are our internal “GPS” through life. Opening up our own emotional world and being emotional is where we need to start, and it confers huge gifts.
Yet being emotional doesn’t mean you aren’t rational. The two often seem in opposition—emotional reactions versus logical responses. But you can have both. As a parent, you can also be emotional with your child—not abusive (which would be the opposite of emotional intelligence), but emotional. You can be angry, hurt, disappointed, tense, frustrated, and so on. This seems inevitable in parenting, and if you model a positive approach to handling your own emotions, your child will likely notice.
And you can let your child know that their anger is okay with you, that you can understand their anger. But you can also tell them that when they say that they “hate” you, this really hurts your feelings and it makes you not want to be around them.
Parents do not have to take abuse from their kids, and as part of teaching emotional intelligence, it’s okay to let children know when they are being hurtful or abusive, too. If you model an emotional yet respectful response to something like “I hate you,” children will pick up on that kind of response. They’ll know that what they are saying is actually hurtful. They’ll begin to understand how it makes you feel, which then can inform how they emotionally handle other relationships in their lives.
Our evidence shows that emotion coaching begins in the way parents interact with their babies. Babies can understand language long before they can talk. As early as ten months of age, emotion coaching parents are narrating their children’s play, asking them questions, communicating empathy, and giving reasons for saying “yes” or “no.” This has major consequences for the baby’s development, as does a positive relationship between parents. We even have a workshop called Bringing Baby Home that helps couples with the transition to parenthood so that their relationship is strong and models positive emotional behavior for children.
But it’s also never too late to become an emotion coaching parent. I have had parents start with adult children and say that they have been close to their kids for the very first time, ever. Emotional intelligence is not a static trait—it can be cultivated and learned at any point in life, by anyone, to their benefit and the benefit of those they interact with.
Here’s how it can start: one of the most powerful gifts you can give your child is an admission that you made a mistake, and apologizing and asking for forgiveness confers respect to the child. The child learns that it is okay to make a mistake and correct it. The child learns that it is possible to repair interaction. And the child feels that their emotions are respected and that you, instead of being authoritative, are capable of being an emotional equal.
Most importantly, the child learns that one can be loved without being perfect. That feeling of unconditional love, of being able to repair negative interactions, of being mindful of your own emotions and those around you—that’s a wonderful foundation upon which any child, with their parents’ guidance, can build a fulfilling and successful life.
I’m sitting by the fireplace watching the flames make patterns as if dancing to some silent music which only they can hear. l cannot help but replay the day’s events. Today l had an extraordinary chance to show love. It was a moment filled with sadness and joy at the same time.
l went in a certain restaurant for lunch because l just felt the need to have a complete meal. Seated in front of me was an elderly couple, perhaps in their late 70’s or early 80’s. Their food was already served but what caught my attention is the gentleman.
He seemed very hungry but couldn’t get his food into his mouth for some reason. It appeared as if his hand and brain were not coordinating. He tried hard but each time his folk missed his mouth. Aware of my gaze, his wife said to me, “He’s so hungry.” Her eyes filled with compassion and helplessness.
I kindly asked if l could join them and they accepted. I offered to help feed the man but he was too embarrassed to accept. l then introduced myself a little more which helped break the ice. Finally l started feeding him, he had a good appetite and ate to the last spoon.
They told me his medications do that to him on regular basis. l couldn’t help but wonder how safe we all are with the pharmaceutical giants legally distributing medications with such side effects. Anyway to cut the story short. l offered to pray for them which they gladly accepted.
We also exchanged phone numbers as they insisted right before they left. I honestly believe that in order to live a meaningful life, one must help enrich the lives of others. For the value of a life is measured by the lives it touches. Those who choose to be happy must help others find happiness.
For the welfare of each is bound up by the welfare of all. It is the power of collectivity, none of us truly wins until we all win. Learn this secret as you move forward with your life. When you do good, you achieve the best.
It is important to love one another, for that is how the soul of the universe is brought into our world. It is how the vast energy of all that is brought into the being of each one of us. It is how the soul’s infinity is focused here in our lives. To love is to experience the mystery of the soul with our being.
There is a greater image that would have us love one another thus. It is the image for which the soul reaches out, from which it had created us, and with which we are creating in our greater reality.
Perhaps when l am 80 years old someone will show me some kindness too. The love l felt and still feel for that precious couple is priceless. We all need to love and care for one another because we’re all sailing in the same ship. When all else fails, love will forever prevail.
l love you all, please pass some love and kindness whenever you can.
30 HONEST LIFE TRUTHS YOU MUST KNOW BEFORE HITTING 30
Hitting the big 3-0 is
a monumental step for anyone. Are you equipped with the essential life lessons
to make it in the next decade of your life?
Let that little
factoid sink in for a moment…
The transition from
your 20’s to your 30’s will not come in predictable increments. Instead, you’ll
wake up one day, look in the mirror, and realize, “I’m in my 30’s.” It will
feel as if time flew by in the blink of an eye, and you feel as if you’re in a
different path. The lessons you learn won’t suddenly come rushing into your
head like a tidal wave of wisdom. Instead, you’ll feel a few slight changes
from how you perceived things when you were in your teens and 20’s.
30 life truths you
need in your 30’s
If you feel as if your
30’s are drawing near and you haven’t learned enough, here’s a refresher
course. Below are 30 life truths everyone should know by the age of 30:
#1 Your body won’t be
as fit and strong as you once were. Your metabolism slows down as you age, so you
can’t stay as fit as you used to be without a little elbow grease.
#2 Your 20’s will
catch up with you, so be prepared. All the cheap booze, cigarettes, bad sleeping habits and even
worse eating habits will catch up with you someday. Turn an unhealthy lifestyle
around before it causes irreparable damage to your body.
#3 It’s the perfect
time to invest in classic pieces in your wardrobe. Your 20’s are the time for fashion exploration
or keeping up with the trends. In your 30’s, appropriate work clothes and a
respectable wardrobe are more important.
#4 It’s now comfort
over fashion when it comes to clothes and shoes. The shoes that pinch your feet or that
too-tight shirt can make way for more practical pieces. Sure, some of them may
look dowdy, but they’re way more comfortable!
#5 Kids can be your
greatest joy and your greatest pain. No matter what your kids do, you will always find it in your
heart to love and forgive them.
#6 Everyone needs
passion in their lives. Whether it’s geeking out over a video game or harboring an
intense love for an author, your passion gives you that added zest for life.
#7 Experiences will
make you happier than possessions. The joy of getting new things fades over time. Experiences
like an out of town trip or a long meaningful conversation, on the other hand,
allow you to cherish those memories time and again.
#8 Staying at a job
you hate isn’t worth it. If you’re getting no fulfillment in your job, get out and open
yourself up to new employment options. Wasting your time in a job you despise
will only wreak havoc on your mind and body.
#9 Your plans won’t
always make it to fruition. The plans you had when you were in your 20’s will eventually
change according to who you’re turning out to be. Let it happen.
#10 Some good things
happen by luck, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t improve your chances. You’re lucky if you get your big break
by chance. But remember, you also need to work on your craft in order to be
celebrated in your field.
#11 Learning never
stops. Every single day can
be a learning experience. You may think you’re learning something irrelevant
today, but you never know when you might be able to use this information.
#12 The journey matters as much as, if not more than, the destination. Let’s use an analogy: When you were back in high school, were you more concerned about the lessons you learned and the friends you made or the piece of paper they give you when it’s over?
#13 You’ll change and
not everyone will like it. Our younger selves would have been devastated to know that
someone doesn’t like us. As you move forward in life, you’ll realize that it’s
not your job to please everyone.
#14 Some things are
worth waiting for, and it’s up to you to find out what those things are. It can be anything from the man or woman
of your dreams to that job vacancy you’ve been waiting for. The thing is, only
YOU can determine how much time you’re willing to wait for them.
#15 The past should not
dictate your future. You don’t wear
your mistakes and your failures on your sleeves. Not everyone will know, and
not everyone will care. Don’t let a dark past extend its stain into your
#16 It’s okay to
switch role models. You
may have idolized Lady Gaga, Beyonce or Barney Stinson in your 20’s because
they’re who you wanted to be. But when you’re in your 30’s you may be surprised
that your role model can be your parent, a historical figure or even a
#17 Your debts can
haunt your future. Unpaid credit
card debts, bank loans and student loans will affect your credit score. This
will greatly affect your credibility when you need to borrow money in the
#18 Everyone needs
simple pleasures. It’s important
to have that easy to do pick-me-up habit to get you through a particularly
stressful day. Whether it’s cuddling with your pet or having a slice of pie,
these little pleasures can give you the added boost you need to keep on going.
#19 You must learn to
embrace change to move forward. Things will change around you, whether you notice it or
not. Your key to embracing it is your ability to adapt and your willingness to
#20 Kindness and
compassion mean more than intelligence and riches. People will remember you more for the
kindness than for your clever quips or for those times you picked up their tab
at the bar.
#21 You will lose
friends along the way, and that’s okay! New jobs, spouses, kids and hobbies often cause friends to
drift apart. You don’t have to move heaven and earth to remain as close as you
once was. Instead, learn to let it go and form new friendships.
#22 You must love your
parents while they are still here. They won’t be there to guide you forever. Reconnect with them,
get to know them a little deeper, and most of all, learn from the wisdom they
can still give.
#23 A sincere apology
can mend a huge rift. No matter how
late your apology is, the impact can still be big enough to restore your
relationship to how it once was.
#24 Nothing feels
lighter on the soul than forgiveness. You don’t necessarily have to forget; but once you’ve
forgiven someone, you can slowly let go of the weight their wrongdoing has
borne upon you.
#25 Bad relationships
are there to learn from. Don’t
beat yourself up for being in a bad relationship. Learn from the experience and
pinpoint the warning signs so they never happen again.
#26 You can’t always
keep your promises, but work hard to keep them anyway. In order to avoid the awkward situation
of breaking a promise, be careful whom you make promises to.
#27 Love isn’t always
enough. In your relationships,
you may realize that no matter how much you love a person, there may be other
bigger things than can prevent you from having a future together.
#28 Intelligence is
contagious. Surround yourself with those who are smarter than you. We learn more from the people
surrounding us than we think. Mental stimulation in the form of intelligent
conversations can be one of the most fulfilling life experiences.
#29 Kindness can be
found in the most unlikely places. Boo Radley and the Good Samaritan are great examples of this.
Don’t let someone’s culture or appearance make you think that they’re not
capable of kindness.
#30 30 isn’t “old.” There’s that dread many 20-somethings
feel when they’re nearing 30. It won’t come as a barrage of stray grey hairs
and wrinkles. You can look and feel as fresh and as fit as you were in your
20’s but you’ll be armed with a lot more knowledge! Embrace your 30’s!
Life is all about
learning in all its different forms. The things you knew in your teens, 20’s,
30’s and 40’s will change in time. And within these changes are the life truths
you will learn at your own pace, in your own way. Embrace your 30’s as it
approaches, and don’t forget to take these life lessons with you!
WHY DOES DATING GET HARDER WHEN YOU REACH YOUR 20’S?
You’re older and wiser. You know what you want from life. You
want a relationship, but there’s none in sight. Why is dating so hard in your
Dating through high school and college is one of the most
challenging experiences. These periods mark the beginnings of love, trust, sex
and heartbreak that shape the way your future-self deals with relationships for
years to come. You’re finally out of school with your new adult job, and things
are going great, but there are no romantic prospects in sight. What happened?
There are many emotional and situational difficulties in finding
a mate as you get older. Not only has the world changed since you took a break
from the dating world, but your priorities have changed, and now it seems like
you’re destined to be single forever.
Reasons why dating gets harder as you get older
We’re looking at 10 reasons dating gets harder from 20 onward,
and what you can do about it!
#1 You’ve become set in your ways. It’s true. The
older we get, the more stubborn we become about what we do and do not like.
Working through college-age relationships, while frustrating and sometimes
emotionally crippling, also taught you exactly what you’re looking for in a
mate, as well as all those little flaws you’re simply too old and too wise to put
up with now.
However, it also causes you to become slightly jaded and less
open to new types of people. Like it or not, you’ve become “old” and set in
your ways, and not even Mr. Right can seem to break your stance.
#2 You have more emotional baggage. When you’re a
teenager, you feel like your whole life is ahead of you. Love is blissful, life
is free, people are genuine, and you have all the naivety in the world. It’s
that same naivety that gives you the balls to trust in love and continue
putting yourself through relationship torture for years and years. It is also
during this time in our lives that we begin to develop emotional baggage.
Suddenly the way our first love hurt us sets the pattern for how
we handle future relationships. By the time we’ve hit our mid-20s, 30s and 40s,
our emotional and physical baggage only grows, and if you’re dating within your
age range, then that would mean your potential partner has some baggage of
their own, creating a sticky situation for your future relationship.
#3 It’s way harder to meet people. Ironically, once
you’ve matured and feel like you’re finally ready for a serious relationship,
there seems to be no avenue to find one! Once you’re outside of high school and
college, your dating pool seems to shrink drastically.
The simplicity of taking a chance with that cute girl in class
has now turned into you trolling the gym or your workplace for someone to date.
This only gets harder as you get older, as you’re not exactly keen to go
clubbing for potential partners when you have a 7AM meeting.
#4 You’ve gotten too used to casual dating. On the flip side,
perhaps you’ve spent a little *too* much time in the dating world, and not
enough time in the world of relationships to remember how to do it. As silly as
it sounds, sometimes jumping into a relationship isn’t as easy as riding a
bike, if you haven’t done it for a while.
After 3 years with my serious long term boyfriend, I suddenly
felt like I had no clue how “kids” these days were
pursuing each other. This can be incredibly discouraging to those trying to
jump back into the dating pool, but don’t give up! It may
be hard, but it sure isn’t impossible.
#5 It’s harder to meet someone with your goals. The fabulous thing
about getting older is that you only become surer of what you want out of life.
The only bad side? It becomes harder to meet someone who shares your life goals
after college, especially when life becomes tangled with demanding jobs,
children from a previous relationship, ex-wives and husbands, and other
#6 It’s awkward approaching someone new. While you realize
you’re not in elementary school any longer, the thought of approaching someone
new with the thoughts of dating can sometimes be overwhelming. This may be
easier when you are still in your 20s. However when you hit your 30s, 40s, and
50s, the thought of approaching a stranger for a date becomes as uncomfortable
a thought as approaching a child on your first day of school and asking: “Want
to be friends?”
#7 Someone else has had a chance to shape your potential
mate. Your potential new mate has already had a handful of
relationships, and may even be divorced or separated, meaning they’ve had
dozens of opportunities for someone else to shape their likes, dislikes, intuition,
trust, and everything else in between.
This doesn’t mean your potential mate has entered a “no-go”
zone. It is simply a fact of life. Still, you can’t deny how awesome it would
be to have someone at least a little impressionable to roll in the hay with.
#8 Social media and cell phones have ruined our social
capabilities. This is especially true of those in their 20s. The hard fact is
that while technology has created a fun, diverse, and explorative spin on the
current world we live in, it has also drowned our abilities to properly
Phone call, anyone? Instead, youths today would rather
communicate impersonally via text message than actually get to hear their new
crush’s voice. Ever seen a couple on a date at a restaurant, yet both of them are
glued to their cell phones? Point taken.
#9 Looks have faded. You’re not getting any younger. A
ridiculous thought for those in their 20s, but true for the rest. Don’t deny
checking yourself out in the mirror studying your face at the sleep line that
takes just *that* much longer to go away than it used to, or that one gray hair
that seemed to have five friends attend its funeral.
When you’re young, shallow as it is, you feel like you can skate
by on your looks to at least hook in your man and eventually make him see how
awesome your personality is, too. The same goes for younger guys who subsist on
beer and ramen noodles, and still look like they jumped out of a Chippendale’s
ad. Now you may be finding you’re working your magic the other way around.
#10 The good ones are taken. This applies to
most generations after 20. It seems all the good, cute guys who still have
hair, or the smart, attractive women without children are already committed to
Don’t sweat the small stuff when it comes to finding
relationships in your later years. You may be set in your ways, but you know
what you want, and when you do find that special someone, they’re going to be
of the highest quality, because you won’t accept any less.
Try not to dwell too much on the negatives when it comes to aging and meeting people. The process may be a little more difficult than when you were in your teens, but the result of a mature, loving relationship is totally worth the struggle.
By the time you hit your 20s, 30s, 40s and so on, finding that one guy or gal whom you can spend the rest of your life with may be tougher. But don’t lose hope! Someone out there may be thinking the exact same thing as they wait for your opportunity to meet to finally arise!
INSECURITY HURTS YOUR MARRIAGE. HERE’S WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
the end of my college career, I applied to an internship that I had been
dreaming about, working toward, and planning on for four years. I knew it was
competitive, but everything my professors, peers, and bosses said to me made it
clear that I would be getting that internship. “You’re a shoo-in for this job!”
they would say to me.
But the rejection email came, and it deflated me. I was depressed.
It was clear that I had placed my self-worth on my abilities as a writer and
editor. The rejection was a message from certified experts: You are not good
My depression didn’t get to dangerous proportions, but I did
struggle with motivation and energy. I would come home, sit on the couch, and
do nothing until bed. My husband was a champ through it all, but that summer
wasn’t great for our marriage. He did all the giving, and I did all the taking.
All because my self-esteem took a major hit.
Insecurity isn’t good for marriage.
Whether it’s personal insecurity or insecurity about the relationship,
individuals need confidence for their marriages to thrive.
To keep your insecurities from hurting your marriage, recognize
the ways insecurities can do damage, meet your spouse halfway, recognize when
insecurity is more than just a feeling, and try a couple of practical
Recognize how your insecurities may be hurting your
When you’re insecure, it can be tempting to think “This just
affects me.” But the truth is that how you feel about yourself affects your spouse
and your relationship. Here are some signs that your insecurities are hurting
You struggle to fully trust your
spouse. This keeps you from being totally open and honest in your
You believe and act on your negative
thoughts about yourself. Let’s say you tell yourself
you’re boring often enough that you start to believe it. Next thing you know,
you prove yourself right. “It’s not that you are not allowed to judge
yourself,” says Caleb Backe, health and
wellness expert at Maple Holistics. “Do it, but remember as you do it to be a
wise advisor, not a vicious tyrant.”
You compare yourself to your spouse’s
exes. Never a good idea, especially since none of those relationships
Your spouse constantly has to
reassure you. There’s nothing wrong with needing reassurance now and
then, but if you constantly need validation, that’s a sign your insecurities
are getting the best of you. There’s a feeling of distance in your
relationship. If you’re not communicating about your insecurities, your spouse
will pick up on that, whether consciously or not.
You read too much into what your
spouse says. “You begin to read into the words of your partner in a way
that reinforces the insecurities you are feeling,” says Dr. Kelsey M.
Latimer, PhD, CEDS-S, assistant director of operations
for Center for Discovery. “The focus of the relationship becomes about proving
the feelings the person has rather than enjoying the time.”
Meet your spouse in the middle
Sometimes insecurities come because you’re afraid your spouse
doesn’t appreciate the ways in which you differ. Maybe you’re fun-loving and
adventure-seeking, and you worry that your spouse doesn’t think you’re serious
enough. This discrepancy requires you to talk with your spouse and determine
how you can meet each other halfway.
halfway” means the two of you meet weekly to discuss your finances, and then
afterward you get to pick a zany restaurant to try out. But in the compromise,
realize that being carefree doesn’t make you less desirable—it just makes
Realize when insecurity is more than just a feeling
Let’s say you’ve noticed people aren’t laughing at your jokes as
much as they used to. It would be natural to feel a little insecure about your
sense of humor. You have the choice to use that feeling of insecurity to do a
little self-reflection. “Sometimes, those feelings
are guides,” says Gail Grace, LCSW.
Maybe you’re making it up, and your insecurity is telling you that
you need to be a little kinder to yourself. Maybe people aren’t laughing at
your jokes because your humor has crossed the line from witty to rude, which
just isn’t like you. In this case, your insecurity is telling you that you
might have some bitterness you need to work through.
The same goes for insecurity about your marriage. Maybe your
insecurity is a reflection of something you need to work on personally. Or
maybe you and your spouse have an obstacle that’s keeping you from trusting
each other. In either case, it’s a good idea to communicate your feelings to
your spouse and work through it together.
Try these exercises:
“It requires more attentional effort to disengage from a
negative thought process than a neutral one,”
says cognitive therapist Jennice Vilhauer, PhD. So it might take a formal
exercise to overcome your insecurities. Here’s the exercise Vilhauer suggests:
Each night right before you go to sleep, write down three things
you liked about yourself that day.
Read the list before you get out of bed the next morning.
Add three items to the list each night.
Repeat this sequence every day for 30 days.
“This simple-to-do but nonetheless effortful exercise essentially
helps you build the strength to disengage from any negative thought stream,”
she explains. “But remember: There is no benefit to your mental health in
just understanding how the exercise works, just as there is no
benefit to your physical health in knowing how to use a treadmill. The benefit
comes from the doing.”
How do you get to the point where you can feel happy for someone
else without comparing their successes to yours (or to your failures)? Charlie
Houpert, founder of the YouTube channel Charisma on Command, tells the story of
how after he and his girlfriend broke up, he couldn’t help but compare himself
to the guys he was sure she was hanging out with. He wasn’t happy she had moved
on so fast, and he sure wasn’t happy for the (imagined) guys that got to spend
time with her.
He went to see a therapist, and this is the three-step exercise
the therapist recommended for when you are feeling jealous or insecure:
Interrupt your thought pattern with an eye scramble. Hum a
simple tune like “Happy Birthday to You” and move your eyes back and forth to
the rhythm. This will get you to a neutral place.
Feed yourself whatever you need. Chances are that, whatever
you’re feeling—less-than, abandoned, disrespected—you need to feel loved. Look
at yourself in a mirror (or imagine looking at yourself in a mirror) and say,
“I love you exactly as you are.” You might feel goofy because you’re talking to
yourself, but it will get you in a better mood. And the more you say this to
yourself, the more you’ll believe it.
Extend that unconditional love to the person you least want to
extend it to. In Houpert’s story, he tried to imagine his girlfriend happy with
someone else and feel happy for her. Then he imagined the guy she was with and
was happy for him because the guy was with someone Houpert knew was so great.
After extending that love, come back to the present. Rather than comparing, now
you get to “look around you and see all the happiness in the world, and you get
to partake in it,” Houpert says.
Becoming secure in yourself and your relationship will heal and
strengthen your marriage. To overcome your insecurities, recognize the ways
insecurities can do damage, meet your spouse halfway, recognize when insecurity
is more than just a feeling, and try practical exercises for overcoming
insecurity. Next time you face a difficulty, you and your marriage will be
ready for it.