16 TINY STORIES OF REGRET THAT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU LIVE
Ten years from now, it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of clothes you wore. What will matter is how you lived, how you loved, and what you learned along the way.
Deep down you know this already, right?
Yet today, just like the majority of us, you are easily distracted and derailed by the insignificant.
You give too much of your time to meaningless time-wasters.
5 GREAT REMINDERS THAT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK
“This morning, nearly five years after my husband’s passing, a beautiful couple and their three kids knocked on my front door. The man smiled and said, “Your husband was my heart donor. He saved my life. Not a single day has gone by that I don’t pray for him and think of you. Thank you!”
This is the opening paragraph right out of an email I recently received from a course student named Colleen (I’m sharing this with her permission). She goes on to admit that she couldn’t see any positive sides of her husband’s death, until she was staring at them on her door step. “It doesn’t necessarily make things easier, but it certainly changed the way I think. I feel like a small piece of my broken heart has healed.”
And the truth is, it happens just like that. Although Colleen’s experience is unique, and somewhat extreme, at some point life slaps all of us with a good reminder that shifts our perspective. Personally, I have been slapped with several of these reminders over the years. And today, I want to pass a few of them along to you…
THE COST OF UNEXPRESSED NEEDS IN FINDING LOVE
If you have an anxious attachment style, you may have experiences that make you feel like a burden in close relationships, so you hide your needs. Unfortunately, this positive intention backfires. You end up feeling resentful for always giving and never getting. Then you get angry and start fights. Even over the little things.
One of the best ways to improve your relationships is to recognize and honor your relationship needs.
Now, this doesn’t mean calling your partner 20 times in an hour. This means understanding that if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs for intimacy, emotional availability, and security, then you’re going to be unhappy.
5 WAYS TO START OVER AFTER THE ABUSE HAS ENDED
Betrayed by the abuse of the one person you trusted with every aspect of your life, you wonder if the day will ever come when forgiveness will replace the pain. These concepts can help you forgive your husband as well as heal in the process.
Marriage is one of life’s most sacred relationships. It’s built on love, trust and the promise of “till death do you part.” But when you’re betrayed by the abuse of the one person you trusted with every aspect of your life, you wonder if the day will ever come when forgiveness will replace the pain and the devastation you’ve suffered at the hand of your husband.
Forgiveness is choosing to release yourself from the pain, bitterness and shame of the past in order to live a happier, healthier life now. It in no way excuses the wrong you endured or requires you to stay in an unsafe situation. It does, however, have the power to reshape your perspective, your life and your marriage, and it now places that very power in your own hands.
WHAT I WISH ABUSED WOMEN UNDERSTOOD
As a therapist, I’ve worked with dozens of abused women and children. Here is what I want abused women to understand.
I’m a therapist who has worked with women, children, even abusers, in domestic violence and abuse (DVA) situations. These are never easy families to work with. Often I walk away from sessions feeling hopeless, and scared for the victims’ safety — but not for the reason that you think.
I don’t feel that hopelessness because the situation truly has no solution. And I don’t feel this way because the abuser really has all the power.
HOW TO REPAIR THE LITTLE THINGS SO THEY DON’T BECOME BIG THINGS
All couples argue. Happy couples argue well. They have strategies for dealing with their inevitable disagreements, and they process their feelings so they don’t bottle up.
We know from Dr. Gottman’s research that both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only 9% of the time. This leaves 91% of our relationship ripe for miscommunication.
The difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t make mistakes. We all hurt our partner’s feelings. The difference is that happy couples repair, and they do so early and often.
THE 3 REASONS YOU SHOULD NOT TRY TO MAKE ANYONE HAPPY
We are shoveling mulch like our lives depend upon it.
My three kids are loading wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow, and I’m hauling and dumping and spreading and sweating. Eventually, my nine-year-old son Quinn asks a completely reasonable question. “Why are we going so fast?” I tell him I want the flower beds to look beautiful when his mom gets home. To which he responds with another totally reasonable question: “Because you are trying make her happy?”
The word “exactly” is on the tip of my tongue. But then I bite my tongue.
ONE PERSPECTIVE SHIFT YOU NEED WHEN YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE
My body sometimes feels sore, but it works. I haven’t slept well in a few nights, but I have been waking up in one piece. My wallet is not full, but my stomach is. I don’t have all the things I’ve ever wanted, but I do have everything I need right now. I’m thankful, because although my life is by no means perfect, it is MY life and I choose to be thankful in it, as I continue to do the best I can.
To a certain extent, I’m sure you can relate.
For all of us, every day, it’s about keeping things in perspective and then letting our perspective inspire the next step forward.
WHY COUPLES STOP HAVING SEX: THE PARADOX OF YES IN SAYING NO
Sexual desire is leaving the American bedroom faster than a Kansas tornado will rip apart a house.
Long-term relationships, far too often, experience a dwindling sex life. “Experts” often blame the coals of passion on women; their vanishing libido post-marriage. Their keen focus on raising the little ones while ignoring the man next to them.
The lack of female desire is a profitable industry. Thousands of books, full of “theories” on why women lose desire, fill bookstores. Meanwhile drug companies with pills like Addyi are “closing the gap” with a Viagra like pill for women.
8 THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN EVERYTHING GOES WRONG
“The best way out is always through.”
“Today, I’m sitting in my hospital bed waiting to have both my breasts removed. But in a strange way I feel like the lucky one. Up until now I have had no health problems. I’m a 69-year-old woman in the last room at the end of the hall before the pediatric division of the hospital begins. Over the past few hours I have watched dozens of cancer patients being wheeled by in wheelchairs and rolling beds. None of these patients could be a day older than 17.”
That’s an entry from my grandmother’s journal, dated 9/16/1977. I photocopied it and pinned it to my bulletin board about a decade ago. It’s still there today, and it continues to remind me that there is always, always, always something to be thankful for. And that no matter how good or bad I have it, I must wake up each day thankful for my life, because someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.
Truth be told, happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles. Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost. Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.