DATING MYTHBUSTERS: YOU’LL FIND LOVE IF YOU STOP LOOKING
Is it true?
If you have been single for a while you are bound to get advice from family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances alike. There is nothing like a single person to bring out the relationship expert in us all. The trouble is, there is a lot of bad advice out there. This advice is often built around myths that have come to be culturally accepted and more widespread than personal data collected on a popular social media app.
One of the more common dating myths is that you will find someone when you stop looking for a relationship. This could not be farther from the truth. Here is why:
DATING MYTHBUSTERS: THERE IS A BETTER HALF OUT THERE FOR YOU
Does your “better half” exist?
We hear it all of the time. “I am ready to meet my better half?” “You are so lucky that you have found your better half!” “When are you going to settle down with your better half?” This turn of phrase has been used so many times that it has become the way we describe our partners or potential partners. So people everywhere are out there searching for this “better half”. You know, the one person whose presence in your life will not only make you feel complete but will also do so by being BETTER than you are. Wait…WHAT?!
The mere notion that there is a better half out there for you implies that you are not complete on your own. To be happy, you need another person to share your life with who will magically transform your lack luster existence into a life of bliss. The problem is, this will never work! Here’s why:
DON’T BE AFRAID TO DO THESE 10 HARD THINGS FOR YOURSELF
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
This morning a close neighborhood friend, Alison, passed away far too early. While Angel and I have spent most of the day grieving, I’ve also spent this past hour thinking about the fact that our lives are often much shorter than we expect, and that we need to do some pretty darn hard things to maximize our very limited time. Alison strongly believed in doing the hard yet necessary things in life—we talked about this topic on several occasions, and she never backed down from a challenge. So today, I want to reflect on this with you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you absolutely need to do hard things to be happy in the long run. Because the hard things ultimately build you up and change your life. They make the difference between existing and living, between knowing the path and walking it, between a lifetime of empty promises and one filled with more possibility and progress.
You know this is true, so…
7 STEPS TO HEAL A BROKEN HEART
“Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” is not just a hit song from the 1960s, it is a fact. Anyone who has gone through a break up knows that a broken heart can be difficult to mend. This universal emotional response to the sudden, unexpected or unwanted loss of love is often characterized by an intense longing, hurt and/or desire for an ex or unrequited love. And it can hurt like hell. For some, it feels like their whole world is caving in on them. And in many cases, because the pain is so great and the path to mending it seems so daunting, people avoid healing their broken heart. This avoidance can lead to many unwanted side effects including but not limited to greater internal conflict, complicated emotional responses, withdrawal and difficulty in future relationships.
So, how do you heal a broken heart? Here are a few tips I have picked up in my training, clinical experiences and late night calls with girlfriends and family members.
Take Your Time
10 REASONS YOU MAY BE STUCK IN AN UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIP
Stephen J Betchen
A fear of change often prevents people from ending a destructive relationship.
Goethe wrote: “Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow.” A client—who was in a miserable and unworkable relationship—decided to stay and suffer rather than make a change. His reasoning was, “I’d rather live with the devil I know than the devil I don’t know.” In response I asked him: “How do you know you will end up with another devil?” He said, “Why take a chance.” This individual’s stance is all too common. Most people seek psychotherapy to ease their pain but are reluctant to exert the effort required to do so. These individuals weigh the of price of change unfavorably against the gain it may bring. Because clinicians cannot offer any guarantee of success people are reluctant to risk their status no matter how dysfunctional. To shed some light on this issue, I offer 10 reasons people often remain stuck in an unhappy or destructive relationship:
1. To avoid anxiety. When we make a change, we usually experience at least a modicum of anxiety about our future. Self-doubt may flood us: Am I making a big mistake? Will I miss my old life? While there is rarely a guarantee that all will end well, our dynamic will most likely remain the same or worsen if we do nothing.
SEEING BEYOND DEPRESSION
There’s new evidence that depression is not just a disorder of the mind—and blood tests for signs of inflammation promise treatment options precisely tailored to each patient’s needs.
I was a young doctor in 1990 when I met a patient with rheumatoid arthritis. Mrs. P told me quietly but in no uncertain terms that she ticked all the boxes for a diagnosis of co-occurring depression
. When I reported this to the senior physician in charge of her case, he said: “Well, you would too, wouldn’t you?” and changed the subject. He meant that her mood was obviously a reasonable reflection on her current state of disability and a future of inexorably deteriorating health
and mobility. Mrs. P was “understandably” depressed because she was thinking about, and ruminating on, what it meant to have an inflammatory disorder. And so there was nothing we physicians could do about it. It was a matter of the mind, not of the body—the province of psychiatry
Mrs. P’s symptoms, which were intimately interconnected in her lived experience of arthritis, were split apart by doctors into mental and physical symptoms. Having diagnostically divided Mrs. P in two, we proceeded to treat her physical disease—her swollen joints—in completely different and disconnected way from her mental illness—her depression and fatigue. We used the medical language of immune cells to treat her inflammation, and a different team of doctors, in a different hospital, used the language of serotonin and psychotherapy to treat her depression.
12 SIGNS IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LET GO
The renowned psychologist Carl Rogers noted that people are often unhappy because of a lack of congruence in their lives, which is another way of saying momentary complexity blinds us to the simple solutions of life. For Rogers, simply sitting with a patient and having them talk through their problems, without the therapist leading them or making judgments or giving advice, was the best way for them to let go of their problems. Rogers determined that when you give a person a safe and supportive space to think through things, they tend to do so more effectively.
Right now, I want to give you a safe and supportive space to think, so you can let go of any extra baggage that’s been weighing you down. Try this: pause for a second to notice what’s going on in your body. Are your jaw muscles clenched? Are your shoulders or neck tightened? Do you notice a part of your body holding on to tension—perhaps tension fueled by something you’re subconsciously worried about?
Most of us are holding tension in our bodies and stress in our minds, whether we realize it or not.
60 GET-TO-KNOW-YOU QUESTIONS FOR A NEW ROMANCE
Want to get to know your new lover a lot better? Use these 60 revealing get-to-know-you questions to get to know everything you need to know.
Relationships are all about compatibility.
Even if there’s a lot of infatuation and sexual tension to start with, all it takes is a few wrong likes and dislikes to fall apart.
For a relationship to be successful, both the partners can have different likes and dislikes, but their principles towards life and their approach towards the future have to be the same.
If one of you likes working hard while the other person lives for the moment, it is bound to leave one of you with a few moments of repressed anger.
JEALOUS BOYFRIEND – 10 WAYS TO MAKE HIM NOT-SO-JEALOUS
Having a hard time dealing with a jealous boyfriend? If you’re sure your boyfriend is a keeper, here are 10 steps to change him from jealous to not-so-jealous.
Dealing with a jealous boyfriend is rather difficult.
And it’s actually a lot easier to just walk away from the relationship in the first place, instead of constantly having to remind him how much you love him.
But on the other hand, you may be misinterpreting his insecurity as jealousy.
And it’s not easy to tell the difference.
THE HARDEST THING YOU NEED TO REMEMBER WHEN EVERYTHING GOES WRONG
In our office, there’s a framed entry from Marc’s grandmother’s journal, dated September 16, 1977. It reads:
“Today I’m sitting in my hospital bed waiting to have both my breasts removed. But in a strange way, I feel like the lucky one. Until now I have had no health problems. I’m a sixty-nine-year-old woman in the last room at the end of the hall before the pediatric division of the hospital begins. Over the past few hours I have watched dozens of cancer patients being wheeled by in wheelchairs and rolling beds. None of these patients could be a day older than seventeen.”
This journal entry is displayed in our office because it continues to remind us that there is always, always something to be thankful for. And that no matter how good or bad we have it, we must wake up each day thankful for our lives, because someone, somewhere is desperately fighting for theirs.