THE 3 PHASES OF LOVE
What do you do if you love your partner, but you are no longer in love with your partner? Does the feeling of love transform or change over time?
In my book Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love, I explain the three natural phases of love. While being in love is a very complex experience, my research has identified choice points when love may either progress to a deeper place, or deteriorate.
Phase 1: Falling in Love – Limerence
In 1979, Dorothy Tennov coined the term “limerence” for the first stage of love, characterized by physical symptoms (flushing, trembling, palpitations), excitement, intrusive thinking, obsession, fantasy, sexual excitement, and the fear of rejection.
21 ROMANTIC TEXTS THAT’LL MAKE YOUR HUSBAND CRAZY FOR YOU
What man wouldn’t love one of these?
Showing love to your husband doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant. A simple text can go a long way.
Words of love and affirmation are vital to a healthy relationship. Your husband wants to know that he is an important part of your life. (And he definitely doesn’t mind getting a flirty, romantic message at work to help him through the day.)
THE DEATH OF LOVE ISN’T NATURAL: THE 7 STEPS TO SEPARATION
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source, it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds, it dies of weariness, of witherings, or tarnishings, but never a natural death.” – Anais Nin
Marriages rarely end overnight. They tend to unravel over time, in ways that are now fairly predictable thanks to research by Dr. John Gottman. In 1986 Dr. Gottman and his colleagues built a Love Lab to learn the secrets of lasting love and understand why love dies.
By studying couples for over 40 years, Dr. Gottman could predict with a 90% accuracy which marriage would fail, and which would succeed. These are the factors he found most often contribute to the dissolution of a marriage:
NEGATIVE EMOTIONS OFFER OPPORTUNITIES FOR CONNECTION
When I work with couples, it’s not uncommon for one partner to say, “I can’t handle my partner’s anger,” or “Her crying overwhelms me, I don’t know what to do.”
The other partner expresses, “He never listens to me,” or “She never cares about my life.”
The problem here is that an emotionally dismissive response blocks emotional connection, and over time, erodes trust, the foundation of a happy and positive relationship.
AFTER CHEATING: RESTORING RELATIONSHIP TRUST
After so many lies and secrets, can trust ever be restored?
How do you define infidelity? Does looking at porn count as cheating? What about webcam sex? If you play around on hookup apps but never actually hook up in person, are you cheating? If you’re chatting with an old flame on social media, is that a form of infidelity? What about playing virtual-reality sex games?
Do you think that you and your partner might have different ideas about the behaviors that do and don’t qualify as infidelity? With all of the uncertainty about what does and does not qualify as cheating, it’s high time we had a universal, digital-era definition. And here it is, as it appears in my book, Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating:
6 TELLTALE SIGNS OF THE MOST TOXIC RELATIONSHIP OF ALL
When our intimacy button differs from our partner, we are bound to enter into the “perfect storm” that prevents both parties from getting what they want. It’s like starting a weight loss program that entails eating big macs and supersized french fries five times a day. Good luck with that…
In one of the most psychologically recognized toxic relationships, one partner craves intimacy while the other becomes uncomfortable when things get close.
I used to be an Anxious Attachment type. Or as society would label me – needy. As a result, I tended to attract Avoidants because my intense expression of emotional intimacy supplemented their own suppression of emotional intimacy.
8 SILENT WAYS YOUR HUBBY IS SCREAMING ‘I LOVE YOU!’
In a man’s world, love is spoken through actions — and you’re probably missing half of them.
Husbands get a bad rap for their inability to express themselves, especially when it comes to saying those three simple words: “I love you.” Your husband may tell you he loves you as he’s leaving for work or before he says good night, but sudden, spur-of-the-moment expressions of his most inner romantic feelings are not something a man shares on a regular basis. Believe it or not, sharing delicate emotions just isn’t a common characteristic of the average male.
Wives, don’t let your husbands’ lack of words discourage you. While words are very important, expressions of love aren’t always given aloud. When your hubby’s lips are silent, he screams “I love you” in the things he does for you. Some of his actions are easy to dismiss because they are small and simple, but when you look at them from his perspective, you’ll see the sacrifice he’s really making. Here are eight ways your husband is screaming he loves you – and you might be missing them.
AN ALWAYS HAPPY RELATIONSHIP IS A DOOMED RELATIONSHIP
A relationship pattern that ends in heartbreak is founded on deception and lack of emotional connection. Deception is birthed from the scar that taught us that revealing our true needs only causes more unpleasant conflict.
When we cut out this part of ourselves, we do so under the belief that maintaining good feelings in the relationship will keep the relationship. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. When our goal is to make our relationship feel good, then the relationship will fail to make both partners feel good.
How Conflict Avoidance Creates Misery
At first, dismissing conflict seems to be a great idea. Problems are avoided and swept under the rug, and the couple seems to move on. But eventually, these problems start sticking together. Like a snowball rolling down a hill, the problems pick up speed, and the issues seem to be much bigger than they actually are.
GOOD RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT ACCIDENTS
After studying more than 3,000 couples in his Love Lab over the last four decades, Dr. John Gottman has discovered that the most important issue in marriage is trust.
Can I trust you to be there for me when I’m upset?
Can I trust you to choose me over your friends?
Can I trust you to respect me?