GETTING RID OF SEXUAL INSECURITY FOR A BETTER SEX LIFE
Danielle Anne Suleik
Whether you think you know too little or too much about sex, insecurity can sometimes settle in. Here’s how you can get rid of it.
Dating someone with more sexual experience than you can be both a blessing and a curse. The upside is that your partner has the knowledge and means necessary to give you a pleasurable experience in the bedroom. The downside is that you are more likely to question the source of their prowess and whether you can live up to the standards that they present in the relationship.
Sex is an integral part of most relationships. While a lot of people would rather wait until after they’re married, those that do venture into the unknown realms of intimacy are still faced with obstacles that prevent them from enjoying sex with their partners.
One of these problems is their insecurity towards their partner’s sexual experiences and the act in general. What makes a person insecure? Why do people feel bad when faced with the prospect of being found as sexually inept? Why is it such a big deal?
What makes people insecure in bed?
There are several factors that can contribute to a person’s sexual insecurity, but most of them are commonplace and can be experienced by any person, no matter how many people they’ve slept with.
#1 Self-perception. It is generally understood that men and women have a few complaints about their bodies. When they allow their flaws to consume them, their sex lives are directly affected. When you don’t accept your body, you become less comfortable in the bedroom once your clothes start to come off.
Signs of Insecurity: Wanting to turn the lights off while having sex, not wanting to take their clothes off and always adjusting themselves, in order to avoid exposure of certain parts of their bodies.
#2 Genitalia. Men are more interested in looking at their penises than women are with their vaginas. For one thing, directly looking at your own vagina is extremely difficult unless you’re a contortionist. On the other hand, women are just as interested in looking at their breasts in the mirror. If neither is content with what they have, they can start to lose confidence once these body parts are exposed. Apart from that, they can become conscious about the smell and taste as well.
Signs of Insecurity: Refusing oral sex, immediate penetration without foreplay and comparing their organs to past partners’.
#3 Having too many sexual partners. No one can tell you how many partners are too many, but people seem to have a predisposed assumption that there is a number out there that can be counted as too many. If a person thinks this way, they consider the number of partners a person has had as a standard. When that happens, a person can become insecure if they think their partner has slept with too many people or if they did as well.
Signs of Insecurity: Refusing to discuss past partners, asking about their partner’s sexual history too much and keeping count of all sexual encounters on an actual list.
#4 Not having enough sexual partners. This happens when a person puts too much value on the number of people someone sleeps with. They consider it as a prize rather than a cause for concern. This type of insecurity can lead a person to act promiscuously or they can resent their partner because they have had more sex.
Signs of Insecurity: Judging their partner for the number of partners they’ve had, trying to increase the number of people they sleep with and always comparing themselves to their partner’s exes.
#5 Amount of expression in the bedroom. Sometimes, having a lot of experience in bed can be a good thing, but it can sometimes make a partner insecure. They will wonder where you learned to do certain things, and they will also question the source of your confidence in the bedroom.
Signs of Insecurity: Asking where you learned to do a certain thing in bed and then getting upset about it, fixating on your partner and their ex’s sexual activities and trying to overcompensate by doing something they’re uncomfortable with in the bedroom.
#6 Willingness to try new things. They say that having a healthy sexual relationship means having the drive to experiment and try new things. This is all well and good, if it suits a couple. When someone refuses to explore their sexuality because they’re not sure how their partner will react, it means that they are harboring feelings of insecurity towards their ability to communicate about sex with their partner.
Signs of Insecurity: Jumping the gun and attempting new things in the bedroom without discussing it with their partner, talking about experimenting but never going through with it, and cheating just to get a fetish out of the way.
Almost anyone can be guilty of having insecurities in the bedroom and that’s normal. Sex is a very intimate act that can be done with any consenting adult, but doing it right means trusting yourself and your partner enough to go through with it.
If these insecurities are holding you back, you cannot begin to assume that your sex life is going as smooth as possible. If you can’t have enough freedom to enjoy yourself while having sex without being insecure about it, how can you ever achieve the satisfaction that you’re aiming for?
How to get rid of these insecurities?
The best way to get rid of all these insecurities is to develop a healthy dose of trust within your relationship. You need to be confident enough to ask your partner the tough questions, accept their answers wholeheartedly and not judge them on their choices. The best you can hope for is that they will respect your input on the matter and not judge you as well.
If you don’t know how to tackle the subject, here’s what you can do:
#1 Schedule time to talk about sex. It’s not exactly something that you can talk about while cruising the grocery aisle, so you should make arrangements to talk to your partner in privacy, and when they’re in the mood. If the opportunity doesn’t present itself, try talking to your partner before you have sex or before you go to sleep.
#2 List the things you want to discuss. Sex is a touchy subject and the more insecure you are, the more reluctant you are to broach the subject. Once you get past that, you might be nervous and you may forget the things you wanted to say. That’s why it’s good to have a list. You don’t need to take it out during the conversation. Just use it to gather your thoughts before you talk to your partner.
#3 Be open-minded. It’s going to be difficult for someone who’s admittedly insecure, but it can be done. In order to do this, you can imagine different scenarios of the conversation – both positive and negative. Think of possible answers to the questions you’re about to ask, and brace yourself when these answers are said. This way, you’ll know how to face anything no matter what comes up during the conversation.
#4 Do not judge your partner. No matter what your partner says, take a beat and think about it before replying. You don’t want to end up hurting them if you answer too rashly. Some things may upset you, but it’s better to voice your opinions on it in a calm manner.
After letting your thoughts out, make sure that you find a way to be okay with whatever it is they did in the past. They’re with you now. There’s no sense in rehashing old memories to punish them for something that they did when you weren’t in their life yet.
#5 Ask them not to judge you. I’m not going to say that if your partner really loved you, they’ll accept you for who you are. That’s not true. We are human and we react the way we’ve been conditioned to.
In order to avoid upsetting your partner, ask them first not to judge you. Reassure them that your past may help define who you are, but it is not completely what they should expect from you in the present or in the future.
If you manage to do all these things, you may be able to get through your conversation smoothly. The best thing about being able to talk like this is that the trust that you already share will be solidified more. Expressing yourselves to one another helps with learning and accepting each other’s past.
Your happiness does not lie on sex alone, but it does help if you can get over your insecurities about it. No matter what path you choose, don’t engage in sexual intimacy if you can’t handle the insecurity. This will only lead to heartbreak and hurting the person you love.
Be honest and try your best to get through both your insecurities, because the one thing that’s more important than sex is finding the person who is willing to overlook everything about your past and loving you more for it.