Why Couples Stop Having Sex: The Paradox Of Yes In Saying No

WHY COUPLES STOP HAVING SEX: THE PARADOX OF YES IN SAYING NO

Kyle Benson

Sexual desire is leaving the American bedroom faster than a Kansas tornado will rip apart a house.

Long-term relationships, far too often, experience a dwindling sex life. “Experts” often blame the coals of passion on women; their vanishing libido post-marriage. Their keen focus on raising the little ones while ignoring the man next to them.

The lack of female desire is a profitable industry. Thousands of books, full of “theories” on why women lose desire, fill bookstores. Meanwhile drug companies with pills like Addyi are “closing the gap” with a Viagra like pill for women.

But can a pill really put women in the mood?

I don’t think so.

Whispering desires of sex

The problem is that women (and men) need to feel safe to explore their sexuality. The last thing they need is to feel criticized for saying, “not tonight.” Being human is complex, especially with waves of emotions and desires crashing into our bodies. Being in a relationship is even more complicated; it requires two people to work with each other’s shifting emotional realities, both together and individually.

Far too often, I see a resentful woman with little sexual desire for her partner, married to a resentful man for her lack of desire. For a couple to have sex often, neither partner should meet the other’s “no” with rejection, anger or withdrawal.

Neglecting your partner your love, an emotional connection, or physical contact for saying “no” to sex will make saying “no” easier the next time. Ironically, the partner who was rejected by their partner must offer a positive response back to their partner. This is the paradox of sex in committed relationships.

Let’s Play This Out In Two Scenarios

Meet Chris. Chris loves Lacey. Chris understands that he needs to accept Lacey refusing to have sex tonight, but in his mind that doesn’t make it okay.

A ring does not guarantee sex

He believes the wedding band on her finger means her body is his right. He believes that her refusal denies him the thing he feels entitled to. So Chris tries to convince Lacey again and again, hoping his next attempt will “push her over the edge.”

Unfortunately, the sexual edge he is pushing her over is not a healthy edge. If she has sex with him, it’s because he couldn’t accept her “no.” This leaves her to resent him. While their genitals may be fornicating, the love and connection in both of them is numb.

If Chris can’t convince her to change her mind, he starts to act like a sad puppy. He sulks, whines, and may even bite her with criticism. He might even ignore her altogether.

Whatever happens, his negative response to her “no” is punishing Lacey. The subcontext of his actions are sending the following message: “It’s not okay for you to say no. It’s not okay for you to be your own person with a desire that doesn’t match mine.”

Obviously, none of this is going to put Lacey in the mood.

In fact, it will do the exact opposite. It will escalate the tension and resentment between them. It will reduce her desire to have sex the next time he asks.

Over time, Lacey turns into a sexually dormant women. She is emotionally blocking her erotic nature by the wall of her resentment.

Let’s Explore an Alternative Reality

As Lacey turns down Chris for sex, Chris accepts it. Just like that. He doesn’t hold a grudge or make up a theory that she is cheating on him. He doesn’t view sex as a right or an expectation he deserves when he wants it. Sex, for both partners, is a choice made every single day. It is not a mandatory obligation.

For example:

Lacey: “Not tonight. I feel sick from dinner.”
Chris. “I’m sorry, babe. I hate that feeling. It makes me not want to do anything either. I love you.”
Chris’s caring response is a far cry from the traditional “you always feel sick” complaint.

This caring response is far more effective. Receiving a positive response from Chris for turning down sex does not cause Lacey to say “no” more often in the future. His actions reinforce that he loves Lacey despite not getting what he wants.

His words remind her at her core that their sex life is about making love, not increasing the frequency just so Chris can release his sexual tension. To her, saying “no” lead to Chris making her feel loved.

Sex becomes more frequent in a relationship of loving responses. It cultivates trust and togetherness, leading to more erotic and passionate lovemaking.

Whether we realize it or not, we constantly rate our relationships. We value our partner’s responses in every single exchange we have. We are constantly reinforcing or amending the “story of us.”

According to John Gottman’s research, it has to be okay, even rewarding, for either partner to refuse sex.

Paradoxically, this leads to more sex. Many people find this confusing. I know I did. But relationships are complicated. That’s what makes them beautiful. They require understanding and working together.

For couples who are coping with a decline in a desire, how could your relationship change if you allowed each other to be as you are?

If you make it more than okay for either of you to say, “not tonight,” there will be many more nights when both of you will say “YES.” Female Viagra isn’t needed to fix low desire; just the pill of understanding and empathy.

Three Steps to Help the Rejected Not Feel Rejected

  1. Don’t take the “no” personally. Realize that a lack of a sexual desire for you isn’t all about you. Stresses from work, health issues, and general exhaustion drain us from having the energy to get it on. For most couples, I recommend using an arousal scale. It allows partners to realize that desire can be different among partners at the same time, but doesn’t mean that the relationship is any less passionate. It just means you’re not getting it on tonight.
  2. The Curiosity of Rejection. If you become angry, frustrated, or resent your partner, become curious as to why. Why is being told no to sex once such a big deal to you? Sex and love are full of private meanings. In my early twenties, sexual rejection meant I was inadequate and unworthy of love. Sex was validation for my self-worth, not a mutual act of appreciation and love.
  3. The Mirror of Reflection. If this rejection bothers you, ask yourself how this reflects on you. On your relationship. Recall the happy moments in your relationship to help cope with the feeling of rejection. Realize that your partner doesn’t want to hurt you and is merely telling you how they feel. Their behavior has little to do with you and more to do with them; just as your behavior and feelings have more to do with you than your partner. Reflect, ponder, and get to know yourself better.

Sex requires communication, understanding, and appreciation, even when things are not the way we want. Love is about loving your partner unconditionally, with or without your genitals touching.

How to Keep a Guy Interested: 30 Effortlessly Easy and Sexy Ways

HOW TO KEEP A GUY INTERESTED: 30 EFFORTLESSLY EASY AND SEXY WAYS

Team Lovepanky

Want to know how to keep a guy interested in you no matter what? Here are 30 sexy ways to make yourself dreamy and desirable in your man’s eyes.

Many girls may assume that guys are fickle and have a low interest span.

But in reality, guys are no different from girls when it comes to staying happy in a relationship.

Guys, just like girls, love novelty.

And they always want to be with a girl who’s desirable, and one that’s envied by other girls and desired by other guys.

Do you want to be that girl?

How to keep a guy interested

To keep a guy interested in you, you just need to remember a few ways to keep his interest aroused and his desire in you peaked.

Here are 30 sexy ways to do just that!

Use these tips on how to keep a guy interested in you, and you’d see how easy it can be to make him want you all the time.

#1 Be spontaneous. Shock him, awe him, make plans for the evening or plan an entire elaborate date by yourself. Surprise him and never be too predictable.

#2 Don’t change yourself. Stay true to the real person that you are. Don’t change yourself constantly assuming he doesn’t like your personality. Be creative, but stick to your comfort zone.

#3 Take initiatives in bed. Your guy may like taking control in bed, but when you dominate him and show off your confidence, he can’t help but be awed by your confidence and sexiness in bed.

#4 Smell great all the time. Always smell great around him but don’t overpower subtle fragrances with sickly sweet perfumes though. Always smell good, and pay special attention to your personal hygiene and body odor.

#5 Awe his friends. Men are competitive. As long as he thinks he has the best girl in his social circle, he’ll always cling to you and want to be with you. Awe his friends and make them think you’re a great girl, and you’ve done a great job.

#6 Learn to seduce him. Seduction doesn’t stop in bed. Be sexy around him and be creative wherever you go.

#7 Show interest in his hobbies. A guy would absolutely love a girl who shows interest in his special hobbies, be it playing on his Xbox or climbing a mountain. Men want to spend their lives with a woman who truly understands them and connects to them.

#8 Don’t be a drama queen. It’s alright to throw a fussy fit now and then if your guy disrespects you. But no matter what, don’t exaggerate a situation or blow it out of proportion just to prove a point. Guys can see through the acts of even the best drama queens.

#9 Be his shoulder to lean on. Give him your strength and support when he’s low on morale. Reassure him and help him confide his problems to you. Be his confidant and his warm pillow when he’s in the dumps and he’ll treat you like a goddess.

#10 Be his arm candy. Look good in his arms when both of you are together. Get a new hairstyle now and then, look fashionable and classy and he’ll never want you to leave his arms.

#11 Be financially secure. Be in control of your finances and have a well settled job. Guys love a girl with a steady head on her shoulders. At the same time, they stay a mile away from careless spendthrifts!

#12 Have intelligent conversations. A guy may want an arm candy when he’s on the streets, but he also wants a lover who can communicate with him and have intelligent conversations at the end of the day.

#13 Win over his family. Guys are attached to their families and a few guys are even loyal mama’s boys. Make his family and friends think you’re a catch and he’ll definitely love you more.

#14 Help him deal with life. Men may behave like the saviors of the world. But inside, they’re still little boys who need a cuddle and a hug now and then. Help your man deal with the issues life throws at him.

#15 Public display of affection. Your man may shy away from a bit of PDA, but he still loves it when you cling to his arms like a damsel in distress. It makes him feel more powerful and sexy!

#16 Stroke his ego. If you want to keep your guy interested and happy, learn to stroke his ego. Compliment his achievements and give him a pat on his back when he’s proud of something. Make him feel like a man and he’ll stay your man.

#17 Be independent and dependent. Confused? Be dependent when you’re with him. Be independent when you’re by yourself. It’ll make him feel more like a man when you’re around without really feeling like you’re needy when he’s busy doing something else.

#18 Be happy and interesting. Be interesting and creative with your life. See the happy side in everything, even in the most mundane of days. When you’re an optimist, your infectious happiness will definitely rub on to him.

#19 Don’t make him feel insecure. Flirt with others and talk to men, but never at the cost of his insecurity. When he’s around, hug him close and he’ll swell with affection for you.

#20 Don’t be easily available. Spend time with him, but don’t be ready for him at his beck and call. Be there for him, but make him miss you when you aren’t around.

#21 Be smart and sassy. Don’t ask stupid questions. Guys may like a dumb bimbette at first, but they’re not looking for a long term relationship with them.

#22 Don’t be clingy and needy. Guys like a damsel who needs their help. But that stops once the infatuation period is over. Show him that you’re self reliant and he’ll always look for ways to help you and please you.

#23 Be sexually innovative. Know your moves in bed and everywhere else. Have sex in different places, role play with him, wear an apron and nothing else while cooking something special, tie his hands to the bedpost… You get the drift, don’t you?

#24 Be a good cook. No matter what people say, the adage, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach still holds good.

#25 Learn to think like a guy. Guys and girls don’t always think along the same lines. Learn to think like him and his eyes will well up with happy tears to have the love of a woman so special.

#26 Don’t ever be a pushover. Don’t be the submissive wife. You don’t need to sit at his feet to earn his respect and love. Instead, be opinionated and throw him around when he throws his weight around you.

#27 Whip him when he can’t behave. Treat him like a spoilt child when he doesn’t behave. Ignore his childish behavior or scold him when he behaves like a slob. Be unpredictable and rude when he misbehaves, and he’ll fear you and respect you at the same time.

#28 Make him proud of you. Guys may be shallow at first sight, but they still want a girl they can respect and admire. Be an achiever and a girl he can look up to in awe.

#29 Respect yourself. You’re not a doormat. Let him know that you have the strength to move on if he does something stupid or treats you badly. Always make it look like you’re the biggest prize he’s won. You don’t have to call yourself a prize in front of him, but show it to him by ignoring him or pushing him out of the bedroom when he misbehaves.

#30 Make him dependent on you. As long as he thinks he can’t live without you or if he feels helpless without you, he’ll always stay interested in you.

Pick the traits you can use and you’ll see how easy it can be to keep a guy interested in you. But never let him use you or treat you like a pushover. And don’t think twice about punishing him or putting him in his place when he doesn’t treat you right.

Earn his respect and love. And let him earn yours. Treat him with love and affection, but only if he deserves it. After all, as long as he fears losing a catch like yourself, he’ll never put a toe out of line, would he?

These 30 ways on how to keep a guy interested in you will work perfectly, just as long as you remember that everything in love has to be mutual. Make him treat you right, and show him how special and nice you can be if you choose to!

5 Signs You’re Addicted and 15 Ways to Get Over Porn!

addicted to porn

5 SIGNS YOU’RE ADDICTED AND 15 WAYS TO GET OVER PORN!

Team LovePanky

Having trouble with your porn addiction? Use these 15 tips on how to stop watching porn and get your life back in order by dealing with the addiction.

Do you hate the amount of time you spend watching porn every day?

Watching porn isn’t wrong if you’re old enough.

And it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

But if you feel like it’s taking away a lot of your time and you’re left frustrated as soon as you finish the deed, here’s what you need to do to get your furious hands under control and wean yourself off the habit over time.

Read more

18 Critical Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

unhealthy relationship signs

18 CRITICAL SIGNS OF AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Natalia Avdeeva

Even the healthiest of relationships could start to turn bad over time. Use these 18 unhealthy relationship signs to decipher your own love life.

A healthy relationship is every couple’s fairytale storyline.

After all, all of us want our love lives to be filled with bliss and happiness.

But other than a lucky few, most couples lose their way along marital or relationship bliss and end up taking the unhealthy path towards bad romance.

It’s quite sad really, because as lovers, your partner and you do try to make the relationship work.

You may try hard to understand each other and communicate with each other.

Read more

How to End an Affair and Get Over It Completely

how to end an affair

HOW TO END AN AFFAIR AND GET OVER IT COMPLETELY

Team LovePanky

Even the best of us can go astray and tread into the wrong path. Are you ready to walk away from an affair? Find out how to end an affair and get over it.

Knowing how to end an affair just isn’t easy.

You may feel guilty about it, but like an addiction that’s hard to resist, an affair can control your life and eventually dominate it and tear it apart.

Wanting to end an affair is the first step, and it is the right one.

If you’re determined to end an affair, we’ll tell you how to go about it the right way.

Read more

To Cheat or Not to Cheat? – A Guide to Make Up Your Mind

to cheat or not to cheat

TO CHEAT OR NOT TO CHEAT? – A GUIDE TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Alina Andrew

Temptations are all around us, and it’s easy to have a sneaky moment without getting caught. To cheat or not to cheat, we’ve heard that before. But what should you really do?

To cheat or not to cheat, that is a pretty big question.

But as a matter of fact, it’s not a question at all.

It’s a nagging thought that crawls into your conscience each time you’re presented with an opportunity to get into someone else’s bed.

So should you cheat?

Read more

Affairs in a Marriage and the Big Role of Egos in It

affairs in a marriage

AFFAIRS IN A MARRIAGE AND THE BIG ROLE OF EGOS IN IT

Team LovePanky

Affairs in a marriage are heart shattering, but are you upset about the heartbreak or are you furious because you’re a loser who was kept in the dark?

Talking about affairs and the way they change lives is sensitive and subjective.

Affairs happen for many reasons, but they have to end someday. It has to end in a relationship or end up breaking one.

They always have repercussions.

No matter how tiny the spark of infidelity is or how big, it always leaves a scar.

After an affair, some relationships bloom and get better. And some others, well they just wither and die.

Read more

Should You Confess to Cheating on Your Partner?

confess to cheating

SHOULD YOU CONFESS TO CHEATING ON YOUR PARTNER?

Team LovePanky

At times, we’re all faced with life altering questions and we’re lost for answers. If you ever find yourself cheating, should you confess to cheating on your partner?

Making up your mind on whether to confess or not is one of the most disturbing phases in a relationship.

Well, of course, so is getting into an affair in the first place.

But let’s not pretend like we’re all angels here.

Having an affair is inevitable, and it can happen even to the most loyal of partners.

Read more

20 Sexual Problems in a Relationship You Can Avoid

sexual problems in a relationship

20 SEXUAL PROBLEMS IN A RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN AVOID

Jana Snow

Sexual intimacy is just as important as love in a happy romance. Watch out for these 20 common sexual problems that can damage your relationship.

Most couples assume that true love is all it takes to hold a romantic relationship together forever.

But in reality, a happy romantic relationship or a marriage needs more than just love.

It needs a healthy dose of sexual intimacy too!

Love could help both of you live together comfortably in each other’s company.

But if you want your relationship to feel exciting, passionate and memorable every single day, you definitely need to focus on sexual intimacy just as much as you indulge in romantic gestures.

Read more

Getting Rid of Sexual Insecurity for a Better Sex Life

Getting Rid of Sexual Insecurity for a Better Sex Life

GETTING RID OF SEXUAL INSECURITY FOR A BETTER SEX LIFE

Danielle Anne Suleik

Whether you think you know too little or too much about sex, insecurity can sometimes settle in. Here’s how you can get rid of it.

Dating someone with more sexual experience than you can be both a blessing and a curse. The upside is that your partner has the knowledge and means necessary to give you a pleasurable experience in the bedroom. The downside is that you are more likely to question the source of their prowess and whether you can live up to the standards that they present in the relationship.

Sex is an integral part of most relationships. While a lot of people would rather wait until after they’re married, those that do venture into the unknown realms of intimacy are still faced with obstacles that prevent them from enjoying sex with their partners.

One of these problems is their insecurity towards their partner’s sexual experiences and the act in general. What makes a person insecure? Why do people feel bad when faced with the prospect of being found as sexually inept? Why is it such a big deal?

What makes people insecure in bed?

There are several factors that can contribute to a person’s sexual insecurity, but most of them are commonplace and can be experienced by any person, no matter how many people they’ve slept with.

#1 Self-perception. It is generally understood that men and women have a few complaints about their bodies. When they allow their flaws to consume them, their sex lives are directly affected. When you don’t accept your body, you become less comfortable in the bedroom once your clothes start to come off.

Signs of Insecurity: Wanting to turn the lights off while having sex, not wanting to take their clothes off and always adjusting themselves, in order to avoid exposure of certain parts of their bodies.

#2 Genitalia. Men are more interested in looking at their penises than women are with their vaginas. For one thing, directly looking at your own vagina is extremely difficult unless you’re a contortionist. On the other hand, women are just as interested in looking at their breasts in the mirror. If neither is content with what they have, they can start to lose confidence once these body parts are exposed. Apart from that, they can become conscious about the smell and taste as well.

Signs of Insecurity: Refusing oral sex, immediate penetration without foreplay and comparing their organs to past partners’.

#3 Having too many sexual partners. No one can tell you how many partners are too many, but people seem to have a predisposed assumption that there is a number out there that can be counted as too many. If a person thinks this way, they consider the number of partners a person has had as a standard. When that happens, a person can become insecure if they think their partner has slept with too many people or if they did as well.

Signs of Insecurity: Refusing to discuss past partners, asking about their partner’s sexual history too much and keeping count of all sexual encounters on an actual list.

#4 Not having enough sexual partners. This happens when a person puts too much value on the number of people someone sleeps with. They consider it as a prize rather than a cause for concern. This type of insecurity can lead a person to act promiscuously or they can resent their partner because they have had more sex.

Signs of Insecurity: Judging their partner for the number of partners they’ve had, trying to increase the number of people they sleep with and always comparing themselves to their partner’s exes.

#5 Amount of expression in the bedroom. Sometimes, having a lot of experience in bed can be a good thing, but it can sometimes make a partner insecure. They will wonder where you learned to do certain things, and they will also question the source of your confidence in the bedroom.

Signs of Insecurity: Asking where you learned to do a certain thing in bed and then getting upset about it, fixating on your partner and their ex’s sexual activities and trying to overcompensate by doing something they’re uncomfortable with in the bedroom.

#6 Willingness to try new things. They say that having a healthy sexual relationship means having the drive to experiment and try new things. This is all well and good, if it suits a couple. When someone refuses to explore their sexuality because they’re not sure how their partner will react, it means that they are harboring feelings of insecurity towards their ability to communicate about sex with their partner.

Signs of Insecurity: Jumping the gun and attempting new things in the bedroom without discussing it with their partner, talking about experimenting but never going through with it, and cheating just to get a fetish out of the way.

Almost anyone can be guilty of having insecurities in the bedroom and that’s normal. Sex is a very intimate act that can be done with any consenting adult, but doing it right means trusting yourself and your partner enough to go through with it.

If these insecurities are holding you back, you cannot begin to assume that your sex life is going as smooth as possible. If you can’t have enough freedom to enjoy yourself while having sex without being insecure about it, how can you ever achieve the satisfaction that you’re aiming for?

How to get rid of these insecurities?

The best way to get rid of all these insecurities is to develop a healthy dose of trust within your relationship. You need to be confident enough to ask your partner the tough questions, accept their answers wholeheartedly and not judge them on their choices. The best you can hope for is that they will respect your input on the matter and not judge you as well.

If you don’t know how to tackle the subject, here’s what you can do:

#1 Schedule time to talk about sex. It’s not exactly something that you can talk about while cruising the grocery aisle, so you should make arrangements to talk to your partner in privacy, and when they’re in the mood. If the opportunity doesn’t present itself, try talking to your partner before you have sex or before you go to sleep.

#2 List the things you want to discuss. Sex is a touchy subject and the more insecure you are, the more reluctant you are to broach the subject. Once you get past that, you might be nervous and you may forget the things you wanted to say. That’s why it’s good to have a list. You don’t need to take it out during the conversation. Just use it to gather your thoughts before you talk to your partner.

#3 Be open-minded. It’s going to be difficult for someone who’s admittedly insecure, but it can be done. In order to do this, you can imagine different scenarios of the conversation – both positive and negative. Think of possible answers to the questions you’re about to ask, and brace yourself when these answers are said. This way, you’ll know how to face anything no matter what comes up during the conversation.

#4 Do not judge your partner. No matter what your partner says, take a beat and think about it before replying. You don’t want to end up hurting them if you answer too rashly. Some things may upset you, but it’s better to voice your opinions on it in a calm manner.

After letting your thoughts out, make sure that you find a way to be okay with whatever it is they did in the past. They’re with you now. There’s no sense in rehashing old memories to punish them for something that they did when you weren’t in their life yet.

#5 Ask them not to judge you. I’m not going to say that if your partner really loved you, they’ll accept you for who you are. That’s not true. We are human and we react the way we’ve been conditioned to.

In order to avoid upsetting your partner, ask them first not to judge you. Reassure them that your past may help define who you are, but it is not completely what they should expect from you in the present or in the future.

If you manage to do all these things, you may be able to get through your conversation smoothly. The best thing about being able to talk like this is that the trust that you already share will be solidified more. Expressing yourselves to one another helps with learning and accepting each other’s past.

Your happiness does not lie on sex alone, but it does help if you can get over your insecurities about it. No matter what path you choose, don’t engage in sexual intimacy if you can’t handle the insecurity. This will only lead to heartbreak and hurting the person you love.

Be honest and try your best to get through both your insecurities, because the one thing that’s more important than sex is finding the person who is willing to overlook everything about your past and loving you more for it.

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