The Honest Path to Finding a Lifelong Partner with Rachel Russo

THE HONEST PATH TO FINDING A LIFELONG PARTNER WITH RACHEL RUSSO

Kyle Benson

I’ll be honest, dating can be difficult. It’s not uncommon to feel overwhelmed with the number of possible ways to find a life partner, with deciding whether to go on a second date or cancel and eat Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy, or with knowing when to commit to someone. It can feel like a game you just don’t want to play.

That’s why I sat down with Rachel Russo, New York City matchmaker and dating coach, to discuss how you can find someone to create a lifelong partnership with.

In our interview, Rachel and I tackled:

  • The most common troubles people have when dating and how to solve them
  • Handling rejection and how to honestly reject others in a mature way
  • How to take advantage of current dating spaces, both real-world and online

Common Dating Troubles

Years ago I wrote about my frustrations with being a first dateprenuer. I felt lost in a maze called dating, only to find myself running into dead-ends because my dates weren’t “perfectly compatible.”

And that’s a problem.

As soon as I would finish a first date, even on my way back to my car I’d already be back to swiping on dating apps and seeing who else was out there. With the appearance that everyone and their grandmother were available, I believed I had millions of choices.

I fantasized about all the amazing women I could possibly get along with. In essence, I was always looking for something better.

The problem is that this way of dating plays right into what is called the Paradox of Choice. It’s when you have so many options, you actually choose NOT to choose.

This is a perfect example of one of the struggles with dating. You go on a date, you connect with someone, but then you’re worried about missing out on someone even better. Even if the person you’re on a date with is amazing, you’re worried about not connecting with Janice or Jacob who might be, in your mind, a potentially better fit.

In the interview, Rachel points out that if you can get 80% of what you want in a partner, you should stop looking and start committing. Research on long-term committed relationships support this by highlighting that 69% of relationship problems never go away. Ironically, this doesn’t prevent your relationship from thriving.

“[W]hen choosing a long-term partner.. [you are also choosing] a particular set of irresolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or even fifty years.” – Daniel Wile, After The Honeymoon

To learn more about the more common troubles of dating, watch the interview here.

The Upside of Healthy Rejection

Connection, Lifelong

Have you ever thought about the language of rejection in romantic relationships?

“She broke my heart” or “He hurt my feelings” or “Her cheating was like a stab in the back.”

“When human beings experience threats or damage to their social bonds, the brain responds in much the same way it responds to physical pain.” Matthew Liberman – Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect

Our attachment system, a primal survival system, is designed to keep you close to others for your safety. After all, your ancestors who stayed closer to the tribe tended to survive long so they could procreate. Essentially, we are hardwired for connection.

This is why rejection is so painful.

But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or unhealthy. Just because something doesn’t feel good doesn’t mean it’s not good for you.

People who build muscle in a gym tend to undergo difficult workouts and associate a positive meaning to the unpleasant sensations involved, which makes it easier to tolerate.

“This is the skill that’s perilously missing today: the ability to de-couple meaning from feeling, to decide that just because you feel something, it doesn’t mean life is that something.” – Mark Manson, F*ck Your Feelings

You cannot change how icky rejection feels if you do it to someone else or how hurt you might feel if you get rejected by someone you like. What you can change is the meaning. Which paradoxically makes your feelings easier to tolerate. This is classic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Let’s look at this as an example:

Let’s say that Alex is interested in taking Lucy on a date. Alex saw her in a coffee shop, and he thought she was beautiful. He walks up to her and says, “Hey there… [slightly awkward small talk]… I was wondering if I could take you out on a date?”

Lucy is not interested in dating someone since she just got out of a 3-year relationship and wants time to focus on herself and her career.

Would it be better for Lucy to agree to go to on the date, even though she is not interested, or would it be better for Lucy to be honest with Alex and tell him that she’s flattered, but isn’t in a space to date at this point in time?

If you think the latter is better, Rachel and I would agree.

Agreeing to go on a date in order to not hurt someone’s feelings will, in the end, hurt their feelings more than it would have if you had been honest and kind and tactfully rejected them in the first place.

As Rachel says, it is far worse to string someone along and waste their time than it is to just be honest about what you may or may not be looking for. This also means NO GHOSTING or benching.

Being rejected shows you who is and isn’t for you. Rejection can enable you to find someone who will meet your needs and someone whose needs will be met by you.

Find out more by watching our interview.

Dating Niches Have the Riches

With the plethora of online dating options, you may choose one of the more prevalent apps such as Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, or Match.

While these apps are great, they also put you in a large dating pool with people who have a wide range of interests, which makes it harder to sort through who will be a good fit for you. This means more effort on your end.

Luckily, there are websites that help filter for certain values such as fitness and physical health, mindfulness, and more.

It’s also helpful to think about demographics and dating.

“If you are like most [people], the most important decisions you make about [dating] won’t feel like [a dating] decision at all. Where you decide to live, study, work and hang out are not just random, superficial lifestyle choices…The fact is, you can’t meet the right [partner] if you’re in the wrong place. This means that your city, your college campus, your workplace, your gym, and your favorite coffee shop are not just physical locations. They’re what scientist call ‘mating markets.’” – Tucker Max and Dr. Geoffrey Miller – Mate: Become the Man Women Want

Essentially, the best dating advice is to make dating an extension of your personal life because your local dating zone comprises all of the potential partners whose dating zones overlap with yours. 1

And when you’re having fun doing things you love, you’re probably way more attractive than if you are doing things you don’t enjoy.

Every city, every local store reflects a culture with specific values. Finding a culture that shares your core values is going to make it easier to find a partner who shares those values.

In summary, the best strategy to authentically finding a life partner is to understand yourself and use that information to do social activities that lead to connections with other people who have similar values as you do.

Watch the interview above for more.

10 Reasons You & Your Spouse Need a Romantic Getaway

10 REASONS YOU & YOUR SPOUSE NEED A ROMANTIC GETAWAY

Nurturing Marriage

Just think of it, when was the last time you two got away, together? If it has been awhile, this list will motivate you to book your next trip today!

1. Getaways are romantic.

Just think of it, a chance to be alone with your spouse, without kids, work, household responsibilities and all the stress those things carry with them. No matter where you two go on your getaway, just being alone will bring back the aura and romance of your honeymoon. 

2. Getaways are like mega-dates. 

Seriously. On a getaway, even a short one, you can fit what would have been eight date nights into one weekend! You could take a pottery class, go hiking, eat out, see a play, shop for clothes, dance, hot tub, and more. However, it is important to note that big getaways without regular dates in between will not offer the nurturing that your marriage needs. You need both. Getaways don’t make up for a year of no dates. 

3. Getaways help you strengthen your friendship as husband and wife.

You can finally do fun things together. All day. Every day. You can laugh, play, joke, work-out, and experience new things – together. Just like the best friends that you are. 

4. Getaways give you time and space for romantic sex.

We don’t need to say much more, do we? 

5. Getaways offer you a chance to talk about more than day-to-day life. 

When you getaway, you are together 24/7 for a few days at a time. You can talk about goals, dreams, big plans, hard things, struggles, and more. You can flirt and ask each other questions like you did back when you were dating. You can talk about people you observe, the adventures you have, or where you want to eat. Getaways give you a great chance to talk about everything and anything under the sun. Oh, and they are a great place to try out the 36 Questions That Will Help You Fall in Love With Your Spouse Again. 

6. Getaways give you a break from the hum-drum of every day life.

You and your spouse need something to look forward to. Something that is just for the two of you. A time and place where you can do things you never get to do together. It’s so nice to relax in a bed that someone else makes and to eat food that you don’t have to prepare yourself. Which leads us to #7…

7. Getaways give you a chance to recharge. 

There is something renewing about getting away – stepping away from all the stress of everyday life. It’s important to try to unplug a bit too, so that you don’t waste your whole getaway on your phone or tablet. 

8. Getaways help you create happy memories. 

All marriages need huge positive deposits into their emotional bank accounts. Getaways will give you huge boosts to your marital self-esteem. Plus, you will create thousands of happy memories and inside jokes. Take lots of pictures, and look back on them from time to time, bringing a back a whole bunch of “remember when…” statements and laughs. 

9. Getaways give you a chance for adventure.

Plan your getaways together, as husband and wife. Take turns picking where you want to go and what you want to do. Having adventures together, which invites the novelty of trying new things, will bring back a host of happy, butterfly feelings for each other. Plus, everyone has a deep sense of adventure that needs to be unleashed from time to time, right? 

10. Getaways help you fall in love all over again. 

It’s true. Getaways are the perfect combination to help you and your spouse fall in love again. They take you out of your normal home, your normal stresses, and your normal marital conflicts and offer you a fresh chance, a new start. A chance to treat each other with respect and kindness, to show extra love and affection, and to really enjoy each other in intimate settings. 

Yes, a romantic getaway is just what you and your spouse need. 

The Power of Couple Resolutions

THE POWER OF COUPLE RESOLUTIONS

Nurturing Marriage

Happy New Year on Tuesday!

Can you believe it is 2019?  Seriously, where did the time go?

With the new year comes a fresh start, a clean slate, and new opportunities and adventures. We’ve all probably packed on a few extra pounds during the holidays and it’s time to get to work on those New Year’s resolutions!

What are your resolutions and goals for the year?
What do you want to accomplish?
Who do you want to become?

Have you shared those goals and resolutions with your spouse?  Have you set goals and resolutions together?

The Power of a Personal Cheerleader

Whatever your goals may be, sharing them with your spouse could very well be the key to seeing them successfully completed within the next twelve months. Studies have shown that making your goals known to a trusted friend dramatically increases your success rate. This is largely because when you make your goals known, you feel a sense of accountability. There’s a little extra drive and motivation to reach the finish line when you know someone’s there waiting for you. 

Who better to choose as your trusted friend than your spouse! He or she already know you inside and out and understand you better than anyone else. They know your strengths and weaknesses and are very much invested in you and your personal development.

You spouse can and should be your greatest cheerleader! They can pick you up when you’re down and remind you of the vision you have for your future self. They can provide much-needed motivation to keep you moving forward with your goals when things get hard. 

I once read the story of a couple I greatly admire. In an interview about their marriage, the wife commented that her husband always gave her “wings to fly.” What an awesome compliment! That is something my wife and I have been aiming for ever since. 

So here’s my first challenge to you – sit down with your spouse and let them know what your New Year’s resolutions are. Ask him or her for support and help so you can accomplish those resolutions. Ask them to help keep you on track when you’re slipping, and offer to do the same for them.

​By being each other’s cheerleaders, not only will you each find more success in reaching your individual goals, but you’ll grow closer together in the process. Then, definitely go out on a fancy date and celebrate your successes together!

​Happy New Year! Can you believe it is already 2016? With the new year comes a fresh start, a clean slate, and new opportunities and adventures. We've all probably packed on a few extra pounds during the holidays and it's time to get to work on those New Year's resolutions (btw, did you know that by far the most common resolution is to lose those extra pounds?). What are your resolutions and goals for the upcoming year? What do you want to accomplish? Who do you want to become? Have you shared those goals and resolutions with your spouse? Have you set goals and resolutions together?

The Power of Couple Resolutions

Along with individual goals, there is great power in setting couple resolutions together. My wife and I have found that there are few things that drive unity more than working together towards a common goal. And there is incredible satisfaction and fulfillment found in achieving goals together as a team.

Your couple resolutions can be anything you can dream up! Here are a few ideas of couple-goals to get your creative juices flowing:

  • Go on at least one romantic getaway during the year (plan it well in advance so you can enjoy the anticipation and build up together!).
  • Save an extra $X dollars each month.
  • Run a marathon together (or maybe just a 5k…).
  • Get scuba certified together.
  • Intentionally make time to talk for fifteen minutes every day. 
  • Take a class or join a club together.
  • Hike a fourteener. 
  • Read 12 books together. Here is a shameless plug and a good place to start. 


Whatever your couple resolutions may be, just make sure you have some! Set resolutions that are meaningful for both of you. Create a vision of the kind of marriage and life you want to create together. Then, work each day to fulfill that vision. Sure, some days you’ll see more progress than others. In fact, some days it may feel like you have taken a step back. However, by the end of the year you’ll be able to look back and proudly admire how far you’ve come together. 

Couple resolutions are powerful because they build connection, create happy memories, and nurture friendship. You and your spouse will feel closer together as you work in unity to achieve common goals. Kind of magical. 

So just remember, by setting meaningful couple resolutions together, and diligently working towards them, not only will you be able to achieve great success as a team, but you’ll certainly nurture your marriage in the process!

Pursue Your Partner at Every Stage of Marriage

PURSUE YOUR PARTNER AT EVERY STAGE OF MARRIAGE

Hannah Eaton

We met Marcy and Jack during our first group dance lesson. Unlike many of the dating or engaged couples we’d danced with, Marcy and Jack had been at this marriage thing for quite some time. Forty years to be exact. They first started dancing in preparation for their daughter’s wedding.

The wedding came and went, but Marcy and Jack kept returning for dance lessons week after week. With practice, they continued to hone and improve their dance skills as a couple.

And yet, they tapped into something far greater than dance. They began to experience and integrate an idea central to healthy relationships—continual, purposeful dating and practice is not only helpful, but is central to cultivating and maintaining meaningful attunement, connection, and intimacy in romantic relationships. 

While healthy marriages require us to put in this intentional effort, and to pursue one another on a continual basis, many dominant paradigms in our culture tell us otherwise.

Myth: Marriage is a destination

“And they lived happily ever after.” Disney’s multi-billion dollar industry thrives on this idea. The message is spoon fed to us as children, and reverberated throughout our culture. It’s confusing when our own romantic experiences fail to live up to this standard, which they almost always do. 

So we either destroy this idea, feeling disappointed that it’s not our story, or we hold onto it tightly with the hope and dream that we can harness it if we just find the right person. However, the reality is such that even if we find the “right person,” we soon realize that everything is not simply sunshine and roses. Marriage is not a destination. 

Marcy and Jack know this. They know that marriage, like dance, is a continually unfolding journey in which they are active participants, shaping and molding their shared reality. They know that if they take a few months off from dance, and neglect their practice, it will be apparent in the quality of their dance and interactions. 

Maintaining regular practice not only helps keep them connected and attuned as they dance, but it also allows them to reach new heights and depths with one another. Every time we see Jack and Marcy in our group lessons, we are continually impressed by their new moves, gracefulness, and attunement with one another. 

Whether you’re a newlywed, or have been married for forty years like Marcy and Jack, there is immense value in creating and continuing practices that support the ongoing health and connection of your relationship. As John and Julie Gottman explain in their book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, “Happily ever after is not by chance. It’s by choice.” It takes work.

Myth: Love should always feel organic in marriage

One of the most common narratives we see in Hollywood movies and TV shows is the journey of a couple meeting, with perhaps some turmoil or conflict early on, and then a quick resolution, finished off with a hopeful closure. 

Perhaps this is because the full picture of marriage is not depicted as being as sexy or exciting as the hot pursuit earlier on, or perhaps it’s assumed that the public doesn’t want to see the reality of married life: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Either way, it’s doing our culture a disservice.

A second paradigm is ripping through our culture like wildfire—if you don’t feel the love anymore, then why stick around? As a therapist, I hear it all the time: “We just fell out of love.” While love (the noun) may initially bring two people together, it is love (the verb) that makes it last. 

Love is a choice that you make every morning when you wake up. It’s the decision to choose to cherish your partner, especially when you don’t feel like it. It’s in these times, in particular, that your partner likely needs your love the most. In truly healthy marriages, each partner wakes up in the morning, and makes the decision to purposefully practice and cultivate more love for their spouse. 

Marcy and Jack understand this principle. Forty years into their marriage, they are still intentionally “practicing” and choosing one another to keep that connection alive. Like all couples, there have been ample times when they may not have felt the connection or attunement, but nevertheless chose to be there for one another. 

They are proud of their growth and major improvements as a couple on and off the dance floor, and yet they realize that their “work” is never done. They have signed up for a lifetime commitment of pursuing and practicing the art of loving one another, and one way they do this is by their weekly dance lessons.

Myth: Courtship is only for the early years

A third faulty paradigm I see is the notion that courtship and dating is only for the early years. We date, we flirt, we woo, in effort to court one another. And then we’re all set. We know one another, we’ve tied the knot, and suddenly it’s no longer important to date one another as we did early on. 

It’s become so normal for couples to indicate they have grown apart and fallen out of love. Life got busy and suddenly they’re just living with a roommate. It’s understandable how this can easily happen, and yet, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Find ways to court and pursue your partner daily. We all want to feel loved and desired, regardless of what stage we are at in our relationship. Of course, the ways in which we like to be pursued may evolve over the years, which is why it’s all the more important to continue to update your Love Maps

Take time to remember how your partner likes to feel loved—surprise them with flowers, or bring them coffee in bed in the morning. Take time to experiment and explore new ways you can flirt with them. It’s in these small moments of connection that our relationships flourish.

At 62 and 65, Marcy and Jack are still intentional about planning and having regular date nights together. They’ve established a ritual of carving out sacred time for one another, and dance together on a weekly basis.

They recognize that dancing and date nights aren’t just for the youth—they’re for couples at all stages of their relationship. 

It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how long you’ve been married. It always feels good to have your partner pursue you. 

In what ways can you pursue your partner on a daily basis? 

In what ways can you choose your partner every morning when you wake up?

In what ways can you date your partner so that, 40 years into marriage, you’re still dancing like Marcy and Jack?


This is part four of a four-part series on relationships and dance. Here are parts onetwo, and three.

Reasons Some Men Mistreat Women

REASONS SOME MEN MISTREAT WOMEN

Sheqoz


He hurts your feelings because he doesn’t care for you

1. You Fell in Love too Fast:

Hi there beautiful, so you’re now having sleepless nights because of the way your boyfriend treated you at the restaurant in front of everybody? You need to wipe off those tears and put a smile on your face. He just doesn’t know your worth because he cannot see it. He probably wanted to spend just one night with you but it turned out to be an ongoing thing because you became too attached.

Women tend to fall in love too quick which is very unfortunate. When a man first asks you on a date, he’s probably thinking of the cookie and nothing more. Once and if he wins the game, he’s on to the next plan. While the woman becomes hooked immediately and starts seeing a future husband. This results to the woman noticing lack of interest which she then define as cold.

2. He’s Seeing Someone else:

Girls love attention and to be cuddled every once in a while. It is something learnt from childhood. The habits we develop as babies stay with us for a lifetime. We just don’t bring them out all the time. I believe there’s a little girl in every grown woman and a little boy inside every man. For this reason, a woman notices very slight shift in the attention she’s used to getting. Unless your boyfriend is going through some emotional issues, the way he treats you should not change suddenly.

You see, men call themselves players but they don’t play it very well. They don’t know how to balance their game. If your boyfriend has someone else, he will treat one of you lowly.

3. He Wants Out:

Yeah sweetie, this one is harsh but it is what it is. I’ve had friends go through this and finally the big shock. Men are known to create cold atmosphere or treat women ill just to find a loop out. If your boyfriend is treating you like trash, baby girl just pack up and leave while you still have your dignity. It can turn ugly and leave bad scars on your little delicate heart. You know he’s not gonna be man enough to tell you straight up.

4. He has no Respect for Women:

I know of men who verbalize their disrespect for all women in general. They do not respect even their own mother for reasons best known to them. The problem is, they still date women. These are the beauties who become victims of violence at the hands of the man they claim to love. It is so awkward that l lack words to describe them. When you’re in a relationship with this type of men, they find ways to make a slave out of you. Sadly, they still physically abuse you whenever they feel like.

5. He’s not all that into you:

I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but truth will set you free. Have you ever heard women complaining of how badly their men treat them regardless of all the nice things they do for them? If a man is not into you, not even money can buy his love.

Using money to trap a man will only keep him around while he’s filling up his belly with your money. In today’s world especially, there are men out there who stay with a woman for the gain. Once they get everything they want they dash for the door very fast.

Thought for the Soul:

“Others cannot mistreat us, if we deny them the power to do so.”

The Value Dating Economy

THE VALUE DATING ECONOMY

Kyle Benson

It’s Easter. You’re in the grocery store, and you can’t stop staring at the blonde girl buying flowers. You feel a pull towards her. She’s beautiful.

You’re obsessively strategizing ways to introduce yourself. When we become attracted to someone, we don’t necessarily choose who it is:  there’s never a logical reason behind it.. Attraction and love is a complicated process. I remember meeting this beautiful blond who modeled for Cover Girl, but the moment our hands touched, I felt revolted by her man hands. She was an amazing person, but for some odd reason this was something I just couldn’t get over.

Let’s explore how the process happens.

Miguel and Maria are at a wedding of a mutual friend. As they approach each other, there’s tension building between them. From the second they noticed each other; the two enter into a nonstop exchange of information.

This reduces uncertainty, and it weighs the value that each person offers the other. Miguel and Maria were making judgments and assumptions about one another before the first word was even spoken.

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There is something about Miguel’s well-groomed hair, strong physique and neatly trimmed facial hair that Maria finds unique. Maria’s soft voice and green eyes excite Miguel. As they begin to play verbal ping-pong, they can sense the excitement and energy of something more than just a conversation.

They find similarities in each other’s personalities, which increases their chemistry and connection. This develops positive feedback loops as they to continue to get to know each other.

As Miguel talks about his life growing up in Puerto Rico and his childish tendencies of stuffing food in his mouth like a chipmunk, it makes Maria smile. As he explains that he saves the storage for later, she giggles and lightly hits him on the shoulder. As soon as she does this, the distance between them decreases unconsciously. It continues to shrink until they both give in to the urge to kiss.

What’s happening here?

What causes Miguel to get so excited about Maria, rather than his best friend Kelly? She’s similar to Maria. They’re both attractive Latina women with green eyes? What is it about Miguel that turns on Maria more than her friend John, who is well-groomed and in good shape, just like Miguel?

When you meet someone, your mind immediately seeks to remove uncertainty… Are they a psychopathic killer? Is she going to try to use me, or try to make me do something I don’t want to do? Do they like me? Will I like them? 

Your unconscious is forming an assessment based on countless factors. Their physical attractiveness, fashion style, ethnicity, accent, body language, their emotional energy, and the content of the words coming from their lips. You’re assessing whether those words match the intentions you’ve already assumed about them.

At some point, we began to move past a place of uncertainty. We start to ask ourselves new questions that predict the value of our future relationship. 1 Is this someone I want to keep as a friend, someone I just want to sleep with, or someone I want to seriously date? All of these evaluations are happening simultaneously as the verbal and nonverbal conversation continues.

Anyone else’s behavior is filtered through your mind by your own perceptions, feelings, and thoughts. The Cover Girl model may have a husband that loves her hands, because his mother’s hands were rough and calloused from working hard at the local mill when he was young. Meanwhile, I find them disgusting and discomforting.

In its simplest form, human interactions can be reduced to value feedback: a nonstop loop of expressing, receiving and interpreting of verbal and nonverbal.

When you talk to an attractive girl and she doesn’t reply, you receive negative feedback. You might interpret that reaction as she’s being rude. You might interpret that she’s hard of hearing. Or you might interpret it that she’s attracted to you, but she’s playing hard-to-get.

You expressed yourself by talking, but you received nothing from her in the conversation. This makes it feel like a one-sided conversation, and your brain interprets the experience. What your brain interprets out of her response is crucial to what happens next.

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When the feedback loop is positive and to our liking, we find the person attractive. More compelling. Your attraction to each other is dependent on the appraisal method we use to value ourselves and others. It’s in this sense that we attract what we are.

Everything in life has a value, and just like happiness,  our value differs from anyone else. It’s based on the quality of experience we have or desire to have throughout our life. Maybe you value religion more than money or physical attractiveness more than intelligence. and so on. To make this process a little more simple, I am going to take a few exemplary items of what may make someone attractive, and provide a value that will total 100.

24-year-old Kelly unconsciously values the following things:

Religion = 4

Socio-economic status = 25

Attractiveness = 37

Age = 5

Political ideology = 1

Intelligence = 6

Hobbies = 2

Partying = 12

I’ve purposely skewed Kelly’s values to demonstrate how demographics play into attractiveness. Obviously, Kelly is a wild child. She cares deeply about superficial values, such as wealth and attractiveness, over intelligence, hobbies or age.

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She’d be perfectly happy to date a club owner who is  in his mid-thirties. She wouldn’t care if his life didn’t contain much outside of partying. People tend to place a higher value  on things which either makes them feel better or compliment and advance their own perceived value.

 Kelly’s best bet to meet someone would be to spend a majority of her time going to nightclubs, rather than attending a meditation retreat. This validates the point of this demographics. Our matching of similar values are contextually driven and contextually matched.

Some may even consider Kelly a stereotypical gold digger . Such women tend to come from poverty. She’s contextually driven, which means she values money more than anything else, and she will seek out a man that is very wealthy because she believes that money makes her life valuable, which contextually matches her values. Not that this is true every time; a woman can also be a ‘gold digger’ if she’s from a very wealthy family, and was raised to believe money was important.

Every single one of us have a unique value system to account for our unique preferences. It’s much more than your political beliefs or your cultural preferences. It’s a contact super glued to your eyeball that filters, sorts and processes all of the information you receive. Once this information is received, it is assigned a value.

Playing soccer has a specific value to me.

Watching Dexter and eating ice cream has a high value to a girl I know

Shooting guns has a specific value to another friend of mine.

Our value is derived from our biological programming, our own preferences (if we choose them), and socialization that is relative to our specific cultures. I like to think of matching values as a car key. The feedback is the key; the unique shape is the value. Whether it starts the car is dependent on whether the key matches the keyhole.

So ask yourself, right now: what are your values?

If I were to use the same listed values as Kelly, my list would be:

Religion =3

Socio-economic Status = 6

Attractiveness = 16

Age = 7

Political Ideology = 9

 Intelligence = 30

Hobbies = 20

Partying = 9

It’s clear that I value knowledge and intelligence, because I love a mentally stimulating conversation. I feel more emotionally connected to a person who is going to challenge or broaden my views of the world.

Understanding your own values will enable you to consciously select environments, and meet women who share those same values. Those are the types of relationships we want. We want them with women that have similar values, because those are the women who will make you happy. That’s what relationships should be about. Not the number of times you’ve gotten laid.

  1. Sunnafrank, Michael. “Predicted Outcome Value In Initial Conversations.” Communication Research Reports 5.2 (1988): 169-172. 

Why Couples Stop Having Sex: The Paradox Of Yes In Saying No

WHY COUPLES STOP HAVING SEX: THE PARADOX OF YES IN SAYING NO

Kyle Benson

Sexual desire is leaving the American bedroom faster than a Kansas tornado will rip apart a house.

Long-term relationships, far too often, experience a dwindling sex life. “Experts” often blame the coals of passion on women; their vanishing libido post-marriage. Their keen focus on raising the little ones while ignoring the man next to them.

The lack of female desire is a profitable industry. Thousands of books, full of “theories” on why women lose desire, fill bookstores. Meanwhile drug companies with pills like Addyi are “closing the gap” with a Viagra like pill for women.

But can a pill really put women in the mood?

I don’t think so.

Whispering desires of sex

The problem is that women (and men) need to feel safe to explore their sexuality. The last thing they need is to feel criticized for saying, “not tonight.” Being human is complex, especially with waves of emotions and desires crashing into our bodies. Being in a relationship is even more complicated; it requires two people to work with each other’s shifting emotional realities, both together and individually.

Far too often, I see a resentful woman with little sexual desire for her partner, married to a resentful man for her lack of desire. For a couple to have sex often, neither partner should meet the other’s “no” with rejection, anger or withdrawal.

Neglecting your partner your love, an emotional connection, or physical contact for saying “no” to sex will make saying “no” easier the next time. Ironically, the partner who was rejected by their partner must offer a positive response back to their partner. This is the paradox of sex in committed relationships.

Let’s Play This Out In Two Scenarios

Meet Chris. Chris loves Lacey. Chris understands that he needs to accept Lacey refusing to have sex tonight, but in his mind that doesn’t make it okay.

A ring does not guarantee sex

He believes the wedding band on her finger means her body is his right. He believes that her refusal denies him the thing he feels entitled to. So Chris tries to convince Lacey again and again, hoping his next attempt will “push her over the edge.”

Unfortunately, the sexual edge he is pushing her over is not a healthy edge. If she has sex with him, it’s because he couldn’t accept her “no.” This leaves her to resent him. While their genitals may be fornicating, the love and connection in both of them is numb.

If Chris can’t convince her to change her mind, he starts to act like a sad puppy. He sulks, whines, and may even bite her with criticism. He might even ignore her altogether.

Whatever happens, his negative response to her “no” is punishing Lacey. The subcontext of his actions are sending the following message: “It’s not okay for you to say no. It’s not okay for you to be your own person with a desire that doesn’t match mine.”

Obviously, none of this is going to put Lacey in the mood.

In fact, it will do the exact opposite. It will escalate the tension and resentment between them. It will reduce her desire to have sex the next time he asks.

Over time, Lacey turns into a sexually dormant women. She is emotionally blocking her erotic nature by the wall of her resentment.

Let’s Explore an Alternative Reality

As Lacey turns down Chris for sex, Chris accepts it. Just like that. He doesn’t hold a grudge or make up a theory that she is cheating on him. He doesn’t view sex as a right or an expectation he deserves when he wants it. Sex, for both partners, is a choice made every single day. It is not a mandatory obligation.

For example:

Lacey: “Not tonight. I feel sick from dinner.”
Chris. “I’m sorry, babe. I hate that feeling. It makes me not want to do anything either. I love you.”
Chris’s caring response is a far cry from the traditional “you always feel sick” complaint.

This caring response is far more effective. Receiving a positive response from Chris for turning down sex does not cause Lacey to say “no” more often in the future. His actions reinforce that he loves Lacey despite not getting what he wants.

His words remind her at her core that their sex life is about making love, not increasing the frequency just so Chris can release his sexual tension. To her, saying “no” lead to Chris making her feel loved.

Sex becomes more frequent in a relationship of loving responses. It cultivates trust and togetherness, leading to more erotic and passionate lovemaking.

Whether we realize it or not, we constantly rate our relationships. We value our partner’s responses in every single exchange we have. We are constantly reinforcing or amending the “story of us.”

According to John Gottman’s research, it has to be okay, even rewarding, for either partner to refuse sex.

Paradoxically, this leads to more sex. Many people find this confusing. I know I did. But relationships are complicated. That’s what makes them beautiful. They require understanding and working together.

For couples who are coping with a decline in a desire, how could your relationship change if you allowed each other to be as you are?

If you make it more than okay for either of you to say, “not tonight,” there will be many more nights when both of you will say “YES.” Female Viagra isn’t needed to fix low desire; just the pill of understanding and empathy.

Three Steps to Help the Rejected Not Feel Rejected

  1. Don’t take the “no” personally. Realize that a lack of a sexual desire for you isn’t all about you. Stresses from work, health issues, and general exhaustion drain us from having the energy to get it on. For most couples, I recommend using an arousal scale. It allows partners to realize that desire can be different among partners at the same time, but doesn’t mean that the relationship is any less passionate. It just means you’re not getting it on tonight.
  2. The Curiosity of Rejection. If you become angry, frustrated, or resent your partner, become curious as to why. Why is being told no to sex once such a big deal to you? Sex and love are full of private meanings. In my early twenties, sexual rejection meant I was inadequate and unworthy of love. Sex was validation for my self-worth, not a mutual act of appreciation and love.
  3. The Mirror of Reflection. If this rejection bothers you, ask yourself how this reflects on you. On your relationship. Recall the happy moments in your relationship to help cope with the feeling of rejection. Realize that your partner doesn’t want to hurt you and is merely telling you how they feel. Their behavior has little to do with you and more to do with them; just as your behavior and feelings have more to do with you than your partner. Reflect, ponder, and get to know yourself better.

Sex requires communication, understanding, and appreciation, even when things are not the way we want. Love is about loving your partner unconditionally, with or without your genitals touching.

How to Understand and Save your Marriage

HOW TO UNDERSTAND AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Sheqoz


Marriage is a ground for building long term true love

Love Bonds Two as One:

The need to be loved is a primary emotional need for all mankind. A trigger for an invitation to share love on long-term basis. This desire is a phenomenon that follows us from childhood. If you remember your child hood memories, nothing made you happier than your parents love.

As an adult, when you found someone to reciprocate this feeling, it fulfilled your desire to be loved. Marriage presents the opportunity to share love on a deeper level for a long time. Love is free and it does not come with conditions or stipulations, it radiates independently like the sun.

Yearning for Love in Marriage:


It is important to acknowledge each other in marriage

The need to feel loved by your spouse is at the heart of marital desires. Married couples should understand this. In today’s society, we often find ourselves neglecting each other’s feelings in search of material possession which are no replacement for human emotional love.

If you think of a two-sided weighing scale; both weight must be equal for it to balance. Marriage is the same, it takes both spouses to balance things out. There must be consistent deposits into the love account by both partners.

The Beginning of Marital Problems:

The distraction from daily hassles has wrecked many marriages as it Creates emotional distancing. For example; a husband who spends all his time chasing material possession has no time to connect with his wife. In return, she feels ignored and starts drifting away emotionally, which leads to a lonely wife syndrome.

When and if her husband desires her, she turns him down because she feels ignored until desired. She has valid reasons but since they’re unspoken, her husband too turns into a victim of undesired. A contributing factor for most infidelities. Both couples are more than likely to seek emotional fulfillment outside of their marriage.

Attention Seeking in Marriage is Normal:


Marriage is a give and take

When marital problems begin to surface. Couples might start feeling burdened by each other. For this reason, they may start giving each other the cold treatment. I have friends confess to not having spoken to their husbands for weeks. You see, nature cries out to be loved by another; which makes isolation devastating to the human psyche.

The very reason solitary confinement is one of the cruelest punishment. Everyone desires to be intimate and to be loved by someone and marriage is ground to fulfill these purpose. It is not meant to be an isolation chamber. Therefore it is ok for a woman to seek her husband’s attention and vice versa. Couples who acknowledge each other stay together.

Understanding your Commitment:

When you got married, you entered into an intimate union. Living any differently can make love elusive. Something that changes both your feelings from how they were in the beginning of things. This is why you often hear people complaining that their spouse changed.

Married couples should avoid cold treatment at all costs. Emotional separation triggers arguments, disrespectful words and even hate. This doesn’t mean that there was no love in the first place, it simply means the inner person became emotionally empty. How does this happen?

Let’s think of an automobile, when gas tank is full, you can drive longer distances. If the tank is empty, the engine won’t run as intended. The same is true with love, you must refill your partner’s emotional desires constantly.

When emotional feelings are left unattended because of the busy life schedules. They sadly dry up, as a result; husbands complain that their wives don’t love them anymore and vice versa. Remember the fire you both had in the beginning? It cannot continue burning if there’s nothing to fuel it.


Marriage is ground for lifetime love and happiness

The Grass is Never Greener on the Other Side.

Marriage is like a silver trophy award which you received for maintaining the flames. You earned it through consistency. Unfortunately most couples get too comfortable and place the trophy on the shelves. Once the silver gets tarnished, they toss it into the garbage for a replacement.

The very reason for three, four and even five failed marriages. They don’t realize the same old mistake will tarnish the new trophy as well. What I’m l trying to say? Taking old habits into a new relationship will end things in the same direction as the previous one.

One must have clear understanding of marriage fundamentals and patience to build stability. I also strongly believe in God’s intentions for marriage. A man was declared the head of a home and so shall it be. Wise women build their homes while wise men put strong foundations.

It is easier to work on a familiar situation than walk into the unknown. If you have been considering separation, pull your tarnished silver from the shelves and give it a good polish. Separation should be a last option. Things don’t just get rocky in marriage. Couples get too comfortable and neglect their roles.

Unless you are in a violent relationship, get to the bottom of the problem and start working on each other with great respect and kindness towards one another. If there’s violence involved, please walk out before it’s too late and seek professional help. Good luck in your relationship.

How to Make Him Miss You and Call You More

HOW TO MAKE HIM MISS YOU AND CALL YOU MORE

Team Lovepanky

Ever wondered how to make him miss you more often, or make him call you more? Here are all the tips and sneaky tricks you’d need to make your man miss you more, and desire you all the time.

Knowing how to make him miss you or make him call you more is a tricky pursuit.

You can’t really whine and tell him that you miss him, and wish he’d call you more often.

But could there be a way to make him miss you more, just like that?

How to make him miss you

How many times have we sat by the phone wondering what the man in our life is up to, and when is he ever going to call us again!

Now I’m not saying men don’t think about their girlfriends.

But I am indeed saying that the novelty of a new relationship wears off faster for a man than for a woman.

Why does this happen? Well, it’s simple, because women give in too easily and reveal all even more easily.

Learn how to make him call you more and miss you more by understanding these simple tips.

HOW TO MAKE HIM MISS YOU

#1 Surprise him

There’s no point in being an open book early in a relationship.

Keep him interested and into you by mentioning to him the summer you spent in Paris by yourself or your skills on the violin. Go out to a karaoke bar one night and floor him with your singing ability.

Never let him know who you really are, let him experience that by being with you.

#2 Be sincere

Make him feel like he’s found his soul mate in you. The idea is to be sincere.

Genuinely listen to what he has to say. Ask questions, and keep in mind what and who he talks about so that the next time he brings it up, you can show him that you actually do listen.

#3 Have no expectations

It’s a common mistake that every girl makes when she expect that a man is as hooked on you as you are on him, or that he is going to be exactly like your sappy man-child of an ex-boyfriend. Remind yourself why you ditched your ex.

If he doesn’t arrive at your doorstep with a dozen red roses every day, it does not mean that he is not into you.

HOW TO MAKE HIM MISS YOU – DIRTY, SNEAKY WAYS!

Read on for a few really sneaky ways to make him miss you and make him call you more.

#1 Hang up before he does

If you end the conversation before he does, it’ll keep him wanting more. Admit it, it happens to you all the time. Well, maybe in some cases, playing hard to get really does work.

#2 Do not accept any last minute dates

This is a sneakier variant of the first way to make him miss you more. Never, I repeat, never ever make it seem like you’re poised at the edge of your seat waiting for him to make time for you. Not only does this make you look like the ultimate loser, it will make him take you for granted. You should never accept the option of being Plan B.

#3 Great perfume

Pick the perfect perfume, and remember that the key word here is subtlety. You’ll know it has worked when he keeps leaning in. But remember to take it easy and not douse yourself in fragrances. You’d also want a leave a trace of it on him so that he remembers you after he drives you home.

MAKE HIM CALL YOU MORE: WILL IT WORK?

So what do you do if (god forbid) all your hard work doesn’t work and he still doesn’t call more or miss you more? First of all, don’t jump into conclusions. For all you know, there could have been an emergency.

You may call once or leave a message but do not overdo it and fill his inbox with “whr r u” and “y hvnt u cald” messages. Secondly do not obsess, immerse yourself in those hobbies you wowed him with. And finally if he calls you a month later without an excuse asking you out on a date, do not accept it. That would be an insult to your womanhood.

You have to accept rejection as a part of life and that it happens to everyone all the time. If things don’t work out, don’t sweat it.

After all, you do know the best tips on how to make him miss you and make him call you more. If it’s not working, perhaps he’s just not that into you.

How to Think Like a Man and Impress your Guy

HOW TO THINK LIKE A MAN AND IMPRESS YOUR GUY

Team Lovepanky

Men complain that women are just too different and difficult to understand. So learn to think like a man and impress your guy just the way he wants!

Do you want to know to think like a man, especially in a relationship?

Ever heard your man grumble that you just don’t understand him?

Or did he whine about how women are just so different?

Now before you try changing yourself for his sake, you should know that men may whine a lot about women and their behavior.

But all said and done, men still want women to behave like women, and leave the “manly” behavior to the men.

There are a few times though, when you behaving like a man can make him exceptionally happy.

So if you want to know how to think like a man, and impress your guy, here are a few starting points.

How to think like a man

Thinking like a man is easy. Girls grow up and become women. Boys get bigger and become men.

If you want to think like a man, all you need to do is bring out your inner tomboy child.

Try these manly behavior traits when you’re with your own man. And big chances are, he’ll bear hug you in happiness or brag about how his girlfriend is the bestest in the whole world to all his friends!

Men don’t beat around the bush

If you want to think like a man, start with this one.

When you’re angry, do you always tell your man straight out about the reason behind your frustration? Most women don’t. They’d rather hold it in and grumble in a corner while the man goes back into a series of flashbacks just to understand what and where he did wrong. And almost always, until he realizes what offended his woman, he pays the price.

Men don’t do that. If your man is angry with you, he’d rather just blurt it out to you in a bad way than hold it in and rephrase the crushing annoyance in a manner that would have the maximum impact. If you want to be a man, the next time you’re upset with him for something, say it out straight and don’t beat around the bush. At least then, he’d know what he’s apologizing for!

Men like their space

Ever seen your man sitting by himself and happily building a car scale model or polishing his car? He likes doing that. Men absolutely love their space. He may feel guilty at times and try to spend more time with you to make up for it though.

The best way to deal with this is by keeping yourself occupied with your own hobby once in a while. Go out with your friends now and then, or indulge yourself in a few activities that you enjoy around your own place. By doing this, you’d lift your man’s bag of guilt off his back, and help him appreciate your independence a lot more!

Men like sex a lot more than foreplay

All women know this well. Your man may be nice enough to spend a while indulging in foreplay for your satisfaction, so learn to return the favor now and then by excusing him off a few tongue twister moves and cuddles before sex. Take him straight to bed and ask him to get on top as soon as you feel ready down there. He’d probably be surprised, but it’s going to be a happy one

Your man loves his gadgets and games

All men love playing on their game consoles or even spending time with their little remote controlled cars. It may seem immature, but for a man, it gives him a bit of time to get away from the world. Now men know their women would never understand this fascination.

But if you want to know how to think like a man, let him know that you can enjoy a good game too. The next time your man’s out for a while, play with his man toys and try to enjoy a good game. There’s a good chance that you may understand his fascination after a while too.

And when your man does get back home and sees you busy enjoying his game, there’s a big chance his eyes will well up with tears of joy!

Men love getting wasted

Men just love losing control of their senses now and then. Every man has his own reason, all the way from hoping he’d get molested in a drunken stupor by a group of sexy girls, to drinking being his way of dealing with the crap life throws at him.

Plan a Saturday night for him. Stock up your refrigerator with beer and booze and get wasted together. Just make sure the doors are locked and you’re close to the bed and the loo. Remember, the fun starts when both of you start trash talking. The best part is that your man would never forget those happy nights when you both have fun binge drinking together. Dealing with the hangover come Sunday morning, well, that’s a small price for a load of happiness, isn’t it?

Men love porn

Ever caught your man in front of his computer late at night with his hands deep inside his pants? Of course, your man will be embarrassed to get caught in a compromising position.

You may be pissed off or even insulted to see that he actually had to watch another naked woman to get an erection and have a bit of fun when he already has you. It’s natural that you’d feel that way, but men don’t understand that.

For men, porn is porn. And looking at another naked woman or two isn’t cheating, it’s having a good time.

Instead of rebuking him or getting upset and throwing a pillow for him to sleep on the couch, join him and watch the movie together if you want to think like a man. Watching erotica together can be a lot of fun and he’ll feel relieved too.  How many lucky guys get to have sex with their woman while watching a few other women at the same time? And odds are, you’ll love the hot men in the movie too!

Times when he won’t enjoy your manly behavior

Now that you know how to think like a man, use these tips to impress him and let him know how understanding you can be.

But at the same time, don’t overdo it. It would only upset him or make him wonder what’s going on. Here are a few great examples of woman showing man behavior gone wrong.

# Sex is just sex. Don’t fall asleep immediately after sex like a man does, without even looking at him. If it happens a few times in a row, he’ll probably spoon you and cry himself to sleep.

# Men look at other women even if they’re in love. Don’t do the same. He’d probably pick a fight with the guy you’re staring at, or think you’re a flirty cheat-in-the-box. But use this move if he disrespects you by ogling a lot at other women all the time.

# Men don’t change their favorite frayed pants or tee shirts unless his woman throws it out. If you wear your old, fading clothes and laze on the couch, he’ll probably think you’re starting to look ugly.

# Men burp and fart with their friends. But in your endeavor to think like a man, don’t ever do that. He’d think he’s turning gay or you’re turning into a guy. Either ways, it’s not good news for you.

Now that you know how to think like a man, try these moves and impress your guy with ease. Well, just as long as you don’t go overboard with your manly behavior!

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