Separate rooms for a married couple to sleep well?

Isn’t sleeping together the essence of marriage | Bonobology.Con

SEPARATE ROOMS FOR A MARRIED COUPLE TO SLEEP WELL?

In the Victorian era, husband and wife slept in separate rooms. Was it not the antithesis of marriage? Isn’t sleeping together the essence of marriage?

Riti Kaunteya

A sharp and insistent poke on my back woke me from my sweet slumber. Confused, I groped in the dark, rooting for the offending object. I wanted to turn around but couldn’t, as there was no room to manoeuvre my body from my usual sleeping-on-the-left side position. I rose, struggling to stop myself from falling off the edge of the bed and groped among the blankets again. The offspring had found his way into our room yet again, occupied his choicest spot in the middle of our bed and slowly poked his way into making space for himself. The husband had slid towards the other edge only to be hindered by the other offspring. Two is company but four is a crowd. A wave of weariness swooped on me, forcing me to fall back on my pillow, which was half outside the bed. This noble attempt of going back to sleep was hampered by the offspring who had by now turned and occupied the entire space on my side of the bed.

I stood up and dragged myself to the children’s room, closing the door behind me on the face of the dog who attempted to follow in the hope of a midnight snack. I fell on the welcoming bed, devoid of children, husband and dog. For the first time in many months, I slept peacefully for the rest of the night.

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Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate

PSYCHOLOGY FINALLY REVEALS THE ANSWER TO FINDING YOUR SOULMATE

Luis R. Valadez

We all as social creatures have a deep and underlying desire to find that one perfect person to spend the rest of our days with. That one person when you meet, you feel an uncontrollable attraction to and an illogical sense of familiarity with. As if you’ve known that person for a lifetime, or perhaps lifetimes. Whatever you want to call it, films and TV series alike have romanticized the phenomenon known as the soulmate. But what do we really know about the perfect mate or the ideal partner? Psychology is finally shedding light on the mystery that encapsulates so many hearts and minds around the world in an effort to understand what truly makes two people compatible for a relationship.

The Issue With Compatibility

Dating sites like OkCupid.com or chemistry.com boast about their in-depth personality tests, and claim that someone with similar answers to the questions on their tests can result in finding the perfect mate.

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Why infidelity and divorce are more among African couples

WHY INFIDELITY AND DIVORCE ARE MORE AMONG AFRICAN COUPLES

Whoever says most African couples are not romantic is absolutely telling the truth.

Many marriages are just about sleeping, waking, eating, cooking, raising the kids, working and ageing together till death comes.

Many couples only hug each other when they receive good news.

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5 Rituals to Reconnect in Your Relationship

5 RITUALS TO RECONNECT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Terry Gaspard

In his book The Intentional Family, Bill Dougherty discusses “rituals of connection” as an important tool for successful relationships. A ritual of connection is a way of regularly turning towards your partner that can be counted on.

Erica and Rob, both in their late forties, have been happily married for ten years and are raising three children. When I asked Rob about the rituals in their marriage, he reflects:

We hug every day when I get home because physical touch is one of my Love Languages. Erica is not as affectionate as I am, but she’s up for it because she know’s how important it is to me.

 

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5 things I want my wife to know about her body

5 THINGS I WANT MY WIFE TO KNOW ABOUT HER BODY

Aaron & April Jacob
In a world full of all kinds of messages regarding a woman’s body, here are five things I want my wife to know about hers.
As a husband, I know my wife faces a lot of pressure when it comes to appearance. Those pressures are real, and they come from just about everywhere. Regardless of all the voices out there spreading innumerable false messages, here are five things I want my wife to know about her body.
1. I think you’re absolutely gorgeous

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Emotionally Intelligent Husbands are Key to a Lasting Marriage

EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT HUSBANDS ARE KEY TO A LASTING MARRIAGE

Kyle Benson

In a long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, Dr. John Gottman discovered that men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce.

This critical skill is not limited to heterosexual couples. It’s essential in same-sex relationships as well, but the research shows that gay and lesbian couples are notably better at it than straight couples. See The 12 Year Study for more on this.

I want you to meet Lauren and Steven.* While Steven believes an equal partnership is the key to a happy and lasting marriage, his actions speak differently.

Steven: “The guys and I are going fishing this weekend. We are leaving later tonight.”
Lauren: “But my girlfriends are staying with us on Friday, and I need help cleaning the house tonight. We talked about this. How could you forget? Can you leave tomorrow morning?”
Steven: “How did you forget I have my guys trip? I can’t change our departure schedule. We are leaving in a few hours.”

Lauren’s anger boils. She calls him a “selfish asshole” and storms out of the kitchen.

Feeling overwhelmed, Steven pours himself a glass of whiskey and turns on the football game.

When Lauren walks back into the room to talk, he stonewalls her. She starts to cry. He announces he needs to work on his truck and leaves the room.

Arguments like these are full of accusations, making it difficult to determine the underlying cause. What is clear is Steven’s unwillingness to accept Lauren’s influence.

Rejecting Influence

It’s not that marriage can’t survive moments of anger, complaints, or criticism. They can. Couples get in trouble when they match negativity with negativity instead of making repairs to de-escalate conflict. Dr. Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that 65% of men increase negativity during an argument.

Steven’s response doesn’t show that he hears Lauren’s complaint. Instead, he responds with defensiveness and sends a complaint right back: Why didn’t she remember his plans?

The Four Horsemen – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling – are telltale signs that a man is resisting his wife’s influence.

My point is not to insult men. It takes two to make a marriage work and it is just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect. But Dr. Gottman’s research indicates that a majority of wives – even in unhappy marriages – already do this.

This doesn’t mean women don’t get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. Data suggests that men do not return the favor.

Statistically speaking, Dr. Gottman’s research shows there is an 81% chance that a marriage will self-implode when a man is unwilling to share power.

What Men Can Learn From Women

There are books that say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. While this isn’t literally true, men and women often do feel alien to each other.

This starts in childhood. When boys play games, their focus is on winning, not their emotions or the others playing. If one of the boys get hurt, he gets ignored. After all, “the game must go on.”

With girls, feelings are often the first priority. When a tearful girl says, “we’re not friends anymore,” the game stops and only starts again if the girls make up. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman explains, “the truth is that ‘girlish’ games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships.”

There are plenty of women who are unaware of these social nuisances and men who are deeply sensitive to others. In Dr. Gottman’s research, however, only 35% of the men were emotionally intelligent.

Two Roads Diverged

…and I took the relationship-focused one.

The husband who lacks emotional intelligence rejects his wife’s influence because he fears a loss of power. And because he is unwilling to accept influence, he will not be influential.

The emotionally intelligent husband is interested in his wife’s emotions because he honors and respects her. While this man may not express his emotions in the same way his wife does, he will learn how to better connect with her.

When she needs to talk, he’ll turn off the football game and listen. He will pick “we” over “me.” He will understand his wife’s inner world, continue to admire her, and communicate this respect by turning towards her. His relationship, sex life, and overall joy will be far greater than the man who lacks emotional intelligence.

The emotionally intelligent husband will also be a better father because he is not afraid of feelings. He will teach his children to respect their emotions and themselves. Dr. Gottman calls this Emotion Coaching.

Because this man is deeply connected to his wife, she will go to him when she is stressed, upset, and overjoyed. She’ll even go to him when she is aroused.

How to Accept Influence

Dr. Gottman suspects men who resist their wives influence do so without realizing it. Accepting influence is both a mindset and a skill cultivated by paying attention to your spouse every day. This means building your Love Maps, expressing your fondness and admiration, and accepting bids for connection.

And when conflict happens, the key is to understand your partner’s point of view and be willing to compromise. Do this by identifying your inflexible areas and searching for something both of you can agree to.

For example: Steven understands that Lauren is stressed about having company when the house is a mess. While he may not be able to delay his trip until the next morning, he can push it back to later that evening so he can help her around the house first. Maybe instead of Steven vacuuming and wiping down the counters (typically his task), Lauren could wipe them down in the morning before her friends arrive so Steven could leave a little earlier with his buddies.

Accepting your partner’s influence is a great strategy for gaining more respect, power, and influence. Want to have a happy and stable marriage? Make your commitment to your partner stronger than your commitment to winning. If you do that, your marriage wins.

*Author’s Note: In the example provided, Lauren’s negativity is realistic (and understandable) because her needs are not being met. There tends to be criticism and frustration from both partners in these relationships. With that said, if Lauren had softened her start-up, Steven may have received it better and accepted her influence.

In all marital conflicts, both parties have responsibilities as a speaker and a listener. The listener’s role is to listen non-defensively for the emotional bid for connection, even if the tone used is harsh, while the speaker’s role is to use a soft start-up by complaining without blame.

 

How to Date Your Spouse

HOW TO DATE YOUR SPOUSE
Gary and Barb Rosberg

If you’re like many married couples, you’ve gotten caught up in the routine of jobs, parenting, church, and other commitments. And many of those couples are so busy they don’t take time to nurture the foundation of their family – their marriage and their relationship with each other. But when that marriage foundation begins to crumble, everything else will come down with it. And that’s why we want to coach you on how to nurture that relationship – and one of the great ways to do that is by dating your mate.

When you were single, dating was a time to get away alone, to talk, laugh, and have fun together. You took time to learn more about each other, about your past and your dreams for the future. But here’s the deal: Now that you’re married, you need to do the same thing! You need to get away alone and continue to talk, laugh, and have fun together! You need to learn more about each other! And that’s why dating shouldn’t stop with marriage.

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Week 2 #OneSmallChange Challenge: Your Spouse Deserves Respect

Week 1 #OneSmallChange Challenge: Your Spouse Has A Need You Can Meet

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