Getting Rid of Sexual Insecurity for a Better Sex Life

Getting Rid of Sexual Insecurity for a Better Sex Life

GETTING RID OF SEXUAL INSECURITY FOR A BETTER SEX LIFE

Danielle Anne Suleik

Whether you think you know too little or too much about sex, insecurity can sometimes settle in. Here’s how you can get rid of it.

Dating someone with more sexual experience than you can be both a blessing and a curse. The upside is that your partner has the knowledge and means necessary to give you a pleasurable experience in the bedroom. The downside is that you are more likely to question the source of their prowess and whether you can live up to the standards that they present in the relationship.

Sex is an integral part of most relationships. While a lot of people would rather wait until after they’re married, those that do venture into the unknown realms of intimacy are still faced with obstacles that prevent them from enjoying sex with their partners.

One of these problems is their insecurity towards their partner’s sexual experiences and the act in general. What makes a person insecure? Why do people feel bad when faced with the prospect of being found as sexually inept? Why is it such a big deal?

What makes people insecure in bed?

There are several factors that can contribute to a person’s sexual insecurity, but most of them are commonplace and can be experienced by any person, no matter how many people they’ve slept with.

#1 Self-perception. It is generally understood that men and women have a few complaints about their bodies. When they allow their flaws to consume them, their sex lives are directly affected. When you don’t accept your body, you become less comfortable in the bedroom once your clothes start to come off.

Signs of Insecurity: Wanting to turn the lights off while having sex, not wanting to take their clothes off and always adjusting themselves, in order to avoid exposure of certain parts of their bodies.

#2 Genitalia. Men are more interested in looking at their penises than women are with their vaginas. For one thing, directly looking at your own vagina is extremely difficult unless you’re a contortionist. On the other hand, women are just as interested in looking at their breasts in the mirror. If neither is content with what they have, they can start to lose confidence once these body parts are exposed. Apart from that, they can become conscious about the smell and taste as well.

Signs of Insecurity: Refusing oral sex, immediate penetration without foreplay and comparing their organs to past partners’.

#3 Having too many sexual partners. No one can tell you how many partners are too many, but people seem to have a predisposed assumption that there is a number out there that can be counted as too many. If a person thinks this way, they consider the number of partners a person has had as a standard. When that happens, a person can become insecure if they think their partner has slept with too many people or if they did as well.

Signs of Insecurity: Refusing to discuss past partners, asking about their partner’s sexual history too much and keeping count of all sexual encounters on an actual list.

#4 Not having enough sexual partners. This happens when a person puts too much value on the number of people someone sleeps with. They consider it as a prize rather than a cause for concern. This type of insecurity can lead a person to act promiscuously or they can resent their partner because they have had more sex.

Signs of Insecurity: Judging their partner for the number of partners they’ve had, trying to increase the number of people they sleep with and always comparing themselves to their partner’s exes.

#5 Amount of expression in the bedroom. Sometimes, having a lot of experience in bed can be a good thing, but it can sometimes make a partner insecure. They will wonder where you learned to do certain things, and they will also question the source of your confidence in the bedroom.

Signs of Insecurity: Asking where you learned to do a certain thing in bed and then getting upset about it, fixating on your partner and their ex’s sexual activities and trying to overcompensate by doing something they’re uncomfortable with in the bedroom.

#6 Willingness to try new things. They say that having a healthy sexual relationship means having the drive to experiment and try new things. This is all well and good, if it suits a couple. When someone refuses to explore their sexuality because they’re not sure how their partner will react, it means that they are harboring feelings of insecurity towards their ability to communicate about sex with their partner.

Signs of Insecurity: Jumping the gun and attempting new things in the bedroom without discussing it with their partner, talking about experimenting but never going through with it, and cheating just to get a fetish out of the way.

Almost anyone can be guilty of having insecurities in the bedroom and that’s normal. Sex is a very intimate act that can be done with any consenting adult, but doing it right means trusting yourself and your partner enough to go through with it.

If these insecurities are holding you back, you cannot begin to assume that your sex life is going as smooth as possible. If you can’t have enough freedom to enjoy yourself while having sex without being insecure about it, how can you ever achieve the satisfaction that you’re aiming for?

How to get rid of these insecurities?

The best way to get rid of all these insecurities is to develop a healthy dose of trust within your relationship. You need to be confident enough to ask your partner the tough questions, accept their answers wholeheartedly and not judge them on their choices. The best you can hope for is that they will respect your input on the matter and not judge you as well.

If you don’t know how to tackle the subject, here’s what you can do:

#1 Schedule time to talk about sex. It’s not exactly something that you can talk about while cruising the grocery aisle, so you should make arrangements to talk to your partner in privacy, and when they’re in the mood. If the opportunity doesn’t present itself, try talking to your partner before you have sex or before you go to sleep.

#2 List the things you want to discuss. Sex is a touchy subject and the more insecure you are, the more reluctant you are to broach the subject. Once you get past that, you might be nervous and you may forget the things you wanted to say. That’s why it’s good to have a list. You don’t need to take it out during the conversation. Just use it to gather your thoughts before you talk to your partner.

#3 Be open-minded. It’s going to be difficult for someone who’s admittedly insecure, but it can be done. In order to do this, you can imagine different scenarios of the conversation – both positive and negative. Think of possible answers to the questions you’re about to ask, and brace yourself when these answers are said. This way, you’ll know how to face anything no matter what comes up during the conversation.

#4 Do not judge your partner. No matter what your partner says, take a beat and think about it before replying. You don’t want to end up hurting them if you answer too rashly. Some things may upset you, but it’s better to voice your opinions on it in a calm manner.

After letting your thoughts out, make sure that you find a way to be okay with whatever it is they did in the past. They’re with you now. There’s no sense in rehashing old memories to punish them for something that they did when you weren’t in their life yet.

#5 Ask them not to judge you. I’m not going to say that if your partner really loved you, they’ll accept you for who you are. That’s not true. We are human and we react the way we’ve been conditioned to.

In order to avoid upsetting your partner, ask them first not to judge you. Reassure them that your past may help define who you are, but it is not completely what they should expect from you in the present or in the future.

If you manage to do all these things, you may be able to get through your conversation smoothly. The best thing about being able to talk like this is that the trust that you already share will be solidified more. Expressing yourselves to one another helps with learning and accepting each other’s past.

Your happiness does not lie on sex alone, but it does help if you can get over your insecurities about it. No matter what path you choose, don’t engage in sexual intimacy if you can’t handle the insecurity. This will only lead to heartbreak and hurting the person you love.

Be honest and try your best to get through both your insecurities, because the one thing that’s more important than sex is finding the person who is willing to overlook everything about your past and loving you more for it.

3 Proven Ways To Reconnect When You’re Disconnected From Your Partner

disconnected relationship

3 PROVEN WAYS TO RECONNECT WHEN YOU’RE DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR PARTNER

Kyle Benson

What can you do right now to make your relationship more romantic?

You could get your wife a diamond necklace. Or maybe you could buy her the Mercedes dream car she’s always wanted.

Sounds like a good idea, right?

But let’s suppose that you haven’t asked your wife a question in five years, so you fail at Love Maps.

Or while you are out on a double date with friends and your wife starts telling a story, you say, “that’s a good story, but you always tell it wrong. Let me tell it.”

So you fail at showing her fondness and admiration.

Later that night she excitedly plops down next to you on the couch and shows you a picture of a romantic getaway in Italy.

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7 Reasons Why Empathy Is Important in a Relationship

7 Reasons Why Empathy Is Important in a Relationship

7 REASONS WHY EMPATHY IS IMPORTANT IN A RELATIONSHIP

Lianne Choo

Empathy is one of the most important abilities that help people understand each other. So why is it even more important in your relationship?

It is not uncommon to disagree with another person’s views. Be it politics, religion, or something as silly as whether you should be using paper or plastic at the supermarket. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with someone. However, it is very important to practice empathy if you want to foster lasting relationships with those around you.

So what exactly is empathy? Not to be confused with sympathy, which is feeling sorrow for someone else’s misfortune, empathy is being able to connect with and understand the feelings of another. In a nutshell, it is putting yourself in another person’s shoes and not freaking out about it.

Whether with your friends, family members, kids, neighbors, colleagues or your favorite Starbucks barista, empathy is very important when it comes to building lasting relationships with others. The most important person you should be empathizing with is, of course, your partner. If you can’t connect with the most important person in your life, then who can you connect with?

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Stopping Miscommunication Disasters That Ruin The Moment

STOPPING MISCOMMUNICATION DISASTERS THAT RUIN THE MOMENT

Darren Wilk

“How could you be so hurt?  That was not my intention! I just wish you got me and knew my heart. I feel so misunderstood”  This is a classic example of how there has been a miscommunication, with an unintended negative impact, and both people end up feeling hurt. Why does this happen so often? There are a couple of reasons. One is that miscommunication is inevitable.  John and Julie Gottman’s research has found that 70% of the great couples’ interactions don’t go as intended. It’s normal and no one should be shocked.  You are two different people, with different histories, cultures and personalities.  At any given time there is a 50% chance one of you is going to be in your  own world, not aware of your  partner’s needs. Again, normal.

Intentions and Filters

Secondly, the reason why intentions do not always have the intended impact is because of our filters. About a month ago I asked Dr. Gottman what to do about couples who get into fights over their intentions being misunderstood.  He simply drew a diagram that looks like this.  Well, to be fair his was with stick people, but the point is the same.

What often occurs is an unintentional tone or wording that changes the message. In this situation it is Homer’s positive intention that  travels through his Filter, and before it has a chance to impact Marge it must also go through her Filter.   In this case, the filter is some history of him being critical of her housekeeping. Maybe there has even been a fight where Homer may have said she is lazy or useless. Hard to imagine, I know, but it could have happened.

Forgiving Your Partner

FORGIVING YOUR PARTNER

Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera

Forgiveness is essential for a healthy relationship and personal well-being

In every relationship there are very likely to be times when our partner will do things to us that we regard as offensive, insensitive to our feelings, or just plain dumb. When that happens, our response is predictable. It’s not uncommon to become insulted, hurt, angry, or have other similar reactions to this perceived harm. We use the term perceived here because we want to emphasize the personal nature of how we interpret situations. Not everyone will construe the same words or deeds as hurtful or upsetting; some are thicker skinned or won’t take some offenses personally or seriously. Nor will we always interpret words and deeds in the same way—it can depend on the context. For example, an off-hand comment from our partner, such as a joke at our expense, might be ignored or even taken as funny in some situations, but regarded as a major insult in others.

When we choose the latter interpretation (and we do have a choice), most of us will confront our partner to let them know that what they said or did is unacceptable. In healthy relationships, discussions will focus specifically on the issue at hand and not go off in other directions, and will then have a good chance of getting to a resolution. But even if the problem is dealt with and resolved, affronted partners might sometimes continue to hold the thing that upset them in their heads. The accompanying negative feelings can affect how we think about and treat our partner, and they can form the basis for holding a grudge, and that’s never good for a relationship.

Ethical codes and most religious doctrines tell us that we should be forgiving to those who harm us. This advice certainly has its socially redeeming qualities, but it’s also sound from a psychological perspective. When we hold a grudge and refuse to forgive, we leave ourselves open to the danger of ruminating about the event, and that’s especially likely to happen if the harm came from someone we regard as important to us, such as our spouse. As we rehash in our minds the episode that’s gotten us upset, we experience all the negative emotions, and perhaps some behavioral outbursts. Yet, the hurt remains because the event can’t be taken back.

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Why Forgiving Your Partner is For YOU, Not Them

WHY FORGIVING YOUR PARTNER IS FOR YOU, NOT THEM

Darren Wilk

Let’s face it – relationships can be tough. Two different people coming together to share their lives’ ups and downs is bound to bring about conflict. We tend to expect so much from the ones we love and those expectations can lead to sometimes negative outcomes.

Certain things our partners do can be annoying, irritating and even hurtful to us. If it’s bad enough, it could even be the end of a relationship. But this article isn’t about the major things that can come up in a relationship. It’s about the everyday conflict we have with our partners.

When one person perceives themselves to be hurt, the typical reaction is to confront their partner and discuss what went wrong until it is resolved.

But some people hold on to those negative feelings, even after achieving what appears to be a resolution. And holding grudges, instead of forgiving and moving forward, can be very detrimental to the relationship and your own well-being.

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The Real Cost of Divorce

THE REAL COST OF DIVORCE

Written by: seouser

Marriage can be difficult. Sometimes you may feel like you’re at your wits end and the relationship can’t be saved.

But are you aware of the real costs of getting divorce? It’s far beyond just money.

Check out the infographic we put together below about different stats related to divorce in Canada and the United States.

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5 Reasons Needy Romantic Partners Remain Insecure

 

5 REASONS NEEDY ROMANTIC PARTNERS REMAIN INSECURE

Kyle Benson

Have you ever met someone who was so desperate for love that they would do anything to try and keep a relationship working?

Um… Hi.

A few years ago, I was that guy. Needy, desperate, and insecure.

My past relationships have not worked out. Even when my college sweetheart took me to couples therapy, she was sleeping with someone behind my back. My next partner was an avoidant, and could only love me at an arm’s length. It was just enough to keep the carrot out in front, but not enough to feed me the love I was starving for.

I felt broken. Flawed. Unlovable.

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The Human Heart Was Made to Be Known and Loved

THE HUMAN HEART WAS MADE TO BE KNOWN AND LOVED

Kyle Benson

What were you made for?

You were made for someone to study you. To read you. To reflect on you. You were made for someone to be attuned to you.

Attunement is the desire and willingness for someone to travel into your inner world to explore who you are and who you are becoming. In a securely attached relationship, this connection cultivates trust that allows your heart to rest.

To truly love another, we must read them well. I’m not talking about the kind of reading where you skim to the parts of a book you think might be interesting, but the kind of reading that engages you in such a way that you are captivated by the story.

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Love Opens Doors

LOVE OPENS DOORS

Richard Innes

“Love never fails.”1

According to an article in Today in the Word, soon after Queen Victoria’s marriage to Prince Albert, the couple had a quarrel, whereupon Prince Albert locked himself in his private apartment. Queen Victoria knocked furiously on his door.

“Who’s there?” asked Albert.

“The Queen of England, and she demands to be admitted.”

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