4 Steps to Overcome Gridlock That Harms Relationships

4 STEPS TO OVERCOME GRIDLOCK THAT HARMS RELATIONSHIPS

Kyle Benson

All couples are bound to have arguments. When they struggle to manage these ongoing disagreements with constructive conflict conversations, the result is what Dr. John Gottman calls “gridlock.”

Gridlock is like a Chinese Finger Trap. Each partner pulls for his or her position, making compromise impossible.

finger-trap

My Dreams Are Becoming My Worst Nightmare

Our dreams are full of aspirations and wishes that are core to our identity and give our life purpose and meaning. Gridlock is a sign that each partner has dreams that the other hasn’t accepted, doesn’t respect, or isn’t aware of.

Some dreams are practical, like obtaining a certain amount of savings, while others are profound, like owning a beach house in Hawaii. The profound dreams often remain hidden beneath the practical ones.

For example, Kurt wants to make a seven-figure income, but why is that so important to him? Underneath his dream is a deep need for financial security.

When couples are in gridlock, it is only by uncovering the hidden dreams and symbolic meanings that they can get out of the Chinese Finger Trap.

Overcoming Gridlock

The way out is to first identify the dream within conflict. When partners are gridlocked, they see each other as the source of difficulty. They tend to ignore their part in creating the conflict because it’s hidden from view.

If you find yourself saying, “the only problem is his lack of intelligence,” that’s probably not the whole story.

Uncovering a hidden dream is a challenge and it won’t emerge until you feel the relationship is a safe place to talk about it. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to open up, focus on the first three principles in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

My Dreams Are Silly

Personal dreams often go unmentioned because people worry they will burden their partner or negatively impact the relationship. It’s common for partners not to feel entitled to their dreams, but when you bury a dream, it can lead to resentment and ultimately gridlock.

When you share your dreams with your partner, you give your marriage the opportunity to have a profound purpose and sense of shared meaning. As Dr. Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.”

4 Steps to Overcome Gridlock

When you begin to uncover the dreams beneath your gridlock, the problems in your marriage will not immediately go away. It may actually seem to worsen rather than improve. Be patient. The very nature of gridlock is that dreams are in opposition.

Step 1: Explore Each Other’s Dreams

Pick an issue that you both feel causes gridlock in your marriage. Take time to reflect on the hidden dreams that may underlie your position. Talk about it with your partner by using Dr. Gottman’s Conflict Blueprint for a truly effective conflict conversation. Focus on understanding your partner’s position.

What not to say:
Kris: I’ve always dreamed of buying a beach house in Hawaii.
Kurt: First of all, we can’t afford something like that. I can’t think of anything more stressful than trying to upkeep a property in the middle of the ocean. Think of all the wear and tear we will need to replace.
Kris: Forget it…

What to say instead:
Kris: I’ve always dreamed of buying a beach house in Hawaii.
Kurt: Tell me more about what it means to own a beach house in Hawaii. What would it do for you?
Kris: It would be heaven on earth. My family and I used to go every year and my parents always said they wanted to buy a beach house. I’d feel such a sense of accomplishment and we’d be able to invite my parents over! They’d be so proud.

Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage.

Step 2: Soothe Yourself and Each Other
Discussing deeply held dreams that are in opposition can be stressful. Pay attention to your stress levels. If flooding occurs, stop the conversation, take a break, and use repairs.

Step 3: Reach a Temporary Compromise
Now it’s time to make peace with this issue (for now) by accepting your differences and establishing some kind of initial compromise. Understand that this problem may never go away. The goal is to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of pain.
To do this, refer to the Conflict Blueprint to separate the issue into two categories:

  1. Non-negotiable areas: Aspects of the issue that you are unwilling to give up on because it will violate your basic needs or core values. Try to make this section as small as possible.
  2. Areas of flexibility: Parts of the issue where you can be flexible. Try to make this section as large as possible.

Share your list with your partner and work together to come up with a temporary compromise. This compromise should last about three months. Afterwards, you can review where both of you stand. Don’t expect to solve the problem yet. Your goal here is only to live with it more peacefully. After all, 69% of all problems in a relationship are unsolvable.

Here’s what Kris and Kurt did:

  1. They defined minimal core areas they are unwilling to change. Kris says she must have a house in Hawaii. Kurt says he must save $40,000 in order to feel financially secure.
  2. They defined areas of flexibility. Kris says she can settle for a condo, rather than a beachfront house. Even though she wants to buy now, she is willing to wait 3 years as long as they can work together to make it happen. Kurt says he can be flexible about how quickly they save, as long as he knows both of them are working towards this goal. They decide that 5% of their income goes into this savings account.
  3. They found a temporary compromise that honors both of their needs. They will buy a condo, but not for another three years. Meanwhile, they will devote half of their savings to a down payment and half into a mutual fund. In three months, they will review this plan and decide if it’s working or not.

Both Kris and Kurt realize that the underlying perpetual problem will never go away. Kris will always be the visionary, imagining a life on a beach, and Kurt is going to worry about their financial security. By learning to work with each other, both partners are able to cope with their differences, avoid gridlock, and work support each other in achieving their dreams.

Step 4: Give Thanks
Overcoming financial gridlock requires more than just one discussion about the issues that have deeply troubled your marriage. The goal with this step is to cultivate a culture of appreciation in which you express your gratitude for all you have. This will feel difficult after talking about such an emotionally charged issue, but that’s all the more reason to make effort to end the conflict conversation on a positive note.

The best way to cope with financial gridlock is to avoid it in the first place. Don’t wait until resentment has set in to ask your partner about their dreams – Dr. Gottman suggests becoming a “dream detective.”

By building your Love Maps, turning towards each other, and cultivating fondness and admiration, you will build trust and deeply understand each other. As you do this, you’ll discover the disagreements that once overwhelmed your relationship actually bring you closer together over time.

5 Rules for Having Constructive Relationship Conflict Conversation

5 RULES FOR HAVING CONSTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT CONVERSATION

Kyle Benson

How do you fight with your partner? Do you argue with them over how to love you or criticize them for their flaws?

Conflict conversations  in a relationship are not about the conflict. Most arguments are about nothing more than what the event means to each person in the relationship. It is the differences in personality, values, and perception, not the conflict, that are the root of disagreements.

So how do you work on those differences?

The Destructive Nature of Conflict Conversations

Have you ever felt like your partner was the enemy? In 1969, George Bach felt that way when he published The Intimate Enemy. Bach believed that relationships failed because partners didn’t air their resentments, so he encouraged couples to “let it all out.”

He gave couples foam rubber bats and encouraged partners to take turns saying what they resented about the other person. One partner might say, “I resent you for spending our money on a stupid boat we never use,” followed by a whack with the bat. Then the other partner might say, “I resent you for never having sex with me,” accompanied with a whack.

It turns out this method only made couples feel more resentful toward one another. “Letting it all out” is not the solution.

It’s important to reframe your approach toward a conflict conversation. Happy couples start conflict conversations gently and allow their partner to influence them. They work with each other to compromise and find a solution. In this way, anger and frustration can actually be a catalyst for profound growth in a relationship. Conflicts can be used to reconstruct the way we love each other over time.

How to Have a Constructive Conflict Conversation

Before you even have a conflict conversation in your relationship, I recommend reading Are Love Laws Throwing You in Relationship Jail? Below are five guidelines for making a conflict conversation work:
1. Be on the Same Team
People often perceive their partner as dissimilar to them, especially during conflict. They believe they have all the positive qualities and their partner only has a few or lots of negative traits.

When you give your partner a negative quality in your thoughts, try to see that same quality in yourself. And when you identify a positive quality in yourself, try to see that same quality in your partner. The assumption of similarity is what keeps The Story of Us focused on we-ness, not me-ness.

2. Stop if You’re Flooded
Couples can only have a constructive conflict conversation if they can manage their own physiological flooding. At its peak, flooding can cause couples to verbally attack each other. Any conversation you have while being flooded will be useless, if not damaging. Regrettable words will be said and partners will put up walls as they defend themselves against one another.

Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that a simple 20 to 30 minute break can really help you calm yourself down. During that time, do things that help you relax like taking a walk or listening to your favorite music.

3. Postpone Persuasion
Trying to persuade your partner to compromise before both of you have stated your position will lead to resentment and an unfair solution. If your partner feels unheard, they will unlikely to be motivated to open up and hear your side of the story. It is only when both partners feel understood by each other that you can begin to work together to find a compromise.

If your partner does not feel understood and accepts your persuasion, over time they may resent you or undermine the solution you set.

Slow down, understand each other, and the solution will last.

4. Express Your Needs
As a speaker, it’s your responsibility to express your needs in a way that your partner can do something about that will be successful for you. The trap most people fall into is only expressing how they want to feel: “I want to feel more loved.”

The problem is that it gives your partner no clue how to help you feel that way. A better way to ask for more love is, “I need a romantic date night once a week and an overnight to a bed and breakfast every two months.” Be as specific as you can.

5. Believe Both Points of View are Valid
When partners believe there is only one truth, they argue tooth and nail for their own position. That belief is a dead end.

There is only one essential assumption that will make the conversation about hurt feelings or the aftermath of a fight workout constructively: that in every disagreement or miscommunication, there are always two points of view, and they are both valid.

Once you accept that idea, it’s no longer necessary to argue for your own position. Now you can focus on understanding and validating your partner’s position.

Note: Validation and understanding are not the same as compliance or agreement.
This process will only work if both partners agree that there are two valid viewpoints, and if BOTH partners are not focused  on “facts” but on understanding the other’s side of the event.

These five rules will guide you to stop fighting and start connecting in your relationship. If you find you and your partner’s core needs are at war with each other, don’t fret. Check out the 4 Steps to Overcome Relationship Gridlock here.

Additionally, Dr. John Gottman’s 40 years of research with thousands of couples has revealed an effective conflict blueprint that provides both the speaker and listener with responsibilities for making the conversation constructive.

This exercise has been proven to be the most effective way to use conflicts as a catalyst for increasing the romance, affection, and appreciation in your relationship.

4 Key Issues for New Parents and How to Solve Them

4 KEY ISSUES FOR NEW PARENTS AND HOW TO SOLVE THEM

April Eldemire

We all know that having a new baby presents unique challenges, and research shows that couples are more likely to feel dissatisfied with their relationship after a child is born. As much as expecting parents plan and prepare, there is still so much to learn about raising a child while keeping their relationship with their partner intact.

In fact, according to research by The Gottman Institute, 67% of couples had become very unhappy with each other during the first three years of their baby’s life. Only 33% remained content.

As with any life transition, challenges are inevitable. It’s natural to disagree with your partner on issues around parenting, finances, household chores, and marital expectations. But as overwhelming as that sounds, it is possible to reach a solution that everyone is happy with.

Different Parenting Styles

Differences in parenting styles are a growing cause of concern in marriage, and issues can arise between couples even before they bring their new baby home if there is no established sense of unity and connectedness in place.

Perhaps your partner is in favor of sticking to a strict parenting routine, while you prefer to be more lax. Maybe you disagree on how to hold or change the baby. Whatever the issue, it can become a source of tension in your relationship, particularly if the problem is brought up repeatedly with an inability to see eye-to-eye.

Learning how to handle stress and conflict effectively in order to understand each other more clearly and reach compromise is essential. For example, through empathetic listening, you might realize that your partner wants to develop a routine so that everyone sleeps better. Once you understand their views and needs, you could compromise by creating a schedule that works for both of you.

Communicating effectively is key, so be sure to schedule some time to discuss parenting. Incorporate a daily stress-reducing conversation and a weekly state of the union meeting—even just 10 minutes a day of quality face time can drastically increase a couple’s friendship and intimacy.

When you and your partner disagree on parenting styles, it’s a sign that you both feel strongly about what’s best for the baby, which is not at all a bad thing, and couples counseling can help you focus on these positive intentions.

Changes in intimacy

Research shows that fewer than 20 percent of couples return to sexual activity in the first month after childbirth, and many couples can face problems with physical exhaustion, low sex drive, and the competing demands of their new baby when they do decide to start having sex again.

New moms struggle with hormonal shifts, body changes, recovering from childbirth, and issues like postpartum depression that can significantly reduce their desire for sex after birth. While intimacy is an important part of sustaining healthy relationships, it’s really important to create a situation that both partners feel comfortable with.

Start by discussing your expectations for physical touch, affection, and sex openly and honestly with the understanding that you might both be coming from very different places, eagerly trying to bridge the gap. Practice a judgment-free zone without becoming defensive and try not to take denied requests for sex and intimacy personally. Determine how best to say yes, and how best to say no, so that you both feel understood and respected.

Your partner trusts you enough to be vulnerable and wants a positive sex life, and it is a crucial time to respect that trust and vulnerability. And if you feel that you or your partner might take sexual rejection personally, talk about ways to indicate that you’re not feeling up to it that you both understand and that won’t be hurtful to either of you.

Fair distribution of chores

It’s easy for chores to pile up after a baby is born, and finding the right balance can be tricky, especially after both partners have life demands to deal with like returning to work, running errands, trying to exercise, seeing family members (especially those who haven’t yet met the baby), trying to find a few moments of personal downtime, and, of course, taking care of the new baby.

To help with the increased workload of caring for a child on top of everyday chores, a weekly planning discussion between you and your partner is imperative to coordinate schedules, share co-parenting duties, and keep the house clean and tidy for the baby.

During this discussion, you might decide that if your partner cooks dinner, you’ll do the dishes, or if you complete a job you really despise (like emptying the diaper bin), your partner will do it next time and you’ll take turns.

Arguing about chores might seem minor, but disagreements can quickly escalate to become major sticking points, so it’s best to tend to them on a weekly basis. Voicing your concerns and complaints early on in a respectful, non-blaming way will keep negativity at bay and will allow you to effectively resolve your issues together.

Financial disagreements

Most people know that raising a child is expensive. According to a report from the USDA, it will cost a middle-income family $233,610 to raise a child born in 2015 through to the age of 17. That’s some serious money, and the spending starts the moment you find out that you’re pregnant. This can put a lot of strain on your relationship, particularly if one partner is a big spender while the other prefers to save and be frugal.

Try sitting down together to create a financial plan for the year. This should include budgets for groceries, clothes, bills, utilities, medical care, prescriptions, and other essentials, as well as plans for college savings, family vacations, and larger purchases. Try to check in and discuss your finances at the same time each month in order to stay on top of things and make adjustments as needed. Financial planning is a skill that will serve you well for the rest of your relationship.

If you can address each of these issues as part of an overall parenting plan, then you can reduce the amount of stress you and your partner will experience while adapting to the life of being new parents. The two of you are a team, and while raising a child is a big challenge, you have each other’s backs. Stick to the plans you make, and remember that despite the pressures of parenting, your relationship can still be a wellspring of trust, love, and devotion.

Demonstrate Love

DEMONSTRATE LOVE

Family Life Radio

Victoria’s heart hurt. She’d just received news, a few days before, that the marriage of her best friend, Callie, had unexpectedly hit a breaking point. Although they were a part of her church family, few people really knew what was going on.

When she walked in to teach her Sunday school class, she could see the pain on the faces of Callie’s two youngest children. She silently prayed, “Lord, what can I do?”
 
She stepped up and greeted the kids in a different way. She said, “I am sad today. And it’s okay to be sad. Lots of times we put on a smile for everyone to see on the outside, but inside we hurt. You wouldn’t know that I was sad today, except that I told you.”
 
She then asked the children for a hug. “When our hearts hurt, we can share the love that God puts in our hearts with one another, and it helps us feel better. Would anyone want to give me a hug, today?” Immediately all of the children lined up. As she hugged each child, some of them admitted to her that they needed a hug too, including Callie’s children.
 
The atmosphere in the room changed. Her simple demonstration of honesty and love had turned things around for her entire classroom. She encouraged her children to ask for a hug from others if they felt they needed one during the next week.

Today’s One Thing

Demonstrate God’s love to someone in a special way today. If you’re not sure how, ask God to show you. There are times in our lives where our authenticity can open the door for our friends or family to share with us things they may be facing or even encourage them to know that no one has a perfect life. We are all struggling together and can lean on one another and God for help in our time of need!

Divorce prevention: the light switch of love dilemma

DIVORCE PREVENTION: THE LIGHT SWITCH OF LOVE DILEMMA

Kyle Benson

Love is like a light switch.

When people fall in love, the light turns on. They typically feel excited, captivated, and eager to get to know their partners. They see each other in a positive light.

When couples divorce, the most common reason is that they “grew apart.” Essentially, the light switched off at some point.

So what happened?

The way it plays out reminds me of something from my childhood imagination.

As a child, I used to hate when my parents turned off my bedroom light.

I would start seeing Batman in my closet and fear that he was going to kidnap me.

When an earthquake would happen while I was sleeping, my first thought was that the Joker (from Batman) was under my bed trying to get me.

When the light switch was off, I would imagine all the worst things happening.

This happens in relationships too.

When the light is on, couples will experience negative events in the relationship, yet still evaluate the relationship as satisfying overall.

However, as negative experiences accumulate (without repair and constructive changes), the light switch reaches a tipping point.[1]

It turns off.

All of a sudden we evaluate our relationship as dissatisfying.

With the lights off, our brains imagine the worst intentions of our partner.

Of the 19% of couples who seek out help with their marital challenges, most start couples therapy with the lights off, as evidenced by research revealing that couples wait six years on average before seeking outside help.[2]

As a result, they have to accumulate a lot of positive experiences while having a dissatisfying view of their relationship just to turn the light switch on. That’s hard.

It’s like my dad telling me Batman isn’t in my bedroom closet, but my imagination saying he is. I want to trust my dad, but my brain is screaming “See! See! There’s Batman.”

Research confirms this. When we have a negative perspective of our partner, we even misinterpret the neutral and positive actions of our partner as negative.[3]

The divorce rate for first marriages in the U.S. is around 45% and the divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.[4] Despite these high numbers, only a third of couples who divorce work with a counselor, coach, or therapist before signing the papers.[5]

What this illuminates is that there are opportunities to repair and strengthen a relationship before the light switches off.

Like most things in life, prevention is often the best intervention.

The goal of prevention includes three key steps:

  1. Stop negative interactions in a relationship from eroding trustemotional connection, and intimacy.
  2. Catch the accumulating problems early and turn the issues into material to construct a stronger and more secure relationship.
  3. Proactively strengthen both a couple’s friendship and their emotional and sexual intimacy while exploring ways to create a meaningful bond.

Let’s keep the lights on,

Kyle

P.S. Prevention options are listed below.

P.S.S. While this article is pro-relationship, it is not my position to decide whether you should stay or leave a relationship. After all, it is your love life. Clients who have worked with me know that I am not pro-relationship or pro-separation. My goal is to help the couple clean things up so they can decide for themselves from a mature place. I would also say that I have recommended people leave abusive, or unhealthy relationships in which partners do not want to become secure-functioning.

Prevention Options:

  1. Bibliotherapy: Books and articles can help you improve your relationship. Ideally, both partners engage with this. My top three book suggestions are Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of LoveFighting For Your Marriage (this one has a DVD with example conflict conversations), and Relationship Rx.
  2. Psychoeducational: This includes online courses and in-person workshops. My top three suggestions include The 7-Day Emotional Connection Challenge, a live event such as The Art and Science of Love, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work (Google search in your area), and Hold Me Tight (Google search in your area), or completing other online evidenced-based courses such as OurRelationship.com and Rock Solid Marriage.
  3. Take an Annual Couple Checkup: Research from Clark University in Oregon indicates that having an annual marriage checkup can positively decrease the chances of a relationship getting worse and help strengthen a relationship overtime. All of us do health checkups, shouldn’t we do the same for our marriage? If you’re in Oregon, you can check it out here. You can also take the Couples Checkup by Prepare-Enrich here (they also send you a variety of discussion questions to support you in making changes). Another checkup option is RELATE.
  4. Seek Personalized Support: If you are on the brink of divorce, I might recommend starting with Discernment Counseling before starting therapy. Furthermore, therapy and coaching offer a variety of ways to receive one-on-one support. Depending on your needs, you can do marathon therapy, weekly sessions, or virtual sessions via video chat. I’d recommend working with someone who has professional training in couples therapy. Here are some places you can search for a therapist near you: Gottman TherapistEmotionally Focused Couples TherapistPACT TherapistAASECT (for support with sex and intimacy challenges) and Imago Therapist.


Sources


[1]Gottman, J. M., Silver, N., & Berkrot, P. (2012). What makes love last?: how to build trust and avoid betrayal. Old Saybrook, CT: Tantor Media.

[2]Johnson, C., Stanely, S., Glenn, N., Amato, P., Nock, S., Markman, H., & Dion, M. (2002). Marriage in Oklahoma: 2001 baseline statewide survey on marriage and divorce (SO2096 OKDHS). Oklahoma City, OK: Oklahoma Department of Human Services.

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NK: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates

[3]Robinson, E. A., & Price, M. G. (1980). Pleasurable behavior in marital interaction: An observational study. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology , 48(1), 117-118 DOI: 10.1037/0022-006X.48.1.117

[4]https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-is-divorc…

[5]Johnson, C., Stanely, S., Glenn, N., Amato, P., Nock, S., Markman, H., & Dion, M. (2002). Marriage in Oklahoma: 2001 baseline statewide survey on marriage and divorce (SO2096 OKDHS). Oklahoma City, OK: Oklahoma Department of Human Services.

What to Know Before Adopting a Child

WHAT TO KNOW BEFORE ADOPTING A CHILD

David Dodge

There are three main paths to adopting. The route you choose will be based on personal, legal and financial factors.

THE GIST

  • There are two main ways to adopt a newborn within the United States: through an agency or a private attorney. The latter is referred to as an “independent” or “private” adoption. 
  • International adoption is becoming less common and more difficult, but an accredited adoption agency or professional can help you navigate the process. 
  • Adopting through foster care is essentially free and comes with support — but make sure you have the capacity to help a foster child succeed.  
  • If you are exploring the possibility of adopting a child with a different background from your own, educate yourself on the nuances involved in forming a transracial or transcultural family.  
  • All adoptive parents must complete a “home study,” the process that will clear your way to being able to legally adopt.  
  • Most adoptions today have some degree of contact between birth and adoptive families. Just how “open” your arrangement is will be determined via a negotiated process.  
  • Adoption can cost as much as $50,000 — but resources exist to help offset some expenses. 

The process of adopting can be a long, complicated and emotional ride, with far more legal and financial roadblocks than many people assume. But, as most adoptive parents will tell you, it’s also a deeply fulfilling journey.  

There are three main paths to adopting in the United States: through the foster care system, with the help of a local adoption agency or private attorney, and internationally. The route you choose will ultimately be based on a number of personal, legal and financial factors.  

Know your reasons for adopting — and accept your limits.

Before embarking on an adoption process, you should be clear about your motivations for doing so. “This is a lifelong decision you’re making,” said Rita Soronen, president and C.E.O. of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, so it’s important to be honest about any specific needs you may have. Any limit you identify should not be construed as a “failure,” Soronen clarified. “It’s an honest personal assessment.” Below are some of the more common questions adoption experts suggest you explore to help identify whether and which kind of adoption is right for you:  

  • Is it important to you to parent a newborn, or are you open to adopting an older child? How about a sibling group? 
  • Would your home be an appropriate fit for a child with special needs? Or an infant who was exposed prenatally to drugs and alcohol?  
  • If you are matched with a child of another race or background, are you prepared to educate yourself on the nuances of forming an interracial or intercultural family? 
  • How much contact are you comfortable having between you and your adopted child, and his or her birth family? 

There are tons of resources available online to explore these and many other issues related to adoption. The federal government’s Child Welfare Information Gateway provides free resources on a wide variety of topics and is a good place to start your research. A number of well-regarded non-profit resources exist as well, including: AdoptUsKidsCreating a Family, the National Council for Adoption, and the North American Council on Adoptable Children. 

Decide which adoption path is right for you.

  • Foster-adopt: According to the United States Children’s Bureau, there are over 440,000 children in the foster care system, over a quarter of who have been legally “freed” for adoption. This makes foster care “a very real option” for prospective adoptive parents, said Laurie Goldheim, Adoption Director for the Academy of Adoption and Assisted Reproduction Attorneys (A.A.A.A.). While children who have not been legally “freed” may eventually become eligible for adoption, Goldheim stresses that the government’s primary goal in these instances is to reunite the children with their biological families. 

“These children are in foster care for a reason,” said Soronen of the Dave Thomas Foundation. Most are school-aged children over the age of 8 who have suffered some form of trauma or neglect. The Child Welfare Information Gateway has some resources to help prepare foster-adopt parents for the realities of parenting a child who has experienced grief. 

But the best training you’ll receive, according to Soronen, comes once you’ve begun the certification process. “Every parent is required to complete a home study and 20 to 30 hours of training,” she said. “It’s time-consuming, but very educational.” Soronen says this process can also serves as a “reality check” for parents, meaning you’ll have “plenty of opportunities to decide whether foster-adopt is right for you.” As a first step, she recommends simply making a call to a certified foster care agency to begin the conversation. 

  • Domestic infant adoption: If you hope to parent a newborn, there are two main paths to doing so: through an adoption agency or a private adoption lawyer—the latter is often referred to as an “independent” or “private” adoption. “Which you choose will really just depend on how involved you want to be in the process,” said Deborah E. Guston, former Director of the A.A.A.A. An adoption agency, she explained, typically manages all aspects of the adoption process for you, from start to finish. 

If you adopt independently, you will be responsible for aspects an agency would normally handle, like finding a prospective birth parent through advertising, and hiring an agency to conduct your home study. “Independent adoptions are usually good for people who want to be deeply involved in the process,” Guston said. “Those who don’t mind ceding control may prefer the comfort of an agency.” Independent adoption isn’t legal in all states, and even where available, restrictions often apply. Consult an experienced adoption lawyer for help navigating the laws in your state. 

  • International adoption: Adopting abroad has been steadily declining in recent years, thanks to the closure of several countries’ international adoption programs. Still, thousands of parents successfully adopt children from abroad each year. The process for doing so can vary considerably by country. “Some restrict who can adopt based on marital status, sexual orientation, or age,” said Goldheim of the A.A.A.A. “Even your body mass index can play a role.” You can visit the U.S. Department of State’s page on intercountry adoption to familiarize yourself with individual countries’ adoption laws — be sure to keep checking back since laws can change rapidly. An accredited provider will be necessary to guide you through the process. 

Choose your adoption professionals carefully.

Finding an adoption agency or lawyer can be a daunting prospect. As a first step, Becky Fawcett of HelpUsAdopt.org suggests tapping your own network. “Just start talking about it with people you trust,” said Fawcett. “Sometimes you’ll be surprised by who has a good recommendation — you never know who may have been touched by adoption in some way.” 

You can also search online. The Child Welfare Information Gateway maintains a directory of all state-certified adoption and foster care agencies. If adopting independently, the Academy of Adoption & Assisted Reproduction Attorneys is generally regarded as the best resource for finding a lawyer. If looking abroad, you can find professionals who are licensed to conduct international adoptions through the Intercountry Adoption Accreditation and Maintenance Entity

The relationship that exists between prospective adoptive parents and their professionals is an “intimate” one, says Guston of the A.A.A.A. “So it really is important to not make your decision lightly — call several agencies and lawyers and ask lots of questions.” 

Prepare for the home study.

No matter which adoption path you choose, you will be required to complete a home study, the process that clears the way for you to legally adopt. “A good home study will have two parts: evaluation and education,” said Dawn Davenport, Executive Director of the non-profit group, Creating a Family. “Your case worker should be assessing your fitness to serve as an adoptive parent, as well as educating you and providing you with resources.” 

Though it varies by state and by agency, home studies generally take anywhere from three to six months to complete and include: several visits to your home by a case worker, health exams, proof of income and health coverage, a criminal background check, and the names of several people close to you who can serve as references. For more detailed information on what to expect from and how to prepare for the home study process, explore resources made available by the Child Welfare Information Gateway and Creating a Family.

Decide how “open” you want your adoption to be.

There is a clear trend in the United States towards maintaining some degree of contact between birth and adoptive families, thanks in part to ongoing research that has found benefits for all involved. Just how “open” your arrangement is will be the result of a negotiated process between you and your child’s birth family. “It can range anywhere from letters being exchanged once a year on the child’s birthday, to frequent in person visits,” said Davenport of Creating a Family. 

Even in the case of a “closed” adoption, Davenport notes that children will still be able to access some identifying information about their birth parents when they turn 18. The popularity of commercially available DNA testing services, like Ancestry.com and 23andMe, has also made the process of finding birth relatives so easy that the notion of an entirely “closed adoption” is now all but obsolete. Creating a Family dedicates several resources on its website to open adoption as does the Child Welfare Information Gateway

Know the costs.

Adopting through foster care is essentially free and often comes with subsidies. But the costs associated with other paths can be considerable. According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, an agency adoption generally ranges from $20,000 to $45,000, an independent adoption from $15,000 to $40,000, and an international adoption from $20,000 to $50,000. 

“With so many children needing good homes, cost should never be the reason people don’t adopt,” said Fawcett, whose organization, HelpUsAdopt.org, provides donations of up to $15,000 to help offset the costs of adoption. A number of additional grant and loan opportunities are also available. “Also be sure to check with your employer,” Fawcett said, as many offer adoption benefits or assistance programs. Also, check to see if you qualify for the adoption tax credit

A note for single, unmarried, and LGBTQ prospective adoptive parents.

Some states have enacted bills that allow state welfare agencies to legally discriminate against people on the basis of religion: this has complicated the efforts of some prospective adoptive parents who identify as LGBTQ, are single, or are part of an unmarried couple. If adopting through an agency, choose one listed on the Human Rights Campaign’s All Children – All Families database of agencies committed to nondiscriminatory policies. The LGBT Bar Association’s Family Law Institute also maintains a directory of lawyers committed to diversity.

SOURCES

Becky Fawcett, Founder and Director, HelpUsAdopt, December 20, 2018  

Deborah E. Guston, Esq. Immediate Past President, Adoption & Assisted Reproduction Attorneys (A.A.A.A.), January 9, 2019. 

Laurie Goldheim, Esq., Adoption Director, Adoption & Assisted Reproduction Attorneys (A.A.A.A.), January 8, 2019. 

Dawn Davenport, Executive Director, Creating a Family, January 14, 2018. Rita Soronen, President and C.E.O., the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, January 16, 2019. 

If you stopped believing in love, read this essay now

IF YOU STOPPED BELIEVING IN LOVE, READ THIS ESSAY NOW

Karen Salmansohn

Have you endured a lot of heartbreak, and now you’ve stopped believing in love? I’m here to give you the courage and insights you need to trust love one more time. Read on…

It’s always fascinating to me the responses I receive when I tell women that if they want to break their Prince Harming patterns, then they must stop overly prioritizing finding a man who is sexy and successful.

They must ALSO prioritize finding a man who:

  • values growing
  • revels in open, honest communication
  • displays 20/20 listening skills
  • shows a  Gumby-like flexibility for compromise

Often women wind up laughing heartily at my description of this evolved kind of man.

They insist this type of man does not exist!

“You’re a female chauvinist! I’ve called these women.

I then further explain to these women how prejudiced they are being – because they cannot believe it’s possible for men to be emotionally evolved.

It’s no wonder these women have stopped believing in love!

How can they believe in love – when they have stopped believing there are men out there who are capable of communicating honestly and deeply from their hearts?

“You’re basically saying that all men are emotional bimbos,” I tell these women.

Usually the combo of the words “female chauvinist” and “emotional bimbo” shock these women into a fuller awareness of how gender-prejudiced they’re being.

Next up…

I tell these women that they must stop being “negative evidence collectors,” seeking proof that all men are “emotional bimbos.

Plus I warn these women about how they can accidentally encourage a self-fulfilling prophecy of bad behavior from their man –   if they treat a good man to their bad attitude toward him.

The solution?

I instruct these women to become “positive evidence collectors.

Their assignment: They must mindfully start to look for proof of the plentiful, wonderful Prince Charming–esque guys who are out there.

  • These good men could be married to or dating their lucky girlfriends.
  • Or they could be written up in the news.
  • Maybe they are working alongside them at their offices.
  • Plus they could even be in the very bed with them – right beside them!

Finally…

I warn women against using the words “always” and “never” – in either reference to their love life or men as a category.

Two examples:

  • “I will never find a man who values growing.”
  • “I always meet guys who cheat.”

Any time you create a sentence with an “always” and/or “never” you set yourself up with a limiting belief that can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom and gloom.

Basically when you use “always” and/or “never” in a sentence, you put yourself in a hopeless, depressed frame of mind.

In fact…

Whenever I’m with someone who says they’re depressed, I assign them to jackhammer-drill down to find and dump their pesky “always” and/or “never.”

Usually one of these two words is at the root of their depression – draining them of faith and vitality.

The words “Always” and “Never” are liars.

They whisper mean beliefs into your subconscious and conscious mind, about how you will forever be unable to change your situation.

Psychologists call these beliefs “permanent” and “pervasive.”

They are wildly dangerous to your spirit and your potential for a happily ever after destiny.

The truth is:

It’s very rare that there’s a “never” or an “always” in someone’s life.

Have you stopped believing in love?

  • If so, try to locate your “always” and “never” limiting beliefs.
  • Try to understand the root of these beliefs. Do they come from your childhood and/or a series of bad experiences?
  • Next, be willing to unblock these limiting beliefs. Be open to the possibility that you can find a good partner – someone who truly has lots of emotionally evolved qualities!
  • This brings us to lawyer time. Pretend you’re a lawyer! Find proof that your “always” and “never” are liars!
  • Finally – get yourself to fully accept that good partners are very much walking around on this planet! Once you believe in the existence of these good quality people – you will be more likely to find them!!

It’s amazing how powerful changing your belief system can be. When you change the way you look at men and love, you wind up changing what you notice and find.

How to heal from heartbreak and get stronger sooner

HOW TO HEAL FROM HEARTBREAK AND GET STRONGER SOONER

Karen Salmansohn

When your heart is broken, you can feel like your whole life is broken. These four tools will help you to heal from heartbreak – and move on stronger and wiser – and more quickly.

I refuse to ever become Rhonda Rifkin – the fake name for a real woman I know – who went a little nutso after a horrific divorce.

Post-break-up, Rhonda moved into a new apartment, a cheap but dilapidated one bedroom. The walls were cracked and peeling, the carpet stained and torn. Rhonda, however, was too miserable from her break up to think about interior design. Her only new investments:

  • A new cast iron bed. (She couldn’t sleep on the same bed once shared with her ex.)
  • A huge dollhouse.

Soon Rhonda ignored her new bed, spent all her time and money on this dollhouse, buying it little sofas and petite antique armoires. In the evenings Rhonda would stay in refurbishing her miniature house – wallpapering its petite kitchen and shellacking its tiny living room floor.

Meanwhile, everything else in Rhonda’s own human-sized home was falling apart.

Eventually she bought a little dollhouse family – and I never heard from her again.

Yes, Rhonda went a wee bit crazy from bad love.

Oddly enough, this is a true story. I kid you not!

After a particularly challenging break up (which I’ve shared about here), I began thinking a lot about Rhonda Rifkin.  I started to more fully understand how easy it could be to allow a tough time to harden your heart.

Although I never went so far as to buy a dollhouse, I did similarly begin to avoid the company of people – and prefer to stay home alone – except for the company of my dog Maxine – “my better one-eighth.”

Maxine was a nine pound mutt – part Jack Russell Terrier, part Chihuahua, part spiritual healer.

After the break up, I found myself spending many hours alone with Maxine, laying on my bed softly crying. Maxine would nuzzle up next to me and lick the falling tears from my face.

At the time I wasn’t sure if Maxine was licking my tears out of loving canine support   – or because she enjoyed their salty flavor. Such was my state of cynicism – that I became suspicious of the affections of my longtime faithful dog.

I also became suspicious about the inner workings of the universe.

I questioned what kind of universe would purposefully create a living, breathing creature called “Total A**hole” and allow this creature to roam our planet, hurting others in its path!

Simultaneously I was determined to push past my cynicism and hopelessness. With this in mind, I began reading as many inspiring books as I could – looking for helpful research studies and motivational stories on how others had bounced back from challenging events.

Below are my top 4 tools which helped me to move on from my broken heart.

4 Tools To Help You Heal From Heartbreak

1. Heartbreak Healing Tool 

My first tool I developed was starting an “Invisible Blessings Journal.” I developed this tool after reading research studies by Professor Richard Lucas, from Michigan State University. Lucas looked at people who had experienced debilitating injuries – who were told they’d never be able to walk again.

Lucas’ studies showed that although at first many folks were mired in cynicism and hopelessness, eventually these people not only returned to their former “happiness set point,” many reported rebounding to a higher-than-usual good mood – becoming happier than they were before their trauma!

Lucas’ explanation:  The darkness surrounding a bad event eventually helped people to better notice all the bright good stuff in their life.

Basically, after a challenging event, people developed a heightened awareness of what I call “invisible blessings” – all the good stuff we take for granted.

When I read this, I decided to speed up my clarity for the good stuff.

I began what I called “My Invisible Blessings Journal.”

Each day I’d write down 5 things I was grateful about having in my life.

I forced myself to always write 5 new and different things.

Eventually amassed quite a long list of invisible blessings.

2. Heartbreak Healing Tool

I began meditating – 15 minutes every day.

In my reading of inspiring books, I consistently found studies which support how meditation can retrain your brain to be “better wired” for calmness and happiness.

I know lots of people assume meditation is some Buddhist mumbo-jumbo. But it’s truly been scientifically documented to create therapeutic neurological changes.

For example, Dr. Richard Davidson, one of the world’s foremost brain scientists, had the lucky opportunity to test the brain of a Senior Tibetan Lama — a man known for meditating many hours daily.

Sure enough Davidson discovered that this Senior Tibetan Lama had an “extreme left-to-right ratio” in his prefrontal cortex — the M.R.I. sign of a happy, relaxed mind.

More Neuroscientific Cliff Notes:

Meditation strengthens the neurological circuits which calm the brain.

Basically, meditation creates a kind of “buffer” between our brain’s violent impulses and our actions. Hence why if you meditate regularly you physically feel less stressful and less aggressive.

With this in mind, I began meditating in the morning, right before I brushed my teeth. On an interesting side note, these two morning habits actually share the same purpose and process – just for different body parts.

Think about it:

  • When you brush your teeth, you’re removing the buildup of plaque (and stray spinach!).
  • When you meditate, you’re removing the buildup of fear and worry.

3. Heartbreak Healing Tool

Another powerful tool: Visualization. In my research, I found many studies which support how repeated visualization of a happy future can help your brain to lighten up – literally. The aspects of your brain associated with positivity wind up lighting up more in your present when you think positively about your future.

With this in mind, I bought a scheduling book which had a calendared set-up.

I wrote on the front “My Happily-ever-after Future.

Next, I created pages for the upcoming 12 months – describing how I envisioned each month unfolding in a joyful, peaceful way.

Finally, I pre-planned in this 12 month calendar a range of positive steps I could take to move forward to my “happily ever future.” Plus, I made sure to make my plans and goals as reasonable as possible.

This was amazingly therapeutic for me to envision my life happily unfolding.

Basically, this 12 month schedule of recovery allowed me to both hold the vision and embrace the process.

4. Heartbreak Healing Tool 

In my research I also found that mantras can help. One of my go-to mantras became: “Bitterness is not an option!”  I repeated this whenever I felt my heart begin to harden.

I also developed a funny mantra:

“Every jerk has a silver lining.”

This mantra helped to motivate me to look for the silver lining benefits to my ex. Plus lessons to learn – and growth opportunities to help me evolve.

I also include a few more healing mantras in my book Instant Calm.

Heal your heart… If you’re having a difficult time feeling happy and letting go of emotional pain, check out all the many relaxing and healing 2-minute sensory meditations in Instant Calm.

5 Simple (But Essential) Reasons to Stop Watching Porn Today

5 SIMPLE (BUT ESSENTIAL) REASONS TO STOP WATCHING PORN TODAY

Greg Hintz

He sat there, broken and exposed like never before.

“I didn’t think it would end like this. I didn’t think it would go so far.” He whispered the words through tears and gritted teeth.

I had worked with people suffering from pornography addiction very closely for the past three years, but I hadn’t seen this level of loss. A marriage destroyed. A family severed. A high level career in shambles. A man at the brink of giving up on life.

I broke the silence. “What? What wouldn’t go so far?”

“Pornography.” He looked me square in the eyes. “Porn just grabbed a hold of me and wouldn’t let go. It consumed my life.”

This man’s story is like many men’s stories. Porn has a way of sinking its talons deep into our lives and not letting go. Many people don’t think that porn will have a negative effect on their life. They don’t know the full ramifications or the incredibly adverse effects that continued exposure to pornography can have. That is, until it goes too far.

So, whether you are just getting started or find yourself stuck in the quick sand of pornography, let me give you five straightforward but essential reasons to quit today.

1. Better Relationships

Did you know that there is a 300% increase in divorce for homes where one or more people in the relationship regularly look at pornography?¹

In Scripture, Jesus says, “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:28).

There is a connection with those we ‘lust after’ that will get in the way of our relationship every time. Our eyes and attention are called to be in one direction, but porn has a way of diverting our attention in many different directions.

Giving up porn will remove the massive barrier standing in front of our relationships and focus our attention on restoration.

2.  Free Space in Your Mind

Porn happens to be fantastic at forming new, long-lasting pathways in the brain. Over time, these images or videos become burned into the brain, taking up space. These memories can turn into objectification of the people you see every day, repeating these images in your mind over and over again.

As these images or videos increase, so does the space that is stored up in our minds. There is an acronym often used to describe the effect that these images have on our mind and our daily interactions. It’s FOE. It stand for “fantasy,” “objectification,” and “euphoric recall.”

Porn will increase the amount of FOEs that we face each day.

Quitting porn, however, will free up space in your mind that can be used for good, not objectification.

3. Better Sex

Some of you are wondering why I didn’t start with this one!

Did you know that porn can cause erectile dysfunction in men? That’s right, no more erections! In fact, psychiatry professor Norman Doidge reported in his book The Brain That Changes Itself that removal of internet pornography use reversed impotence and sexual arousal problems in his patients.

I am reminded of the words of Jesus when he said, “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and life abundantly” (John 10:10).

Isn’t it just like the devil to entice us to see all the sexually explicit things that we want, and then have the ability to enjoy sexual activity with another stripped away? You deserve to have great sex and that starts with taking the pornography out of your life.

4. Less Stress

Watching porn has a natural way of increasing stress and releasing cortisol (a steroid hormone) into your system. However, think about the stress you feel every time someone is on your computer, looking at your Netflix queue, or asking to borrow your phone. That stress would be completely lifted off by quitting porn. There will no longer be that fear or shame of “being caught.”

I heard a saying the other day that went like this: “The best gift you can give yourself is the gift of a clean conscience.”

How true this is! I have been on both sides of the coin. I have had that fear and stress controlling me, and I’ve also been on the side of a clean conscience. There is no question as to where I’d rather be. I’m grateful for less stress.

5. Living in Integrity

Integrity has been described as “living with the lights on” or “acting the same in front of people as you do when no one is watching.” Some would describe this as living with authenticity—being true to YOU. By quitting porn, many begin to live in truth and integrity.

I have never found someone who said, “Watching porn is helping me become my best self!” In fact, the reaction from everyone I’ve talked to has been quite the opposite. Pornography has caused them to live outside of their values, keeping secrets and lying to those they love the most. When you live in integrity, you are able to be the same person no matter where you find yourself.

One of my favorite conversations can be found in the book Alice in Wonderland, written by Lewis Carroll. There is a scene where Alice is lost. She is trying to figure out where to go, but there are all of these signs pointing in different directions. As she is trying to make the right choice, the Cheshire Cat shows up.

Their conversation goes like this:

Alice: “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

The Cheshire Cat: “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

Alice: “I don’t much care where.”

The Cheshire Cat: “Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.”

Alice: “… So long as I get somewhere.”

The Cheshire Cat: “Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

For some reading this article, you’ve walked long enough. This is your moment. Change is sitting right in front of you, but you will have to take that first step. You will have to make the decision of where you “want to get to.” Is it a life free from porn? Is it a place of honesty and integrity? Is it living authentically?

If so, you’re in the right place. So, take that first step today! Decide where you want to get to and begin your journey to a porn-free life!

¹ “Internet Pornography by the Numbers: A Significant Threat to Society.” Webroot. n.d. Web.

If you have (or had) toxic relationships of any kind, read this now!

IF YOU HAVE (OR HAD) TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS OF ANY KIND, READ THIS NOW!

Karen Salmansohn

This is a vulnerable story – about an unconventional therapist I saw – who helped me to learn how to get out of bad toxic relationships.

About a decade and a half ago I used to joke that for me all dating should be re-named ‘blind-dating” – and instead of saying I was “seeing someone right now” – I should be more honest, and say, “I’m dimly viewing someone.”

I remember I was once “dimly viewing” this particular guy. I’ve written about him before.

I explained how every time I said this guy’s name, my girlfriends would sing the theme song to Batman. Not because this man looked great in black Spandex tights. No, no. It was because he was a bad man.

“Dadadadadadada Bad-man! Bad-man!” my girlfriends would sing, right after I’d finish telling a particularly bad Bad-man episode—of which there were many.

Let’s call this ex of mine “Bruce Wayne” – to protect his not-so-innocent secret identity.

Today I want to share something I never told you about Bruce.

Ready?

Bruce’s “dadadadadada bad-behavior” began very early on – a few weeks into our relationship.

Yep, right out of the gate Bruce displayed what I felt were highly controlling and jealous behaviors, products of paranoia.

Yet I continued to date him.

I even went away with Bruce for a weeklong vacation in Turkey – where we had a very big fight one evening.  I made a silly joke to our Turkish waiter – who then laughed – and touched my shoulder before he left our table. Bruce then became convinced that I was flirting with this Turkish waiter.

Bruce specifically wanted to know if I’d rather be dating this Turkish waiter – a man who could barely speak English – plus lived well beyond a 5,000 mile radius of my zip code.

I kept reassuring Bruce I was not the teeniest bit interested in this Turkish dude – yet Bruce refused to talk to me for a full two days of our vacation!

When I came home from vacation, I sought out therapy.

I found a nice older psychotherapist, named Sid, who eventually became like a “grandfather from another great-grand-mother.” I adored Sid.

“You’ll never believe what Bruce said/did last night,” I’d begin each and every therapy session. And then I’d launch into another “Dadadadadadada Bad-man Episode”!

  • “Bruce said he doesn’t want me to have brunch with girlfriends on weekends anymore – unless he comes along.”
  • “Plus, he doesn’t want me to take an evening painting class – because he thinks I just want to meet someone.”
  • “Also, he doesn’t want me to go to the gym  – because he thinks I just want to meet someone.
  • “Aaaaannnd…he told me he doesn’t like it when I come home happy from work – because he worries I enjoy work more than him! He actually became angry the other day because I came home so happy!”

Each week I’d tell Sid story after story – quickly followed by rationalization after rationalization – always explaining why I should stay with Bruce.

“You know what your problem is Karen?” Sid asked me one session.  “You’re so smart, you’re stupid.”

I laughed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You are able to over-think things so much – that you wind up talking yourself out of what you already know.”

“So you think I should break up with Bruce?” I asked.

Sid sighed loudly. “I’m a therapist. I’m not supposed to tell you what to do. But if you want my honest opinion… I can’t believe you’re gonna stay with him, when he’s an asshole.”

“Wow! I can’t believe you just called Bruce an a***hole,” I said. “But you’re right, he is an a**hole.”

“Actually, I didn’t call HIM an a**hole! I called YOU an a**hole. You heard me wrong. I said, ‘If you continue to stay with Bruce, then YOU are an a**hole.’”

“What? I’m not the a**hole! Bruce is the a**hole!”

“At this point, Karen, if you stay with Bruce knowing what you know – then YOU are the a**hole.”

“I’m the a**hole?”

I repeated this word out loud – a word as opposite in content as a mantra could ever be – but alas, more powerful than any mantra I’d ever used.

This word “a**hole” became my wakeup call!

Sid was right. If I stayed with someone who was so very toxic to my wellbeing  – then I became the A**hole to me – for allowing this soul-crushing, freedom-squelching relationship to continue!

“Listen, Karen,” Sid said, “at this point in therapy we are simply wasting time talking about Bruce – and how messed up he is. Quite frankly, you are only using stories about Bruce to distract yourself from your real issues – and the important inner work you have to do on yourself. It’s time we talk about the white elephant in the room: your wounds! There’s obviously something so wounded inside of you, that you feel the need to stay with Bruce – when he is so toxic.

Although this story about toxic relationships happened well over a decade ago, I think about it often.

I particularly think about it whenever I’ve found myself starting to enter into what I intuit might be a toxic relationship – be it in love, business or friendship.

I feel if we’re not careful we can all find ourselves wasting a lot of precious tick-tocking time complaining about how badly someone is behaving towards us.

If you’re dealing with bad toxic relationships, you need to stop asking…

“Why is this person treating me this way?”  

“Why did this person do that crappy thing to me?”

“What is wrong with this person?”

“Are they an a**hole?”

“Sociopath?”

“Narcissist?”

“Isn’t this person simply just a terrible person?”

The really important questions to ask… so you can move on from bad toxic relationships…

“What did I miss in the vetting process that I allowed this person into my life?”

“What is wounded inside me that I choose/chose to stay with this person for as long as I do/did?”

“How can I grow from this experience – so it doesn’t repeat itself into a bad pattern?”

“Do I want to make this a story about how I was a victim – or how I became a victor?”

“Do I want to waste my time, thoughts and energy on toxicity or use it for a higher purpose?”

“Aren’t I wise and strong for how I moved on to be with better people and live better days?”

If you’re presently caught up in telling stories about the toxic misbehaviors of someone – the time has come to stop getting caught up in name-calling, contempt and blame.

The time has come to recognize you’re just distracting yourself with all the drama, chaos and static!

Yep, the more you stay with and/or complain about a toxic person, the more you’re merely delaying doing the important inner work you need to do – to heal your wounds, expand your limiting beliefs, and show yourself far more love and respect.

All of this time expended on them could be time spent on expanding you – growing who you are!

My lesson/your lesson:

  • Don’t be an a**hole to yourself.
  • Stop staying with (and/or complaining about) toxic people.
  • Choose to focus your time, energy and conversation around people who inspire you, support you and help you to grow you into your happiest, strongest, wisest self.

Heal and move on from toxic relationships.

%d bloggers like this: