Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner’s Feelings, Connect with Them Instead



Kyle Benson

One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. As psychologist Carl Rogers put it, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”

Think back to a time when you were listened to and really felt heard. How did it feel to be seen as you were?

The last letter in Dr. Gottman’s ATTUNE model is E and it stands for Empathy. Brené Brown describes empathy beautifully in this brief animated video.

Empathy is the willingness to feel with your partner. To understand their inner world.

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One Daily Habit You Must Give Up To Be Happier


Angel Chernoff

“The trouble is if you don’t spend your life yourself, other people spend it for you.”

Think about that quote for a moment, and ask yourself: What does my happiness feel like?

In several of our recent emails and blog posts, we’ve invited you to join us in examining the relationship between happiness and hardship. Hardship feels easy to define—a season of financial struggle, a time of personal loss, a period of life marked by troubles—as the source of ongoing frustration in our lives. But happiness? What exactly is the emotion we call happiness and why do we crave it so badly?

When trying to define happiness, it’s tempting to adopt the “I’ll know it when I see it” mindset. I have no doubt that you will—but Marc and I challenge you to dig a bit deeper. Take just a moment to write down between two and three specific (and simple) actions you know make you feel happy.

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Do you feel you are in a one-sided relationship? Here’s what a therapist recommends



The good news is, if you’re currently in one, there’s hope.

There’s a specific moment in “500 days of Summer” when you FINALLY realize the thing you’ve tried to deny the entire movie. It’s the moment when Tom goes to Summer’s party with high expectations of restoring their relationship. And then he sees it: her ring. The engagement ring that did not come from him.

That’s when you realize this has been a one-sided relationship all along.

Some of us hate that movie. Maybe it’s because it goes against our idealistic senses of what a chick-flic should be. But it’s also possibly too close to home. Each of us can relate to having a one-sided relationship, whether friend or lover.

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Why can’t you forgive?


I always tell myself that when you live your life without anyone hurting, disappointing, disgracing or offending you, then it means you never did anything worthy.

I want to tell you that there are so many people who are buried daily, and their crime is that someone they offended couldn’t forgive them.

There are innocent orphans and street children out there whose crime is that someone didn’t forgive their parents.

The reality is that even as you read this piece, there may be someone you have blocked on WhatsApp or Facebook, or you have decided not to respond to his/her posts/messages and the person’s crime is that he/she is naughty, broke your heart, disappointed you or said something that really offended you. You haven’t been talking to your roommate, an old friend, a family member, your ex or that special friend, because they offended you and you can’t forgive them.

Yes, I really understand you, they hurt you. He/she is annoying, rude and not worthy to be part of your life. However, my questions are:
Do you expect someone to forgive you if you can’t forgive others?
Do you think you have never offended anyone before?

The beauty of life is that it comes with disappointments and offences from people you least expect.

Unfortunately some of us spend so much time on the disappointments and offences and end up becoming victims of all circumstances.

Remember this one thing always: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, as Richard Innes rightly said.

The fact is that the world is full of annoying, naughty and ungrateful people; you will always come across them during the gentle stroll of your lifespan, but the best thing to do is to deal with them with love and maturity. You can’t get everyone to behave like you. Never!!!

Hatred and intolerance have caused many of the world’s problems and have solved none of them. We must learn to tolerate and forgive one another. We must bury the faults of others and move on with life.

As you read this piece, I beseech you to take the pain and forgive that special person you have grudges against and iron out your grievances. Muster the courage and apologize to that person you have offended. The clock is ticking, man is ageing, the grave is calling and we are not in charge. Life is short, you don’t know how much time you have left.

If I have at anytime hurt, offended, disappointed, disgraced, oppressed or cheated you knowingly or unknowingly, please find a place in your heart to forgive me. And may God Almighty forgive all of us!

Live life to please God.

5 things to know after the wedding


Obalolu Davies

As you change your status from fiancé and fiancée to husband and wife there are so many things to expect as you settle into marriage.

Marriage they say is not a bed of roses as there surely will be ups and downs. For you to take the first step by exchanging vows then you are surely in for the ride. You need to know that every marriage you admire is because the two parties work towards it.

Take note of ‘work’ because it demands continuous effort. Marriage remains a major milestone regardless of how long you have known each other.

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5 Things Most Unhappy People Refuse To Admit


Angel Chernoff

Everyone experiences an unhappy mood on occasion, but there is a big difference between experiencing a temporary bout of unhappiness and living a habitually unhappy life. That’s what chronically unhappy people do. And although many of these people are afraid to admit it, a vast majority of their unhappiness stems from their own beliefs and behaviors.

Over the past decade, Marc and I have helped hundreds of unhappy people rediscover their smiles and, in the process, we’ve learned a lot about the negative beliefs and behaviors that typically hold them back. Even if you are generally a happy person, take a look at the short list below. Many of the unhappy people we’ve worked with via our course and coaching initially refused to admit that they carried these beliefs and behaviors, even when the evidence stacked against them was undeniable. See if any of these points are keeping you from experiencing greater amounts of joy.

1.  They struggle with self-respect. – Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself. Be a friend to yoruself. Trust your inner spirit and follow your instincts. Accept who you are completely, the good and the bad, and make changes in your life as YOU see fit—not because you think anyone else wants you to be different, but because you know it’s the right thing to do, for YOU. Be the person you will be happy to live with for the duration of your life. Don’t rely on your significant other, or anyone else, for your happiness and self-worth. Know that our first and last love is always self-love, and that if you can’t love and respect yourself, no one else will be able to either.  (covered in the “Self-Love” chapter of our NEW book)

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The Greater Gift Came Later

Related image


Donna Miller

My husband was seriously injured at work in August 2002. He was unable to work for about six months. Much of his income is from overtime and his disability pay did not equal even 25 percent of the income we count on. We have five children and this was a massive loss of income for our family. It became necessary for me to work a second full-time job.

Most days I went to my teaching job at 7:00 a.m., went to my second job as a cashier at a local retail store at 4:00 p.m., and dragged myself home around midnight, knowing I had to do the same thing the next day. I still had to do lesson planning and somehow squeeze in family time. I worked seven days a week, and was rarely home. My youngest child, seven years old at the time, missed me so much that he started carrying a picture of me to school in his pocket.

Until then, I’d been very active in my church. But I became too busy for most of my church life and missed many meetings. Word spread about our situation, and I received many calls with words of encouragement and emotional support from fellow church members.

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Win Relationship Conflict By Letting Your Partner Win Too

creating win-win relationships


Kyle Benson

Good relationships are built on the belief of what’s good for you is good for me too. Partners realize that the best bet is to work together, rather than against each other.

Meet Jordan and Taylor, a couple in their mid-forties.

They’ve been having issues with housework. Jordan is exhausted from nagging Taylor about leaving dirty clothes on the floor and not vacuuming the house. Jordan feels Taylor doesn’t listen, and feels that Taylor’s unwillingness demonstrates a lack of caring. Taylor, on the other hand, feels that Jordan is demanding and unloving. If Jordan truly cared, Taylor would get some slack on when the housework gets done.

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5 Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore


Peg Streep

Paying attention is half the battle but you both need to do it.

I knew that my marriage was floundering but I didn’t know how to fix it. Fifteen years in, enough of what we’d once had was so eroded that there wasn’t any real way of retrieving it. I think both of us were just sick and tired of the arguing, the relationship, and each other.

Photograph by Stocksnap. Copyright free. Pixabay.
Some years ago, a wise therapist named Susan whose practice was mainly devoted to couples’ counseling confided a sad truth as we talked about whether joint therapy with my then-husband would work. She shook her head and then continued: “The reality is that it’s relatively rare that the counseling works because people wait too long. Therapy is usually seen as a last-ditch effort to salvage the marriage, and it’s not always agreed to in good faith either. A husband or wife may simply accede because he or she wants to be seen as ‘having tried everything.’ By the time they book an appointment with me, the marriage has been failing for years. And it’s just too late. For those couples, my office is just a stop and a parking lot away from the divorce lawyer’s.”

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5 Easy Ways To Stop Hanger In Its Tracks

prevent overeating


Kristin Limoges

No, none of them are drinking a glass of water.

If ‘hangry’ is a real emotion for you, we feel you. Hanger—that on-edge and easily irritated state you enter when you’re hungry—is real and happens to the best of us, and it’s also when we tend to make hasty food choices we didn’t quite mean to make.

If you’ve ever snacked on a cookie at work and then looked down and realized you accidently snacked on four cookies instead of one while zoning out, this article is for you, too. (Also, read this if sugar cravings are chronic issue for you and you want some healthier alternatives.)

We’ve already chatted about mindful eating with The Food Therapist herself, the lovely Shira Lenchewski, MS, RD, and she’s back for round two. This time we’re tackling how to snack smarter and curb those cravings. Hanger no more, friends.

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