The Death of Love Isn’t Natural: The 7 Steps to Separation

Separation

THE DEATH OF LOVE ISN’T NATURAL: THE 7 STEPS TO SEPARATION

Kyle Benson

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source, it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds, it dies of weariness, of witherings, or tarnishings, but never a natural death.” – Anais Nin


Marriages rarely end overnight. They tend to unravel over time, in ways that are now fairly predictable thanks to research by Dr. John Gottman. In 1986 Dr. Gottman and his colleagues built a Love Lab to learn the secrets of lasting love and understand why love dies.

By studying couples for over 40 years, Dr. Gottman could predict with a 90% accuracy which marriage would fail, and which would succeed. These are the factors he found most often contribute to the dissolution of a marriage:

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7 Daily Rituals Intentional Couples Use to Cultivate Lasting Love

ritual

7 DAILY RITUALS INTENTIONAL COUPLES USE TO CULTIVATE LASTING LOVE

Kyle Benson

Due to the daily pressures, distractions, and dynamics of modern life, a romantic couple doesn’t have to be dysfunctional to grow distant over time. Long working hours and the demands of raising children can push date night, sex, and romantic vacations to last place on the priority list.

Researchers at UCLA observed 30 dual-career couples with young children to understand the daily challenges for finding opportunities to build strong relationships and families. They discovered that these couples: 1

  1. Spend less than 10% of their time at home with each other and without their children around
  2. Are career-focused with long working hours (partner one) and a have a double burden of work and childcare (partner two)
  3. Prioritize children and household needs over the needs of their spouse or self
  4. Become more like roommates, drifting apart emotionally and physically
  5. Miss important opportunities to connect emotionally on a daily basis

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5 Ways to Make Small Gestures Count in Your Marriage

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5 WAYS TO MAKE SMALL GESTURES COUNT IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Terry Gaspard

One of the things that Jake appreciates about Kristin is her way of showing love through her actions. Jake puts it like this: “When I come home after a long day and Kristin is there, she usually gives me a hug and wants to know how my day went.”

According to a new study by researchers at Penn State University, you don’t need grand gestures to show your partner love. In fact, this team found that small gestures, such as hugging, holding hands, and regular acts of kindness all top the list of how most Americans report feeling loved and appreciated.

Kristin explains: “It’s the everyday moments that matter. Jake and I have found that little things make a difference. When I forgot to pay my cell phone bill, Jake noticed it lying on the counter unopened and quickly called in the payment so it wouldn’t be late.”

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‘PANTS’ Rules

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‘PANTS’ RULES

Please every parent and guardian should teach their children and wards, especially toddlers, very early about ‘PANTS’ rules. Times have changed and the world has become a very sick and pathetic place to live. There are many paedophiles and rapists out there. Be careful, and note that everyone is a suspect here.

We must prayerfully protect our children by arming them with the right information:

PANTS

P – Private parts are private. Nobody is permitted to touch them.

A – Always remember that your body is yours and yours only.

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Choose Meaning and Live Better

CHOOSE MEANING AND LIVE BETTER

Mollie Teitelbaum

When should we tune out (and into) our biases?

We have a bad habit of focusing on people’s superficial, negative qualities. Happiness and fulfillment can be gained by giving weight to what should ultimately guide our behavior: people’s profound, positive qualities. Appreciating these aspects of individuals fosters meaningful and mutually beneficial experiences.

Understanding and Combating Biases

Bias has been getting a lot of attention lately due to a growing understanding of the influences it has on our actions and attitudes outside of our awareness (Banaji & Greenwald, 2013). A phenomenon called negativity bias makes us far more sensitive to negative things than to positive ones. If two disparate events are of equivalent strength, the event that is negative will elicit much greater psychological activity and will impact behavior more (Baumeister, et al., 2001). Evolutionarily, this makes sense as it protects us from harm, but if our default is to dwell on the negative and to ignore the positive, then how can we hope to be happy, optimistic people?

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Vacations Make Your Kids Happy Long After They’re Over

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VACATIONS MAKE YOUR KIDS HAPPY LONG AFTER THEY’RE OVER

Heather Marcoux

Whether you’re booking flights and hotels for a family getaway, or just punching in your credit card number to reserve a spot in a campground a couple of states over, the cost of vacation plans can make a mom wince. And while price is definitely something to consider when planning a family vacation, science suggests we should consider these trips—and their benefits—priceless.

Research indicates that family vacations are essential. They make our kids (and us) happier and build bonds and memories.

The gift of an experience, like a family vacation, is proven to be a more prosocial, connecting present than any material possession, according to a study out of the University of Toronto.

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The Love Tank Theory: How to Make Love Actually Last

love tank

THE LOVE TANK THEORY: HOW TO MAKE LOVE ACTUALLY LAST

Kyle Benson

  • “Our relationship is emotionally dead.”
  • “We never talk anymore.”
  • “My partner is distant, and we never have any fun.”

My inbox is full of emails like this.

These couples often ask, “How did we get here?”

Have you ever had that thought about your relationship?

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A Happy Relationship is IMPOSSIBLE without Trust and Commitment

commitment

A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP IS IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT TRUST AND COMMITMENT

Kyle Benson

Love is like Legos. In each passing moment, we are either building a wall between ourselves and our lover or a bridge into each other’s heart.

Each Lego is an interaction between romantic partners. The deciding factor of whether we open or protect our hearts is the quality of trust.

“Without trust, there can be no meaningful connection.” – Brene Brown

Often trust is seen as a big word. A massive Lego that connects two people, allowing them to connect easily. But this is false.

Trust is built brick by brick, an accumulation of small choices made every day.

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The Price of Peace

THE PRICE OF PEACE

Many years ago I listened to a preacher share about how his wife would leave the television on at night and sleep off and they lived in a country where you pay based on how long you keep the TV on. Leaving the TV on therefore increases the television bill.

That attitude of his wife would annoy him and he was always angry at his wife for doing that yet it continued. It was obvious it was going to become a strain in the marriage.

Then one day the Holy Spirit asked him, “Is your marriage not worth fifty dollars extra at the end of the month? If this attitude of your wife will mean an extra bill of fifty dollars is it too much to pay for peace to be in your marriage?”

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Two ways to get your detached spouse more emotionally involved

TWO WAYS TO GET YOUR DETACHED SPOUSE MORE EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED

Darren Wilk

Many of the calls we receive in our office for relationship help come from people who are tired of doing all the work in their marriage, and a decade ago we would have been able to generalize that the person making that call was usually the female in the relationship.  But regardless of which gender makes the call, they have asked their partners over and over again to get into gear and take more responsibility for the relationship. The response some of them get is “Why? There is really not much wrong here, and anyways, we can fix it on our own without help”.  By the way, many people who come into counseling after their partner has left them say “I don’t know what happened. I thought everything was okay”.  Does this sound familiar?

So what do we do with the gender differences today?  Some still apply.  Many men typically don’t seek outside help for their relationships for the same reason that many men won’t ask for directions. We hate not being able to figure something out on our own. Men, by nature, are trained and socialized to be independent and self-sufficient. We would rather learn from doing than from discussing. This does not make it right, and the new millennial’s are certainly changing this trend as the social culture evolves.

Many studies on gender segregation in children have discovered significant differences in how girls and boys play.   Think about this the next time you’re watching children at a playground. The boys are rarely sitting around talking. They’re doing something active.

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