REPAIRS DURING CONFLICT ARE A SUPERPOWER OF EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED COUPLE
When you think about it, every couple in every relationship is set up for failure. It is impossible to be emotionally available to your partner 100 percent of the time. In fact, you will miss most of your partner’s bids for emotional connection out of mindlessness.
But failure is not the problem. Even a mother who failed to be responsive and available 50 percent of the time can raise a child to be a healthy adult who has healthy relationships. According to psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, the difference between “good mothers and bad mothers is not the omission of errors but what they do with them.” How a child copes with everyday failures and fluctuations is directly related to the degree in which their parent creates an environment for a secure attachment bond and how that parent repairs their errors.
This is no different in our romantic relationships. The difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t make mistakes. We all do. How couples handle conflict resolution is what separates the relationship Masters from the Disasters.
SAVING A MARRIAGE AFTER AN AFFAIR: A WIFE’S STORY (PART 2)
I didn’t set out to forgive him.
Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have ever been able to. Maybe having that goal—forgiving my husband for betraying me, for forsaking our vows, for wounding me more deeply than I have ever been wounded before or since—right from the outset would’ve prevented me from taking care of myself, really taking care of myself to the point where I only thought about what was best for me and for the kids and didn’t think of him at all.
Only after I gave myself the space for that kind of sustained self-care was I able to think about whether or not there was a “we” worth fighting for, or whether Tim had shattered it when he made the decision to start an affair, and then the series of ongoing decisions to keep the affair going.
THE 9 MOST OVERLOOKED THREATS TO A MARRIAGE
Dr. Kelly Flanagan
I feel bad for marital communication, because it gets blamed for everything. For generations, in survey after survey, couples have rated marital communication as the number one problem in marriage. It’s not…
Marital communication is getting a bad rap. It’s like the kid who fights back on the playground. The playground supervisors hear a commotion and turn their heads just in time to see his retaliation. He didn’t create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he’s the one who gets caught, so he’s sent off to the principal’s office.
Or, in the case of marital communication, the therapist’s office.
“According to your faith will it be done to you.”
(Matthew 9:29, NIV)
In response to the Daily Encounter titled, “Cheaters Never Win,” one man whom I will call Fred wrote saying. “My wife left and divorced me. Now she is remarried. She has moved on. I’m in dreadful pain and can’t seem to move on. She cheated. I didn’t. She broke the rules. I didn’t. She’s happy. I’m not. She seems to have won. I lost.”
It appears to Fred that his former wife won. However, Fred’s issue isn’t about her—whether she is a winner or not—as Fred can’t change her. For Fred the issue is about him and whether he chooses to stay a loser-victim rather than becoming a winning-loser.
THE JOURNEY IS SO SHORT!
A young lady sat in public transport. An elderly grumpy lady came and sat by her as she bumped into her with her numerous bags. The other neighbor got upset, asking the young lady why she did not protest and insist on her rights. She responded with a smile: “It is not necessary to be rude or argue over something so insignificant! I’ll alight at the next stop; our journey together is so short,” replied the young lady.
Here’s a response which deserves to be written in GOLDEN letters in our daily behaviours and everywhere:
“It is not necessary to argue over something so insignificant. Our journey together is so short!”
FREE AT LAST: I FORGIVE YOU
Forgiveness can be difficult, but is necessary for the health and personal growth of the offended and the continuation of relationships within families and among friends.
Forgiveness is letting go of the feelings associated with an offense or wrongdoing against us. This doesn’t absolve fault, but does free the forgiver from the chains of anger, hatred and vengeance. We all offend and are offended, so why is it sometimes difficult to forgive?
BROKEN AFTER SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE OTHER WOMAN, SHE THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT REVENGE
She asked, “Should I sleep with the man who decided to marry another after we had three children?”
We called her Nani. She was a beautiful Khasi woman. I met her in Shillong, Meghalaya, while working there in a high school. It was my first opportunity to see a matrilineal society. I was observing the relationship of couples from a different angle. Being a woman from a patriarchal society, it was not easy for me to understand their thoughts, emotions and behaviour. But I was trying.
I met Nani regularly in a local market, where she sold dry fish and vegetables. Her bright smile and hard working nature made me her admirer. We started talking and soon became friends.In spite of coming from different backgrounds, sharing our personal thoughts, plans,and sorrows was no more an odd thing between us. She was totally independent. Many times I experienced her kindness – when a poor boy needed his school fees or an unmarried mother needed a shelter with her baby. I was deeply touched and inspired by her. And one day,suddenly, she opened the painful pages of her life tome.