Our sex life is amazing but our marriage sucks

OUR SEX LIFE IS AMAZING BUT OUR MARRIAGE SUCKS

He woke up horny. He started touching his wife on her breasts.

He flipped her over. Got on top of her. He started kissing her, but she seemed not interested. He turned his game up, kissed her on her neck as he spread her legs. She looked away.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Us,” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

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The Great Pretender

Mom Newborn Baby Hospital

THE GREAT PRETENDER

Famifi

Fake it ‘til you make it takes on new meaning when you become a parent.

I first felt it on the day I headed down the hospital’s maternity corridor toward the newborns room: saturation-level imposter syndrome. In the two days prior, someone had always ceremoniously handed me my newborn while I lay below florescent lights on my sanitized throne of paper bed sheets surrounded by family. Members of this extended village were the ones supporting me, helping me feel like this new normal—this new role—was, in fact, real.

But at last I felt up to getting around the hallways on foot, now able to make my way toward this curious creature and claim him myself. So, I wielded a plastic wristband with my name on it, a flimsy passport that somehow convinced the baby warden to hand over this squirrely little person.

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R is for Repair

R IS FOR REPAIR

Zach Brittle

Repair is easily my favorite concept in the entire Gottman encyclopedia. Typically, we think of repair in terms of what we have to do to a car or a washing machine or a botched haircut. As in, it’s broken, it needs repair. But in relational terms, repair is less about fixing what is broken and more about getting back on track.

What is a repair attempt?

Masters of relationships repair early and often. And they have lots of strategies for how to repair. Gottman describes a repair attempt as “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” The reason I love the concept so much is because of that word “any.” It leaves a ton of room for creativity. And because every relationship is different, finding the repair strategies that work for you can actually be a unique game that belongs to just the two of you.

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P is for Problems

Image result for picture of parking sign

P IS FOR PROBLEMS

Zach Brittle

John Gottman’s research revealed that about ⅔ of relationship problems are unsolvable. One of my favorite questions for couples is whether that statistic is discouraging or encouraging. Think about that for a second. Does the idea that 69% of your issues are not going away bum you out? Or does it give you hope?

Most couples I know are frustrated by the fact that most of their problems are unsolvable. It’s hard to have the same battles over and over again. My personal bias, however, is that I’m glad to know that we’re normal. My wife and I spent way too much time arguing over the fact that we were having the same fight that we ultimately forgot what we were fighting about in the first place.

Dr. Gottman has said that the number one thing that couples fight about is nothing. I can vouch for this. This past weekend, my wife and I got into an argument over fruit flies. It was really stupid. Later, when our older daughter (age 11) was explaining the argument to her sister (age 7), she said, “It’s never about the fruit flies.” Indeed. What’s it about then?

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Being Brave Together

Fear

BEING BRAVE TOGETHER

Famifi

We all want fearless kids, right? Little people who can jump off high dives, check under their own beds for monsters, and brave their way through Halloween night. So how do we help them build up the resilience they’re going to need to do just that?

Developing our kids’ internal compass

Kara Fic leans on lessons learned from her own childhood as she now raises two daughters, one of whom was recently heading out the door on her first solo commute to a school across town. Kara says she slipped her camping compass into the 11-year-old’s hand as she ventured out: “She’s ready for this new challenge,” says Kara, “but it’s still a big city. The compass is really just there as a backup in case she gets disoriented—and as a reminder that she’s navigated denser forests than this.”

Kara refers to the many campouts her family has taken together over the years when her daughters were first earning their stripes as Girl Scouts—and teaching the boys a thing or two about bravery in the process. Bears, bees, rain and rations toughened up the girls, Kara explains, as they did during her own Girl Scout days. She’s happy about how her daughters’ wilderness training now spills over into their city life—and into their fear management in general.

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Proven Strategies To Help Your Kids Manage Fear

Parent and Child Swimming

PROVEN STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR KIDS MANAGE FEAR

Famifi

Helping our children manage their fears can be a complex task. And with every kid being different, no one strategy fits all.

We put together this list of 10 strategies and 6 books to get your kids facing and conquering their fears:

Strategies

• Find examples of kids being brave in books or films and talk about how those stories relate to the fear he or she is currently experiencing.

• Help them make fear manageable: Feel it, label it, share it, watch it go. Then make a plan for the next time fear shows up.

• Find ways to be brave together: take family adventures – camping, hiking, standing up for convictions, trying things outside your comfort zone.

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Conversations: What Keeps You Up at Night as a Parent?

People Talking

CONVERSATIONS: WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT AS A PARENT?

Famifi

Parents gather in all kinds of communities to talk about things that matter most to them. Here we asked two moms and a dad what keeps them up at night as they think about their families.

Jane:

My kids, so far, are pretty confident and self-possessed, so my biggest fear isn’t that they’re heading toward some cataclysmic meltdown, or whatever else typically ranks high on the lists of parent fears. My anxiety is much more mundane and basic. It’s really just about money. Not crazy amounts, mind you. My concern is about having enough to cover just really basic things. That’s a concern that has yet to go away. And to see the rich parents around me every day, (none of you lovely people, of course…) but to see them in their expensive highlights and handbags…from the signals they’re putting out, I’m not sure it ever does go away—for any of us. I’m talking about moms with crazy resources at their disposal but from the look of their clenched jaws and nervous eyes, it doesn’t look to me like they have any more peace of mind than I do. I would guess that behind many of those manicured, boxwood hedges there is plenty of stress too. Not from personal experience mind you…but I think money creates about as many problems as it solves. So give me my middle class family and middle class problems any day, because I know how to handle them. …But I do still worry.

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How to deal with arguments in your relationship

how to deal with arguments

HOW TO DEAL WITH ARGUMENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

Team LovePanky

Conflicts in relationships can arise for the smallest of reasons, but there’s a simple way to avoid hurting a partner emotionally. Find out how to deal with arguments in a relationship, by looking within.

Do you end up arguing with your lover for the smallest of reasons?

It may be no one’s fault or both your faults.

But you really need to understand that arguments in a relationship don’t make one of you win, but actually make both of you lose in love.

If you really want to know how to deal with arguments in a relationship, you need to look right into the problem.

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The Power of Words Can Make or Break Your Relationship

power of words

THE POWER OF WORDS CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Natalia Avdeeva

Relationships, as firm as they may seem, are fragile. Learn how the power of words you use can change the direction of your relationship in no time.

A relationship has many needs to be successful.

But almost all these needs are subconscious.

In fact, you won’t even realize you’re catering to these needs of your own perfect relationship unless you’re starting to fall out of love and need to make an effort just to be nice to your lover.

Romantic gestures and memories, and communication and pillow talk may be key requirements of a great relationship but there’s another subtle detail almost none of us bother about.

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15 Subtle Things that Change When You Get Married

things change after marriage

15 SUBTLE THINGS THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED

Danielle Anne

A lot of things change after people get married, but some things change more subtly than others. Here’s a list of the changes you might not notice.

Once you get married, you automatically assume that the things you’re used to will change in a significant way–that’s why you prepare and get all your ducks in a row. Whether it’s a spur-of-the-moment Vegas wedding or a year-long, prepped gala, the marriage part always seems to throw everyone for a loop.

The obvious changes include addressing each other as husband and wife, assigning responsibilities in the household, realizing that you can’t break up without a lawyer present, and having to actually share your money without a legitimate reason to resent the idea.

Why do things change after marriage?

Some people think that things don’t change at all when they get married. Surely it only happens when they decide to have kids, right? Not exactly. In fact, some think that everything changes after the vows have been said, and nothing’s the same ever again.

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