The Death of Love Isn’t Natural: The 7 Steps to Separation

Separation

THE DEATH OF LOVE ISN’T NATURAL: THE 7 STEPS TO SEPARATION

Kyle Benson

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source, it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds, it dies of weariness, of witherings, or tarnishings, but never a natural death.” – Anais Nin


Marriages rarely end overnight. They tend to unravel over time, in ways that are now fairly predictable thanks to research by Dr. John Gottman. In 1986 Dr. Gottman and his colleagues built a Love Lab to learn the secrets of lasting love and understand why love dies.

By studying couples for over 40 years, Dr. Gottman could predict with a 90% accuracy which marriage would fail, and which would succeed. These are the factors he found most often contribute to the dissolution of a marriage:

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The Love Tank Theory: How to Make Love Actually Last

love tank

THE LOVE TANK THEORY: HOW TO MAKE LOVE ACTUALLY LAST

Kyle Benson

  • “Our relationship is emotionally dead.”
  • “We never talk anymore.”
  • “My partner is distant, and we never have any fun.”

My inbox is full of emails like this.

These couples often ask, “How did we get here?”

Have you ever had that thought about your relationship?

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Two ways to get your detached spouse more emotionally involved

TWO WAYS TO GET YOUR DETACHED SPOUSE MORE EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED

Darren Wilk

Many of the calls we receive in our office for relationship help come from people who are tired of doing all the work in their marriage, and a decade ago we would have been able to generalize that the person making that call was usually the female in the relationship.  But regardless of which gender makes the call, they have asked their partners over and over again to get into gear and take more responsibility for the relationship. The response some of them get is “Why? There is really not much wrong here, and anyways, we can fix it on our own without help”.  By the way, many people who come into counseling after their partner has left them say “I don’t know what happened. I thought everything was okay”.  Does this sound familiar?

So what do we do with the gender differences today?  Some still apply.  Many men typically don’t seek outside help for their relationships for the same reason that many men won’t ask for directions. We hate not being able to figure something out on our own. Men, by nature, are trained and socialized to be independent and self-sufficient. We would rather learn from doing than from discussing. This does not make it right, and the new millennial’s are certainly changing this trend as the social culture evolves.

Many studies on gender segregation in children have discovered significant differences in how girls and boys play.   Think about this the next time you’re watching children at a playground. The boys are rarely sitting around talking. They’re doing something active.

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Mini habits to soothe your child’s anxiety

MINI HABITS TO SOOTHE YOUR CHILD’S ANXIETY

Amberlee L. Peterson

Every child experiences it, but most don’t know how to handle it.

He was 5 years old, and he still couldn’t use the toilet. This was a daily struggle for my cousin and her little boy as they tried everything they could think of to get him potty trained. It was months and months of searching for solutions. And although there ended up being multiple factors in why this was such a challenge for him, along the way my cousin discovered a surprising factor they hadn’t expected: her little boy had anxiety.

Every child will experience anxiety to some extent, and the effects of it can pop up in surprising ways. Watching a scary movie and going to school for the first time are enough to give everyone a dose of it. But about one in eight children experience anxiety disorders. If you suspect your child has an anxiety disorder, you’ll want to seek professional help. But for smaller times when you sense your child’s anxiety building, specialists recommend these mini habits to help you all calm down together.

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Be still and know that I am God: 10 ways to recognize God’s power in times of trouble

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD: 10 WAYS TO RECOGNIZE GOD’S POWER IN TIMES OF TROUBLE

The Bible verse Psalms 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” When we face difficulties in our life that would make it seem as if we are on a ship being tossed upon a stormy sea, how exactly can we be still while a storm rages around us?

Every time a trial comes to me or my family, I think of the words from the Bible in Psalms 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God,” and I am often comforted. Sometimes, though, I wonder just what it means to be still and what exactly I need to do to make that happen.

When we face difficulties in our life that would make it seem as if we are on a ship being tossed upon a stormy sea, how exactly can we be still and a strength to our family while a storm rages around us? As I looked up the definition of still in the online Merriam Webster Dictionary, not only was I enlightened when I learned the definition for still, but learned very valuable lessons from its synonyms as well.

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7 Lessons from 10 Years of Coaching People Through Depression and Heartbreak

7 Lessons from 10 Years of Coaching People Through Depression and Heartbreak

7 LESSONS FROM 10 YEARS OF COACHING PEOPLE THROUGH DEPRESSION AND HEARTBREAK

Marc Chernoff

There are wounds that never show on our bodies that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.  Depression and heartbreak are two such wounds.  I know, from experience.

About a decade ago, in quick succession, Angel and I dealt with several significant, back-to-back losses and life changes, including: losing Angel’s brother, Todd, to suicide, losing our mutual best friend, Josh, to cardiac arrest, and losing our home in the downturn of the economy.  The pain inflicted by each of these experiences was absolutely brutal, and enduring them one after another broke our hearts and knocked us both into a moderate state of depression.  There was a long stretch of time when we shut out the world, shut out each other, and avoided our loved ones who were grieving alongside us.

Luckily, with the right support, and the gradual restoration of our inner resolve, we pushed forward, stronger and with a greater respect for life.  And while there were many intricate steps to our recovery process that I’m leaving out here, the outcome of our journey ultimately led us to the work we do today, over a decade later.  Through our course and coaching we have spent the better part of the past ten years leveraging our lessons learned to guide amazing human beings through the process of coping with significant bouts of depression and heartbreak (and other forms of adversity).  The work has been anything but easy, but it’s also been incredibly rewarding and life-changing—it has undoubtedly been the most significant silver lining of the painful losses and life changes we were forced to endure.

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2 Important Things to Remember When Everything Goes Wrong

2 IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN EVERYTHING GOES WRONG

Angel Chernoff

“Today, I’m sitting in my hospital bed waiting to have both my breasts removed. But in a strange way I feel like the lucky one. Up until now I have had no health problems. I’m a 69-year-old woman in the last room at the end of the hall before the pediatric division of the hospital begins. Over the past few hours I have watched dozens of cancer patients being wheeled by in wheelchairs and rolling beds. None of these patients could be a day older than 17.”

That’s an entry from my grandmother, Zelda’s, journal, dated 9/16/1977. I photocopied it and pinned it to my bulletin board about a decade ago. It’s still there today, and it continues to remind me that there is always, always, always something to be thankful for. And that no matter how good or bad I have it, I must wake up each day thankful for my life, because someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.

Truth be told, happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles. Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost. It’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.

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For My Sake: Standing in the Gap for Your Partner

FOR MY SAKE: STANDING IN THE GAP FOR YOUR PARTNER

It was my wedding night. I was so tired, and I needed a bath and rest. We had danced so much that my back was aching.

Husband was beginning to have funny ideas. He was beaming like a new born baby. In any case, I won’t blame him; any man in his position would not joke with this night because I was a warrior during our courtship. “No… No hugging. No pecking. No holding‍♀‍♀‍♀.” Top on my priority list was sexual purity till marriage.

The knock came. I was thinking, “Half past 11:00pm? Could that be Room Service?” Then with eyes popping, I heard my mother-in-law’s iron-like voice, “Tise, Michael, open up!”

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7 Subtle Signs of Depression You Should Not Ignore

7 SUBTLE SIGNS OF DEPRESSION YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE

Amy Morin

Exhaustion and recklessness could each be a sign of a deeper problem.

Photographee.eu/Shutterstock
About one in 10 Americans experience depression at any given time, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention(link is external). Many people with depression don’t even know they have it. Depressive symptoms may range from mild to severe and they can vary greatly; symptoms are often attributed to fatigue, stress, or the aging process. But here are 7 subtle signs you shouldn’t ignore, in yourself or someone close to you:

1. Irritability

Most people think depression leads to overwhelming sadness. Sometimes, people with depression experience anger and irritability rather than hopelessness and misery.

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