Most parents with an adult child have faced the temptation to
become critical of their child’s decisions. The transition from age 15 to 20
can be hard on both of you. You’re learning to give him or her space and
they’re trying to make adult decisions on their own.
You’ve given them direction and instruction for so long, it’s
difficult to make the switch to a supportive role, offering advice when they
ask you for it instead of when you think they need it. Honestly, you should not
tell a 23-year-old how you think they should live.
As a parent of an adult child, you have to move away from, “What
I want for you,” and “What I expect from you.” Most adult children refuse this
approach and interpret it as critical or unsupportive of their life goals and
dreams. Instead, say to your son or daughter, “I am observing something. Would
you give me permission to share what I’ve observed?” It’s really hard, but if
they say no, then bite your tongue and back off.
Now there are a lot of young adults still living at home. You
have every right to set very clear expectations and boundaries with a
23-year-old still living in your home. Be careful not to position your
conversation in a way that says, “This is what I want for you,” but instead set
boundaries within the home with words like “Your mom and I are willing to do
this…, and we’d like for you to do that while you are living with us.” Discuss
money. Maybe you want to help with your child’s tuition, car payments, gas.
Will they pay rent, help with groceries? Discuss relationships. Are their
friends welcome to come over? How late are friends of the opposite sex allowed
to stay? Do you expect your adult child to let you know when they’re going to
be late getting home or not coming home at all?
Your child has to make his or her own decisions. But it’s
important to define the things up front that you will and will not tolerate in
your home. Treat him or her like an adult and expect the same in return.
Remember, it’s your home—you set the boundaries.
Parenting continues, but looks very different as your child
enters into adulthood. Your job description changes as you release them into
God’s hands to accomplish what He intends for them. This is an important phase
for you to handle prayerfully and intentionally.
Intentional ONE THING Challenge
If you could do ONE THING and know that it would make a
significant, lasting, possibly life-changing difference in your life, would you
do it? Dr. Carlson shares the power of ONE THING and why you should get started doing your ONE THING
How have you successfully transitioned from parenting a child to
parenting an adult? We’d love to hear your stories. Post your comments.
‘ARROGANT.’ ‘RUTHLESS.’ AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY THEMSELVES
“I feel this team is in the midst of changing the world around us as we live.”— Megan Rapinoe, the United States’ star attacker and the World Cup’s top scorer
When the athletes of the United States women’s
soccer team celebrated their 13 unanswered goals against Thailand in the first
round, they were called “arrogant.”
When they tore past France in the
quarterfinals, they were called “ruthless.”
And when President Trump, responding to a months-old clip of
Megan Rapinoe using an expletive to say she wouldn’t visit the White House if
the team won the World Cup, told her to win
“before she talks,” she and her teammates continued talking.
As the historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
famously said, “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” On Sunday, the
American women’s team did just that — securing a record fourth World Cup
championship to maintain its reputation as the world’s greatest women’s soccer
team (and one of the world’s greatest sports teams, period).
In the process, the Americans did more than
shine as symbols of athleticism and teamwork; they affirmed themselves as
fighters for equality on multiple fronts.
Here are three ways the team has elevated issues of fairness.
The fight for pay equity
After the American women sealed their victory
in Lyon, France, chants of “Equal pay! Equal pay!” began to grow inside the
The American team will be awarded $4 million for
its win, while the winners of the men’s World Cup last year received $38 million.
Gianni Infantino, president of FIFA, soccer’s governing body, said the
organization would double the total women’s prize for the 2023 tournament — but
it’s also expected to raise the men’s award in 2022.
In 2015, the
United States Soccer Federation awarded the women’s team $2 million for winning
the World Cup. In 2014, the men’s team earned $9 million even though it did not
advance past the first rounds.
Not surprisingly, the women’s national team is
not taking that disparity lying down.
In March, all the players filed a gender discrimination lawsuit against
U.S. Soccer, accusing it of years of “institutionalized gender discrimination.”
They also noted that the argument that the men’s team generates more money simply
According to the suit, the federation had
expected a combined net loss for the national teams of $429,929 from the 2016
fiscal year, but largely because of the successes of the women’s team’s, it revised its projections to
a $17.7 million profit.
Defying the sportsmanship
As the United States team rampaged against
Thailand in its first World Cup match last month, the players
leapt and celebrated nearly every goal. Clare Rustad, a former player for the
Canadian national team, called the celebrations “disgraceful.”
Last week, striker Alex Morgan pretended to
sip from a teacup after scoring against England in the semifinal. Lianne
Sanderson, her former National Women’s Soccer League teammate, said the
celebration was “distasteful.”
“I feel that there is some sort of double
standard for females in sports,” Morgan said. “We have to be humble in our
successes and have to celebrate, but not too much or in a limited fashion.”
“You see men celebrating all over the world in
big tournaments,” grabbing their crotches and that sort of thing, she said.
And Rapinoe, when asked about the team’s
celebrations said: “What do you want us to do? We work hard. We like to play
BOTH PARTNERS ARE NEVER EQUALLY SATISFIED IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
Without extensive research, one might assume that both partners in a romantic relationship would have similar opinions and levels of satisfaction.
This is a myth.
Over 5 million individuals in a committed relationship have confirmed that each romantic partner has their own unique view of the marriage or relationship. Research by Prepare-Enrich has revealed that a romantic partner only has a 25% chance of predicting their partner’s level of satisfaction and opinion of the quality of the relationship.1
The reason this happens is that each partner has their own metrics by which to assess their level of satisfaction in a relationship.
Here’s a potentially fun activity.
Write down what you think gives your partner the greatest satisfaction in the relationship. Do not share this with your partner (yet).
Ask your partner, “What is one thing we do that gives you the most satisfaction in our relationship?”
Compare their answer to the guess you wrote down.
If you find that you are spot on, bravo.
If you find that you are off, congrats! You learned something new about your partner and can do more things that support your partner’s satisfaction in their relationship with you.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I had no idea that was important to you.” Even from couples who had been married for decades.
Romantic partners are often unaware of how important a given issue is for their lover, because from their perspective it’s not a big issue, even if their lover has complained about it over and over again.
From Tom’s perspective, his relationship is great. He feels connected and close to Jake. Throughout their four years of marriage, Jake has complained about the lack of time spent together. Tom thought the time spent together was perfect.
Growing up Tom spent a lot of time playing by himself and had the freedom to do things he wanted when he wanted. Furthermore, his mother never complained to his father about how much time his dad spent working in the shop or out golfing. In Tom’s family culture, there was a lot more me-time than we-time.
So when Jake brought this issue up, Tom didn’t think it was a big deal. After all, it had never been a problem in past relationships.
But for Jake, time together signified love and importance. So, when that time together continued to be limited, Jake felt neglected and like he didn’t matter to Tom.
When Jake was able to reveal these hidden emotions and Tom was able to actually listen, Tom was shocked. He had no idea how important this was to Jake.
Putting Your Partner’s Satisfaction On Par With Yours
One of the key differences between happy and unhappy couples is the attitude of a two-person system as defined by Stan Tatkin, PsyD.
“A couple’s ability to operate as a coregulatory team determines the success or failure of that relationship and is fundamental to relationship safety, security, and longevity.” – Stan Tatkin, We Do
This means that if your partner is hurting, the relationship is hurting and as a result so are you.
This means recognizing that your partner has a different perspective and experience of the relationship and you have to check in with them and make corrections so the relationship will work for them and you.
Just as we might see in a three-legged race, you can’t win at the expense of your partner.
This is part of being a member of a two-person team.
You must remember that what satisfies you may not be what satisfies your partner. But if you collaboratively work together you can satisfy the team.
In Tom and Jake’s experience, they learned to honor their unique preferences for me-time and we-time by intentionally dialoguing about how they would spend their time together and how they could make that time more meaningful
During their weekly State of the Union meeting, Tom checks in with Jake about the quality of their time together by asking what Jake liked about the past week, and then asks how this week might look. During this conversation, Jake asks Tom about his alone time and ways they can, as a team, make adjustments to meet both partners’ needs.
Ironically, just having this topic brought up by Tom on a weekly basis has significantly made Jake feel loved and important, even on the weeks when there is the same amount of time together as there was before Tom caught on.
Because Tom makes a conscientious effort to show that Jake’s satisfaction is just as important as his. This is demonstrated by bringing up the question each week.
When you take the time to communicate, truly listen to each other, and team up to make changes in your relationship, you can get closer to having a similar level of satisfaction in the relationship—one that is happy, connected, and meaningful.
This research is cited in The Couple Checkup by David Olson, Amy Olson-Sigg, and Peter Larson (p. 8). Furthermore, research indicates that a couple spending more time together does not make their assessment of each other’s relationship satisfaction more accurate. Rather, it gives them the illusion that they are more accurate. Source: Swann, W. B. J., Gill, M. J. (1997). Confidence and accuracy in person perception: Do we know what we think we know about our relationship partners? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73, 747–757. ↩
This is a paraphrased quote from The Couple Checkup (p. 8) ↩
I am a
lawyer, a law professor and a writer. I am also a divorced mother of two young
children. I’m often asked some version of: “How do you excel at work and be the
best mother you can be?”
working mother gets this question, which presupposes that a “work-life balance”
is achievable. It’s not. The term traps women in an endless cycle of shame and
many women, I often prioritize my job. I do this because, as the head of a
single-parent household, I’m the sole breadwinner. My ex-husband, who has joint
custody, is an amazing father and my life would be impossible without him.
Neither of us pays the other support.
My choice is more than a
financial imperative. I prioritize my work because I’m ambitious and because I
believe it’s important. If I didn’t write and teach and litigate, a part of me
would feel empty.
2013, I was the trial lawyer on a case to free an innocent black man improbably
named Kash Register. As a teenager in 1979, because of police and prosecutorial
misconduct and witnesses who lied, he was condemned to serve life in prison for
a murder he did not commit.
years later, he was still behind bars. Even though we had presented the
district attorney’s office with what we believed was overwhelming evidence
of my client’s innocence, it insisted on what was essentially a retrial in
front of a judge.
time, my son was 4 and my daughter was 2. One month before the retrial started,
I moved from San Francisco to a tiny apartment close to the courthouse in Los
Angeles. I went long stretches without seeing my children. They were
lovingly cared for by their father, their grandmother, my son’s preschool
teacher and my daughter’s babysitter. When I would fly home, I was often not
fully present. My client needed me more than my children did. So he got more of
me. A lot more.
these months, my son had a lot of questions. “Why are you gone so much?” “Why
are you always on the phone talking about that guy with the funny name?” I
explained what was at stake. The good guys are fighting the bad guys. If we
lose, it means racism won and a man’s life was destroyed.
you going to win?” he wanted to know.
my job,” I said.
I have missed meetings to
take my kids to the park or a museum, and picked them up early to go to karate
class. Recently, I turned down an offer to teach an extra class for a
significant amount of money because I didn’t want to lose that time with them.
there is always another client to defend, story to write or struggling student
who just can’t wait. Here are things I have missed: my daughter’s seventh
birthday, my son’s 10th birthday party, two family vacations, three Halloweens,
every school camping trip. I have never chaperoned, coached or organized a
my choices make me sad. My daughter’s seventh birthday was the worst. She
cried, and I did everything I could not to. I felt sick to my stomach. But I
had a trial starting the next day, six hours away.
picked the date, not the judge, because I knew that the other side wasn’t
ready. Delaying even a few days would have meant losing a crucial advantage. I
wasn’t going to risk it knowing what was on the line for my client.
I sometimes feel doubt, shame and fear. I know I’m not a “normal” mom, because
my kids tell me so. I remind myself that this does not make me a “bad mom.” I
also remind myself that if I were a dad, I would be getting accolades for all
the times I scheduled a doctor’s appointment or arranged a play date.
proud of what I have accomplished. I am prouder that I can support myself and
my children. But sometimes I wonder if my choices will damage them.
2017, my son’s third-grade class had a midday Thanksgiving potluck. Driving
back from court, I dashed into the Whole Foods, bought the first thing I saw —
a loaf of lemon poppy seed poundcake — and rushed over to school. The room was
full of mothers with a smattering of dads. I was the only person in a suit. I
put the lemon poppy seed loaf on a table, next to another mother’s homemade
stew. My son looked over at me and winced.
After the meal, it was
time for presentations. Each child had been given a piece of orange paper
shaped like a leaf with prompts to answer: “I appreciate my parents because”
and “this helps me to.”
one, the children stood up and read what they had written. Many of them talked
about how much they loved their moms, because they made them delicious food or
gave them a safe place to live.
uncomfortable as I listened, my smile frozen on my face. What on earth was my
son going to say when it was his turn? That he lived in two different houses
and routinely ate boiled hot dogs and chicken fingers while his mother told
true crime stories? That he had once told me, politely, as we sat down to
dinner, “Mom, I think you forgot the vegetable”?
was one of the last children to speak. He stood up and, in a clear voice, said:
“I appreciate my parents for being lawyers because they get people
out of jail. This really helps me reflect, do the right thing and have positive
looked over at me, the barest hint of a smile on his face. I wanted to leap out
of my pint-size chair, raise my fists in the air and yell, “That’s my boy.” I
have his orange leaf on the wall in my office. Sometimes I look over at it when
I’m working late at night.
my kids get it. I think they do. I love them beyond all reason, and their
existence gives my life profound meaning. And I have the same feelings about my
“The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15).
When John Benson decided to make some financial investments in a new business venture, he was very excited about the possibilities for a handsome financial return. His business and financial background had served him well. John felt strongly that his wife Jenny would not understand the complexity of his investment, so he casually mentioned it to her. When she asked a few simple questions, John became defensive and justified his plans for investing in the venture.
A year later, after investing a large sum of money, John received a phone call from the investment company. All the investors who had put money in the company were going to lose their investment with no ability to recoup it.
This story could be retold repeatedly across the world. God’s principles for making decisions require input from both spouses, regardless of their level of expertise. If you are not married, make sure you seek wisdom from a few close associates you know and trust.
God has called married couples to be one. If we seek to make decisions independently, then we benefit from only 50% of the intended resource God has placed within our grasp. In marriage this stewardship of decisions requires two people. God blesses this union by honoring the decisions made with the motive of glorifying God and relying on His Spirit to lead in our decision-making process.
Before you make a major decision, get confirmation for your decision from your spouse.
25 LESSONS YOU WILL APPRECIATE WHEN YOU’RE READY FOR A SIMPLER LIFE
When things aren’t adding up in your life, begin subtracting. Life gets a lot simpler when you clear the clutter that makes it complicated.
It’s time to focus on what matters, and let go of what does not.
For almost a decade now, Marc and I have been learning to do just that—live a simpler life.
Not simpler as in “meager.” Simpler as in “meaningful.”
We’ve been working on eliminating many of life’s complexities so we’re able to spend more time with people we love and do more activities we love. This means we’ve been gradually getting rid of mental and physical clutter, and eliminating all but the essential, so we’re left with only that which gives us value.
Our overarching goal is living a life uncluttered by most of the things people fill their lives with, leaving us with space for what truly matters. A life that isn’t constant busyness, rushing and stress, but instead contemplation, creation and connection with people and projects we love.
Of course, that doesn’t mean we have zero clutter and complications. We’re human and living in the real world with everyone else. We have a home, possessions, computers, gadgets, distractions and occasional busyness. But we have reduced it to make space.
Today, after finishing up a call with a new course student who’s working diligently to simplify various aspects of her life and business, I’ve been reflecting on this simpler life Marc and I have created for ourselves, and I thought I’d share some of these reflections with you.
Some lessons I’ve learned about living a simpler life:
A simpler life is about subtracting the obvious and adding the meaningful. Thus, you are wealthy in proportion to the number of unnecessary things you can afford to live without.
Simplifying is not merely seeing how little you can get by with, but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a difference and mean the most to you.
Overcommitting is the biggest mistake most people make against living a simpler life. It’s tempting to fill in every waking minute of the day with to-do list tasks or distractions. Don’t do this to yourself. Leave space.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. There are so many activities that sound fun and exciting. We check Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat and see what others are doing and immediately want to add these things to our lives. But before you let these new ideas get the best of you, remember that by adding too many things to your life, you are subtracting space. And that space is vital to focusing on what matters most.
Distractions are both more tempting and more damaging than we realize. When we fill our lives with distractions, its often because we’re scared of what life might be like without constant social media, TV, video games, snacks, chats, music, etc. Don’t numb yourself with noise. Don’t let distractions hold you back. Control your distractions before your distractions control you.
You can’t live a simpler life if you’re unwilling to change and let go of what you’re used to.
Priorities don’t get done automatically. You have to make time for what’s important to you: time with your significant other, time with your kids, time for creating, time for learning, time for exercise, etc. Push everything else aside to make time. By saying no to more things that sound really exciting, you get to say yes to more of what’s truly important.
Letting go of old routines and habits and building new ones can be hard, but it’s easier if you do a 30-day challenge. Let go of something for 30 days and see how it affects your life. (Letting go of cable TV was one of the best decisions Marc and I made a few years back—no more continuous, distracting noise in our home, and no more advertisements for stuff we don’t need.)
Buying more stuff doesn’t solve our problems. Neither does more snack food or another TV program.
Shopping isn’t a hobby, and it certainly isn’t therapy. It’s a waste of time and money, and inevitably leads to a cluttered life.
When we travel lightly, we’re freer, less burdened, and less stressed. This applies to traveling through life too, not just traveling through an airport.
It’s not how many, or how few, things we own that matters. It’s whether we make those things count. Thus, it’s better to have three good books on your bookshelf that you’re actually going to read rather than 300 you never get around to.
Decluttering your physical space can lead to a less cluttered mental space. These visual distractions pull on us and distract us in more ways than we often realize.
Overthinking is one of the most rampant sources of stress and mental clutter. The key is to realize that the problem is not the problem. The problem is the incredible amount of overthinking you’re doing with the problem. Let it go and be free.
Positivity always pays off in simplifying outcomes. So before you waste it on anger, resentment, spite or envy, think of how precious and irreplaceable your time is.
Stay out of other people’s drama. And don’t needlessly create your own.
A simpler, more positive mindset can be created anytime and anyplace with a change in thinking. Because frustration and stress come from the way you react, not the way things are. Adjust your attitude, and the frustration and stress evaporates.
The simplest secret to happiness and peace in the present is letting every circumstance be what it is, instead of what you think it should be, and making the best of it.
Gratitude always makes life easier to deal with. Because happiness comes easier when you stop complaining about your problems and you start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have.
Make mistakes, learn from them, laugh about them, and move along. Waste not a minute on outcomes you can’t control.
There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.
The truth—your truth—is always the simplest path forward. If you listen closely to your intuition you will always know what is best for you, because what is best for you is what is true for you.
The feeling you get from doing something important (and true) is far better and less stressful than the feeling you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it.
For the cynics out there who might say the list of lessons above is too long to be “simpler,” there are really only two steps to simplifying:
Identify what’s most important to you.
Eliminate as much as you possibly can of everything else.
Of course, that advice is not terribly useful unless you understand how to apply it to various areas of your life… which is why I gave you the lessons above.
Is there more to sexual intimacy than meets the eye? Use these
13 untold sex secrets to understand sexual intimacy better and get better at it
The idea of sexual intimacy changes all the time for us.
At one point in life, we’re craving for it.
And at another point, we’re feigning headaches to avoid it.
You’d see this kind of behavior in many relationships.
At the beginning, you can’t keep your hands off your lover no
matter where you are.
But as the relationship grows, sex can start to feel more like a
chore if you haven’t created ways to make sex feel more exciting.
The untold sex secrets you need to know
Firstly, sex isn’t a secret. It’s natural and as humans,
we’ve been doing it for a very long time. But rewind back a few thousand
years, and you’d see that humans weren’t really monogamous.
As time passed by, we’ve understood the benefits of monogamy and
society has engrained into our minds that monogamy works out better for us in
the long run.
Loneliness and lack of emotional intimacy versus lots of sex,
which would you prefer?
Sex isn’t a secret, but the ways to ensure that sex stays
exciting in a monogamous relationship, well, that’s definitely a secret worth
knowing, wouldn’t you say?
There are some couples who always seem to have the perfect
relationship with the perfect sex life, and then, there are most others who
have a really hard time staying happy in one.
The biggest sex secret you need to know is the recipe for
perfect romance. And it needs just two ingredients, unconditional love and
If you can truly love each other AND stay sexually attracted to
each other even after several years of marriage or dating each other, you’re
definitely in the right path.
13 sex secrets to a better sex life
Staying in love is easy if you’re a compatible couple that
understands each other perfectly. But getting intensely attracted to each other
sexually a few years into the relationship, well, that’s definitely the hard
If you ever choose to indulge in a day-to-day chore or a mundane
hobby over having sex with your partner, you need to give it a serious thought.
What could start off as a small excuse to avoid sex could turn into voluntary
abstinence over time.
If you want to have a great sex life and keep the sizzle of
sexual attraction alive in your relationship, even years after lying in the
same bed with each other, you need to understand these 13 sex secrets.
These sex secrets will help you understand what it takes to feel
sexy, and keep your partner interested in you, and give you the perfect romance
that will be envied by other couples.
#1 Sex isn’t all physical attraction but… It’s been
said that romantic sex isn’t all about physical appearances, but we all know
that good looks can increase the sex appeal by a long way. Work out and try to
look better for each other. The fitter you look, the sexier you’d look and
feel, and that’ll definitely increase your sex appeal and make you a better
#2 Attention makes you sexy. The more you’re
admired by other members of the opposite sex, the more your partner will
sexually desire you and stay interested in you. Attention from the opposite sex
always has this effect on our partners.
In a long term relationship, both partners would start to take
each other’s sex appeal for granted. After all, when something’s easily
accessible, it’s easy to overlook its value. But when your partner is standing
in a crowd and getting everyone’s attention, that’s when you’d realize just how
awesome and sexy your partner truly is.
#3 Regular sex is monotonous sex. Sex always
gets monotonous and boring if you don’t try something new every now and then.
Sex isn’t just about penetration. It’s what you do with each other before,
during and after sex that makes lovemaking feel more special.
#4 Talking is sexy. When two lovers talk about sex,
it helps each other understand the other partner’s desires and expectations
better. Talking about sex even when you’re not having sex is always great for
the relationship. So don’t be a prude, speak up and your sex will only get
#5 Hide your sexy bits. Don’t be naked all the time in
front of your partner. The more you walk around naked in the bedroom when
you’re not getting intimate, the more both of you will end up sexually
If you’re out at a party, and unexpectedly see a flash of your
partner’s skin, doesn’t it turn you on? Create the same sexual excitement in
bed. Dress up and don’t reveal it all at once.
#6 Missionary rules. The missionary position is the
most comfortable and the most intimate of sex positions. Evolution has taught
us to have sex while facing each other, and that’s something very few species
can do. Use it to build the romantic connection, but every now and then, try to
vary the positions.
If one of you feels like a position is uncomfortable, try something else. You never know how a new position could feel until you try something new now and then.
#7 Sexy imagination. Whether you accept it or not,
your mind would definitely stray while having sex with your partner. It’s
obviously not easy to just stare into each other’s eyes for a good half an hour
with a blank head. Instead of hiding your thoughts while making love, talk
about it. Exploring each other’s imagination in bed is a sexy rush that’ll make
sex a lot more exciting and lustful.
Have an active imagination, read and watch porn, and talk about
your fantasies. It’ll bring back that spark you’re craving for, and each time a
fantasy gets boring, talk about something new!
#8 Sex is happiness. Having sex regularly makes you
a happy person. Just like working out or shopping, sex too stimulates the
release of endorphins that make you feel good about yourself. Sex can relieve a
headache, eliminate stress, and make you feel calmer and more confident at an
interview. So instead of avoiding sex when you’re stressed, indulge in it.
It’ll make you and your partner feel better and bond better too.
#9 Men and women and the way they look at sex. Men and women
just don’t look at lovemaking the same way. Men are visual creatures that are
aroused by what they see physically, while women are more aroused by emotional
intimacy and what they hear and feel while making love.
#10 Drunk sex. Intoxicants like alcohol can at
times be the biggest aphrodisiacs. Alcohol in small amounts reduces inhibition,
which makes you open up more and feel relaxed while getting undressed in the
company of another person.
Alcohol consumption in males reduces the testosterone levels
which reduces their libido proportionally to the alcohol they consume. On the
other hand, alcohol consumption increases the testosterone levels in women. For
most women, increase in alcohol consumption creates an increase in sexual
satisfaction during orgasms.
#11 Dress up and look sexy. Look your best around your
partner instead of dressing down in frayed overalls all the time. If you can do
that right, there’s a good chance that your partner won’t cheat on you.
Here’s the reason why. If you find someone sexually attractive,
you’d find it very hard to lie to them or do something that may offend them. So
instead of hiring a private eye or suffocating your partner into staying loyal
to you, just ensure that your partner still finds you sexually attractive.
#12 Foreplay is a big part. The longer the
foreplay, the more intense the orgasms and the pleasure both of you experience.
So the next time both of you are under the sheets, don’t go straight for the
big act. Take your time to warm up, and the sex will last a lot longer. And
good foreplay can even help a man who’s having a hard time staying up stay up
#13 True love doesn’t define a perfect romance. True love is
not the same as intense sexual attraction. This is the biggest sex secret that
can quash a lot of misconceptions about romantic relationships. Experiencing
true love will not give you the perfect relationship. True love is love. But a
perfect relationship needs more. It needs love and lust to be successful.
When you’re in a relationship, don’t just hold hands and walk
down a street and assume you’re in the perfect romance. Push your partner
against a wall now and then and make out too. Well, then you’d definitely have
the perfect blend of love and lust, the perfect ingredients for romantic love.
Remember these 13 sex secrets and use them in your relationship.
And don’t ever let sexual intimacy stagnate in a relationship, because a
perfect relationship needs more than just love to stay perfect. It needs a good
dose of passionate sex too.
HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP? THE TRUTH REVEALED
If you’ve been
wondering just how important is sex in a relationship, these twelve truths
might shock you and make you jump under the sheets.
Sex has been the
driving force of relationships for as long as we know. Sure, two people can be
together without sex occurring, but the whole point of being in a relationship
*for human survival, anyway* is to procreate. So on that level, the question on
how important is sex in a relationship answers itself. Well, you can’t exactly
make babies without having sex, now can you?
But what about the
other, non-procreation needs? Human existence pushes us toward sexual
relationships more so than any other kind of relationship. So sex must be
pretty damn important in a relationship.
Benefits of sex
Sex isn’t just for the
purpose of making babies. There are actually many health benefits associated
with sex too. My boyfriend knows how much of a health nut I am, so he
frequently uses these reasons to get me into bed and making love to him.
Your immune system
actually strengthens the more sex you have. Not only that, but your heart also
benefits from the increased blood flow of exercise. It has even been proven to
increase self-esteem and other mental health concerns.
How important is sex
in a relationship?
Sure, sex may be
healthy for our bodies, but how vital is it for your relationship? Is it
something we can all go without and still be in a happy and healthy
relationship? Or is it the driving force in a relationship that can mean the
difference between happiness and misery?
The truth is, sex is
extremely important in most relationships. There are SO many reasons that
couples should keep a healthy and active sex life in order to maintain a happy
relationship. These are the reasons sex is so vital in relationships
#1 It keeps you
connected. One of the major
reasons couples end up straying from one another is because they no longer feel
a connection with them. This is largely due to the fact they don’t have sex
Sex connects two
people and allows you to bond with them in ways nobody else can. Sex becomes
extremely important in a relationship for this reason.
#2 It encourages
communication. When you sexually open
up to someone you also open up to them emotionally. When you have frequent sex,
you allow yourself to be open and honest with your partner. This encourages
communication. and we all know how much bad communication hinders a
#3 It reduces stress
levels. I think the worst
thing about being around my boyfriend when he’s stressed is how quickly he
becomes irritated. This leads to arguments, and those arguments can turn into
By have regular sex
you’re reducing stress for each other. You keep your stress levels low enough
to make the relationship happy and healthy. The next time your partner is
feeling stressed, help them relax!
#4 It boosts feelings
of being appreciated. Those
who feel unappreciated in a relationship have a tendency to seek that
appreciation elsewhere. In other words, unhappy partners leave if they don’t
feel very appreciated. Having sex with them frequently is basically your way of
telling them how much you appreciate them.
#5 Helps you sleep
better. I, for one, love
nothing more than taking a nice long nap after having sex or even passing out
for the night right after a great romp in the sheets. Sex helps you sleep
better! When I have been sleeping great I’m usually in a much better mood.
Something that helps stave off frequent arguments.
self-esteem. I love anything making
me feel better about myself. Sex definitely does this. When you feel secure in
yourself you also feel secure in your relationship.
means you aren’t as jealous, and you won’t require a ridiculous amount of
attention from your significant other. Both of which often lead to the demise
of a healthy relationship quickly.
#7 Keeps the
relationship from drying up. By ”drying up,” I simply mean that relationships get boring from
time to time. If you don’t have sex this will happen much faster. When someone
is bored they usually look somewhere else for entertainment, and this could
mean away from you if your sex life isn’t top-notch.
Don’t let your
relationship get so boring and predictable. Keep your partner engaged with some
fun, hot, freaky sex, and they’ll never look elsewhere again. Sex can save your
relationship from ending simply because it’s fun.
#8 Keeps you
healthy. I don’t know about any
of you out there, but I HATE dealing with a sick boyfriend. He’s such a baby
and gets really cranky all the time. A lot of our fights take place when he’s
not feeling well.
One way to fix this
and ensure you’re not breaking up because of silly fights is sex because it
keeps you healthy. Your heart and immune system will be stronger than ever,
just like your relationship.
#9 Gives you two
something fun to do! There’s
nothing like staying in on a weekend night wrapped around each other and
forgetting about the world. Having sex is important in a relationship because
it gives the two of you something productive to do instead of getting into
#10 Helps you get to
know your partner better. I
have found out more about my boyfriend from having sex with him than anything
else we’ve ever done together. The reason for this is because having sex leaves
When someone is
vulnerable they’re much easier to read, and they’re more willing to share
information about themselves that they otherwise might keep hidden inside. This
is important in your relationship because knowing your partner better leaves
you well-equipped to deal with any downfalls.
#11 It gives you time
for each other. Alone time is
EXTREMELY vital in a relationship. You have to be able to get time with just
the two of you and that can be difficult depending on your situation.
When you have sex
you’re taking exclusive time to just be with each other. You’re getting rid of
any distractions and just being in each other’s embrace and strengthening the
relationship you have.
#12 It helps you
remember why you love each other. Whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, no matter how many times
or how long it’s been, I’m always transported back to the first time we did it
and how much happiness I felt for him.
Sex is so important in
a relationship because you remember why you love each other. You go to a place
where there’s nothing else to think about except for them and how much you care
As you can see, having
a healthy sex life improves your relationship and keeps it really healthy for a
long time. If you and your significant other are having some issues, try
solving them with sex!
8 LITTLE WAKE-UP CALLS YOU NEED TO RECEIVE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE
You’ve come a long way, and you’re still learning and growing. Be thankful for the lessons. Take them and make the best of things right now.
For my 18th birthday, many moons ago, my grandfather on my mom’s side gave me four lightly-used flannel shirts that he no longer needed. The shirts were barely worn and in great shape; my grandfather told me he thought they would look great on me. Unfortunately, I thought they were odd gifts at the time and I wasn’t thankful. I looked at him skeptically, gave him a crooked half-smile, and moved on to the other gifts sitting in front of me. My grandfather died two days later from a sudden heart attack. The flannel shirts were the last gifts he ever gave me, and that crooked half-smile was the last time a directly acknowledged him. Today, I still regret the little thing I didn’t say when I had the chance: “Thank you Grandpa. That’s so thoughtful of you.”
This was a huge wake-up call for me—one that has served me well for over two decades now.
And here are eight wake-up calls for you—some important lessons worth learning before it’s too late:
1. You might not have tomorrow to say, “I love you.”
About a decade ago a coworker of mine died in a car accident. During his funeral several people from the office were in tears, saying kind things like: “I loved him. We all loved him so much. He was such a wonderful person.” I started crying too, and I wondered if these people had told him that they loved him while he was alive, or whether it was only with death that this powerful word, love, had been used without question or hesitation.
I vowed to myself then and there that I would never again hesitate to speak up to the people I love and remind them of how much I appreciate them. They deserve to know they give meaning to my life. They deserve to know I think the world of them.
Bottom line: If you love someone today, tell them. If you appreciate someone today, tell them. There might not be a tomorrow. Today is the day to express your love and admiration.
2. Your judgments of others are often inaccurate.
You will never know exactly what another person is going through or what their whole story is. When you believe you do, realize that your assumptions about their life are in direct relation to your limited perspective.
Many people you believe to be successful are extremely unhappy. Many people you think have it easy worked their tail off achieve what they have. Many people who appear to be wealthy are in debt because of their extravagant tastes for material possessions. Many people who appear to you to be old and uncool were once every bit as young and hip and inexperienced as you.
3. Not trying is why most people fail.
It’s not the mistakes and failures you have to worry about, it’s the opportunities you miss when you don’t even try that hurt you the most. Trying always leads to success regardless of the outcome. Even mistakes and failures teach you what not to do next time. Thus, every outcome is a lesson that makes you stronger and wiser.
Your life will get better when you get better. Start investing in yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. Make it a priority to learn and grow every day by building positive rituals and sticking to them. The stronger you become, the better your life will feel.
4. Patience does not mean waiting and doing nothing.
Patience involves productive activity. It means doing your very best with the resources available to you, while understanding that the results you seek are worth the required time and effort, and not available elsewhere for any less time and effort.
Patience is the realization that the quality of your life is much more significant than the quantity of things you fill it with. Patience is your willingness to accept and appreciate what you have right now, while you put forth a steady, focused effort into growing toward your dreams and goals.
5. You don’t need anything more to be happy.
Intuitively, you already know that the best stuff in life isn’t stuff at all, and that relationships, experiences and meaningful work are the staples of a happy, fulfilling life. Yet you live in a consumer driven society where your mind is incessantly subjected to clever advertising ploys that drive you, against your better judgment, to buy material goods you don’t need or even want.
At a certain point, the needless material objects you buy crowd out the emotional needs advertisers would like you to believe they are meant to support. So next time you’re getting ready to make an impulsive purchase, ask yourself if this thing is really better than the things you already have. Or have you been momentarily tricked into believing that you’re dissatisfied with what you already have?
6. You aren’t perfect, and neither is anyone else.
All humans are imperfect. At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know.
And guess what? You’re human—we all are. We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard. We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes.
But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments. Most of the time we’re remarkable. So stand beside the people you love through their trying times of imperfection, and offer yourself the same courtesy; if you aren’t willing to, you don’t deserve to be around for the perfect moments either.
7. All the little things make a big difference.
Life isn’t about a single moment of great triumph and attainment. It’s about the trials and errors that get you there—the blood, sweat, and tears—the small, inconsequential things you do every day. It all matters in the end—every step, every regret, every decision, and every affliction.
The seemingly useless happenings add up to something. The minimum wage job you had in high school. The evenings you spent socializing with coworkers you never see anymore. The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads. Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be. All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.
All of this has strengthened you. All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had. All of this has made you who you are today.
Truth be told, you’ve been broken down a 1,000 times and put yourself back together again. Think about how remarkable that is, and how far you’ve come. You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even yesterday. You’re always growing… stronger!
8. Excuses are lies.
Make no mistake, there is always a lie lingering in between a dream and too many excuses. And the lie is you lying to yourself.
The excuses and explanations won’t do you any good. They won’t add any value to your life or improve the quality of it by even the slightest margin. To fulfill your calling and get where you wish to go in life requires more than just thinking and talking. These feats require focused and sustained action. And the good news is, you’re perfectly capable of taking whatever actions are necessary. You just have to choose to actually do it.
No one else can succeed for you on your behalf. The life you live is the life you build for yourself. There are so many possibilities to choose from, and so many opportunities for you to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Now is the moment to actually step forward.
Now, it’s your turn…
Today, I hope you will have another inspired day, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make some progress that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.
Exercising during pregnancy is generally
safe and can reduce the risk for several conditions including excessive weight
gain, gestational diabetes and preeclampsia.
Always consult with your doctor before
starting any exercise routine, since certain conditions can make it more
Doctors recommend about 30 minutes of
exercise a day — or 150 minutes a week — but no more than 45 minutes per day,
which can increase your risk of overheating and dehydration.
Aerobic exercise, including jogging, is safe
during pregnancy, but you should be able to carry on a conversation while
active. Start slowly if you rarely exercised before pregnancy or are obese.
Avoid inherently risky activities, such as
scuba or sky diving, contact sports, horseback riding, gymnastics or downhill
skiing. Hot yoga and hot pilates are also unadvisable since they can increase
body temperature too much and endanger the fetus.
If you notice warning signs of early labor
or pregnancy complications, such as vaginal bleeding, breathing problems, or
painful contractions, stop and contact your doctor.
Both times I’ve been pregnant, I’ve felt conflicted about
exercise. On the one hand, I was often tired and nauseous; napping felt way
more appealing than sweating. On the other hand, I wanted to do what was best
for my baby and ward off extra pregnancy pounds. So I began hunting for the
perfect prenatal workout. I tried what felt like everything — elliptical
machines, yoga, power walking and even weightlifting, which elicited a number
of concerned comments from gym-goers to “take it easy.”
According to Dr. Margie Davenport, Ph.D., director of the
Program for Pregnancy and Postpartum Health at the University of Alberta in
Canada, the belief that it’s dangerous to exercise during pregnancy is common —
but it’s wrong. “We recommend beginning exercise or continuing to exercise as
soon as you become pregnant,” she said. In most uncomplicated pregnancies,
exercise is safe and tied to a reduced risk for many complications including
excessive weight gain, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, back pain and depression. For
anyone worried about the safety of exercise during pregnancy, like those judgey
gym-goers, Dr. Davenport and her colleagues recently published a systematic review in the British Journal
of Sports Medicine, which analyzed 46 studies, and concluded that prenatal
exercise does not increase the risk of miscarriage or death of the fetus.
The research I consulted, along with the obstetrician and
maternal-fetal medicine specialist I talked with for this guide, agreed with
Dr. Davenport: In most circumstances, exercise is good for both mom and baby,
although there are important things to keep in mind.
WHAT TO DO
the differences between safe and unsafe exercise
Most of the time, exercising during
pregnancy is safe, but nevertheless “it’s really important that women speak
with their health care provider to see if they have any contraindications, or
medical reasons that they shouldn’t,” Dr. Davenport said.
According to the American College of
Obstetricians and Gynecologists, women with certain health conditions —
including certain heart or lung diseases, cervical issues, pregnancy with
multiples, persistent bleeding during the second or third trimester, preeclampsia
or anemia — shouldn’t exercise while pregnant at all.
ACOG’s guidelines also
note that if you have certain conditions or habits, such as heavy smoking, high
blood pressure, overactive thyroid or are morbidly obese or underweight,
consult with your doctor before exercising, because the benefits of exercise
may not outweigh the potential risks.
how exercise can help you
Exercising during pregnancy isn’t just about
keeping off extra pounds (although it also does that). According to a recent review published in the British Journal
of Sports Medicine, pregnant women who exercised in various ways had about a 40
percent reduced risk for gestational diabetes, gestational hypertension and
preeclampsia. Studies also suggest that women who exercise during pregnancy
are less likely to
become depressed and develop less severe low back and pelvic pain.
Regular exercise can help with labor and post-delivery recovery, too, by reducing the odds of having an
instrument-assisted delivery — a delivery in which forceps or a vacuum
device is used — and lowering the risk for
urinary incontinence after birth.
precautions before and during exercise — and avoid risky types
To reduce the chance of developing low blood
sugar, you should eat before exercising, said Dr. Raul Artal, M.D., a professor
and chairman emeritus of the department of obstetrics, gynecology and women’s
health at the St. Louis University School of Medicine. Smoothies, fruits, nuts
or whole-grain crackers are good choices. Drink water to stay hydrated, too,
and don’t exercise outdoors at temperatures above 90 degrees. That’s because
heat stress in the first trimester, such as from saunas and hot tubs, has
been linked with birth defects of the brain,
nervous system or spinal cord. According to recent research, though,
exercising when it’s not really hot out does not increase core body temperature
enough to cause problems. In fact, research suggests that exercising during
pregnancy is linked with a reduced risk for neural tube defects.
ACOG recommends that pregnant women avoid
the following activities, which could pose health risks:
Contact sports such as ice hockey, boxing,
soccer and basketball
Activities with a high risk of falling, such
as downhill skiing, water skiing, surfing, off-road cycling, gymnastics and
Hot yoga or hot pilates
you can do regularly
“Oftentimes, women think that exercise means
going to a gym, and it doesn’t,” said Dr. Diana Ramos, M.D., M.P.H., an
obstetrician and medical director for reproductive health at the Los Angeles
Public Health Department. “It’s as simple as walking.”
Other activities ACOG recommends include
swimming, stationary cycling, yoga, pilates and low-impact aerobics such as
jogging and pool aerobics. What’s most important is that you choose an activity
that you’ll be able to do regularly. My favorite prenatal workout ended up
being one I did in my basement —
where I was conveniently shielded from intrusive bystanders and just a few
steps away from the essential re-fueling station (aka my kitchen).
ACOG’s guidelines recommend
that pregnant women exercise for 150 minutes a week, or about 30 minutes a day,
five days a week. They caution against exercising for more than 45 minutes at a
time because doing so can increase the risk for low blood sugar, which can make
you lightheaded or dizzy. If you didn’t exercise much before you got pregnant,
or you are obese, it’s O.K. to start with as little as 10 minutes of activity a
day and “build it up at a rate that is going to be sustainable,” Dr. Davenport
said. Dr. Davenport also pointed out that some activity is better than none at
all — exercising for fewer than 150 minutes a week still provides some
Aerobic exercise, such as jogging, is safe
for women who were active before they got pregnant. Guidelines recommend that
women be able to pass the “talk test,” meaning they can carry on a conversation
while exercising. More intense exercise may also be O.K., but Dr. Gregory
Davies, M.D., a professor and chair of the Division of Maternal-Fetal Medicine
at Queen’s University in Canada, pointed out that very little research has been
done to address this question. “Most, if not all, our knowledge about safety
and pregnancy benefits is based on research protocols that reflected moderate
exercise, at most,” he said. The same goes for strength training, so if you’re
going to lift weights, don’t overdo it. A 2015 trialfound that pregnant women can safely lift
10 pounds or less, but studies haven’t evaluated the safety of heavier
that your body is changing
During pregnancy, a woman’s joints become
more relaxed, so it’s important not to overstretch, Dr. Davenport said. It’s
also wise to avoid activities that require jumping or quick directional
changes, which can stress the joints, too. Balance becomes less stable after
the first trimester, which is why it’s also important to avoid activities that
require careful balance, such as skiing. To stay safe, invest in supportive
shoes — don’t go for your daily walk in flip-flops — because “you really need
the right support for your feet,” Dr. Ramos said.
ACOG also suggests avoiding exercises that
require you to lie on your back during pregnancy. Doing so can restrict blood
flow to the heart, which might also restrict blood flow to the fetus. Usually,
if this happens, you will feel light-headed and nauseous, Dr. Davenport said,
which you can take as a sign to sit up.
WHEN TO WORRY
According to ACOG, women who experience any warning signs while
exercising such as vaginal bleeding, regular painful contractions, amniotic
fluid leakage, difficulty breathing, dizziness, headache, chest pain, muscle
weakness, or calf pain or swelling should stop and contact their health
Dr. Margie Davenport, Ph.D., associate
professor of kinesiology, sport and recreation and director of the Program for
Pregnancy and Postpartum Health at the University of Alberta, Dec. 5, 2018
Dr. Diana Ramos, M.D., M.P.H., medical
director for reproductive health for the Los Angeles Public Health Department,
Dec. 5, 2018
Dr. Raul Artal, M.D., professor and chairman
emeritus of the department of obstetrics, gynecology, and women’s health at the
St. Louis University School of Medicine, Dec. 6, 2018
Dr. Gregory Davies, M.D., professor and
chair of the division of maternal-fetal medicine at Queen’s University in
Canada, Dec. 10, 2018