REPAIRS DURING CONFLICT ARE A SUPERPOWER OF EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED COUPLE
When you think about it, every couple in every relationship is set up for failure. It is impossible to be emotionally available to your partner 100 percent of the time. In fact, you will miss most of your partner’s bids for emotional connection out of mindlessness.
But failure is not the problem. Even a mother who failed to be responsive and available 50 percent of the time can raise a child to be a healthy adult who has healthy relationships. According to psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, the difference between “good mothers and bad mothers is not the omission of errors but what they do with them.” How a child copes with everyday failures and fluctuations is directly related to the degree in which their parent creates an environment for a secure attachment bond and how that parent repairs their errors.
This is no different in our romantic relationships. The difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t make mistakes. We all do. How couples handle conflict resolution is what separates the relationship Masters from the Disasters.
THE FOUR HORSEMEN: CRITICISM, CONTEMPT, DEFENSIVENESS, AND STONEWALLING
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.
The first horseman of the apocalypse is criticism. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his or her whole being when you criticize.
- Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
- Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish! You never think of others! You never think of me!”
10 TEXTS A MARRIED MAN SHOULD NEVER SEND
They don’t feel dangerous, but these texts can completely ruin your marriage and happiness.
Men, you love your wife, and you would never try to intentionally hurt her. But these 11 seemingly innocent texts can damage, or completely destroy, even the healthiest relationship if left unchecked.
1. Checking in on your ex-girlfriend
10 WAYS TO SAY I LOVE YOU
Be Creative When You Say I Love You
Looking for lots of ways to say “I love you”? Why not try something new…or foreign…or silent? Check out these slides for ideas.
The Grecian Influence
A HUSBAND, A WIFE, A COLD BED AND WHATSAPP
“You look beautiful,” he texted his wife on WhatsApp.
He was in the living room with the children. The wife was in the kitchen washing the dishes.
“I have no time for small talk,” she texted him in anger, then continued washing the dishes.
“I thought you like compliments my love?” He typed back, then continued looking at the children.
“If that was a genuine compliment, you would have told me in the morning, not when the day is ending,” she typed back, placing the washed plate in the rack. “Why do you only call me my love when you know you have done wrong?” she typed further.
MY WIFE, WHO HURT YOU IN YOUR PAST?
He had a deadline to beat. So he came home late when his family was already asleep. He went into the kitchen, warmed his dinner that his wife had cooked – matoke with beef stew. In a few minutes he was done and went to sleep, exhausted.
In the morning, he and his wife got up. After the shower, wearing robes, it was time to prepare for the day.
“You think I am your house help? What is this? How many times must I tell you to never leave utensils unwashed? I wake up to an unwashed plate in the kitchen sink! Can’t you even wash after yourself? Must I always clean up after you? Are you a baby? And you used my favourite plate that I keep for visitors! Can’t you even use the many other plates I bought? Agrrrr you’ve ruined my morning. I am so sick of being married to a man who can’t even follow simple instructions!” his wife shouted at him.
USING MODERN TECHNOLOGY FOR GOOD
Our favorite gadgets have gotten a bad rap. We don’t, however, need to disconnect all together. It’s up to us how we use the power of technology. Here are 10 responsible ways to use electronics to make family life better.
With great power comes great responsibility, is the mantra of Marvel comics’ Amazing Spiderman. Modern technology has put a lot of power in the palm of our hand. Sexting, cyber bullying, online gambling, violent video games and porn have given our favorite gadgets a bad rap. We don’t, however, need to disconnect all together. It’s up to us how we use the power of technology. Here are 10 responsible ways to use electronics to make family life better.
Finally, an answer to the endless “why” questions your child throws at you. A quick internet search will yield the most up-to-date information on any topic child or parent is interested. No more combing through outdated encyclopedias at the library, school projects will be done in a flash, as well. However, use caution when using information from the internet. Look for reputable sources. University research sites, news organizations and well-controlled and documented information sources like Wikipedia are your best bet.
60 TINY LOVE STORIES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
Here’s a selection of 60 tiny love stories that not only made us think, but warmed our hearts and made us smile too. We hope they do the same for you.
- Today, my 75-year-old grandpa who has been blind from cataracts for almost 15 years said to me, “Your grandma is just the most beautiful thing, isn’t she?” I paused for a second and said, “Yes she is. I bet you miss seeing that beauty on a daily basis.” “Sweety,” my grandpa said, “I still see her beauty every day. In fact, I see it more now than I used to when we were young.” MMT
- Today, I walked my daughter down the aisle. Ten years ago I pulled a 14 year old boy out of his mom’s fire-engulfed SUV after a serious accident. Doctors initially said he would never walk again. My daughter came with me several times to visit him at the hospital. Then she started going on her own. Today, seeing him defy the odds and smile widely, standing on his own two feet at the altar as he placed a ring on my daughter’s finger MMT.