THE ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIP TRAP: AN INTERVIEW WITH AMIR LEVINE PART II
Interview Guest: Amir Levine, M.D., is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and co-author of a popular book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love, which has been translated into 14 languages. You can read Part I of the interview with Dr. Levine here.
It’s important to be in a secure relationship because insecure relationships are “a recipe for a lot of pain,” according to Dr. Levine.
This doesn’t mean that partners in insecure relationships don’t love each other. They often love each other a lot. The problem is that in an anxious-avoidant relationship, there tends to be a sense of “stable instability.”
HOW TO REPAIR THE LITTLE THINGS SO THEY DON’T BECOME BIG THINGS
All couples argue. Happy couples argue well. They have strategies for dealing with their inevitable disagreements, and they process their feelings so they don’t bottle up.
We know from Dr. Gottman’s research that both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only 9% of the time. This leaves 91% of our relationship ripe for miscommunication.
The difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t make mistakes. We all hurt our partner’s feelings. The difference is that happy couples repair, and they do so early and often.
THE LITTLE THINGS THAT WILL MAKE OR BREAK YOUR RELATIONSHIP
He comes home from work exhausted again. After yet another frustrating meeting that could have been covered in an email, a tense conversation with a co-worker about the state of the break room refrigerator, and predictably awful traffic on the way home, he crashes onto the living room sofa, lets out a deep breath, and turns on his favorite show. All he wants to do is decompress in silence.
As if on cue, he hears the back door open. His wife is home — and somehow she’s more chipper than ever. As she enters the room and removes her coat, she takes a moment to pause at the front window, saying, “What beautiful weather — it’s just lovely today.”
What should he do next? The answer may matter more than you think.
MARRIAGE IS NOT A BIG THING, IT’S A MILLION LITTLE THINGS
What if I told you that there are specific, concrete steps to having a better relationship?
After spending more than four decades studying the components of what creates lasting and successful partnerships, Dr. John Gottman has discovered what couples can do to pave the way to having, and sustaining, their ideal marriage.
One revelation to come from his research is the idea that small, intentional moments hold more weight than isolated, extravagant gestures when it comes to building emotional longevity in your relationship. Dr. Gottman’s motto is “small things often.”
ONE HARD THING MENTALLY STRONG PEOPLE DO WHEN LIFE DOESN’T GO AS PLANNED
It’s wild how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us down paths we would never travel if it were up to us.
Don’t be afraid.
Trust the journey.
Don’t let your expectations of how life “should be” blind you to the beauty of the life you’re living.
MISOGYNIST MEN: 18 WAYS TO INSTANTLY SPOT A WOMEN HATER
You’ve probably heard of a misogynist, but don’t think you’ve ever actually met one. Well, maybe you’re just not looking at the right signs.
IT IS NOT MY FAULT!
“NG, please now,” Mike whispered as he tried to pull his sister Ngozi to face him on the bed. “You know mummy went to bed early and may soon get up for her mid night prayers,” he continued.
“Michael, leave me alone,” Ngozi almost shouted. “I have told you that I am on but you don’t want to hear. If we do anything now and the bed spread gets stained, how do you explain that to mummy? Have you forgotten so soon how you almost let the cat out of the bag the other time something like that happened? I don’t know why you don’t like being reasonable at times! I have told you that we need to be cautious now that daddy is not at home because mummy leaves her bedroom door open and can come out any moment.”
But Mike would not take no for an answer and continued pleading and tugging on Ngozi’s see-through pink night wear.
WHEN THE WIFE WAS ASKED A QUESTION…
Years ago at a marriage conference, a wife was asked if her husband made her happy! Of course her husband stood beside her, beaming with smiles. He was full of confidence, believing he knew what her answer would be!
He thought his wife would say ‘YES,” because they had a happy marriage. On the contrary, she responded with a shocking “NO.”
Hear her: “My husband has never made me happy and does not make me happy! I am happy! Whether I am happy or not is not dependent on him but on me. I am the only person on whom my happiness depends. I choose to be happy in every situation and every moment of my life for if my happiness depended on another person, thing or circumstance on the face of the earth, I would be in serious trouble. Everything that exists in this life constantly changes: the human being, the riches, my body, the climate, my boss, the pleasures, the friends, and my physical and mental health. I could quote an endless list.
WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? – IS IT LOVE OR LUST?
Is it love or lust that you’re experiencing with your partner? Sometimes, you may think you’re in love without really realizing that there’s no love in the relationship, but just lust. Find out whether you’re in love or lust right here.
Contrary to what most of us believe, we don’t really fall in love at first sight. Almost always, it’s lust at first sight.
The intense attraction that you feel for someone when you first lock eyes with each other, those butterflies in your stomach and that skip in your heart, in all probability, is lust and not love.
But lusting for someone isn’t a bad thing, because love generally starts with lust and desire and grows and blossoms into love over a few weeks or months.
IN LOVE WITH TWO PEOPLE? – HOW TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND
Can you ever be in love with two people at the same time? Of course, you can. But can you carry it off without breaking hearts? Well, that’s tricky.
Have you ever found yourself falling for someone when you’re already in a committed relationship?
Have you ever been in love with two people at the same time?
If you have, you aren’t alone.
While it may infuriate your partner or seem morally unethical, falling in love with two people is as simple as falling in love with one person.