A Couple’s Guide to Complaining

A COUPLE’S GUIDE TO COMPLAINING

Jon Beaty

My wife Tami felt angry. “All you do after you get home from work and eat dinner is sit on the couch. Why can’t we talk, or take a walk together, or do both?”

Couples will always have complaints about each other. Unfortunately, instead of expressing their complaints, they resort to criticizing each other. Unchecked criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and when couples fall prey to the Four Horsemen, it can lead to divorce.

Tami’s criticism provoked me to defend myself. We were almost three years into our marriage, and hadn’t yet learned how to effectively air our complaints about each other.

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How to Be Kind When You’re Upset With Your Partner

HOW TO BE KIND WHEN YOU’RE UPSET WITH YOUR PARTNER

Sanaa Hyder

One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to be nice to your partner when you’re upset with them. It’s also one of the most important moments to be kind. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who start arguments gently are more likely to manage conflict effectively, without harming the relationship. In fact, it is in these moments that Dr. Gottman can predict the success or failure of the relationship with over 90% accuracy.

In a popular Atlantic Magazine interview, Dr. Julie Gottman explains that, “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

The Vow of Kindness

Kindness is not just important in the heat of an argument, rather, it is about your mindful and considerate behavior throughout your relationship.

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Chronic Stonewalling Imprisons a Relationship

CHRONIC STONEWALLING IMPRISONS A RELATIONSHIP

Kyle Benson

Stonewalling
Have you ever watched a child try to get attention from their mom or dad?
“Pay attention to me.”
“Look at me.”
“Mommy, daddy, watch me.”

But what happens if the child’s attachment figure is unavailable and unresponsive? The child will experience distress.

It doesn’t matter if you are 5 months old or 45 years. There are still two basic responses to an unavailable attachment figure.

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Have You Committed to a Contempt-Free Marriage?

HAVE YOU COMMITTED TO A CONTEMPT-FREE MARRIAGE?

Kyle Benson

Contempt

The absence of delight in your partner creates an emptiness in a marriage that ruins love. According to Dr. Gottman’s research on long-lasting marriages, the number one predictor as to whether a marriage would last was the presence or absence of contempt.

The music of marriage continues to play as partners dance to the beats of love and respect. But if the drums of respect leave and the sirens of contempt enters, the capacity for communication no longer exists.

Chase: We bought you a new car two years ago and you rarely take care of it. I wash my truck every week.
Heather: It’s hard for me to wash my car.
Chase: I wash my truck and it’s bigger than your car.
Heather: Would you help me?
Chase: Do you help me wash my car?
Heather: I haven’t yet, but I’d help you if you help me.
Chase: Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m not a little princess who believes she can treat her things poorly and then go out a buy a new car every few years. Go back to your castle.

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Be Angry—Sin Not

BE ANGRY—SIN NOT

Richard Innes

“In your anger do not sin.” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV)

I recall teaching a group where I said that it was okay to be angry. One lady was absolutely amazed. She told me that she had been taught all her life that Christians never get angry. So she had reasoned in her mind: “Christians never get angry. I’m always angry. Therefore I can never be a Christian!”

That night she was freed from 20 years of anguish and received assurance of her salvation. She was indeed a Christian because she had received Jesus as her Savior.

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10 things men wish women would stop doing (and embrace their natural beauty instead)

10 THINGS MEN WISH WOMEN WOULD STOP DOING (AND EMBRACE THEIR NATURAL BEAUTY INSTEAD)

Stael Ferreira Pedrosa
Avoid these 10 things that men find unattractive.

The answer is yes. Most men can tell when a woman is trying too hard. Here are 10 things they dislike the most:
1. Extreme hairstyles
A woman with hair full of volumizing product and variously placed bobby pins walks into the room. You think she will attract the attention of all the men at the party. Will it attract attention? Yes, but not for the reasons you want. Most men prefer long, loose, soft and silky hair, not sticky hairspray and hard gels.

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A Married Couple’s Guide to Complaining

A MARRIED COUPLES GUIDE TO COMPLAINING

Jon Beaty

My wife Tami felt angry. “All you do after you get home from work and eat dinner is sit on the couch. Why can’t we talk, or take a walk together, or do both?”

Couples will always have complaints about each other. Unfortunately, instead of expressing their complaints, they resort to criticizing each other. Unchecked criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and when couples fall prey to the Four Horsemen, it can lead to divorce.

Tami’s criticism provoked me to defend myself. We were almost three years into our marriage, and hadn’t yet learned how to effectively air our complaints about each other.

Read more

How to Handle Anger in Your Relationship

HOW TO HANDLE ANGER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Sanaa Hyder

Anger can be processed by going on a run, practicing yoga, or mindfully engaging in deep breathing. While these are all great tactics, what happens when your anger is directed at your partner in the heat of the moment?

Anger can overwhelm even the most self-reflective and self-aware person. When you are flooded, your pulse races and your limbic system takes over, making rational thought almost impossible.

It’s important to understand that anger is often a red herring which covers up more vulnerable feelings such as embarrassment, sadness, and hopelessness.

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The Anger Iceberg

THE ANGER ICEBERG

Kyle Benson

Have you ever wondered why we get angry? According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, “emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us.”

In his book Emotional Intelligence, Goleman tells us that anger causes blood to flow to our hands, making it easier for us to strike an enemy or hold a weapon. Our heart rate speeds up and a rush of hormones – including adrenaline – creates a surge of energy strong enough to take “vigorous action.” In this way, anger has been ingrained into our brain to protect us. Read more

A husband, a wife, a cold bed and WhatsApp

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A HUSBAND, A WIFE, A COLD BED AND WHATSAPP
Olanrewaju Tunmise

“You look beautiful,” he texted his wife on WhatsApp.

He was in the living room with the children. The wife was in the kitchen washing the dishes.

“I have no time for small talk,” she texted him in anger, then continued washing the dishes.

“I thought you like compliments my love?” He typed back, then continued looking at the children.

“If that was a genuine compliment, you would have told me in the morning, not when the day is ending,” she typed back, placing the washed plate in the rack. “Why do you only call me my love when you know you have done wrong?” she typed further.

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