TRANSFORMING CRITICISM INTO WISHES: A RECIPE FOR SUCCESSFUL CONFLICT
In the heat of an argument, it’s far easier to say what we don’t want than what we do. Stan Tatkin, the founder of the psychobiological approach to couple therapy, proposes that people are better built for war than love. Sometimes it seems that way.
We say, “Stop being so sad,” instead of, “I wish you would tell me what’s making you sad.”
Or, “You’re always neglecting me!” instead of, “I feel really lonely and need your attention.”
Criticism is Destructive
The problem with expressing needs in a negative way is it comes off like criticism. Despite what some people say, there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism triggers a person to become defensive and protect themselves from an attack, which blocks the resolution of a conflict.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: THE UNTOLD STORY OF ENGR. CHINYERE SYLVIA AKALEME (NEE IGBO)
The menace of Domestic Violence in Nigeria and its implications on the families of the victims
LATE ENGR. SYLVIA CHINYERE AKALEME
Unfortunately for Sylvia, or Chinyere as she was fondly called by family and close friends, she did not live to tell her own story. She was cut down in her prime by her husband, OBINNA AKALEME, the man she loved till death did them part. She died on the day she was due to give birth after a series of miscarriages in her husband’s house.
If you answer yes to these 11 questions, you’ve experienced emotional abuse (and possibly haven’t realized it)
It can be so subtle, you may not realize it’s happening. But emotional abuse is never OK.
We all hope for healthy relationships throughout our lives, but that doesn’t always happen. Too many people are emotionally abused by parents, siblings, significant others or friends.
It’s often subtle, with the victim (and even the abuser) not realizing it’s happening.
Emotional abuse is more than having a fight and exchanging words you didn’t mean. It can also be more damaging than physical abuse.
According to Psychology Today, “Emotional abuse undercuts a person’s foundational self-confidence and love of self and replaces them with confusion about self-worth, value, justice, mercy, and love.” Emotional abuse, also called mental or psychological abuse, can be aggressive or passive. It can be tricky to identify in your own relationships, but these questions can help:
THE WAR OF INDEPENDENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The idea that partners shouldn’t be needy and should be independent creates a lack of security in the relationship.
Kim and Kevin were on the verge of breaking up. Neither of them wanted to end things, but they were exhausted from fighting and blaming each other.
Kevin values his quality time with Kim, and regularly organizes date nights for them. While Kim does find him sweet, she wants to spend more time with her friends. Kevin says this makes him feel lonely. This makes Kim feel suffocated and exhausted by his “neediness.”
WHY I NEVER TALKED ABOUT MY ABUSIVE ARRANGED MARRIAGE
Why did she, and millions of other women remain in abusive marriages? How can she put it behind her?
Recently, I spent a whole night watching YouTube interviews of victims who have suffered/are suffering from domestic violence. At that time I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing. But I wanted to hear those who’ve had similar lives to mine.
They’ve all suffered to different degrees and at different stages in their relationship. They all had different but equally painful stories to share. At the end of each conversation, the host of the show asks them, “Why would you allow all those wrong things to happen to you? Why didn’t you seek any help?” Most of them didn’t even share their sufferings with anybody. The host asks if they were too ashamed of what happened or of themselves, or was it because they feel no one would understand them? They all replied differently, but none of them knew precisely why.
WHAT YOU OUGHT TO KNOW ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE, EFFECTS ON CHILDREN?
Sexual Abuse Effects on Children, Sexual Harassment, Sexual Violence
A recent discussion I was involved in got me to ask this question; “When is the right time and place to educate your kids about sexual molestation?”
This discussion came up in an online group and eventually got everyone on high alert. A girl child (about 11 years old) was told by an elderly stranger (man is certainly over 55 years old) that he liked her because she is beautiful, and would love to marry her. Luckily, the child seemed to have gone through the rudiments of sex education. She returned immediately to her mother to report to her mum that the man is a predator.
According to the Wikipedia,
A sexual predator is a person seen as obtaining or trying to obtain sexual contact with another person in a metaphorically “predatory” or abusive manner.”
MY WIFE, WHO HURT YOU IN YOUR PAST?
He had a deadline to beat. So he came home late when his family was already asleep. He went into the kitchen, warmed his dinner that his wife had cooked – matoke with beef stew. In a few minutes he was done and went to sleep, exhausted.
In the morning, he and his wife got up. After the shower, wearing robes, it was time to prepare for the day.
“You think I am your house help? What is this? How many times must I tell you to never leave utensils unwashed? I wake up to an unwashed plate in the kitchen sink! Can’t you even wash after yourself? Must I always clean up after you? Are you a baby? And you used my favourite plate that I keep for visitors! Can’t you even use the many other plates I bought? Agrrrr you’ve ruined my morning. I am so sick of being married to a man who can’t even follow simple instructions!” his wife shouted at him.
THINK DEEPLY ABOUT THIS; YES, THINK!
An 8-year-old boy was seated at the corner of a place of worship with his younger sister. He was deeply engrossed in prayers asking for the assistance of the Sovereign GOD!
It caught my curiosity. He was wearing very old clothes with patches here and there, but they were very clean. His cheeks were wet with his tears, the passersby were looking at him, but nobody bothered to stop by him, even as the little boy was busy talking to his GOD!
A stranger went to him, took his hand and asked him, “What did you ask from GOD?!”
A Message on Domestic Violence by a Former Victim Mary Gilliam