Behind Every Woman’s Body Is a Woman

BEHIND EVERY WOMAN’S BODY IS A WOMAN

Noah Filipiak

When you look at pornography, what you end up seeing is a long line of naked bodies. When you look at pornography for years, you end up seeing years and years’ worth of long lines of naked bodies.

I do a lot of work with guys who, in their past, looked at porn for years. They don’t look at porn anymore, but they have a very hard time controlling where their eyes go when real-life women approach them. While it seems natural that we should be able to control the physical movements of our eyes, the connection between exposure to pornography and how it conditions us should not be such a surprise. It is, in fact, one of the greatest tragedies caused by porn.

Porn teaches men that women are bodies. I’m using a broad definition of the word “porn” here. I’m referring to any seductive display of a woman’s naked body, whether that’s a pornographic video, a Playboy image, or a scene from Game of Thrones. I’d even throw in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, the gateway to porn for scores of men, as its seductive photos have created the same conditioned response: women are bodies.

We know this message isn’t true, and we’ve seen its tragic consequences in our culture, yet it continues every time a pornographic image is consumed.

A Hyperbolic Example

Let’s look at a hyperbolic example. A baby boy is born on an island separated from the human population. All he sees his entire life are videos and images of nude women either having sex, desiring sex, or posing seductively.

Then, at age 25, he is placed into the general human population. How is he going to view the women that he meets and interacts with every day?

That’s a scary thought, but it shouldn’t be surprising. He’s going to see women as two-dimensional sets of body parts whose only purpose for existing is his own sexual gratification. This has nothing to do with how a woman is dressed, for this will happen regardless of the style or fashion. Throughout his entire life his eyes have darted straight to her body parts, so that’s what they will continue to do, because he thinks that’s what a woman is.

I say some of this because I’m still shocked at how secular culture can embrace pornography in all its forms, yet somehow not see the connection between it and the sexual objectification and abuse of women in the real world.

But I also say it to set the table for the real men who are now caught in the trap they have built for themselves over years of being conditioned by porn. Most of us are at a point where we aren’t condemning the man who is looking at porn, or who has looked at it in his past, but are extending a hand of grace and help. But now this man’s physiological responses to women have been trained to see them as sexual objects and to subconsciously glance at their body parts as a now-instinctive act of consumption and gratification.

Can this conditioned response be stopped?

The good news is, it can be. But not without some intentionality and hard work. For most men it will take more than a sermon or a lecture to get their eyes to do what their mind and heart want.

The Problem with the Porn Mindset

The foundation of this rewiring process begins with our approach to how and why we are avoiding pornography in the first place. If you’ve been told to not look at pornography because it’s bad and sinful to do it, you might be able to cut out porn from your life, but your porn mindset is likely to remain. Porn did something to your mind, something that has to be undone. More than just training yourself to avoid pornography, you have to rewire your mind from the porn mindset.

The problem with the porn mindset is it doesn’t see all of a woman (or man), it only sees their body parts. We all know we are more than body parts. We all know our mothers, daughters, sisters, and wives are more than body parts. We know that we are all complex beings. We know that what makes relationships both rewarding and challenging is that we are complex beings. Every woman, just like every man, has strengths, weaknesses, stressors, anxieties, pain, joy, personality, values, and a long list of other attributes that separate humans from the animals.

Yet porn has trained men that women are just bodies. You can consume them and move on.

God’s design for sex doesn’t allow for this. His design for sex is that all of someone is embraced in a lifetime commitment. When you deal with all of someone, conflict is sure to come! But the bond of commitment is there to sustain it. All requires selflessness, which is the definition of love. Sex and body parts are only one ingredient inside of this recipe, not something that was designed to be indulged in on their own.

When tempted to lust, the only way to get beyond the body-part-mindset is to understand that behind every woman’s body is a full, whole, complex woman. She is a soul. There is a depth and sacredness to this that I can’t put into words.

If you’re married, you know what I’m saying is true because you see it every day in your own wife. There may have been a day when you first met that you only saw her physical attributes, but you now know she is a much more complex equation than that (praise God). The same is true for every woman on the planet.

Let the Rewiring Begin

Porn has taught you to see: BODY. You have to be rewired to see: WOMAN. And to apply what this means. You look into her eyes because that’s where she is. She is a she, not a thatShe’s not an object to be consumed.

Body parts separated from the person are only things. God didn’t call you to consume people, taking life away from them, he called you to bring life to people. This is the foundational calling of all Christians.

We live on a planet full of human beings. Full, whole, complex human beings. Porn has taught us that women aren’t fully human and we’ve been conditioned into believing that lie whenever we consume them for our selfish gratification.

The path of rewiring means taking the truths of Scripture and letting them renew our minds (Romans 12:1-2) away from the lies porn has taught us.

  • Every woman is created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), full of his dignity, honor, and complexity.
  • Every woman is fearfully and wonderfully made, knit together by God himself (Psalm 139:13-16).
  • Every woman has a soul.
  • Every woman is God’s.

Repeat these truths to yourself daily when you spend time praying and reading your Bible. Repeat them in prayer all throughout your day.

The next time your eyes want to go toward a woman’s body, remind yourself of the truth that she is a whole person and all that means. Look her in the eyes and see her that way.

Christian Women Need to Talk About Sexuality

CHRISTIAN WOMEN NEED TO TALK ABOUT SEXUALITY

Kristen Clark

I was shocked when they announced the title of the next book study that we would be doing. I was sitting in a room in my church next to Zack, surrounded by other small group leaders. “This is a conversation that we need to have more often in church,” my pastor said. “The world is talking about sex, but the church is often silent. We need to change that.”

He went on to share how struggles with porn addiction, adultery, sexual promiscuity, and uncontrolled lust were shattering church families and individuals within our own body. “That’s why it’s crucial for all of us, as leaders, to equip ourselves within the area of biblical sexuality so we can lean into the brokenness and pain all around us.”

He held up the book that would become our newest study. It was titled, Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace. I sat there amazed that a church pastor and leader was initiating a book study for all his church’s small group leaders on the topic of sexuality and purity. This wasn’t the norm in mainstream Christianity. Topics like porn, masturbation, and lust weren’t everyday conversations within the church.

My heart silently rejoiced.

This would be a game changer and much-needed shift in our church culture and I couldn’t wait to dig in.

We would finally have open and honest conversations about one of the most crucial and personal areas of our lives.

Why We Need to Embrace Conversations About Sexuality

As modern Christian women, I think many of us would be surprised if our pastor initiated a book study (for men and women) on the topic of sex, sexuality, and purity. Although these conversations are slowly becoming more common within Christian circles, they’ve been largely ignored by many churches for far too long. This silence has created a Church culture of embarrassment and shame when it comes to topics surrounding sexuality. This is tragic.

God and sexuality have become opposites rather than complimentary companions. And as a result, this is the one thing Christian girls don’t know about sexuality.

We forget that God is the author, designer, and creator of our sexuality. We forget that conversations about lust, secret sins, porn, masturbation, and erotica should be happening within the Church. We forget that we are spiritual beings as much as we are sexual beings. We forget that the Church should be the first place we breach these topics, not the last. We forget that our sexual struggles are something God wants us to bring to Him, not work through on our own. We forget that our sexuality is a beautiful part of God’s greater story.

One of the driving motivations in writing my new book, Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart, was to help bring these conversations back into the church. Back into small groups. Back into Christian circles. Back into normal conversations. 

Jesus Wasn’t Shy About Sexuality

When Jesus met the woman at the well in John 4, He wasn’t shy about her sexual struggles.

He wastes no time in getting to the heart of her sexual pain and brokenness. She tries to keep the conversation on the surface by talking about theology and religion, but Jesus takes a deeper dive. He goes for her heart. He asks her to call her husband, already knowing that she had been married five times and was currently living with a man who was not her husband (v. 16-18).

He sees straight into this woman’s inner longings and knows she has been trying to fill a spiritual need with temporal fixes. He offers her love, compassion, and calls her to embrace the Living Water that will never run dry. Amazed and astonished by His insight and willingness to meet her in her brokenness, she runs off into the city rejoicing in God and telling everyone about the Messiah.

That same Jesus who leaned into that woman’s sexual pain and brokenness is the same Jesus we serve and worship today.

He is not a God who is shy or embarrassed by our sexuality, but a God who created that aspect of our lives and wants to help us embrace it rightly. If Jesus Himself wasn’t shy about pursuing conversations about sexuality, then we, His Church, shouldn’t be either.

I want to encourage you with the same words I wrote in Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart: 

“As you think back on your personal journey, what has shaped your beliefs about sex? Whether negative or positive, what has been most influential in your life?

So much of the confusion surrounding our sexuality is a result of being discipled by the world. The only way to redeem our sexuality is to turn back to the One who created us. Instead of continuing to listen to the world, we need to be discipled by the One who designed us. The One who loves us and created us. The One who understands our sexuality and has a good and beautiful plan for it.”

Conversations about sexuality belong in the Church and amongst God’s people.

Will You Help Start the Conversation?

He holds the answers to life, health, and freedom in this area. I pray you will join me in leading the charge by starting these much-needed conversations within your own church. I pray that my book would also be a helpful tool and resource for you as you begin talking about sexual issues more amongst women.

God and sexuality go hand-in-hand. Let’s be intentional as Christian women to disciple one another in the area of sexuality as much as we do in everything else.

I’d love to hear from you below!

  • What is the climate of your church right now? Is sexuality a normal topic of conversation or is it taboo?
  • What do you personally wish more Churches would talk about regarding sexuality?
  • What can you do to lead in your church by bringing these conversations to the surface.
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